Every day (not every day) we get together in our hovel and produce the finest and most professional news product this side of the Crab Nebula. As always there are two smart things you should do with this breathtaking creation:
a) Don’t read it; never visit this blog again
b) Read it; enjoy yourself
Esh-Ala’s challenge to you this Easter is to accomplish both (a) and (b) simultaneously. If you do, he’ll provide you with a congratulatory death ray demonstration on the bitter, ancestral foe of your choice.
1) Israeli Security Forces Channel Inner Asshole
The Arcturus Project News
In the latest successful act in a comprehensive quest to alienate the entire human race, Israeli police are under fire for preventing various Christian groups from accessing the holy sites for Easter. The latest “rat-faced terrorist” barred was in fact United Nations Middle East peace enjoy Robert Serry. Mr Serry was unable to participate in a Jerusalem ritual as Israeli security forces were attempting to conduct a rectal scan on him to find the source of his hatred for the “Jewish State”. Similar criticism erupted when a band of Christian Palestinians were also denied access.
Israeli authorities fervently dismissed the bizarre notion that any individual or groups were refused entry on religious grounds. Said an Israeli foreign ministry spokesman, “Anybody turned away was for purely safety reasons. We were truly worried about stampedes and other considerations. Mr Serry is a bigot for asking us to properly plan and execute a crowd control movement that happens on a scheduled date every single year. We question his overall intelligence. In fact, he should thank us for saving his life.”
Yet experts question the overall impact of such actions on the international community’s view of Israel itself. “I don’t quite understand why there is this deliberate attempt by the Israeli’s to anger just about everybody they can on a constant basis. It’s baffling,” commented one European Union official, “every day I wake up and expect to see a story on an Israeli agent kicking the shit out of a lame, sick cat on live television. If the Palestinians denied Jewish access like this on a holy day, they’d cluster bomb the checkpoint.”
Israeli police have promised an attempt to improve the crowd control situation next year by implementing a more refined, “iron fist” security plan. Efforts are in the works to string barbed wire and a concrete blast wall around the Church of the Holy Sculpture in time for the 2015 Easter celebration. Reached at his castle in Hawaii, and told of the proposed plans, Jesus commented to a TAP journalist, “Bro, seriously? I mean, really?”
2) Japan Garrisons Island with Sacrificial Human Meat
The Arcturus Project News
In the latest escalation of the growing tit-for-tat exchange over the disputed Sankaku/Diaoyu Islands, Japan plans to construct a radar station close to the north of the chain. The installation and its 150 support personnel will establish on Yonaguni Island located just 90 miles from the Senkakus.
Japanese Defense Minister Itsunori Onodera cautioned that given the circumstances, Japan should be expected to increase its military presence within the region, if not the Senkaku’s themselves. “We have a duty to protect sovereign Japanese territory. These brave men will provide the necessary speed bump we require to mobilize after the first wave of missile fire obliterates this new base in the first twenty minutes of any larger struggle.” Japanese military troops, the first on the island, were supportive of this patriotic action. “Wait, hold on,” said one junior sergeant, “What the hell did he just say about twenty minutes?”
The move comes in response to continuing aggressive actions by Beijing in its near territorial waters. The most recent changes include the establishment of an Air Defense Zone in the East China Sea and clashes with the Philippines in the South China Sea over the resupply of a Philippine garrison. Beijing officials lightly brushed off the minor Japanese action with the typical professional statements offered by a responsible and established world power. “What,” said one Beijing foreign ministry spokesman, “those fucking cowards! We’ll target that radar with six nuclear warheads within the week. And then we’ll find out where their families are and nuke them too. Fuck them. Fuck you all!”
3) Brazilians Protest Aspirational Police Brutality
The Arcturus Project News
In response to recent Brazilian protests against the deaths of two civilians caught in police and drug dealer crossfire, The Arcturus Project sat down with Brazilian Police Captain Arturo “The Bullet” Pamiro.
The Arcturus Project: Captain Pamiro thanks for agreeing to speak with us via Arcturan remote tactical mind link.
Captain Pamiro: My pleasure, happy to talk with you.
TAP: So it’s been a rough week in Rio?
