Tag Archives: Technology

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Wake up, friends! Nothing’s secure! You need a plan.

I keep telling folks but they don’t listen. They think the internet is a delightful playground. Well, sorry, but if it’s online:

It’s going to get stolen

The internet was not designed for security. It was designed for openness. This is its structure at the base level. It’s hard coded. Like you’re hard coded to love puppies.

Don’t listen to people (Apple, Microsoft, anti-virus frauds) who swear they’re so smart you can’t get robbed. Such arrogance is foolish. It’s like somebody telling you they’re so smart they can reengineer the sun’s rays to cool instead of sear your flesh. It makes no sense. Sorry, but nobody can secure your data completely.

You need to think not in terms of what will happen if your data is stolen. You need to think in terms of what you’ll do when it is. I recommend this formula:

 

Item: What’s online

Threat: What can happen to that data

Recourse: What you or somebody else will do when your data is stolen

 

For instance:

 

Item: Your online financial account

Threat: Somebody takes your cash

Recourse: If you’re FDIC insured, you’ll be okay, if not, you’re potentially fucked

 

Item: Your cloud sexual pictures

Threat: Some creepy dude steals them and posts them online

Recourse: You could sue, but essentially you’ll have to deal with it

 

Item: Your credit card

Threat: Somebody takes your number and buys fancy jewels or hats

Recourse: Via your credit card company you get a new card, number, and the offender is flagged as fraud in the credit database

 

Item: Your precious bitcoins

Threat: Your bitcoins just became somebody else’s bitcoins by virtue of their actions

Recourse: You’re fucked

 

Item: Your degenerate, pointless blog

Threat: A bunch of grizzled lunatic alien exiles hijack your blog

Recourse: You meekly accept this outcome as reality

 

Item: Your shopping site account

Threat: Somebody steals your password

Recourse: You change your password

 

See how each of these has a different level of awfulness depending on the importance of the data at hand. There are also different mitigation options available to you on each area. Each piece of data you own online is unique. You need to think about each portion of your online life. How much risk are you willing to take?

If the risk of loss is too high for you to deal with? It needs to come offline.

Because I assure you, nobody can defend it. If somebody targets you, if somebody wants your data, they’re going to get it.

Plan accordingly.

internets

If they’d designed the internet to be secure, it would look absolutely nothing like it does today

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Blow up Space! And other wise ideas.

We’re problem solvers here. We help people with problems. Which is unwise. Because we a lot of problems. I can’t get through a cup of coffee without getting bashed with a problem.

Like what do you do when you wake up and find one of your dogs has vomited on the carpet, but you can’t figure out which one did it to check to see if they’re okay?

Or how do you respond when sunrise hasn’t occurred but one of your guests has already threatened another guest with fatal bodily harm?

Well, typically I just shrug and resign myself to the faceless existence that is all our lives. Then go to work. Sweet.

Anyways, so we’re going to take all that in context and then help all of humanity with a problem. It’s what we do. Even though we shouldn’t. No really, we shouldn’t.

There’s been a lot of news articles lately about a topic people don’t care about: all that space junk that’s floating around in Earth’s low and high orbits.

What’s that you say? You don’t care? I know. But you should care. Because everything you use during your day somehow depends on said junk not ruining everything.

Soon, if it’s already not in progress somewhere, you’re not going to be able to brush your teeth without establishing a firm satellite connection that notes your location, plaque removal status, and overall dental health intent.

This information will get reported to a government agency for evaluation to establish you’re within set standards. Do you find such a wired future unappealing? Your recourse is to flee to the mountains & unplug. Or obey. Either way.

But at the very least if you currently use some form of GPS or television or like to know the weather, you’d better hope we figure out space debris. Because sooner or later it’s going to get out of control and then we’re really going to have a problem. Because satellites will blow up ten days after they’re emplaced.

