Category Archives: Middle East

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This is what it looks like when history overcomes the actions of man

Sometimes what you do just doesn’t matter. Sometimes what whole countries do, or even the entire planet does, just doesn’t matter. Folks occasionally refer to this as the ‘great wheel’. History takes over or chaos reigns.

Because when people aren’t serious, lunacy gets to run wild. By any definition, Maliki, America, the UN, your next door neighbor, you, me, were not serious about Iraq. And so history got to work its magic. Enjoy it, we all own it.

At first I considered the possibility that Maliki was allowing ISIS to seize significant portions of Iraq so he could effectively divest himself of the majority Sunni lands. Then he could keep Baghdad, the majority Shiite lands, and build his own Shiite super state. What does he need the northwest for anyways? There’s hardly any oil, a bunch of Sunnis who he hates live there, and so on.

Yet today I’m confronted with the reality that Maliki isn’t playing a game. He’s actually completely powerless. The withdrawal or desertion of Iraqi forces is not part of a broader devious plan. They’re actually losing. Maliki does not have a functioning army under his command. How do I know this? Because the Kurds took Kirkuk today and didn’t fire a shot.

If you know anything about Iraq the last few years, it’s that if Iraq was going to descend into civil war, it was to be over Kirkuk. There’s oil there. And the autonomous Kurds and Baghdad were literally ready to trade tank rounds over it. One of the top three reasons everybody thought the Americans needed to stay was to ensure the Kurds and Shiites didn’t kill each other over Kirkuk. The Americans were the neutral party.

So if Maliki isn’t able to hold Kirkuk, he’s truly in trouble. Thus, observe one of history’s great lessons, once again on display. When you turn a reasonable standing army into a tribal militia where merit and training are replaced by religion and politics? Don’t be surprised when a battalion runs away from sixteen guys in four pickup trucks.

So what’s going to happen? ISIS isn’t going to seriously tangle with the Kurds because their forces are fairly good. Maliki is likely to hold Baghdad because ISIS just doesn’t have the firepower or manpower to overcome even the seriously degraded Iraqi Army. But the Shiites aren’t going to be able to retake the northwest, even if they wanted to.

So the Kurds will get their fully autonomous state in the north, with Kirkuk. Maliki will get his Shiite state in the southeast with Baghdad. And the Sunnis will get the northwest and be left to rot, under ISIS lunatics or anybody else who has enough guns to hold it.

So finally, after all these years, after all the war and death, after all the back room diplomacy, Iraq is finally divided into three parts.

In other words, every single action post 2003 is now a failure.

Who’s to blame? Well, I’ll probably write about that later. But don’t listen to idiots who are already telling you they had it figured out back in 2003 or 2005 or 2009 or 2011. It did not have to end this way even after it started or was changed. Folks who have an axe to grind are going to use this to push their politics, one side or the other. But in general, the answer for who’s to blame is:

Everybody

Everybody had a hand in this. So for right now, who cares? The question currently on offer is what’s to be done about this? I could answer that, but for right now, who cares? Why? Because the real answer is that the world’s going to do nothing. Nothing. Everybody’s going to watch Iraq burn. So since we’re going to do nothing, why even talk options. Let’s just sit back and observe the great wheel doing its thing. Enjoy it, the whole world owns it.

iraq

This man’s face and this scene have occurred in Iraq seventeen times since the dawn of man

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There are violent exceptions to every rule

Sepp Blatter is worth more to the human race as fuel than as a breathing human being. So we should add him to the feed stock of his local power plant.

Now generally, such a belligerent statement is not productive. Who wants to promote the rapid disintegration of people? Well, my guests I suppose. But this is typically not a good idea. Yet there are exceptions, and in Sepp’s case, I’m willing to break all the rules to remove his form from our lives.

Sepp’s latest drunken boast is that those who oppose the selection of Qatar for 2022 are racist. No, really, this actually happened:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/0/football/27762435

You have to at least admire how ridiculously carefree Sepp is. The dude’s been on the take for decades. Everybody knows he’s stolen as much cash as the world’s biggest kleptocrats. On his watch, soccer is among the world’s most consistently widespread corrupt sports. Why? Because when the guy in charge is lining his pockets and always getting away with it, well, why not you too?

But no, no, we’re not upset that Qatari cash bought 2022 despite the fact that the country is unfit to host. No, we’re all just racists. Oh, okay Sepp. I’ll be sure to remember that as I think about you sleeping in your palace tonight. Right before my guests rip you from your bed, throw you into the back of their Teledar, and fly you over to your local generating station for the aforementioned end stage of your existence.

But don’t worry, FIFA is personally investigating the claims that FIFA is corrupt. So you know the report is good. We’ll have this cleaned up before 2015. Truly.

I suppose it’s natural that we’d want to discuss what’s going on with 2018 and 2022 just as we’re about to begin 2014, but you have to wonder why Sepp wants to bring this up now? Uncle Vladimir and a bunch of oil barons bought the next two tournaments. But you can reasonably claim that Brazil earned 2014 fair and square. I think?

So my only conclusion is that Sepp is a lunatic. And he just does not care. He’s survived this long. He’ll be around for the next one too. So it’s Russia in 2018, Qatar in 2022, and Sepp Blatter in a gold laced, diamond encrusted casket one day. Either that, or the power plant option. Don’t sleep too deeply, Sepp. You never know.

sepp-blatter

How the fuck do I keep getting away with this shit? [hmm] Eh [shrugs], whatever, fuck it. [lights cigar with cash & orphan’s tears]

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Want to keep schoolgirls safe? Shoot them in the head.

