Tag Archives: Life

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I’m thinking of becoming a professional troll; just to amuse myself

The possibilities are endless.  Folks get offended online over anything.  I could waste more hours of humanity’s time in one post than all the department of motor vehicles combined.  All these people would take it so seriously, whereas I’d care about nothing.  Just think of the joy of so much outrage, generated by falsity.  It’d be just like the real media, but unlike them, I wouldn’t make any money.  But the daily humor would be unspeakable.

 

– I take one of my dog(s) stuffed toys and dress it up like a dodo bird.  Then I pose in front of it smiling with a rifle like it’s a hunting kill in the bush.  Only I’m just in my own backyard with the grass grown long because I’m too lazy to cut it.  And my caption is, “Just havin’ fun cleanin’ out nature’s mess.  CITES says this bird is endangered, but I found one real quick and shot it.  So I don’t think it’s endangered.  #naturegenocide”

 

– I buy an American flag and an Iranian flag.  I drape myself in both flags while wearing a Jason mask and holding a half empty wine bottle to accentuate the randomness.  And then I e-mail the picture to various Iranian Council of Guardians support groups alongside various Liberty University support groups.  Then I crack a beer(s) and await the death threats.

 

– I make a social media post with a painting of Queen Victoria accusing it of vicious sexism because it depicts a strong female ruler wearing a dress instead of a pants-suit.  In fact, I accuse Victoria’s ghost of being entirely at fault for actively participating in such horrid stereotypes.  I make sure to point out how cool it is to dive back into history and impose my own social, political, and cultural viewpoints upon those who’ve been dead for centuries.

 

– I shoot video of me wearing a faded Yugoslavian track suit as I run from business to business where I open the door and shout inside at the top of my lungs:  “I hate you pigs!  I’ll never buy anything from you!  Burn ya bastards!”  My track suit adventure entails stops at the following locations:

1) A gun shop

2) An LBGT%#? bar

3) A Christian book shop

4) A mosque gift shop

5) Hobby Lobby

6) Hilary Clinton campaign depot

Then I post the video.  Then I crack a beer(s) and await the death threats.

 

– I buy a bloody Halloween head and pose in front of it with my biggest kitchen knife covered in tomato sauce.  My caption is, “I just saw Taken 3 and I couldn’t help myself.”  I’m pretty sure this is illegal because the cops would show up.  But the purpose would be to see how many folks I could hook and get them to post anti-Hollywood violence messages just off my one photograph alone.

 

– I go on a dating site and find a lunatic female willing to assist.  She dons a Dallas Cowboys jersey; I don a Philadelphia Eagles jersey.  (PS both these teams suck)  Then I dot our eyes to imply physical injury.  Then I post the picture with the caption, “Domestic violence is okay in sports.  We both participated during the last game; just to release our internal anger.  We think it’s fun.  We think this behavior is an integral part of the NFL.  You should too.  #sportsmorals”  And then we sit back, crack a beer(s), and count the hours until Roger Goodell resigns.  It’d be a match made in heaven.

 

– I post textual evidence of my writing an offensive, deranged blog that serves no purpose and generally contributes nothing to the course of human events while hiding behind the narcissistic tag line of Exercise in Freedom of Speech.  Upon realization of actual events; I meekly contemplate my future as a bleached skeleton and wonder when I’m going to get a life.  #life

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airlines apparently need iPads to fly, iPhones to instruct location of on-switch

Apparently, American Airlines needs a working iPad to fly an aircraft.  Otherwise the pilots don’t have charts.  And I discovered today that it’s not just American, but multiple airlines who use tablets as their air charts.  So if the tablets break, the aircraft has no charts.

That’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

So if the tablet breaks while in flight, do they have to emergency land the aircraft?  If the answer’s yes, then we’re all placing our lives in the hands of some of the most breakable, fragile technology since somebody tried to use crystal glass as a medieval battlefield melee weapon.  Or, if the answer’s no, and the pilots just fly on with a broken iPad, then why can’t they just take off with it broken too?