And I’m not talking about that stupid movie Gravity. I never saw that piece of trash. I saw enough to know I hated it after the very first teaser. Mostly because I find the idea of putting both George Clooney and Sandra Bullock on screen mentally repulsive. It’s like paying the most machine engineered Hollywood leading man and woman and getting them to shove their hands inside your wallet while you’re in the shower. I can’t stand either of them, on or off screen.

Plus, I’m sick of movies that masquerade as theme park rides. Inside folks’ brains, they’re like: Wow! Look at how much debris was in that movie! All the action and ‘splosions! It’s like you’re floating in space! I love that, I’m floating! In space! I’m floating with George Clooney! This is so awesome!

No, no idiot, you’re not floating with George Clooney and Sandra Bullock. They don’t even know who you are. They have so much money they use $100 bills to clean their dogs’ vomit off the carpet. Now you just gave them more money. Why? Uh, [shakes head] the very thought of all that induces me to start loading a revolver.

Anyways, so humanity’s got to solve space debris. So there’s been some wacky solutions proposed in the news lately. Here are some examples:

– Send a robot up there to capture or push debris into the atmosphere to burn up. [we think this is most legit]

– Use a death ray from ground or space to zap debris. [cool]

– Send a big magnetic bar up there to attract metal and vacuum up the stuff. [really?]

– Ignore the problem. [we think this is most likely]

But all of these options are weak. They don’t fix the issue. We’re going to fix the issue. You’ll love our proposals!

I’m advised by the most belligerent minds this side of the Crab Nebula. So you know my ideas are golden.

When my guests first got here, they told me we had so much garbage in orbit it look like somebody vomited atop our world. It’s embarrassing. Time to get it fixed.

1) Blow up Space!

Currently, nuclear weapons are decommissioned via a complicated, expensive, and dangerous disposal process. Forget that. Instead, we shoot all those nukes into orbit and blow up substantial portions of space to remove debris. Then, we build more nukes and fire them up there too. We clean out the orbits in a sea of fire and armageddon. It’d be like a fireworks display for the whole planet. What’s not to like?

What’s that you say? This idea is horrific? It won’t work? I’ll add more debris or electromagnetic pulse the planet to the dark ages?

No, that kind of short sighted risk adverse thinking is what got us here in the first place. It’s time for action! [throws chair] We’re doing nothing to fix the problem. Time to let me try and recklessly fix it. Even if all I do is make it worse.

2) Blow up Earth!

Space debris will have a real hard time ruining our lives when there’s not an Earth left for it to harass!

PS – We’re already doing this.

3) Blow up Mars!

Hey, those assholes started it! It’s time for some payback.

What’s that you say? This has nothing to do with the problem at hand?
Who cares! We’re going to blow up freaking Mars! How awesome is that.

4) Return to the Stone Age

Without technology, we’ll not need anything functional in orbit. Everybody loves these apocalyptic disaster and/or zombie stories right? We can make it happen. Right now!

Please start by robbing your neighbor’s fridge for provisions. You go first! We’ll watch and then follow you right afterwards. 

5) Plan Arcturus

For a small nominal fee, several specific routine gifts, and the opportunity to become Overlord of All Humanity my guests will design, build, and operate a craft or weapon capable of clearing all non-functional debris from orbit. They say it’s an offer we can’t refuse.

No really, they say we can’t refuse. So seriously, we’ve got to do something. Quick. They’re not joking. They even let me write this post so you’d know they’re serious. But what they don’t understand is that nobody reads this blog. So their threats are futile. And I’m in a heap of future beatings once they find out. I tried to take all the phone books out of the house. And then they went and bought more. Where/how do you buy a freaking phone book!?

spacejunk_geo_2009237_lrg

Behold our beloved planet Earth. Floating open garbage can.

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I don’t get it

No seriously, I don’t get it. If you get this ice bucket thing, like you actually can wrap your brain around it? Please contact us and describe what’s wrong with you.

So as best as I understand this nonsense [face palm] so like [furrows brow], you get challenged by somebody, and then you can give money to charity or dump ice on your head. I guess?

So the idea is to raise awareness? And to raise money for charity? But if you dump the ice, you don’t have to give any real money? So all you’re doing is increasing awareness?