We all want girls everywhere to receive extensive education. The problem is some men (not real men) are in the business of ending girl’s education because they want to live in the year 300. If you’re reading this blog, you probably think this is a bad idea. And so you desire a fair and equitable solution to ensure girls everywhere get what’s their right. Well, here’s your answer:

Shoot them in the head.

Either those men (not real men). Or the girls. Your choice. You have to pick one. Sorry.

Malala Yousafzai was shot in the head by the Pakistani Taliban for the unconscionable crime of promoting literacy. She now tours the world advancing this cause. She’s got more balls than 95% of the male politicians in Pakistan. But unfortunately, what she’s doing barely matters.

There are millions of girls in Pakistan that wake up every day with the reality that their school could end before sundown. Yousafzai is an international star, but the Pakistani Taliban remains. The situation is the same across the border in Afghanistan. A resilient Taliban has among its broad goals a return to their enlightened days where learning how to conduct basic math was an insult to their honor (not real honor).

And in keeping with these delightful themes is Boko Haram. They have an equally emphatic goal to burn down schools and eliminate knowledge. It’s even their name. Like Yousafzai, the abducted girls of Nigeria are now a global cause. Like Yousafzai, nothing substantial is going to come from it.

The various Taliban factions, Boko Haram, and so on, all have one thing in common. They are all lunatics. You can negotiate with them all you want, but they’re not going to change their minds. When a belligerent psychopath produces a moral and physical threat to your values, and is beyond reason, you’re left with two options:

a) Ignore them

b) Shoot them in the head

For years, the world chose option (a) with regards to Boko Haram. Despite all the noise of the last week, I assure you, the planet is still choosing option (a). Want to save these girls? Don’t login to a computer program unless you’re prepared to advocate for option (b). Want to support Yousafzai’s cause? Lobby for option (b).

You hate the idea of Western “boots on the ground”. You despise war. You are the first to shout at the West when it throws its weight around in the world like a “bully”. You wouldn’t pay $4 a year in extra taxes if it meant funding a UN force in Nigeria. But you’ll get onto Twitter and tweet your support for the girls all day. Sorry, you can’t have it both ways.

If you do not choose option (b), you are accepting that you don’t really care. In this case, don’t bother speaking your mind about “your girls”. You’re just a hypocrite who likes to support causes for a while. Until you don’t care anymore, or move onto the next trendy cause that has your support for exactly twelve calendar days.

1) Push your local representative to get a UN or AU force on the ground in northeastern Nigeria. Then push for them to establish an international offensive force to comb the bush until every Boko Haram zealot is shot in the face.

2) Push your local representative to keep a small Western footprint in Afghanistan. Then push for them to make sure that Western footprint enables the Afghani security forces to comb the mountains until every Taliban is shot in the face.

3) Push your local representative to pressure Pakistan to mount offensives into Yousafzai’s homeland until every Pakistani Taliban is shot in the face.

Or, do nothing. Or, don’t care. Or, login to a social media program and generate a bunch of pointless words or hashtags. Any of these will result in more girls getting abducted or shot in the head.

Your call.

girl-school_full_600

Afghanistan circa 2012; a man with a gun will either burn down this school or another man with a gun will keep it safe

#shootevilmenintheface

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Why did this take so long?

It’s usually just not that hard to know who will win.  Folks get paid billions to inform leaders what’s “really going on”.  I find this humorous when a five year old could call this game.

So Bashar al-Assad, Dictator & Murderer, Former Medical Professional, and Child of Satan has been in the human life extinguishment business for over three years.  He’s able to do so for a variety of reasons.  To keep this post relatively brief, let’s just go ahead and acknowledge one key advantage while ignoring the rest for a moment:

Assad has all the tools of modern combined arms warfare at his disposal.  His enemies do not.

Armored vehicles, jets, and heavy artillery are machines that make Death happy.  Assad’s had them in play almost from the beginning.  At first, the rebels had the initiative because it took time for the Syrian Army to learn how to use these weapons in a coherent and skilled manner.  They’ve figured it out.

And they’ve also come up with some really neat inspiring methods.  All hail the dark ability of mankind’s children to butcher each other in the most unique ways.  Who would have thought that a 55 gallon drum would be one of the world’s most effective urban warfare munitions?  Well, enjoy it, because I’m sure we’ve not seen the last of that tool, in Syria or elsewhere.

Honestly, I’m shocked the rebels have lasted this long.  I think the only thing going for them is Assad, even with Hezbollah reinforcements, just simply does not have the manpower to take this to the end stage.

All the while the Western world and a few Gulf States have claimed to support the rebels with the things they need to win, or at least survive.  The problem is that nothing they’ve been given thus far is a game changer when you compare it to the weapons handled by Assad.

Assad is given new vehicles by Russia.  Qatar hands out body armor.  Syria gets replacement parts for its attack aircraft.  The United States delivers combat rations.  No chances to guess who wins this one.

Oh, but wait, things are changing?  Maybe?

http://www.washingtonpost.com/world/middle_east/syrian-rebels-who-received-first-us-missiles-of-war-see-shipment-as-an-important-first-step/2014/04/27/61ec84d8-0f53-4c9f-bf0a-c3395819c540_story.html

Guess what kids, this isn’t going to change anything.  Nothing.  This is just enough to make stupid people think the Western world is doing something to help, when they aren’t.  It’s the illusion of support.

