We don’t know where Kim Jong-un is. We don’t care. Why should you? Until the whole state power structure, especially the army, is brutally overturned nothing’s going to change. But it’s fun to speculate on his situation. Because we’ve got nothing better to do as our soup simmers. Yes, I know, I have no life.
This analysis is developed at the speed my fingers move. We’ve put no prior thought into this at all. But it is thus, still more accurate than any of the speculation you’ll hear from people making seventeen times as much money as we do to do the same thing. Except we don’t paid for this. Yes, I know, I have no life.
We consider each of these following scenarios equally as plausible:
1) Dude’s coked out of his mind surrounded by naked women
2) The army shot him in the forehead with a flamethrower
3) He’s sidelined after eating far too much dead animal in one sitting
4) A group of twisted, degenerate, exiled aliens kidnapped him for sport and are beating him with a phonebook in the basement of a nondescript townhome
5) He just doesn’t give a flying fuck and has decided to “check out for a while”
6) He’s secretly in Seoul trying to start a gangnam band under the self-titled name of “Professor Swiss”
7) The winds of history emerged from beneath his gold plated bed and suffocated him with the pillows of righteous justice
Who would have ever thought that a man this healthy might get sick and need a few months down time?