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Absurdity of the Week! Stupid Names!

Why do companies keep changing their names to shit that means absolutely nothing?!

And now it’s time for our weekly (not weekly) absurdity of the week fact to be published on a weekly (not weekly) basis. Oh, the joy of pointing out all of life’s little absurdities. (slowly loads revolver in a dark room)

SAIC became Leidos

(because you don’t want a computer company’s name to sound like a computer?)

Philip Morris became Altria

(so we’d forget they marketed death sticks to six year olds back in the forties?)

Blackwater became Xe became Academi

(goon academy?)

ING US became Voya

(uh…?)

Why are all these names creepy, poetic nonsense that sounds like divine excrement that emerged from Greek gods? Do these folks think they’ll suddenly become household memorable company terms because they now have a unique name? A name so unique it doesn’t exist as a real word in all of human history?

ING US is now Voya so they sound like a neat smooth sexual dream instead of a degenerate bank. Because nothing says I should trust all my money more with these guys, a company that trashed its cherished long term name for an unknown short term benefit. 

You know what, everybody should do this. It’s a chance for a new start! 

Hitler can change his name to Orsensya. Satan can become Astinara. Kim Jong Un, Destructicus. 

Or take McDonalds! They’ve got some issues lately because their food, while nostalgically awesome, still leaves an aftertaste that reminds one of their old styrofoam tins. Chipotle and Five Guys are cleaning their clock because of silly things like food quality. Time for a new era!

McDonalds becomes Enarius

“i’m lovin’ it” becomes “culinary wisdom of the ages”

Ronald McDonald becomes Mister Enarius, a 55 year old white guy in a loose fitting toga who hangs out with little children alone at The Enarius House of Culinary Wisdom.

Enarius

This idea cannot fail. Give me the $3M in marketing fees. What could go wrong?

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If you gotta go…

Cushing

Today President Obama presented the Medal of Honor to the family of Brevet Lieutenant Colonel Alonzo Cushing, hero of Gettysburg. I took this shot in 2012, from his gun position. If you can imagine 15 thousand gray coats from end-to-end, you get the idea.

I grew up reading about him, knowing his name. I have no idea why. Maybe his age, 22 years old, drew me? In a weird way, I’m not so sure about the medal though. His peers lived this war, who are we to overturn their decision? Alonzo’s brothers, William and Howard, also went early via the field of battle. It was a very different time then.

We don’t get to choose how we check out, and given the chance, Cushing and anyone else would have rather wanted to go home that day. But sometimes one’s life is the pain, suffering, and honor of a single afternoon. Sometimes we simply do what we were born to do. “Faithful unto Death” is on his tombstone.

Hopefully Cushing and his brothers are boozing it up in Valhalla to celebrate. Alongside all those they fought with and against. So that we could all be free tonight.

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Emotional cruelty to children makes for great entertainment

I’ve got an idea for the new internets video sensation. I’m gonna strap several small children to chairs and play movies to them of small cute animals meeting the wheels of large mobile vehicles. Then I’ll film their reactions and post them on the internets. I can’t fail! I’ll get a billion clicks overnight! Cool!

So usually, I’m the idiot who yells at folks who get offended by things. But in the case of Jimmy Kimmel getting parents to play with their kids’ brains on Halloween candy? Well, I’m not offended as much as depressed that this is what passes for hit entertainment.

Could you ever picture Johnny doing anything like this? No, Johnny had class. This stunt is positively classless. It’s also very, very creepy. Degenerate parents are so off the wall narcissist that they’re chasing internets clicks via the pain of their kids.

Yeah I know, I have also repeatedly said I hate bubble wrapped kids. But there are other ways to goof off with your kids. To play with their heads so they learn how to emotionally react to an ever-changing cruel world. Remember simple wholesome things like, “Got your nose”?

If “Got your nose” is the old school equivalent of a functional society, then “I ate all your candy” is the motto of a culture bound for the crypt. Enjoy the ride, friends.