Here’s a short battlefield tutorial for those who think Call of Duty is an accurate representation of modern war.  It does not matter how many man-portable anti-tank missile systems you have when:

1) Your enemy clearly has more armored vehicles than you have missiles

2) Your enemy can still call in the necessary air & artillery strikes on all your positions; before they let their vehicles get into your anti-tank missile’s range

3) Your enemy, when required, can still switch tactics and send in the light infantry (Hezbollah) ahead of the tanks to slay your anti-tank missile teams before the armor is brought up

Thus, despite what the Washington Post says, this changes nothing.  It’s just noise.  Sure, some Syrian armor is going to get caught, but it’s not enough.  The Syrian rebels have had variations of accurate and powerful Russian made anti-tank weapons they’ve stolen from the army for years.  It’s never changed the course of the war.

But let’s just say for a second this matters, it still begs the question:

Why did this take so long?

So apparently the West doesn’t give sophisticated weapons to the rebels because of terrorist chain of custody concerns.  Well, what does that have to do with the TOW system?  Why didn’t we hand these out like they were candy two years ago?  A TOW system needs at least three guys to use it right, or a truck to move it around.  They aren’t putting this thing in their checked airplane baggage.  Or sneaking it past some drunken border guard.

They should have handed these out in the thousands two years ago.  They probably have a limitless amount just sitting in NATO warehouses where they’ll run out the clock until they’re demolished at the end of their shelf life.

But the true explanation gets back to what we talked about earlier, both above and in previous posts.  Russia and Iran are in this to win.  The West is not.  War’s over.  Sorry.

The guy in this article, Adwa, says of the delivery “It’s psychological more than physical.”  But then he just about sums it up when he says this:

“The government’s friends were more faithful than our friends,”

They should chisel those words onto the West’s tombstone.  Adwa’s a brave man, but he’s on his own.  And in the end, even if it takes ten years, he’s going to lose.

syriatankrocketus

A textbook study on why tactics are irrelevant when your strategy is complete garbage

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Arcturus News Muster – 20 April 2014

Every day (not every day) we get together in our hovel and produce the finest and most professional news product this side of the Crab Nebula.  As always there are two smart things you should do with this breathtaking creation:

a) Don’t read it; never visit this blog again

b) Read it; enjoy yourself

Esh-Ala’s challenge to you this Easter is to accomplish both (a) and (b) simultaneously.  If you do, he’ll provide you with a congratulatory death ray demonstration on the bitter, ancestral foe of your choice.

 

1) Israeli Security Forces Channel Inner Asshole

The Arcturus Project News

In the latest successful act in a comprehensive quest to alienate the entire human race, Israeli police are under fire for preventing various Christian groups from accessing the holy sites for Easter.  The latest “rat-faced terrorist” barred was in fact United Nations Middle East peace enjoy Robert Serry.  Mr Serry was unable to participate in a Jerusalem ritual as Israeli security forces were attempting to conduct a rectal scan on him to find the source of his hatred for the “Jewish State”.  Similar criticism erupted when a band of Christian Palestinians were also denied access.

Israeli authorities fervently dismissed the bizarre notion that any individual or groups were refused entry on religious grounds.  Said an Israeli foreign ministry spokesman, “Anybody turned away was for purely safety reasons.  We were truly worried about stampedes and other considerations.  Mr Serry is a bigot for asking us to properly plan and execute a crowd control movement that happens on a scheduled date every single year.  We question his overall intelligence.  In fact, he should thank us for saving his life.”

Yet experts question the overall impact of such actions on the international community’s view of Israel itself.  “I don’t quite understand why there is this deliberate attempt by the Israeli’s to anger just about everybody they can on a constant basis.  It’s baffling,” commented one European Union official, “every day I wake up and expect to see a story on an Israeli agent kicking the shit out of a lame, sick cat on live television.  If the Palestinians denied Jewish access like this on a holy day, they’d cluster bomb the checkpoint.”

Israeli police have promised an attempt to improve the crowd control situation next year by implementing a more refined, “iron fist” security plan.  Efforts are in the works to string barbed wire and a concrete blast wall around the Church of the Holy Sculpture in time for the 2015 Easter celebration.  Reached at his castle in Hawaii, and told of the proposed plans, Jesus commented to a TAP journalist, “Bro, seriously?  I mean, really?”

 

2) Japan Garrisons Island with Sacrificial Human Meat

The Arcturus Project News

In the latest escalation of the growing tit-for-tat exchange over the disputed Sankaku/Diaoyu Islands, Japan plans to construct a radar station close to the north of the chain.  The installation and its 150 support personnel will establish on Yonaguni Island located just 90 miles from the Senkakus.

Japanese Defense Minister Itsunori Onodera cautioned that given the circumstances, Japan should be expected to increase its military presence within the region, if not the Senkaku’s themselves.  “We have a duty to protect sovereign Japanese territory.  These brave men will provide the necessary speed bump we require to mobilize after the first wave of missile fire obliterates this new base in the first twenty minutes of any larger struggle.”  Japanese military troops, the first on the island, were supportive of this patriotic action.  “Wait, hold on,” said one junior sergeant, “What the hell did he just say about twenty minutes?”

