I’m thinking of becoming a professional troll; just to amuse myself

The possibilities are endless.  Folks get offended online over anything.  I could waste more hours of humanity’s time in one post than all the department of motor vehicles combined.  All these people would take it so seriously, whereas I’d care about nothing.  Just think of the joy of so much outrage, generated by falsity.  It’d be just like the real media, but unlike them, I wouldn’t make any money.  But the daily humor would be unspeakable.


– I take one of my dog(s) stuffed toys and dress it up like a dodo bird.  Then I pose in front of it smiling with a rifle like it’s a hunting kill in the bush.  Only I’m just in my own backyard with the grass grown long because I’m too lazy to cut it.  And my caption is, “Just havin’ fun cleanin’ out nature’s mess.  CITES says this bird is endangered, but I found one real quick and shot it.  So I don’t think it’s endangered.  #naturegenocide”


– I buy an American flag and an Iranian flag.  I drape myself in both flags while wearing a Jason mask and holding a half empty wine bottle to accentuate the randomness.  And then I e-mail the picture to various Iranian Council of Guardians support groups alongside various Liberty University support groups.  Then I crack a beer(s) and await the death threats.


– I make a social media post with a painting of Queen Victoria accusing it of vicious sexism because it depicts a strong female ruler wearing a dress instead of a pants-suit.  In fact, I accuse Victoria’s ghost of being entirely at fault for actively participating in such horrid stereotypes.  I make sure to point out how cool it is to dive back into history and impose my own social, political, and cultural viewpoints upon those who’ve been dead for centuries.


– I shoot video of me wearing a faded Yugoslavian track suit as I run from business to business where I open the door and shout inside at the top of my lungs:  “I hate you pigs!  I’ll never buy anything from you!  Burn ya bastards!”  My track suit adventure entails stops at the following locations:

1) A gun shop

2) An LBGT%#? bar

3) A Christian book shop

4) A mosque gift shop

5) Hobby Lobby

6) Hilary Clinton campaign depot

Then I post the video.  Then I crack a beer(s) and await the death threats.


– I buy a bloody Halloween head and pose in front of it with my biggest kitchen knife covered in tomato sauce.  My caption is, “I just saw Taken 3 and I couldn’t help myself.”  I’m pretty sure this is illegal because the cops would show up.  But the purpose would be to see how many folks I could hook and get them to post anti-Hollywood violence messages just off my one photograph alone.


– I go on a dating site and find a lunatic female willing to assist.  She dons a Dallas Cowboys jersey; I don a Philadelphia Eagles jersey.  (PS both these teams suck)  Then I dot our eyes to imply physical injury.  Then I post the picture with the caption, “Domestic violence is okay in sports.  We both participated during the last game; just to release our internal anger.  We think it’s fun.  We think this behavior is an integral part of the NFL.  You should too.  #sportsmorals”  And then we sit back, crack a beer(s), and count the hours until Roger Goodell resigns.  It’d be a match made in heaven.


– I post textual evidence of my writing an offensive, deranged blog that serves no purpose and generally contributes nothing to the course of human events while hiding behind the narcissistic tag line of Exercise in Freedom of Speech.  Upon realization of actual events; I meekly contemplate my future as a bleached skeleton and wonder when I’m going to get a life.  #life

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