Baseball’s back. But instead of just letting everyone have a good time yesterday, there was a whole series of articles from multiple news outlets about how the game is doomed. Remember kids, malicious gloom is how you make your name in today’s media market. You can’t write an article on how baseball is fun and welcomes the end of winter.

Instead, you do a story on how many young kids are getting injuries from baseball blows to the head. Or how standing in the outfield all summer causes long term health problems via consistent dehydration.

Think of how awful your joyful day was yesterday. That hot dog has so many calories. That beer will turn you into an alcoholic. Cheering for your team is a pointless act as one day you’ll become a bleached skeleton. Those fat salaries the players make should instead feed starving dolphins. You’re a horrible person. You should be ashamed of yourself. Fun is not acceptable.

So those of you foolish enough to read anything written at this blog on a regular basis are probably like, “Hey dude, you’re the very definition of malicious gloom. Don’t you even read your own textual trash?”

To which I’m like, “Well, yeah, but there’s a difference between my pervasive pessimism, and a deliberate media hit piece purposefully released on baseball’s opening day about how baseball is going to only be played by six dudes and a cow by 2090.”

Anyways, to celebrate the accompanying downfall of all humanity; here are some other delicious headlines in keeping with the spirit of this emerging joyful spring season:

“happy squirrel likely carries debilitating rabies”

“wonderful young spring day heralds future return of lighting strike deaths”

“beautiful bird in tree doesn’t understand life is a big meat grinder”

“children playing basketball in street at high risk of car and flesh impact”

“end of winter’s brutal cold will result in more heat exhaustion deaths, say experts”

“government regulators propose banning forthcoming outdoor barbeques to eliminate mild burn occurrences”

“gorgeous spring flowers a vicious misery to allergy sufferers”

“millions of cheering happy baseball fans not aware sport is doomed”

“renewed lush green grass said to require water stolen from local reservoir”

“April showers begin assault upon humanity with massive flooding; May showers likely washed out”

“Old Man Winter arrested for domestic battery and driving while intoxicated after belligerent altercation with Young Gal Spring”

“abandon all hope; all ye who enter spring”

And at any rate, I know the answer as to why baseball is doomed. For you see, with a mammoth 162 games a year, and our smartphone culture, and, oh, wait…uh… [throws chair] [unintelligible profanity]