The move comes in response to continuing aggressive actions by Beijing in its near territorial waters.  The most recent changes include the establishment of an Air Defense Zone in the East China Sea and clashes with the Philippines in the South China Sea over the resupply of a Philippine garrison.  Beijing officials lightly brushed off the minor Japanese action with the typical professional statements offered by a responsible and established world power.  “What,” said one Beijing foreign ministry spokesman, “those fucking cowards!  We’ll target that radar with six nuclear warheads within the week.  And then we’ll find out where their families are and nuke them too.  Fuck them.  Fuck you all!”

 

3) Brazilians Protest Aspirational Police Brutality

The Arcturus Project News

In response to recent Brazilian protests against the deaths of two civilians caught in police and drug dealer crossfire, The Arcturus Project sat down with Brazilian Police Captain Arturo “The Bullet” Pamiro.

The Arcturus Project:  Captain Pamiro thanks for agreeing to speak with us via Arcturan remote tactical mind link.

Captain Pamiro:  My pleasure, happy to talk with you.

TAP:  So it’s been a rough week in Rio?

CP:  Yes, we had a sharp exchange of gunfire between our men and drug enforcers.  Unfortunately, two civilians were caught in the middle and killed.

TAP:  These clashes are increasing the more you and the police move in and secure the favelas?

CP:  Of course, the more we slide into drug territory the harder they push back.

TAP:  How do you respond to the accusations that these incursions are only a preparatory action for the World Cup and the Olympics, that maybe you’re too aggressive?

CP:  We can never get too aggressive.  But as to the World Cup concerns, well sure, what else would we be here?

TAP:  To police the city?

CP:  What?  You’ve got to be shitting me.  The police simply don’t have the manpower or resources to control the whole city.  I can’t work miracles.  Our orders are to infiltrate the favelas closest to World Cup transport links and sports venues.  The rest of the favelas can just rot for all we care.

TAP:  …

CP:  Plus we try and limit how many drug dealers we engage in certain circumstances because so many members of the force and our political masters are on the take.  We can’t take too much of the pie of out play.  We’re not stupid.

TAP:  … So, ah, wow.  Hey, hold on for a second.

CP:  Certainly.

TAP:  (unintelligible mutterings)

CP:  …

TAP:  So, so, do the police intend to remain in these recently conquered favelas after the World Cup and the Olympics are over?

CP:  Ah, maybe, we haven’t received definitive guidance yet.  Maybe we’ll stay afterwards, but if we don’t we’ll just leave and return these areas to the shitholes who ran them before.

TAP:  The dealers?

CP:  Yeah, fuck them.

TAP:  So if a significant portion of your force and local politicians have your hands in drug money, why didn’t you all just cut an agreement with the dealers that didn’t involve a full blown military style operation with armored vehicles and lots of gunfire?

CP:  Are you shitting me?  Do you know who those fuckers are?

TAP:  The guy’s you do business with?

CP:  Right, but I don’t trust them to even look at my car without disaster occurring.  We know these guys, we simply could not trust them to execute a non-interference policy for such a high profile international events.

TAP:  I see.

CP:  Plus, every once and a while we have to conduct police work.  We need to roll in and break shit, show folks the cops are on the job.

TAP:  That doesn’t really sound like real police work to me.

CP:  I don’t understand.  Are you saying we aren’t cops?  Everybody does this shit.  Just look at America now, if you traffic in illegal flowers the cops will roll in with enforcers, shoot your dog, and bash your head in.  Get off my fucking back!

TAP:  Right, I know.  (unintelligible muttering)  Right, they think they’re all Nascimento.

CP:  What’s that?

TAP:  Uh, nothing.

CP:  No, no, I think I heard you right.  Of course, Elite Squad is a barracks favorite.

TAP:  Plastic bags and such?

CP:  Of course, of course.  Every force has to have its heroes.  For us, that’s our aspiration.  We’ll control the show just like Nascimento did.

TAP:  So you know there was a sequel right?  The Enemy Within had kind of a different flavor that I think you’re missing.

CP:  What do you mean?

TAP:  So if I remember right, Nascimento kind of took a different view in the second film after, you know, they shot his best friend in the back and then put one into his son?

CP:  No, I mean, what are you talking about?  There isn’t a sequel to Elite Squad, there’s only one movie.

TAP:  No, really, I mean it’s right there…

CP:  Now hold on, I’ve seen Elite Squad like fifty times, there’s no sequel I ever heard of or seen.  Nascimento ends that movie by handing Matias a shotgun, and around and around we go…

TAP:  No dude, really, listen, so…

CP:  No you listen buddy, don’t you tell me what movies do or do not exist in my own fucking country okay.

TAP:  The Enemy Within ends (pounds fist) with Nascimento narrating as they overfly fucking Brasilia and he’s totally pissed off!

CP:  (unintelligible profanity)  Fuck you pig, where do you live!  (unintelligible profanity)  (phone line terminated)

TAP:  For fuck’s sake (throws chair) next time we need to do an interview about happy elves or a barbeque or something.  Talking heavy shit with these assholes is really ruining my buss.  (unintelligible muttering)  No, no dude, I don’t care that you guys find this so amusing.  (unintelligible muttering)  Yeah, and I don’t care that you guys think that guy is cool either.  What the hell is wrong with you?  (unintelligible muttering)  Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.

(end tape)

 

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-27090580

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-27089658

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-latin-america-27092318

Elite Squad 2, Sundance Film Festival 2011

“Copy, understood, but I still think you’re missing the point.  Don’t you know what I am?  Don’t make me drive down there and tell it to your face you dumb fuck.”

