Monthly Archives: March 2015

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I know where Vlad was!

I don’t know where Vlad was. Nobody does. Even Vlad doesn’t know. For all he knows, he might have accidentally stepped into a lunar-time-warp while blitzed on looted Ukrainian potato vodka. Hey kids, don’t judge, the sweet elixir is just too tasty to pass up when you’re effectively washing it down with the tears of an entire nation.

– He spent a week reliving his good ole Dresden days by strangling four dudes and a squirrel in Bucharest; squirrel’s family now vows ancient-blood-oath revenge

– Dude went away for the weekend with his girl and simply lost track of time; wouldn’t you? seriously, search Alina Kabayeva

– The army tried to mount a coup but upon breaking down the Kremlin door, they discovered Vlad holding an active candlelit roundtable with Satan, Hitler’s ghost, George Clooney, and Jamie Dimon; at which point they meekly retreated from the room

– He spent a week coked out of his mind; fucking off; because what’s the world going to do while he’s gone? after all, he’s driving the runaway train

– Recovery from crane flying midair collision; you should see the crane; seriously, search Putin crane

– Zombie attack! zombies! Vlad! help! [Vlad bursts from dark woods wearing three-piece tuxedo; dual wielding a pair of double-barreled shotguns]

– Dude disappeared for a week on purpose; just to fuck with everybody; because he can; and then to see everybody’s reactions; and alter his diabolical plans accordingly

vladimir_next

“I’m the hardest working man you know.”

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vicious drivers are getting worse

I blame smartphones. And nature. And our four-second-feedback culture. Oh, and squirrels too. Bastards.

So yesterday I drove three hours for a job interview(s). And then drove back immediately. Eleven hours total. My breakfast and lunch was a new tank of gas, a granola bar, and small bag of peanuts. So I’m a lunatic [sticks hand in air] but mine doggies appreciated the relative briefness: “Oh Dad [tail(s) on auto-vibrate] we haven’t seen you in ten hours!”

Whence driving back, I got viciously passed in the highway fast lane by a Volvo (I drive a clown car). If I had not emergency braked, I’d have hit his back left bumper big time. Probably death for both of us at those speeds. I suspect he did not know I braked because I think he thought he was the overall man of the moment.

For you see, whence he passed my clown car driving his hot red Volvo, he slowed down a few feet in front of my bumper and pointed toward the right shoulder of the highway. As if to indicate one of the following non-verbal statements:

1) Get out of the fast lane where you do not belong, clown car

2) Look at how awesome my shit-hot red Volvo is, pull over to admire its redness

3) Your car looks like it’s ready to break down, please pull over to inspect it for safety purposes, signed, your fellow-concerned-human

My bet is his belligerent hand signal meant all three. On the other hand, I was driving 80 in a 60 zone at the time. So when you think about it, he was driving north of 90. Which makes him even more of a lunatic than me. Which is like trying to solve differential calculus on an abacus.

Then this morning whilst commuting to my Cubicle of Doom, the car behind me got the high-beam-flashy treatment when the car behind him got angry with his speed-of-advance. This was on a road that was essentially bumper-to-bumper. Uh…

So what’s behind all this ridiculously-impatient-reckless driving?

I blame smartphones. And nature. And our four-second-feedback culture. Oh, and squirrels too. Bastards.

When you can call up an app that tells you the meaning of life in eight seconds? Well, I guess you get a little impatient when you have to wait six seconds in your car. That is, until such reckless driving results in your untimely, early death.

On the other hand, I was the moron driving 80 in a 60 zone to get home to my dogs. So I think I’m part of the problem. Damn.

burning car

my future awaits

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lack of ability to dual wield leads to vicious cherry tree club beating

I’m going to try and not get too into this.  As I’ve previously written, both Clinton(s) and Bush(es) need to go away.  For the sake of democracy.  But I just can’t let this one go.

First off, why did this presser occur at the UN, like, the United Nations.  Really?  Why is she giving a presidential campaign political speech from the UN?  Is the UN going to endorse her campaign?  Did she have a meeting with the ambassador from Brunei she couldn’t reschedule?  It’s just so very weird.

Second, so she bought her own creepy private server to conduct official government business because she didn’t want to carry two phones.  Really?  I want you to try that excuse the next time you get caught breaking federal law and see how long it takes the federal government to throw your ass in jail.

In very few cases is the disparity between modern America’s ruled and rulers so very clearly on display.  She doesn’t even care.  It’s like she daring anybody to call her out on it.  What are you going to do, go after her?  Sue her?  She has the finest lawyers money can buy.  And you don’t.  Me neither.  So I guess we’re screwed.

What’s next?  Is Bush(es) going to show he can actually carry two phones?  And then Clinton(s) will have to go on stage holding three phones?  Then Bush(es) goes out there with a belt full of phone holsters.  Then during the debate the both of them are wearing jackets made entirely of cell phones.  And then the ghost of George Washington comes rushing out from backstage and starts beating them both with an immaculate cherry tree club.  And the audience cheers.

"Hillary Rodham Clinton"

if I can dual wield a shot glass and beer can; she can carry two phones; otherwise she’s unqualified to lead

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miserable people with nothing better to do continue assault on human joy

When I was a kid, I so looked forward to the circus that I crossed off the days on a calendar.  The only other time in my life I can remember doing this was marking the days until my first job ended (even all these years later that boss remains the worst I’ve ever had).  So it’s safe to say I enjoyed the circus.