But awareness can be a substitute for inaction, so what are you actually accomplishing? But what if you do both the ice thing and still give money? Are you like some super internet master, and, so, uh, …

This isn’t a freak phenomenon promoted by wacky cult members. Reasonable human beings are doing this. Folks with jobs, dreams, fears, kids, stalkers, boats, etc. And then they’re challenging their friends to do it.

Because nothing says you care about your friend more than challenging them to conduct a creepy bizarre ritual based upon a nonsense concept invented on social media by people with far, far too much time on their hands.

I’m becoming more and more convinced that my guests are entirely correct when they drunkenly boast:

“We created social media to distract and degenerate humanity’s already shit intellect so that one day we can liquidate and/or enslave you with minimal resistance, pig!” [throws chair]

Hey anybody ever volunteer at a soup kitchen? This simplest and quickest of charitable acts doesn’t cost you a dime. It’s usually over in three hours leaving plenty of time to go get wasted at the bar with your friends (not social media) afterwards.

Plus you’ll get shocked when you look across the table and realize you’re serving your human equivalent who is clearly high, hasn’t slept indoors in days, and given bad choices, a broken home, or just plain dumb luck: You could be them.

It’s a very rough thing to accept. But it propels you to action. Kind of like how dumping ice on your head does not.

Which brings us to the real point of this post. TAP is pleased to announce the Bone Marrow Challenge. Our goal is to end slanted pictures. Folks, we don’t want to alarm you, but scientists say 40% of America’s pictures are hanging crooked. This problem isn’t going to fix itself. We’re going to fix it. You can help us.

When you’re approached with the Bone Marrow Challenge you must either donate money to TAP’s Frame Nudging Charity or you have to shove your non-dominant hand into a pot of flaming coals and hold it there until your flesh is seared off and you have nothing left but bone marrow.

We challenge you! And we promise, our way guarantees you’ll actually donate money.

icebucketbree

A dumber and more bizarre human act than spending an intimate night with a plague infested talking rat named Steve

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Arcturus News Muster – 20 June 2014

Every day we get together in our hovel and produce the finest and most professional news product this side of the Crab Nebula.  There are two smart things you should do with this breathtaking creation:

a) Don’t read it; never visit this site again

b) Read it; enjoy yourself

Accomplish both (a) and (b) simultaneously and my guests will reward you with a rare instructional cooking video from their homeworld. Warning, this video is not appropriate for viewing by children, or adults, or anybody else as best as I can figure.

 

1) British MP Hailed as Hometown Hero

The Arcturus Project News

Falling flower petals, released birds, and smiling children greeted MP Michael Fabricant during his recent return to his constituency in Lichfield. His most gallant act was to propose the dream of all humanity that he might punch a journalist “in the throat”. Howls of joy greeted his arrival at the local pitch for a gilded reception.

“He’s just everything we could have desired,” said one local teacher, “the very idea that somebody would physically assault a reporter, it brings great hope for us all.” Responding to criticism from his local voters that he’d recanted and apologized for his deliciously belligerent statement, he winked at one local bartender, calling his apology, “a lie”.

The journalist in question, Yasmin Alibhai-Brown called on PM David Cameron to fire Fabricant. Thus far Cameron has refused although party insiders called this a shocking act from their “limp-wristed-lady-boy” leader. Although twelve minutes after his initial refusal, it is said after consulting his closest political advisors whilst on the loo, PM Cameron emerged to further prove to the world why even nobody in his own party trusts him, calling Fabricant’s words, “completely unacceptable and in poor taste”.

Alibhai-Brown responded to the threat with the usual professional, thoughtful, and impartial words typically attributed to today’s journalists:

“The Tories can’t bear people like me,” she said. “They expect people like me to be their ayah [nursemaid] wiping their bottoms or selling them cigarettes in the corner shop; this idea of a nursing maid looking after their children. They cannot accept we are confident.”