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Fraudulent elections are the best elections

I’ve called my own snap election! I’ve consulted six million of my closest neighbors to determine if I am the biggest degenerate, hack in the galaxy. My opponent: ordinary, private citizen Abdel Fattah el-Sisi. By a 99% margin, they chose me.

Shocked, I fled to my hovel and cried like a schoolgirl rejected by Bieber until one of my Arcturan guests knocked me out with a blow to the back of the neck. They were sick of my noise. They were playing cards and required my silence. Or whatever they call cards. I don’t understand the game other than that for once, they don’t yell a lot.

Why do the dictators bother? Everybody on the planet knows that when you rake in 99% of the vote, your election was an exercise less useful than doing yoga in an attempt to rid yourself of the plague. Everyone with a functioning brain already knows Sisi is the next president of Egypt. Why will he bother holding a poll? Nobody’s going to believe it was real. What’s the point?

No really, I don’t get it. I may insult our debauched race like it’s cool but I generally have faith that we’re not all drug-fueled-idiots. Not one person is this stupid. Nobody believes 99% is legitimate. So I have no idea. If you know, tell me, and then inform your neighbors, and then call Sisi and see if he agrees. I’m sure it’ll be real easy to get him on the phone.

The Arcturans don’t understand either. Where they come from, a fraud election is called a “brutal, comprehensive liquidation of your political, cultural, and practical enemies”. They don’t comprehend why Sisi doesn’t just take his efforts “to the next level” rather than wasting time and resources on tedious balloting. I tried to explain to them that Earth is different from Arcturus. On Earth, nobody could get away with that kind of brutality anymore.

Our planet is more sophisticated than theirs. Here, if a Middle East dictator exterminated several-hundred-thousand humans in an attempt to consolidate his rule, we wouldn’t stand for it, we’d put a stop to it. So, … (unintelligible profanity) (throws chair)

You know what, fraudulent elections are the best elections. Sisi is the next president of Egypt. He’ll get the title via deceit or the deaths of many. Either way, it’s his job, nobody on this planet’s going to stop him. So you know what, let him have a fake referendum. Since nobody cares, it’s better than massive blood in the streets.

esh-ala

This fine gentleman considers Sisi a “putrid lightweight” in terms of his “barbarity”

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Arcturus News Muster – 24 March 2014

On Arcturus, the news is presented for consumption by a grizzled Arcturan enforcer veteran (nobody retires) who provides coherent analysis, with heavy bias, and an educated filter. This means he sounds awfully like an Earth reporter, except for the intelligence part. Thus, bask in the glory of the work of Ashik-Al of the Ninth Regiment. Or don’t, either way, I assure you, he doesn’t care.

 

1) Egyptian Court Channels “Inner Asshole”

The Arcturus Project News

In a development shocking only to those who don’t understand the Arab mind a court in Egypt sentenced to death over five-hundred supporters of deposed President Mohammed Morsi. The five-hundred are said to have received the privilege of martyrdom as they were not among the more than one-thousand shot dead by security forces in the streets earlier this year. “They just squeaked through somehow,” said Interior Ministry Colonel Ibrahim “The Bull” Ibn Trigger, “we just couldn’t get them to connect with a bullet in the air. So we’re going to have to do this the hard way.”

Critics charged that the brief, clearly one-sided, verdict was beyond extreme for the death of only one police officer. However, analysts stated the verdict is likely to lessen on appeal and that an Egyptian death sentence is rarely carried out in practice. “What we’ll see is a lot of folks locked up, but I don’t think we’re going to see any mass executions,” quoted one justice expert from the World Bank.

Colonel Ibn Trigger agreed with this assessment. “I think in the end, most of these guys will actually go completely free. We’re just trying to scare them a little. Who do you think we are, Assad? We’d never get away with such a horrific crime of executing so many behind bars. Plus, if they’re on the streets again, I can go back to work.”

 

2) Bankers Acquire More Cash to Lick Celebratory Cigars

The Arcturus Project News

The United Kingdom’s Co-op Bank was to obtain more than £400M in cash ($659M) to make up for its more than £1.2B loss from 2013. It will raise the money via a unique share issue. The move follows the discovery of additional factors exposing the further fragile nature of the bank’s organization and stability.

The new funds were also required to lick an extended shipment of Cuban cigars that arrived just this month. The priceless tobacco came to celebrate the bank’s continued success despite an ongoing history of civil and criminal failures. Said Chief Executive Niall Booker, “Nobody’s ever been punished. I’m completely incompetent. I’m making at least £40M this year. Who wouldn’t want to celebrate. This is the best job on the planet.”

Mr Booker brushed away criticism that the bank is unmanageable and that its overall health as an institution was in question at severe risk to the British taxpayer. “Fuck you,” he offered, “Fuck you all.”

 

3) An Interview with the New Boss of Belbek

The Arcturus Project News

The Arcturus Project News spoke with Sergei Pianowirevich, recently appointed by President Vladimir Putin as Interim Commander, Belbek Air Force Base, Crimea.

The Arcturus Project: Colonel Pianowirevich, thanks for agreeing to speak with us via telephone.

Colonel Pianowirevich: My pleasure, but please, I’m no colonel.

TAP: Ah, my apologies, your rank?

Pianowirevich: I’m actually a vice marshall of the local Russian culture, vodka, & chess club.

