Is it possible to simultaneously hate the entire human race? I have no idea, but I’m sure as hell going to try. Why? Because why not? Everybody else is doing it! It seems to be the in-thing lately? Kind of like if you think Bieber is your man (little girl), it makes you cool. So since everybody else apparently despises humanity, my Arcturan guests & I are going to do the same. Except that for them it’s not a big deal. They abhor everybody. Even all Arcturans. Reckless detestation is kind of their thing.

So on my way into The Hovel of Doom (work cubicle) this morning I got treated to three or four radio shows with people shouting. What were they screaming about? Donald Sterling. Well who the hell is that guy? I guess he owns the Los Angeles Clippers. I heard they’re a basketball team. They play in the NBA. For their fans. In the playoffs. I guess?

So there’s nothing going on today. Ukraine’s quiet, Syria is at peace, Americans have good, well-paying jobs, and so on. But yeah, all’s calm, let’s worry about this NBA owner who’s a racist. I guess?

So I listened to the Sterling tape. You know I have no idea why anybody makes a fuss out of this, or even cares, except to promote an already active agenda. If nothing else, the guy comes off sounding like a comically stupid, racist old guy. Why is this important? Why should anybody care?

I mean, I had my own awful incident, one where my darkest fears were exposed on the front pages. It’s when Neh-Erar released one of our phone calls. He was mad at me for taking away his death ray for three days.

He used it in a drunken boast to threaten one of my dogs. So he got his sidearm put in timeout. But then he wanted me to stop favoring the entire human race as punishment. He said if I didn’t, he’d instruct me on “cellular deconstruction” before Tuesday. But then all he actually did was release the call transcript on the internet. To embarrass me. I guess?

[begin tape]

Me: Dude, if it makes you happy, I will remove all of the humans from my Instagram.

Neh-Erar: You said that before, you said, “I understand.”

Me: I DID remove the people that were independently on my Instagram that are human.

Neh-Erar: Then why did you start saying that you didn’t? You just said that you didn’t remove them. You didn’t remove every—

Me: I didn’t remove Barack Obama and George Bush, but I thought—

Neh-Erar: Why?

Me: I thought Obama & Bush are human too, and they were OK, just like me.

Neh-Erar: OK.

Me: They’re bigger and harder working than me.

Neh-Erar: OK.

Me: I met their friends, they’re nice.

Neh-Erar: You think I’m a racist, and wouldn’t—

Me: I don’t think you’re a racist.

Neh-Erar: Yes you do. Yes you do.

Me: I think you, you—

Neh-Erar: Evil heart. … It’s the world! You go to Earth, the humans are just treated like dogs.

Me: So do you have to treat them like that too?

Neh-Erar: The humans, there’s humans and humans, do you understand?

Me: And are the humans less than the humans?

Neh-Erar: A hundred percent, fifty, a hundred percent.

Me: And is that right?

Neh-Erar: It isn’t a question—we don’t evaluate what’s right and wrong, we live in a society. We live in a culture. We have to live within that culture.

Me: But shouldn’t we take a stand for what’s wrong? And be the change and the difference?

Neh-Erar: I don’t want to change the culture, because I can’t. It’s too big and too…

Me: But you can change yourself.

Neh-Erar: I don’t want to change. If my one human friend can’t do what I want, I don’t want that friend. I’ll find a human that will do what I want! Believe me. I thought you were that human—because I tried to do what you want. But you’re not that human.

…

Me: It’s like saying, “Let’s just persecute and kill all of the humans.”

Neh-Erar: Oh, it’s the same thing, right?

Me: Isn’t it wrong? Wasn’t it wrong then? With the Holocaust? And you’re Arcturan, you’ve committed many Holocausts, but you understand discrimination.

Neh-Erar: You’re a mental case, you’re really a mental case. The Holocaust, we’re comparing with—

Me: Racism! Discrimination.

Neh-Erar: There’s no racism here. If you don’t want to be… walking… into the game of life with a certain… human, is that racism?

[end tape]

When I heard he’d released that tape, I cried like a little girl. In disgust at my behavior, Esh-Ala beat me with a phone book for four hours. But then, in a moment of true human mercy, he wacked Neh-Erar with a pipe for about an hour in revenge for releasing the tape. I guess they really do like me, a little? I guess?

So Sterling is apparently the worst thing since non-sliced bread. But when you stop and really, really analyze this issue? It melts your brain. So let’s take an excruciating voyage my friends![begin painful journey]

So Sterling hates blacks. Except that he’s hated blacks for decades, everybody’s known this, but he owns a team that’s three-quarters black, in a league that’s three-quarter’s black.

But wait, there’s more! All his players who’ve protested the comments that he said to his girlfriend in private have to have known he was a horrible racist before, right? I mean he’s said these things before, everybody’s known what he is? So why protest now when they knew this and still took his money last week?

But wait, there’s more! Since Sterling is both a Jew and an old guy, are the people who claim he’s worse than Hitler actually just spewing hate at him because they hate Jews and old people?  I mean these folks say we’re all racists, that all humans inherently hate all humans for some reason at the genetic level, right?  Maybe they’re just prejudiced against basketball team owners? Or maybe the fact that he’s a white, Jew, human, old guy, have nothing to do with anything? Or maybe when he uses the term black he just means human, because he’s a bizarre, angry old guy?

But wait, there’s more! Michael Jordan wants Sterling out of the NBA. But Jordan is known for his own inflammatory, reckless speech. Jordan once said this of his own teammates, “I hate being out there with those garbage men. They don’t get you the ball.” So I assume by “garbage men”, he meant his black teammates. What would happen if a white owner called his black players “garbage men”? I think Jordan would say he has no place in the NBA. So I’m not trying to say Jordan is a hypocrite, but I guess I’m trying to say that Jordan is a hypocrite.

But wait, there’s more! The NAACP has previously awarded Sterling its lifetime achievement award, and they were going to do so again. But now they’ve decided in light of these comments that they won’t give him his second NAACP award as scheduled? So why was it okay to give him the first award when he hated blacks, but now it’s not okay to give him the second award because he hates blacks? What? I mean, really?

But wait, there’s more! I mean, no, no, that’s it, I can’t take it anymore, I’m done. I need to sit down. Oh, man, wow, … (breathes heavily) … (spits) … Uh, holy, wow.

[end painful journey]

For just one moment, I want you to consider this. What if upon hearing Sterling’s comments, we all just shrugged and moved on? If you think this is a bad idea, that we must confront this idiocy, you’ve been had. Your life is short, and idiocy is everywhere, good luck with confronting it all. There’s a reason the media wants to talk about this. Why grown men who knew Sterling was a racist on Friday, and said nothing, are now literally screaming at the top of their lungs this morning. And friends, it’s got nothing to do with racism.

You want to slay racism? I say banish it to the desert. Don’t yell at them, don’t get all worked up, just ignore them.

If you ask me, Doc Rivers has the right idea. His quote here is so dripping with awesomeness that I want to hug him. Just bask in this, it’s what we all should say & do as a human race, together:

“I think the biggest statement we can make as men — not as black men, as men — is to stick together and show how strong we are as a group, not splinter, not walk. It’s easy to protest. The protest will be in our play.”

Amen Doc, amen.

The least dysfunctional couple the internet has to offer