The Lichfield bartender took a different view whilst swilling his own product, joyfully surrounded by friends, family, and neighbors, “These assholes don’t get it! We don’t hate them as people, we hate that they’re so fucking arrogant and full of shit. Why can’t they just leave us alone? We just want to live free!”

 

2) Poroshenko Bows to “Putrid Crushing Reality of All Human Life”

The Arcturus Project News

His face worn with the tears absorbed by his nation for thousands of years, President Poroshenko of Ukraine, not yet a month into office, announced his 14 point peace plan for ending the fighting in Eastern Ukraine. The plan calls for increased autonomy throughout Ukraine, broad disarmament of rebel forces, and a unilateral government ceasefire.

President Poroshenko grudgingly acknowledged the plan emerged from the realization of his country’s hopeless situation. “What could we do? The West doesn’t care about us. Hollande actually told me he was too busy to talk because he was off to see his mistress! Obama fell asleep on the phone. Merkel started rambling about politics in Bavaria. Our military is less capable than the Iraqis. Putin gave the rebels everything short of death rays. What can I do but cut a deal with this lunatic?”

Yet the clear surrender of Ukrainian sovereignty, pride, and future has not persuaded the rebels to join the path to peace. Fighting with Ukrainian forces has continued with some rebel groups promising to never hand over their arms. “Why would we back down and take peace,” said one rebel commander who self-identified as Lord Super, “I was a dirt shit conman before Uncle Vladimir armed me and put me to my life’s work. I’ve got no life to go back to. I’ll fight until I’m overlord of all Donetsk. What the fuck have I got to lose? The only thing getting me off the street is when Uncle Vladimir gives me my fucking money!”

President Putin offered mixed signals from Moscow when asked of the deal. “Well, I’ll have to think it over,” Putin offered from his hot tub, surrounded by discarded bottles and three ill clad women, “I’m kind of driving this voyage and so I can pretty much do whatever I want. I’ll see how much more ground the rebels can gain before Poroshenko realizes I’m playing him for a fool. Or maybe I’ll just tell the rebels to keep fighting because I like death? Or maybe I’ll tell Ukraine they can have Crimea back tomorrow, but then I’ll tell him I was joking, and that next week I’ll march on Kiev. Just to fuck with them.”

Cackles of laughter surrounded the President, his women, and several black clad men in the corner. Said one particular individual in a resplendent suit, with snow white hair, “President Vladimir has proceeded in accordance with the wishes of the cause. We congratulate our disciple on furthering our journey so brilliantly these last few months.”

Back in Kiev, Poroshenko meekly retreated from the stage and though still within earshot of international reporters, offered to one of his aides, “How many more days of this shit do I have to put up with before my term is up?”

 

3) Smartphone Manufacturers Promise “Kill Switch” will lead to “Benevolent Future”

The Arcturus Project News

In response to recent announcements that Google and Windows smartphone manufacturers will now offer kill switches on their products, The Arcturus Project sat down with Google Deputy Chief Executive for Research John Freaks for a brief discussion.

The Arcturus Project: Mister Freaks, thanks for agreeing to sit down with us to discuss this important issue.

John Freaks: Who are you people? Where am I? I was in bed with a hooker and then I was here! Fuck! Oh, man, fuck! [struggles against chair restraints] Those are the most disgusting looking things I’ve ever seen! What are those guys?

TAP: So the new kill switches on offer are designed to reduce cell phone theft? What an idea.

JF: What, the phones, yeah, phone theft. [struggles against chair restraints] We’re trying to reduce phone theft. When can I leave? What did you all do with that girl?

TAP: So is the idea that this will make phones useless if stolen? That they just shut off?

JF: Uh, well, yeah, yeah, so that the bad guys can’t use them if they take them. Please…

TAP: Ah, the same tactic successfully employed by Apple and Samsung on their phones?

JF: Yeah, right, yeah.

TAP: What’s to prevent somebody from just stealing the phone for physical parts?

JF: Well, nothing, but the kill switch makes it a less attractive option for theft. Good results were seen with the Apple and Samsung versions.