TAP: Uh, …, okay, so ah, …, Vice Marshall Pianowirevich?

Pianowirevich: Yes?

TAP: Okay, ah, so, …, how’s your first day in command going? And congratulations on your glorious victory.

Vice Marshall Pianowirevich: Thank you. Thank you. Splendid, splendid. We’re taking an inventory of equipment, assets, and ensuring security is handled well.

TAP: And the former Ukrainian occupants?

VMP: Ha! Don’t worry, those dirty fascist rats are headed home safely. We’re not animals after all!

TAP: Holy shit! (drops glass) You guy’s took a bunch of fucking Nazis prisoner!?

VMP: Uh, excuse me?

TAP: A bunch of freaking Nazis! You gotta be shitting me!? (throws notes) How many? Were they true black suited SS!?

VMP: You seem to misunderstand, they are Ukrainian fascists from their country’s armed forces.

TAP: You said they were fascists. Ukrainian Nazis. They have to be like ninety, each of them.

VMP: Yes, yes, but not Nazis, German Nazis, they’re all young. You see there’s a difference.

TAP: Ah, I see, forgive me but I’m really confused. How would you describe the difference?

VMP: I don’t understand.

TAP: Well you see, I’m an educated man, I read things, and I guess when you say fascists I think of all those Nazis that burned half of Russia sixty years ago.

VMP: Yes, that’s them! Hehe, you’ve got it.

TAP: Ah, so how many Russian’s did those dirty Hitler-lovers get this time before you stepped in?

VMP: …

TAP: Vice Marshall?

VMP: No, yes, but you seem to misunderstand, the fascists were here to enslave Russians.

TAP: So they must have really burned the shit out of the Russian quarter in Sevastopol. Did they do a bunch of old fashioned Luger executions by the sausage stand before you guy’s moved in to save the day?

VMP: Now listen, I see where this is going, you’re one of them. You’re a dirty Western fascist! I’m not going to stand for this propaganda. We did what we wanted on our own. We cleansed our great nation and returned it to our Motherland! (pounds desk)

TAP: So before you moved in, what then if not the Lugers, like, did the fascists do it by the vodka stand with MP-38s?

VMP: (unintelligible profanity) Capitalist, fascist, dog! (unintelligible profanity) (phone line terminated)

TAP: So he does realize he gave us his phone number & address up front right? (mumbling) Yeah, yeah. (mumbling) Okay, let’s dial again. He’s new to the valiant colonel’s office, he doesn’t know how to block the calls yet. (mumbling) Then we’ll try his home number too, either way we’re good. We can let his wife know what an awesome Nazi hunter her husband is.

(end tape)

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-26712124

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-26711702

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-26713727

 fine_gentleman

Oh my, this $500 stogie tastes so much better when it’s licked by your shattered dreams.

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It’s well past time to let some fighter pilots get their beaks wet

I’ve honestly never understood the supposedly reasonable arguments for not, at the very least, establishing a no-fly zone over Syria.  The situation’s a mess, it’s probably not solvable by the international community, and in any case nobody’s going to put troops on the ground.  So why care?  Because when you’re letting a guy push barrel bombs out the back of helicopters onto apartment blocks, then we are all complicit in such a disgusting act because it’s so easy for us to stop it.

This is yet again, on full display, the incompetent narcissism of the international diplomatic community.  For them it’s about the self-interest of a nation and the preservation of a very precise and refined international order that they build and maintain.  If the events of the last few months have shown anything, it exposes just how foolish this fantasy really is.  So we’ve allowed a guy to murder north of one-hundred thousand of his own people because attacking him would make Russia angry?  How’d that work out for us?  If we’re going to live in a lawless world where Crimea is a footnote by next August, well let’s just go ahead and do whatever we fucking want also.

Sweeping the skies clean isn’t going to solve Syria’s civil war.  Assad can always just fire tank shells into hospitals too.  But you go with the art of the possible.  Despite what cowardly, uniformed politicians (they call themselves generals & admirals) in the West have claimed, this isn’t that hard or dangerous.  They could establish and maintain a no-fly zone in Syria in a week.  This we can do.  We can’t destroy every tank in Syria without invading, and we’re certainly not going to do that.  Fine, we take what we can get.  At least it’s something.  At least it’s a message that we actually care about what kind of world we live in.

Oh my, says the established, educated diplomat.  Well what about the removal of the chemical weapons?  We can’t allow that deal to get detonated, Mr Arcturus, can we?  Ah, I see, so Assad has met all his deadlines on chemical weapons, right?  Here’s a view of the future that’s one-hundred percent guaranteed to be true, friends: Assad’s not going to ever give up all his chemical weapons.  Ever.  That said diplomat(s) actually believed he would, shows their naive idiocy.

Turkey shot down one jet today and strangely the universe hasn’t collapsed upon itself.  The war will go on.  But that jet won’t be dropping five-hundred pound bombs on a school tomorrow.  Time to let some fighter pilots get their beaks wet from whatever honorable nations choose to let fly.  The war will go on, but we’ll save tens-of-thousands of lives.  In this dark world, for the moment, we can put that in the win column.  Evil’s been on a hell of a streak lately.  Time to punch back.

AIR_F-16_Turkish_Armed_Top_lg

First round goes to the man with the gun kill on a barrel bomb helicopter.

