Remember many years back they had that commercial where a screaming-foam-mouthed egg mascot beat a poor bloke to death with a blood-spattered lead pipe labeled as “cholesterol”? Well it turns out that family friendly educational ad was wrong. Eggs are not actually evil.

This should come as no surprise to folks seeing as how humanity’s been consuming eggs since the beginning of time and we’ve somehow managed to survive. But no, for forty years government and science have been telling folks that cholesterol was worse than Hitler’s ghost.

But today they’re now saying that cholesterol isn’t a “nutrient of concern”. To my small brain this means that they no longer consider cholesterol dangerous. In other words, for four decades government and science either lied to us or were abject morons.

Why is this not front page news? People should be pissed. In 1977 some unfortunate dude chose the salad instead of a tasty burger because a government ad told him he had to watch his cholesterol. The next time somebody tells me we need to trust government, science, and/or people who generally claim they’re smarter than us, I’m going to mention this cholesterol thing and tell them to kiss my ass.

But we at The Arcturus Project are here to help. So here’s a brief list of other things we believe can no longer harm you:

 

– Salt

You’re being told to consume less salt or you shall die. Oh, really? Well too much of anything is fatal, no kidding. Who knew? Even if you drink too much water, you die. It’s called hyponatremia. It’s where you drink so much water you have, you guessed it, too little salt in your body. So eat more salt. Or you’ll die.

 

– High Fructose Corn Syrup

This modern liquid has a reputation worse than a vicious serial killer. But you know what, your glass of orange juice has more natural sugar in it than your candy bar. What’s the difference? One is natural and the other is synthetic? I’m pretty sure at the molecular level nothing’s different. Just like how at the molecular level there is no substantial difference between organic and normal food.

 

– Elves

Who the hell do these jerks think they are? They’re all bark and no bite. The next time I see an elf at my door, I’m letting my dog loose and or clubbing said elf with a rolled up newspaper.

 

– Fire

Fire does not kill. Fire is fun. If you’re not allowing your child to play with matches, you’re a terrible parent.

 

– Fireworks

If you’re not allowing your child to play with fireworks, you’re a terrible parent.

 

– Genetically Modified Food

The same righteous do-gooders who think genetically modified ingredients are harming them have no problem spending all day with their brain hard wired to their iPhone. So tell me, why do they claim their bodies are harmed by genetically modified products, but then have no problem trashing their brains with electronics? Either way, they’ve allowed technology to ruin their existence. And in any case, humans have genetically modified food since the dawn of time. Do you doubt me? An ancient ear of corn was the size of your finger. Get over it.

 

– Alcohol & Drugs

These items are the self-professed key to the crypt. So what? Banning them has resulted in nothing but failure and pain. Let’s legalize it all. And if I check out with an empty vodka bottle in my lap and a crack pipe under my lip? Oh well, I made the call. But no, we can’t have that. That’d be horrible. Kind of like how it’s horrible that cops twist anti-drug laws to rob you of your hard earned cash without charges at the roadside in order for them to buy armored vehicles to patrol county fairs alongside unarmed children.

Not worse than Hitler’s ghost