Many people focused today on pivotal issues such as a missing airplane, invasion plans, and whether $12 million on one man is enough to buy your way out of Super Bowl shame. I on the other hand spent my day figuring out the greatest mystery since King Tutankhamun’s tomb:
Why are several Gulf states banning the masterpiece hit film Noah?
To get to the bottom of this crisis I commuted today to Doha via an Arcturan Teledar sortie. There I spoke with Professor Ali Hassan bin Angry of the Doha Institute for Offended Studies.
The Arcturus Project: Professor Hassan, thanks so much for agreeing to speak with us.
Professor Hassan: My pleasure, Sir.
TAP: Why so quick to ban a film you haven’t even seen?
PH: Well, it’s not necessarily the content of the film, but as we understand it Nūh is depicted directly in the film…
TAP: Yes, I saw Russell Crowe’s dreamy face in the previews.
PH: Exactly, and in Islam we consider it blasphemy to show the face of a prophet, any prophet.
TAP: And so the ban.
PH: Yes, of course.
TAP: Why did you not just ask Paramount to blur Crowe’s face throughout the film? It might have actually improved the viewing experience.
PH: Ah, I suppose we never considered it. It’s just blasphemous.
TAP: Do you hope all nations with Islamic populations will ban the flick?
PH: Of course, it’s sacrilege and offensive to our values.
TAP: You do realize they don’t actually intend to offend you, they just want to make a shit ton of cash.
TAP: They’ve managed to offend nearly every religion on the planet by making this film. I think even a Buddhist monk wants to vomit somewhere, but they don’t want to offend people because if they offend somebody they can’t take their cash.
PH: But they had to have seen this coming?
TAP: I think they just figured they’d take the risk. They have to cash in on the name.
PH: I don’t understand?
TAP: Everybody on the planet knows Noah’s name. So if they make a movie about him, people will in theory hand over cash because of name recognition. This movie isn’t about religion, it’s about a guy named Noah. They don’t care about his story. They just want you in the door because you know his name. After that, they could have Noah solving bank robberies for all Paramount cares.
PH: Well, then certainly we’ve made the right choice by banning such a disgusting cash grab!
TAP: No see, you’re wrong, by banning the movie you’ve undoubtedly ensured millions in the Islamic world will see this via an online hack site or something. Since you’ve banned it, now they’ll have to see it.
PH: There’s no way that’s true.
TAP: It happens all the time. You think anybody actually wanted to watch Passion of the Christ? It’s just several hours of a decent guy getting the shit kicked out of him. But then a bunch of you guys banned it and it got more press.
PH: That was never our intention though.
TAP: You need to learn from your mistakes, there’s going to be more films like this.
PH: More?! They must have mercy upon us.
TAP: They won’t, any concept that has anything with a recognizable name is going to get packaged into a shitty film and shoved down your throat. Religious characters, historical dude, the freaking zoo, anything. They’ll shove out one with a Rubik’s Cube next year for sure.
PH: You mean that colored square?
PH: Why would they do such an evil thing? Why so quickly?
TAP: They have to get the movie out there before they lose the name recognition. In ten years nobody will know what a Rubik’s Cube is anymore because it’s not a smartphone application.
PH: You’ve opened my eyes to a great evil but I find your assertion that the Rubik’s Cube movie is coming as dubious.
TAP: How do you figure?
PH: This is insane, what would the Cube do?
TAP: I don’t know, fight Satan.
PH: How is a Rubik’s Cube going to fight Satan?
TAP: With, ah, with its mind.
TAP: So like the cube will stump Satan because he can’t do math, and then he’ll surrender, and the Cube will walk away with the girl.
PH: The Dark One’s enslaved the human race with hate and darkness for over five thousand years. I’m pretty sure he can do complex math!
TAP: Hey listen buddy, whose interview is this anyways?
PH: Yes, yes, yours, publish your article! Let your insanity widely disperse. I stand by the ban.
TAP: Article, yeah, so…
PH: You represent the San Francisco Chronicle! I agreed to this interview as such!
TAP: Yeah, they’ve uh, they’ve got me on retainer. I love Frisco.
PH: Do you have a card!?
TAP: I have an Arcturan enforcer waiting for me outside in the parking lot. He can’t go home until I do.
PH: Can he fly me too?
PH: I believe I have found an equitable solution to both our problems.
TAP: I’m listening.
In a shocking event the home of respected filmmaker Darren Aronofsky was found incinerated this morning. His fate is unknown as police believe it will take weeks to search for his remains, should they exist inside. Religious groups worldwide are acclaiming this as “God’s justice” for the “blasphemy” evident in his latest film Noah. Studios worldwide are said to be considering a rethink of their plans for dozens of films “inspired by actual religions events”.
Now to our next story. Police are hot on the case of a complaint from a local pirate themed bar of the “loud and disgusting” behavior of a trio of patrons (one dressed in an alien costume) who drank heavily, shouted at staff and other patrons, sang obnoxiously of their ‘victory’, punched a teenage waitress in the face, and rode the pirate mannequin out the door when threated with a police call. The authorities are said to be investigating.
You know his name. For the purposes of this film, his story is irrelevant. Please relinquish your cash in an orderly manner.