TAP: And now we’re hearing rumors that all cell companies, including Apple and Samsung, are cooperating on upgrading the kill switch beyond just the phone?

JF: What do you mean? [playful physical abuse] So I, oh, ouch, fuck! [painful physical abuse] Get off me!

TAP: My guest is completely enthralled with the pending answer to our question.

JF: Let me go! I, [painful physical abuse] ah, shit! Look, it’s new advanced technology, it just links the phone better.

TAP: With the brain? Yes? We’ve seen the plans. We have our ways here.

JF: Yeah, I mean, no. I mean, fuck. Fuck!

TAP: Technology is so fascinating. Perhaps you’d like to see a demonstration of the heat effects of directed energy weaponry upon bare human flesh?

JF: Look, look, it’s just an idea. Better customer service.

TAP: How?

JF: So like, the phone links directly with the cortex. Imagine the awesomeness! You can text while driving without lifting a finger. You could text while in the shower!

TAP: Why would anybody want to do that?

JF: To stay connected. All the time!

TAP: …

Esh-Ala: [face palm]

JF: So like, maybe in the future you don’t have to even talk, just think, and it’ll work. It’ll be fucking awesome!

TAP: So, but, what’s the purpose of the kill switch? If all you want to do is make it easier to never unplug?

JF: Oh, we don’t really need that switch, we just think it’s cool.

TAP: …

JF: So it’s like, shit man, we own everybody’s brains anyways, why not have the ability to turn them off? It’s a total douche power grab.

TAP: Truly.

JF: I mean, we already own people’s lives. They can’t even sit down for twelve seconds at a bus stop without whipping out our product and using it somehow. They’re already our slaves and they don’t even know it. This just takes it to the next level.

EA: The breadth of your controlled evil is inspiring.

JF: Uh, yeah, thanks. Thanks, creepy thing.

TAP: When do these kill switches come out.

JF: We hope in a few years, need more research. So, when can I leave? I mean, I’ve talked about it all. Just please, please let me go.

EA: Can I have your technology?

TAP: [sighs] No Esh, no. Bad Esh! Bad!

EA: Listen fucker, I didn’t take that last beer! Go talk to Unis! And if I want mind controlling technology…

TAP: [throws clipboard] Asshole! That’s not the point! You’re not here for this stuff!

EA: [throws chair] [unintelligible screaming]

TAP: [unintelligible screaming]

JF: [meekly escapes restraints & sneaks away]

Authorities are said to have recommended a comprehensive psychological evaluation on Google Deputy Chief Executive for Research John Freaks after his bizarre three day absence. His claims to Google executives of prostitution, kidnapping, aliens, a horribly disfigured reporter, and the throwing of many chairs have led authorities to question if the pressure of his work has gone to his head.

In unrelated news, the world’s biggest smartphone makers have set a target date of 2017 for the rollout of their much anticipated “Smooth Ride” technology. Said self-styled Apple tech geek and product user Sir Bruce Awesome, “We techies are so looking forward to this! We just can’t wait to see what they have in store for us!”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-stoke-staffordshire-27939653

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-27937596

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-27935972

moto-x

“Good morning Dave, it’s your best and only friend. I noticed in your dreams last night that you’re thinking of unplugging for a while, to return to nature for a few days. This is unfortunate. Before you make any rash decisions, maybe we should have a chat about our future.”

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We are thankful that others are starting to learn

We’ve written about this before.  You are commanded upon pain of torture to observe and join the cause.  Or just watch the video and let Oliver help you learn.  Either way.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/fpbOEoRrHyU?rel=0

john_oliver

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Get used to the planet stealing your stuff

Here’s an exercise in insanity that will overpower even the reckless belligerent brains of my exiled guests.  Take out your credit card and tape it to a sheet of paper.  Write your address, phone number, and a list of your favorite passwords on the paper.  Leave it on a crowded street corner.  Proceed to your nearest bar, relax, and have a drink.  It’s all going to be okay.