Well, that was fun.  No more.  Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus has caved to PETA and other do-gooders and is taking away the elephants.  So kids will no longer experience that joy.

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-31740032

By the way, PETA runs some of the most prolific animal kill shelters on the planet.  So I’m rather at a loss to understand why it’s humane for PETA to kill dogs and cats, but Ringling Brothers using elephants is beyond the pale.  I guess, like most do-gooders, the rules that PETA applies to others, do not apply to them.

I’m also pretty sure a circus elephant probably lives like four times as long while performing as they do in the wild.  So is it correct to state that PETA wants elephants to die younger?  I think it is!  Thanks PETA, when Dumbo’s bleaching in the sun I hope he curses you to the elephant god (Ganesha) before the poor animal departs for Valhalla to begin a second life as an armored mounted war elephant.

This is of course, just the beginning.  You don’t think folks like PETA are just going to stop, do you?  There’s another kid somewhere in America that’s happy, that has to stop.  Happiness is a bad thing for PETA, it takes away their raison d’etre.

I’m calling it right now.  By 2090, all zoos will be illegal.  But by 2089, human joy will have extinguished.  So it won’t matter.

peta

Soon, PETA promises to make all human existence just as miserable as their pathetic wasted lives

 

 

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my phone is my brother’s keeper

It’s good to know that if nothing else, your personal technology cares for you. Militant zombie assassins might desire your brain(s), but your phone will still be there for you. It’s so pleasant, you cannot possibly object. Can you?

So last night while attempting to max increase the music widget volume on my Samsung phone, I was kindly confronted with the following warning message before I could proceed:

“Listening at a high volume for a long time may damage your hearing. The volume will be increased above safe levels.”

Gee, thanks Samsung! It’s good to know you care. Without your wise guidance, I might have damaged my hearing.

But then I just maxed out the volume anyways. Hmm, in the future will the phone shock you if you disobey its kind, gentle warning?

Please don’t get me wrong, this is not an anti-Samsung rant. Apple is the most overrated corporation since the East India Company.

This rant is about lawyers and their stupidity. And the do-gooders who back them, truly believing it’s their duty and right to control human behavior.

Maxing out the volume on my music is precisely the point. When I’m cooking after a hard day at work, drinking beer, I want to feel the music in my spine. And if I damage my ears or spine in the process? Oh well, it’s my call. It’s my decision.

I’m reminded once from university, a snarky guest lecturer lawyer who told us to thank a lawyer when we saw a warning label on a knife that said, “Do not insert in child”.

Oh man, my brain, it hurts! Help me zombies. Help!

 

Dried Pasta:

“Note: Boil pasta in water prior to consuming.”

 

Blanket:

“Warning: Do not set alight.”

 

Car:

“Driving this motor vehicle my result in fatal and/or horrific debilitating injury involving the insertion of metal and/or glass shards into your corporeal form.”

 

Shower:

“Showering at a high temperature for a long time may damage your skin. The high temperature will be increased above safe levels.”

 

Banana:

“Caution: Do not use to perform surgery.”

 

Shoes:

“Note: Do not step on a prone human.”

 

Bathing Suit:

“Use of this item in an ocean environment may result in belligerent stingray or squid attack. Wearer is advised to don item only in the bathtub.”

 

Beer:

“Use of this product can make you happy. Purchaser is advised to not consume beverage in any quantity whatsoever.”

 

Outdoor Sporting Events:

“Use of this outdoor athletic facility requires athlete and spectator knowledge of lighting strike risk. Athletes are required to not use facility and adopt an indoor only sports posture such as video games.”

 

The Zoo:

“Warning: Risk of vicious, widespread, organized, unbridled mass animal breakout is greater than that of Moon striking Earth’s surface. Accordingly, The Zoo is closed forever. Please take your disappointed, crying children elsewhere. We don’t give a fuck.”

 

Samsung Smartphone Music Widget:

“Use of this product may inhibit your will to live via the warm, comfortable, and steady degeneration of your common sense and the human spirit via perpetual prompting from machines, lawyers, and do-gooders. Please cooperate. We appreciate said cooperation.”

 

samsung

Please obey. You don’t want any trouble? Do you?

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Vlad didn’t do this. Or did he? Yes. No. Uh…

Let’s get something straight.  If Russia functions correctly, nobody shoots the senior opposition leader four times in the back just steps from the Kremlin without Vlad’s go ahead.  So it seems easy to say that Vlad did this.

On the other hand, how reckless and stupid of a dictator must you be to order the senior opposition leader shot four times in the back just steps from the Kremlin?  So like, Vlad’s rather reckless and stupid, it’s his thing, so he probably did it.

But Vlad’s also a genius, and so he probably isn’t this stupid.  And so maybe Boris Nemtsov got himself into some unrelated trouble or, uh, [furrows brow].

And thus we see clearly one of the greatest weapons Vlad wields.  Nobody really knows what the fuck is going on.  Did he order a blatant, vicious murder in the open streets six steps from his own bedside or didn’t he?  Who the fuck knows?

This Churchill guy, he was rather smart, and so his multi-dog struggle under a carpet quote is quite correct.  You never really know what’s going on in Russia.

Except, unfortunately I think I know what’s going to happen, even if I don’t know what’s going on.  I rather think this doesn’t change anything.  Even if 100K people are marching in Moscow today, I think Vlad’s approval rating is still north of 70%.  So at least Russia’s got that going for it.

moscow

take a very close look at this picture, and all the construction cranes building new things; as long as that keeps happening, most Russians will probably let him get away with murder