I want to kidnap the parents of these kids, inject them with mind-expanding-chemicals, and then video tape them as I state:

“I stole all your money. You’re ruined. Fucked. All your hopes and dreams are finished. Here’s a revolver.”

And then I walk out of the room. When I post the video, I’ll get ten million clicks for sure!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to sign off. I’ve got to spend some time thinking about my next shitty blog post. Tomorrow, I’ll get so many neat clicks from the textual vomit that is my brilliance. I’m so smart and clever! There is nothing wrong with this at all. All is well. Please carry on.

Jimmy-Kimmel-Live

Upon arrival in Valhalla, Johnny will punch this man square in the face

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Your vote is probably irrelevant, but vote anyways

I feel like I wasted my time. Half the major ballot areas had only one candidate. For the other races, I already know who wins. So why did I do it? Because I believe in democracy and freedom.

We’d like to think our political servants are accountable to us, right? But they’ve rigged the game, both sides. Gerrymandering, fucking money, influence peddling, and so on. Do they actually work for us? Based on what I saw on my ballot today? I’m not so sure.

Maybe the average guy or gal is just out of it, irrelevant. But you know what, nobody held a gun to my head today, not yet anyways. I voted as my heart and conscience guided me. Over half the planet doesn’t have that. So I did it. You should too.

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No, winter is not yet coming

The Forest

Took this one, beginning of winter, back in 2005.  We’re not there yet, but soon all the leaves will be off.  Today felt like the first real cold day of the year.  Up north, it snowed this morning.  The first idiot Christmas ads hit television today.  But it’s still Fall.  Enjoy it.

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How not to stop corruption

For the degenerate blog author, vicious dictatorships are the gift that keeps on giving. It’s just so much fun to point out how utterly foolish their actions are. On the other hand, we also seem to spend a great deal of time bashing democratically elected politicians here too. So, I guess you could say we’re equal opportunity bigots.

We hate all the human race. We’re all ruined. Please make your plans accordingly. My guests support this theory. They have volunteered their services to bring about our Eventual Doom. Celebrations are to be planned. Fun to be had.

Anyways. So China’s overlords once again want the little people to know they care. The State’s on the path to slaying corruption.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-29797985

If you’re a poor peasant, and a party hack just ejected you off your family’s ancient farmland using thugs, so they could build an apartment block so ugly Soviet dudes would cringe, you’re designated recourse is to:

“After receiving a report from someone who provides his real name, the procuratorate should do a risk assessment and must, in a timely manner, implement a protection plan and prevent reprisals on the whistle-blower,” it said.

Ah, I see. So, like, if we blow the whistle on Xi Jinping’s ~$2B personal fortune, do my guests & I get the support of the State to “prevent reprisals on the whistle-blower”?

What about Ilham Tohti? Lots of people say he’s a well-deserving whistle-blower type. He’s said such interesting things like acknowledging Chinese rule over Xinjiang and promoting racial harmony with such delicious statements as: “do not place hatred between the two people, Uighur and Han”.

So you know this guy is accorded all the protections of China’s just laws, right?

Except he just got jailed for life. For life.

Just get a look at this guy. Now here’s a man who looks like he’s ready to start shooting Reds in the streets tomorrow. What a freak zealot. Man, the Reds really dodged a bullet by locking his dangerous ass up forever:

tohti

Oh, so, ah, I guess they’re not serious. Hmm, I wonder if this is just about Xi using the excuse of fighting corruption so he can crush all opposition to his benevolent, wise rule. But he wouldn’t do that. He seems like a real standup, honest guy. Just ask Ilham Tohti’s family. I’m sure they’d back him.

stormy

The Arcturus Project’s Weekly (Not Weekly) Stormy Cloud Award goes to His Eminence President Xi Jinping, Billionaire, Hypocrite, Dictator & Overlord of the Chinese People