you have failed me for the last time Tennent’s

I’ve discovered over time that I’d really enjoy the power to crush things with my mind like Vader. Except, not the murderous crushing of human life with the brain or hand, but normal things. Like beer cans. That’d be cool to do that with my mind instead of my small girlish hands.

By the way, what’s up with that scene to begin with? Vader literally crushes a dude’s throat in the first five minutes. You can literally hear the guy’s windpipe cracking. This was a PG movie in 1977. How did they get away with this?

vader

Vader demonstrating the right to due process in the Empire. By the way, this is how justice is currently handed out in America. Just internet search “asset forfeiture” or “police shooting”.

And by the way, dude, Vader, you’re being a little harsh. This is just some poor merchant starship captain the rebels probably bribed. He’s got like six kids and a wife on food stamps back on Khorasan. At the very least do it in front of all the rebel crewmates so you can make an example of the guy. I don’t think all your stormtrooper buddies need this execution as a reminder of what a horrible person you are.

And then the calmer me whispers in my ear and is like, “Hey bro, they’re just using this to demonstrate what a horrible a-hole Vader is in the first twelve seconds of the flick. It’s called a movie plot, and it’s done particularly well in this one. Enjoy it.” And then I’m okay.

Anyways, so here is what I crushed today with my small girlish hand.

tennents sad

Can you see my strength? Be not impressed.

When we started this blog, it was our goal to write about every aspect of the human condition. We’ve covered war, lunacy, politics, travel, culture, eh, whatever…

Anyways, if you’ve been around long enough, you’ll know I like me some beer. So this is a beer review, sort of.

For you see, I got conned today. Once upon a time, before the age of craft beer insanity, there was really only one Scottish beer you could buy in America. It was Belhaven in the Saint Andrews bottle. Normal beer, but great.

It was only many, many years later did I discover that Belhaven (and most awesome Scottish beers) are meant to be drunk as nitro. If you don’t know what nitro is, think Guinness out of the tap or Boddingtons out of the can. I discovered this at a downtown New York Scottish bar whose name escapes me. I took pictures, but I refuse to look at the photos as the person I was with at the time I hope to never see again on a regular basis.

Anyways, another Scottish beer you can get in America is Tennent’s. Which, I think, is still Scotland’s best selling beer, but is a light lager. Think Bud or Heineken.

Nothing wrong with this. Unlike beer-hipster-snob-losers, I love light lagers for what they are. I drink more of them than any other brand. For on a work night, I don’t need fancy, and beer is just beer, friends. My favorite is Yuengling, now the largest American owned brewery left, and the oldest, and the best. [dark suited man emerges to hand me sack with $ on it, I nod, continue typing]

Anyways, today at the beer proprietor’s establishment, I noticed a pack of Tennent’s in a tall boy can. Tall boy cans can be used for any beer you like, internet search Oskar Blues. But for most Great Britain (I still believe it exists, though I’m dumb) based beers, a tall boy can means nitro is in play. Again, think Boddingtons. So my thought is, holy crap, is Tennent’s meant to be a nitro beer too? Just like I discovered Belhaven was? And of course, the answer is no. No, idiot. But I’m tired, work sucks, and so I grab the four pack of Tennent’s thinking I’m off to discover some sort of dark secret of life / mystery beer.

Again, I’ve got no beef with light lagers. I have a beef with false advertising. So what I think happened here, is Tennent’s played me (and others) for fools. By selling their light lager in a tall boy can they give you the thought that they are:

a) nitro

b) fancy

Either of these is a lie. It’s the same reason I hate how InBev has used the Bud distribution network they bought to hock Stella Artois as if it was some kind of fancy, sexy Euro-trash premium beer. When all it is, is a light lager. So InBev / Stella Artois are a bunch of liars. And I guess Tennent’s is too.

How about they try and portray themselves for what they are? I’m no business freak, but it’s like, hey dude, build on your strengths. Instead of faking it in a tall boy can, why can’t Tennent’s use a normal can, and build on its working class Scottish roots. Maybe a football game (either variety) showing a bunch of hard working dudes swilling Tennent’s on a Sunday and having a blast?

The Pabst Blue Ribbon guys have gotten away with this for the last decade. Internet search Pabst Blue Ribbon sales. I mean, they’re both market lies, the tall boy can or the working class dudes. The difference, stay with me, is that one lies about what the beer actually is (Stella Artois) whereas the football bloke Tennent’s ad shows the beer for what it really is (a decent light lager).

Oh man, if you’re still with me at this point, your brain is just as twisted as mine.

Cracks new can. Cheers!

tennents happy

This was the original can. Not a new one I opened to celebrate the completion of this blog post. Honest.

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