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Film in the Middle East – Banning Noah

Many people focused today on pivotal issues such as a missing airplane, invasion plans, and whether $12 million on one man is enough to buy your way out of Super Bowl shame.  I on the other hand spent my day figuring out the greatest mystery since King Tutankhamun’s tomb:

Why are several Gulf states banning the masterpiece hit film Noah?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-26568107

To get to the bottom of this crisis I commuted today to Doha via an Arcturan Teledar sortie.  There I spoke with Professor Ali Hassan bin Angry of the Doha Institute for Offended Studies.

The Arcturus Project:  Professor Hassan, thanks so much for agreeing to speak with us.

Professor Hassan:  My pleasure, Sir.

TAP:  Why so quick to ban a film you haven’t even seen?

PH:  Well, it’s not necessarily the content of the film, but as we understand it Nūh is depicted directly in the film…

TAP:  Yes, I saw Russell Crowe’s dreamy face in the previews.

PH:  Exactly, and in Islam we consider it blasphemy to show the face of a prophet, any prophet.

TAP:  And so the ban.

PH:  Yes, of course.

TAP:  Why did you not just ask Paramount to blur Crowe’s face throughout the film?  It might have actually improved the viewing experience.

PH:  Ah, I suppose we never considered it.  It’s just blasphemous.

TAP:  Do you hope all nations with Islamic populations will ban the flick?

PH:  Of course, it’s sacrilege and offensive to our values.

TAP:  You do realize they don’t actually intend to offend you, they just want to make a shit ton of cash.

PH:  Pardon?

TAP:  They’ve managed to offend nearly every religion on the planet by making this film.  I think even a Buddhist monk wants to vomit somewhere, but they don’t want to offend people because if they offend somebody they can’t take their cash.

PH:  But they had to have seen this coming?

TAP:  I think they just figured they’d take the risk.  They have to cash in on the name.

PH:  I don’t understand?

TAP:  Everybody on the planet knows Noah’s name.  So if they make a movie about him, people will in theory hand over cash because of name recognition.  This movie isn’t about religion, it’s about a guy named Noah.  They don’t care about his story.  They just want you in the door because you know his name.  After that, they could have Noah solving bank robberies for all Paramount cares.

PH:  Well, then certainly we’ve made the right choice by banning such a disgusting cash grab!

TAP:  No see, you’re wrong, by banning the movie you’ve undoubtedly ensured millions in the Islamic world will see this via an online hack site or something.  Since you’ve banned it, now they’ll have to see it.

PH:  There’s no way that’s true.

TAP:  It happens all the time.  You think anybody actually wanted to watch Passion of the Christ?  It’s just several hours of a decent guy getting the shit kicked out of him.  But then a bunch of you guys banned it and it got more press.

PH:  That was never our intention though.

TAP:  You need to learn from your mistakes, there’s going to be more films like this.

PH:  More?!  They must have mercy upon us.

TAP:  They won’t, any concept that has anything with a recognizable name is going to get packaged into a shitty film and shoved down your throat.  Religious characters, historical dude, the freaking zoo, anything.  They’ll shove out one with a Rubik’s Cube next year for sure.

PH:  You mean that colored square?

TAP:  Exactly.

PH:  Why would they do such an evil thing?  Why so quickly?

TAP:  They have to get the movie out there before they lose the name recognition.  In ten years nobody will know what a Rubik’s Cube is anymore because it’s not a smartphone application.

PH:  You’ve opened my eyes to a great evil but I find your assertion that the Rubik’s Cube movie is coming as dubious.

TAP:  How do you figure?

PH:  This is insane, what would the Cube do?

TAP:  I don’t know, fight Satan.

PH:  How is a Rubik’s Cube going to fight Satan?

TAP:  With, ah, with its mind.

PH:  …

TAP:  So like the cube will stump Satan because he can’t do math, and then he’ll surrender, and the Cube will walk away with the girl.

PH:  The Dark One’s enslaved the human race with hate and darkness for over five thousand years.  I’m pretty sure he can do complex math!

TAP:  Hey listen buddy, whose interview is this anyways?

PH:  Yes, yes, yours, publish your article!  Let your insanity widely disperse.  I stand by the ban.

TAP:  Article, yeah, so…

PH:  You represent the San Francisco Chronicle!  I agreed to this interview as such!

TAP:  Yeah, they’ve uh, they’ve got me on retainer.  I love Frisco.

PH:   …

TAP:  …

PH:  Do you have a card!?

TAP:  I have an Arcturan enforcer waiting for me outside in the parking lot.  He can’t go home until I do.

PH:  Can he fly me too? 

TAP:  Why?

PH:  I believe I have found an equitable solution to both our problems. 

TAP:  I’m listening.

In a shocking event the home of respected filmmaker Darren Aronofsky was found incinerated this morning.  His fate is unknown as police believe it will take weeks to search for his remains, should they exist inside.  Religious groups worldwide are acclaiming this as “God’s justice” for the “blasphemy” evident in his latest film Noah.  Studios worldwide are said to be considering a rethink of their plans for dozens of films “inspired by actual religions events”.

Now to our next story.  Police are hot on the case of a complaint from a local pirate themed bar of the “loud and disgusting” behavior of a trio of patrons (one dressed in an alien costume) who drank heavily, shouted at staff and other patrons, sang obnoxiously of their ‘victory’, punched a teenage waitress in the face, and rode the pirate mannequin out the door when threated with a police call.  The authorities are said to be investigating. 