So like, I suck at math.  So I use a calculator.  I can’t even do effective long division by hand no more.  But I’m not a mathematician.  So who cares.  But if I was an airline pilot, and I need an iPad?  Otherwise I can’t fly?  Then I’m pretty sure the pilot is too dependent upon technology and/or sucks as a pilot.

And don’t give me that nonsense that a paper chart is equivalent, that the iPad is just more efficient and is otherwise the same thing.  A paper air chart only breaks when the aircraft is in flames.  Circa 2019, some twelve-year-old-coked-out-virgin-boy from Cincinnati is going to find a way to hack the airline flight chart iPad.

We’re too dependent on technology.  We can’t do nothing without it no more.  Soon, we’ll need the smartphone to instruct us to do the following exquisite tasks:

– a new type of food arrives at your restaurant table; you’ve never eaten it before; whip out phone for directions on how to consume this new exotic treat; don’t bother trying to figure it out on your own, like it’s some kind of adventure; don’t live life, instead, do exactly as you’re told to do by others

– you no longer remember how to read a road map; road maps are you obey the verbal directions of a machine; in the event of the apocalypse, you’ll misinterpret an existing road map and drive towards the zombies’ lair instead of away from them; thus dooming your family to a lifetime banquet of brains; way to go

– you’ve forgotten how to talk to somebody face-to-face; the last time you actually saw your friends in non-text-social-media form was 2004; in fact, you just walked past them on the street and didn’t know it, you don’t even exist, nor do they

– in order to determine the time of day, you must consult your phone; one day, just for the hell of it you tried to look up at the sky to see if you could tell what time it was by the position of the sun; but you just burned your retinas as you hadn’t been outside beyond commuting to work in five weeks

– one morning, you awoke and found your phone had died; you thus no longer possessed the means to acquire news; given this, you thus naturally assumed the universe was ending, and that the dawn of a new age was at hand; and so you looted your neighbors’ homes for their worldly possessions, and declared yourself overlord of your general residential area; until you were viciously overthrown by the local authorities; but not having your smartphone handy, you were unable to determine which mental institution they were taking you, nor provide directions to the loon-van driver; for his phone had died too, and he didn’t know how to get back to work from your house

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the birds are not aware that life is a big meat grinder

When I was a kid, I was really into bird watching.  Don’t ask me why.  What?  Oh, what’s that?  Oh, well, you see, bird watching is not an app.  It’s where you look at birds, determine which one you’re looking at, and then observe their behavior to learn about nature.  Nobody does this anymore because it takes more than twelve seconds of time in front of a smartphone.

Anyways, one of the only things that’ll literally stop me in my tracks is a beautiful bird in a tree.  It’s one of the few times in life I truly, truly, without apprehension, feel alive.  Don’t ask me why.  It just does.  I like to stand and/or sit there for a long time like a creepy lunatic looking at a brick wall.  Only I’m looking at the birds in a tree.

I guess it’s because the birds are not aware that life is a big meat grinder.  They just do their thing.  It’s kind of like when my oldest dog (she’s now 14) was sitting in front of my Dad and she was absently looking him in the eyes and wagging her tail rapidly.  For no reason at all.  She was just happy.  And my Dad said something along the lines of:  “Oh, if only humans could be like the dogs and unaware, and just let go”.

Now, first off, my Dad’s not some freak philosopher.  He’s just working man average dude that wore the same sneakers for like two decades.  Which is one of the reasons I so remember this offhand comment from him.  Usually we talk about football or the weather.  So I guess it’s that my dogs lives inside a mindset unaware that life is a big meat grinder.  I think it’s the same thing that draws me to birds.

The birds give me hope that, in fact, life is not a big meat grinder.  Same with my dogs.  And my Dad.

Anyways, so if you want to know what my freak unhinged deranged brain considers “Pure Beauty”?  Well, head on over to Tokyobling’s Blog and see what he’s just posted about birds and trees.  It’s pure deliciousness.  I have a connection to Japan I’ve not really discussed on this blog, yet.  But Japan or not, this guy gets it.  It’s just too good.

https://tokyobling.wordpress.com/2015/04/02/the-mejiro-and-the-sakura/