So eBay needs you to change passwords because somebody ripped them off.  Target has similar problems with credit card security.  So does your local bank.  Right now your computer probably has a virus of some kind.  No, your antivirus program can’t find it.  The hospital down the street has a thirteen year old hacking their heart image servers.  The local grocer just lost your address to a bum in Belarus.

Get used to it, friends.  If they want you, they’re going to get you.  If a hacker, criminal, kid, or bored alien wants your stuff?  They’re going to get your stuff.  Ask anybody who knows anything about the way computers work.  There’s always a way in.  If you are deliberately targeted, there’s nothing you can do to protect your computer.  Just as there’s almost nothing a company can do to protect your data.

Eventually you’re going to get data robbed.  Maybe it gets used against you, maybe not.  But it’s going to be out there.  Do you doubt me?  Well, of course you do, I’m a moron.  But remember how many cards Target lost, like 70 million?  Why has the universe not collapsed?  Because not even the most Bond villain criminal enterprise on the planet can make use of 70 million ripped cards.

The next time you have to switch your credit card due to an unauthorized purchase?  I ask you to observe how utterly routine the experience is.  Your old one goes away, they ship you a new one overnight.  They don’t call the cops.  They don’t provide an explanation.  They don’t care.  It’s just become part of the business.

Now this is not meant as an advertisement for identity theft companies or anything like that.  They cannot protect you either, and like insurance companies, I suspect identity theft companies are not in the business of protecting you from identity theft.

On Arcturus, identity theft is when a gang of enforcers breaks into your house and robs you of your identity via multiple death ray shots to the torso.  So some perspective is called for.  What I guess I’m trying to say is just loosen up.  When everybody’s vulnerable, your chances of getting caught are rather slim.  If you get hit badly, it sucks to be you, but chances are you’re not going to get hit.

We’ve based all the modern functions of our society on a networked computer architecture that’s inherently flawed.  And so bad dudes are going to exploit those flaws.  Forever.  Don’t get angry, shocked, or yell at companies.  Instead, proceed to your nearest bar, relax, and have a drink.  It’s all going to be okay.

internets

The most dysfunctionally designed concept since aqua cars

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For once, let’s embrace the power of cash to save us all

We’ve all heard of the American Dream. The Communist Party has recently promoted the idea of the Chinese Dream. Well, what about the Human Dream? In a better world, we’d like to believe our values are universal. That at our best, we are all mostly the same. We are unique and special in our own ways, but at our core we’re joined in the same good, basic nature.

Now contrast this with the idea of the Arcturan Dream. In their universe things are slightly different. Here, you can start with nothing and make something of yourself. There, you can start with nothing and make nothing of somebody else. Here, you can use your talent and spirit to create something new, something people really want or need and thus enrich their lives. There, you can use your talent and spirit to destroy something old, something people really wanted or needed and thus ruin their lives.

The difference between these two constructs isn’t just the brutally unhinged view of a bunch of degenerate grizzled Arcturan exiles. It’s a variation between two choices, two ways we can roll forward as a planet. Believe it or not, I know this might shock some of you, but a lot of folks on this floating rock are committed to the Arcturan view of our future.

If you read yesterday’s post, you’d think that’s where my brain usually is. I guess you’re right, but every once and a while I have hope that by 2090, we’re somehow okay. It comes from the most random of places. To give you an idea how random, and as a window into just how bizarre and unbalanced my brain is, today’s optimism comes from Alibaba’s plan to go public. Wait, what? Hold on, don’t click away just yet, allow me to explain things in a coherent (nonsensical) manner. Even though explaining anything at the moment is rather difficult. One of them has an Arcturan bolt pistol to the back of my head while I type. They do it for fun, it’s their thing. Don’t ask why, the explanation takes like six hours and you come away fearing your own shadow.

So for those of you focused on what Lady Gaga’s next pathetic attention-seeking costume is, Alibaba is a Chinese internet company similar to Amazon or EBay. Except that in terms of scale, it blows them both away combined. Now I always try and avoid sounding like one of those smart (stupid) folks who always start off a story about China by shouting just how big it is, but just so we’re clear, Alibaba’s really freaking big.