CP: Yes, we had a sharp exchange of gunfire between our men and drug enforcers. Unfortunately, two civilians were caught in the middle and killed.
TAP: These clashes are increasing the more you and the police move in and secure the favelas?
CP: Of course, the more we slide into drug territory the harder they push back.
TAP: How do you respond to the accusations that these incursions are only a preparatory action for the World Cup and the Olympics, that maybe you’re too aggressive?
CP: We can never get too aggressive. But as to the World Cup concerns, well sure, what else would we be here?
TAP: To police the city?
CP: What? You’ve got to be shitting me. The police simply don’t have the manpower or resources to control the whole city. I can’t work miracles. Our orders are to infiltrate the favelas closest to World Cup transport links and sports venues. The rest of the favelas can just rot for all we care.
CP: Plus we try and limit how many drug dealers we engage in certain circumstances because so many members of the force and our political masters are on the take. We can’t take too much of the pie of out play. We’re not stupid.
TAP: … So, ah, wow. Hey, hold on for a second.
TAP: (unintelligible mutterings)
TAP: So, so, do the police intend to remain in these recently conquered favelas after the World Cup and the Olympics are over?
CP: Ah, maybe, we haven’t received definitive guidance yet. Maybe we’ll stay afterwards, but if we don’t we’ll just leave and return these areas to the shitholes who ran them before.
TAP: The dealers?
CP: Yeah, fuck them.
TAP: So if a significant portion of your force and local politicians have your hands in drug money, why didn’t you all just cut an agreement with the dealers that didn’t involve a full blown military style operation with armored vehicles and lots of gunfire?
CP: Are you shitting me? Do you know who those fuckers are?
TAP: The guy’s you do business with?
CP: Right, but I don’t trust them to even look at my car without disaster occurring. We know these guys, we simply could not trust them to execute a non-interference policy for such a high profile international events.
TAP: I see.
CP: Plus, every once and a while we have to conduct police work. We need to roll in and break shit, show folks the cops are on the job.
TAP: That doesn’t really sound like real police work to me.
CP: I don’t understand. Are you saying we aren’t cops? Everybody does this shit. Just look at America now, if you traffic in illegal flowers the cops will roll in with enforcers, shoot your dog, and bash your head in. Get off my fucking back!
TAP: Right, I know. (unintelligible muttering) Right, they think they’re all Nascimento.
CP: What’s that?
TAP: Uh, nothing.
CP: No, no, I think I heard you right. Of course, Elite Squad is a barracks favorite.
TAP: Plastic bags and such?
CP: Of course, of course. Every force has to have its heroes. For us, that’s our aspiration. We’ll control the show just like Nascimento did.
TAP: So you know there was a sequel right? The Enemy Within had kind of a different flavor that I think you’re missing.
CP: What do you mean?
TAP: So if I remember right, Nascimento kind of took a different view in the second film after, you know, they shot his best friend in the back and then put one into his son?
CP: No, I mean, what are you talking about? There isn’t a sequel to Elite Squad, there’s only one movie.
TAP: No, really, I mean it’s right there…
CP: Now hold on, I’ve seen Elite Squad like fifty times, there’s no sequel I ever heard of or seen. Nascimento ends that movie by handing Matias a shotgun, and around and around we go…
TAP: No dude, really, listen, so…
CP: No you listen buddy, don’t you tell me what movies do or do not exist in my own fucking country okay.
TAP: The Enemy Within ends (pounds fist) with Nascimento narrating as they overfly fucking Brasilia and he’s totally pissed off!
CP: (unintelligible profanity) Fuck you pig, where do you live! (unintelligible profanity) (phone line terminated)
TAP: For fuck’s sake (throws chair) next time we need to do an interview about happy elves or a barbeque or something. Talking heavy shit with these assholes is really ruining my buss. (unintelligible muttering) No, no dude, I don’t care that you guys find this so amusing. (unintelligible muttering) Yeah, and I don’t care that you guys think that guy is cool either. What the hell is wrong with you? (unintelligible muttering) Oh, yeah, right. Sorry.
“Copy, understood, but I still think you’re missing the point. Don’t you know what I am? Don’t make me drive down there and tell it to your face you dumb fuck.”