NOAH

You know his name.  For the purposes of this film, his story is irrelevant.  Please relinquish your cash in an orderly manner.

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Israel’s not going to make it

Today the Israeli parliament passed a law that removes the military service exception for Ultra-Orthodox citizens.  The bill went forward with a near unanimous vote.  That is, the entire opposition boycotted the vote.  Half the legislative body of the country does not understand the danger they are in.  The drama that accompanied this issue brings to mind a thought I’ve had for quite a while.  Israel’s not going to make it.

1) Israel has already lost the information war

Israel has learned the hard way that it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, just don’t let your situation become a “cause”.  Just ask anybody who is against homosexuals, for cigarettes or large sodas, for cancer, against immigration, loves obesity, for guns, or against whales.  Once you have received the mark of evil from the media and establishment elite, there is nothing you can do to escape.  You are a target for destruction and nobody cares how valid your cause is.

In this, Israel has their own arrogance to thank alongside a Palestinian leadership who has played the information game with mastery for almost two decades.  The result is Israel is the only country on Earth that is treated with hatred when it returns fire against people who lob rockets at school bus stops.

The people of the world are not going to lift a finger to help Israel should it find itself in a true existential crisis.  You might think that eventually America would find a way, even if it did so alone.  Think again.  Public opinion has changed in America as well, mostly in the last five years.  Want to know what the world will do if Israel was truly in danger of elimination?  Take a look at Crimea.  The response on Israel’s behalf will be equally as effective.

2) The world’s Jews don’t care about Israel

For whatever reason, most of the rest of the world’s Jews do not care.  Public opinion among Jews has also moved partially against Israel and its actions.  I’m not going to really argue the details of why.  That takes a book.  To be honest, I don’t really get it, but I suspect it’s because Jews are not the supranational block people think they are.

Jews can disagree and fold into disparate groups just like anybody else.  A Jew in America is an American first and can join the anti-Israel cause alongside their neighbor.  They separate themselves from Israel because they have no connection with the country other than their religion.  For most Jews, like the rest of the growing secular world, the influence of religion is steadily declining.  In the old days Israel could count upon the world’s Jews for money, bodies, or influence.  Those days are over.

3) Peace will never occur

Peace between the Palestinians and Israel is never going to happen.  Ever.  The sides are just too far apart in their demands.  The hatred is too deep.  There are too many people who will sabotage the process.  If you are a Zionist or a member of the governing Israeli coalition, you probably find this appealing.  If so, you’re an idiot.

Israel is not in a position to survive a future based upon the status quo.  In order to retain the current circumstances Israel would need to import more Jewish immigrants, have more babies, or strike oil under the Tel Aviv beaches to buy everybody off.  In this sense, the influx of Jewish immigrants from the old Soviet Union may have bought Israel an extra decade of ignoring the reality of demographics.

There are simply going to be more Arab babies, both inside and outside Israel, than Jewish babies.  Why is this a problem?  Over time it’s going to be readily apparent that Israel can be a Jewish apartheid state or a multi-cultural democracy.  They can’t have both because there won’t be enough Jews to vote a Jewish majority in a functioning democracy.  The alternative is to deny Arabs the vote and thus further incur the wrath of folks who have taken up the anti-Israel cause.

Israel is already on the world’s hit list.  It just cannot sustain the further degradation that comes with attempting to maintain a Jewish majority where there is none.  Is peace the answer?  Maybe not, but it’s the only option short of having more kids.

Israel has to cut some kind of deal with the Palestinians that guarantees its Jewish future while everybody else can’t look at birth rates and conduct basic math.  Otherwise, once the apartheid line is crossed, it’s only a matter of time.  Just ask your militant Afrikaner neighbor.  Nobody can survive forever once the entire international community collectively has your demolition in mind.

4) In the end, the country will slay itself

Since almost the beginning of Israel’s founding the Ultra-Orthodox military exception has existed.  At the time they were a very small minority.  Depending on how you count them, they now make up between one-in-ten to a full quarter of Israel’s population.  Their “men” do not work.  They rely upon religion, the state, and their wives to feed them.  In a country surrounded by enemies, they will not carry a weapon or lift a finger to help the state.  They feel this way not because they are selfish; even worse, they see it as their right.

I cannot think of a more glaring illustration of a country intent on destroying itself.  That they now have to serve in the military does not mean they will serve in combat units or even an effective support unit.  In fact, the Israeli army tends to treat them with disgust due their lack of motivation and low performance standards.  Yet the Ultra-Orthodox have the highest Jewish birth rate in the country by an exponential factor.  In the end, they’ll get whatever country they vote for themselves.

Israel has survived this long by maintaining a patriotic, dedicated population ready to sacrifice their lives and future to maintain the survival of the state.  In a country where a significant minority, and half the legislature, is willing to allow what one day might be the largest group inside the country to ignore service, it’s over folks.  It’s just over before it begins.

They all think it’s going to last forever.  That’s a common trait in human history.  A society, culture, or country typically does not acknowledge the danger until it’s too late.  Maybe you can’t blame them given the victorious history these last sixty years.  But they don’t live in Paris.  They live in arguably the most dangerous ground in human history.  If you can’t pick up a gun to defend your rights, you’re going to get killed, change religion, or run away.  I recommend the Ultra-Orthodox think hard on this, because if I’m right, within say fifty years, they’ll have to pick one of these options.

ultras

More dangerous to their country’s future than an Iranian nuke