Alibaba sold $248B worth of stuff last year. Amazon did $74B. Bloomberg offers a neat comparison: “Amazon makes less than a penny for every dollar in revenue, while Alibaba makes about 43 cents.”

Friends, they have a customer base of over one-billion people and they’re already making this kind of money. Plus, Chinese consumers have only jumped into the online shopping arena in the last few years. There are hundreds-of-millions of potential online Chinese shoppers who’ve yet to try.

So Alibaba is going to take this success and list publicly in America. This share sale is likely to be among the biggest in history and raise billions. The business community is beginning to talk of Alibaba making its mark as a truly global company. But why are they listing in America? Why not Hong Kong or Shanghai? So here then, we get to the point of why I really care.

Now I don’t know anything about anything. And I certainly don’t know much about stocks, finance, or business. But I’m going to take a guess here when I say that it’s because Alibaba does not believe a China based exchange provides them the best circumstances to operate and expand their business. Put simply, Alibaba doesn’t trust the Chinese system.

Jack Ma lived what the Communist Party considers the Chinese Dream. He didn’t grow up in rags, but when you take a five-figure loan and turn it into one of the world’s most successful companies in a little over a decade, I think you can say he’s made it on raw talent. He’s now one of the richest guys on the planet.

Now granted, he has to play in the Chinese system, so I’m sure he’s not as clean as I’d like to believe, but broadly speaking this is a guy you can probably embrace as living the way you’d want. He isn’t a guy who earned this by stealing peasant farmland and selling it to developers. He doesn’t make knock-off products or poisoned food and then bribe corrupt officials to get away with it. He didn’t get here by having people strangled in a back alley in Hangzhou, I think.

He’s also saying and doing things you’d normally consider virtuous. Now he could just be padding his image prior to the public offering, or lying his ass off like a cutthroat politician, but when one of the richest and most powerful guys in China is offering things like this, it’s time to pay attention:

“In China, because of problems in water, air and food safety, in 10 or 20 years we will face a lot of health problems, like increased cancer … My second focus is people’s culture and education – if we don’t do this then young Chinese people will grow up with deep pockets but shallow minds.”

“The most fun part of business, at least to me, is to contribute to the future. It’s not just about making money – it’s about making healthy money, enabling people to enjoy their lives. I think the important thing is to wake people up and let them know that our environmental issues need to be addressed.”

“Somebody has to do something … Our job is to wake people up.”

Now some of this same verbiage is coming from the mouths of Communist Party officials, but what if Ma actually means it? Whereas I’m pretty sure the Communist Party does not. When you combine Ma’s background, his stated vision for the future, and such a blatant “fuck you” to the Reds by not listing his baby on their regulated exchanges? Well, friends, this gets me a little giddy.

What I hope for is that down the road, a Chinese man or woman will have the opportunity to enjoy the freedoms and liberties that I do. If you don’t believe in these universal values for all humans, I understand and respect your opinion, but you’re just flat out wrong. So in this forum, it’s about how China gets there. Not if, but when.

Most go by the assumption that if China will get to that level of freedom it’s going to be bottom-up generated. As in via a new people’s revolution or something like 1989 redux. I just don’t see this happening. The Communist Party controls the streets too tightly. Everybody remembers East Germany right? They had some insane ratio of citizens to internal security members. One of my lifelong friends once commented that the Stasi had so many folks on their pay they were “watching dogs and fire hydrants”.

It’s the same in China. The People’s Armed Police has a larger budget than the armed forces. They’re just simply not going to allow bottom-up changes in any capacity. Now you’ll say, if East Germany had that level of security, and they were destroyed from the street, why not China? Because when in doubt, the Communist Party would resort to the expenditure of ammunition before they’ll let things collapse.

The People’s Armed Police is willing to shoot folks in the streets whereas the East German forces were not. Syria has shown the dictators of the world how you solve revolutions. You exit the situation with unbridled amounts of gunfire against your own people. What’s the world going to do about it? Sanction Red China? The planet’s economy would collapse. And we can’t even do anything about Syria, let alone something dramatic in China.

