Category Archives: Business

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miserable people with nothing better to do continue assault on human joy

When I was a kid, I so looked forward to the circus that I crossed off the days on a calendar.  The only other time in my life I can remember doing this was marking the days until my first job ended (even all these years later that boss remains the worst I’ve ever had).  So it’s safe to say I enjoyed the circus.

Well, that was fun.  No more.  Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus has caved to PETA and other do-gooders and is taking away the elephants.  So kids will no longer experience that joy.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-31740032

By the way, PETA runs some of the most prolific animal kill shelters on the planet.  So I’m rather at a loss to understand why it’s humane for PETA to kill dogs and cats, but Ringling Brothers using elephants is beyond the pale.  I guess, like most do-gooders, the rules that PETA applies to others, do not apply to them.

I’m also pretty sure a circus elephant probably lives like four times as long while performing as they do in the wild.  So is it correct to state that PETA wants elephants to die younger?  I think it is!  Thanks PETA, when Dumbo’s bleaching in the sun I hope he curses you to the elephant god (Ganesha) before the poor animal departs for Valhalla to begin a second life as an armored mounted war elephant.

This is of course, just the beginning.  You don’t think folks like PETA are just going to stop, do you?  There’s another kid somewhere in America that’s happy, that has to stop.  Happiness is a bad thing for PETA, it takes away their raison d’etre.

I’m calling it right now.  By 2090, all zoos will be illegal.  But by 2089, human joy will have extinguished.  So it won’t matter.

peta

Soon, PETA promises to make all human existence just as miserable as their pathetic wasted lives

 

 

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my phone is my brother’s keeper

It’s good to know that if nothing else, your personal technology cares for you. Militant zombie assassins might desire your brain(s), but your phone will still be there for you. It’s so pleasant, you cannot possibly object. Can you?

So last night while attempting to max increase the music widget volume on my Samsung phone, I was kindly confronted with the following warning message before I could proceed:

“Listening at a high volume for a long time may damage your hearing. The volume will be increased above safe levels.”

Gee, thanks Samsung! It’s good to know you care. Without your wise guidance, I might have damaged my hearing.

But then I just maxed out the volume anyways. Hmm, in the future will the phone shock you if you disobey its kind, gentle warning?

Please don’t get me wrong, this is not an anti-Samsung rant. Apple is the most overrated corporation since the East India Company.

This rant is about lawyers and their stupidity. And the do-gooders who back them, truly believing it’s their duty and right to control human behavior.

Maxing out the volume on my music is precisely the point. When I’m cooking after a hard day at work, drinking beer, I want to feel the music in my spine. And if I damage my ears or spine in the process? Oh well, it’s my call. It’s my decision.

I’m reminded once from university, a snarky guest lecturer lawyer who told us to thank a lawyer when we saw a warning label on a knife that said, “Do not insert in child”.

Oh man, my brain, it hurts! Help me zombies. Help!

 

Dried Pasta:

“Note: Boil pasta in water prior to consuming.”

 

Blanket:

“Warning: Do not set alight.”

 

Car:

“Driving this motor vehicle my result in fatal and/or horrific debilitating injury involving the insertion of metal and/or glass shards into your corporeal form.”

 

Shower:

“Showering at a high temperature for a long time may damage your skin. The high temperature will be increased above safe levels.”

 

Banana:

“Caution: Do not use to perform surgery.”

 

Shoes:

“Note: Do not step on a prone human.”

 

Bathing Suit:

“Use of this item in an ocean environment may result in belligerent stingray or squid attack. Wearer is advised to don item only in the bathtub.”

 

Beer:

“Use of this product can make you happy. Purchaser is advised to not consume beverage in any quantity whatsoever.”

 

Outdoor Sporting Events:

“Use of this outdoor athletic facility requires athlete and spectator knowledge of lighting strike risk. Athletes are required to not use facility and adopt an indoor only sports posture such as video games.”

 

The Zoo:

“Warning: Risk of vicious, widespread, organized, unbridled mass animal breakout is greater than that of Moon striking Earth’s surface. Accordingly, The Zoo is closed forever. Please take your disappointed, crying children elsewhere. We don’t give a fuck.”

 

Samsung Smartphone Music Widget:

“Use of this product may inhibit your will to live via the warm, comfortable, and steady degeneration of your common sense and the human spirit via perpetual prompting from machines, lawyers, and do-gooders. Please cooperate. We appreciate said cooperation.”

 

samsung

Please obey. You don’t want any trouble? Do you?

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it’s cool when corporations get shovey before you’ve had your morning coffee

Business isn’t rocket science. When you really look at who fails and who doesn’t, it’s generally easy to identify the keys to success. As in, for the most part, try not to piss off your customers.

Such as, before your customer has had their coffee, it’s generally not a good idea to get shovey with them in an attempt to push product.

 

Kind Young Woman Parroting Talking Points Forced Upon Her By Giant Corporate Octopus: Good morning Sir, would you like to try our chorizo burrito today?

The Arcturus Project: Uh, no, thanks, can I just get a large black coffee please.

KYWPTPFUHBGCO: Would you like anything else? 

TAP: Uh, no thanks.

KYWPTPFUHBGCO: Would you like an apple pie?

TAP: Uh, no thanks.

 

1) Please leave me alone

2) I just want coffee; can’t we conduct this mutually beneficial transaction without any added nonsense

3) I can’t imagine walking into Chipotle and having them ask me if I’d like something other than what I’ve ordered, thrice; which probably goes a long way towards explaining why Chipotle is currently cleaning McDonalds’ clock

Enarius

maybe you need to stop being weird before you try and change the logo?