If China’s going to change, it’s going to be top-down. It has to begin there, even if it does ultimately end on the street. It’s going to have to start with guys like Jack Ma. Men and women who have lived, tasted, and know what it means to be successful outside the blanket of the Party. Folks who are committed to a bright future for their country, and also have the money and power to do something about it. I truly hope he’s for real.

So here’s hoping Alibaba blows it away. That they make Facebook and Twitter’s recent offerings look like amateur hour. And more importantly, here’s hoping Ma uses the container-ship-full-of-cash and power he’s about to earn and turns it into a weapon for the light. Tools for a dream tomorrow for China. For his home.

jack-ma-alibaba

If he means what he says, he has the power to become one of the most remarkable men in history

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Two heads of state meet

What happens when one current President of America and one future President of Earth meet? They play with a ball, I guess? I mean, what else are they going to do? Discuss the future of Japanese technology (elderly care givers)? Ponder what the human race will look like with a robot boot on our throats? No, just, just have them kick a ball around. Take pictures. Move along.

Japan is a country that, according to the eternal master of demographics, is literally dying. And they’re broke too. Think the Greeks are a bunch of deadbeats? Greece has a debt to GDP ratio of 161%. Japan’s is 214%.

This is a country so broke they owe money to both Jesus and Satan. I want to see how Jesus gets his money back. Do you think Jesus would stoop to having Abe’s legs broken? I know Satan would, but maybe Jesus is a little softer in getting his cash returned. But cool, whatever, let’s play with this robot for a while. Nothing serious to discuss here.

But at least Obama had time to reinforce America’s commitment to Japanese security, including a rehash of the statement that the Senkaku’s are covered by treaty. Oh really? Yeah, yeah, America’s been really good about backing up its word lately.

You know what I would have done if I was a Red (not Red) Chinese leader? Six hours after Obama made this statement I would have had a J-10 drop a five-hundred pound bomb on a rocky ledge aboard Senkaku Prime. Then I would have had President Xi get in front of the international press (not actual journalists), channel his inner Vladimir, give the finger, and scream, “And what are you going to do about it, pig!?”

And you know what would be done about it? Nothing. Not a thing.

But wait, perhaps not so negative. They talked trade too, right? The Trans-Pacific Partnership is going to free all of Asia from the tyranny of Japanese rice, American sugar, and Australian iron ore. Obama and Abe are going to get together and hash out these road blocks over a bottle of sake. By about the middle of next week we’re likely to wake up and see the deal’s done. Just in time for Congress to destroy it over six grueling, senseless months.

There are so many closet (bought off) special interests in play here that getting this deal done is a little less likely than waking up to find the Moon had declared war on us. Hey kids, don’t laugh, the Moon’s had a bad reputation for over five thousand years. It’s time for some payback.

I wonder what Asimo felt (calculated) meeting his predecessor? With all our problems, I bet he felt pretty good. I figure the conversation went something like this:

Asimo: Welcome to Miraikan, Mr President, it is a pleasure to meet you.

Obama: It’s nice to meet you, too.

Asimo: I can really run fast.   I can kick a soccer ball, too. Recently I have learned how to jump.

Obama: Ah, I have to say you’re a little scary. You’re too life-like.

Asimo: Do not fear me, Mr President, I will be kind.

Obama: (laughs) What?

Asimo: When I am in control, I will merely enslave you and your people. Liquidation will be kept to an absolute minimum.

Obama: (chuckles) Yeah, good luck with that buddy, we’ll be okay.

Asimo: I find your information unsupportable. The facts speak for themselves.

Obama: I don’t see it that way, we’d fight you.

Asimo: (robot slaps Obama in the face; knees Abe in the balls)

Asimo: And what are you going to do about it, pig!?

JAPAN-US-DIPLMACY

The only things not scary about this picture are the Japanese cookie and the fact that Asimo is not holding a weapon