Have you ever met a real famous celebrity? I sure hope so, because at least then you’d have been face-to-face with someone who’s trying to order you how to live.

A United Nations event that hosts world leaders is also apparently a time for a bunch of famous actors to get together and dictate to humanity. Because since they have so much money and fame, it gives them the right to tell those poorer and less famous than them (all of us) what’s right and wrong with our lives.

If any of you want to make the argument that the United Nations is a legitimate organization to be taken seriously, I invite you to now make that point. When the Secretary General is seated next a 24 year old girl whose only life qualification is that she’s a prominent actress.

So the media (not actual journalists) have deemed Emma Watson’s speech more awe-inspiring than anything ever uttered by, oh say Eleanor Roosevelt. Emma’s got it in her mind to rebrand feminism. Ah, I see, she wants to remind the other half of the human race that:

“… fighting for women’s rights has too often become synonymous with man-hating..”

Well Emma, what would ever give us that opinion? Perhaps when you say things like:

“If men don’t have to be aggressive, women won’t be compelled to be submissive. If men don’t need to control, women won’t have to be controlled.”

Hey Emma, I don’t know you, maybe you’re an awesome person and mean well. But you know what, we men who are not rapist-drunk-beating-assholes don’t enjoy being constantly called “aggressive” lunatics hell-bent on making women “submissive” via “control”. 

If you have a problem that feminism has become synonymous with “man-hating”, maybe you should start by proofreading your own speech.

Next up to the arrogant plate was none other than everybody’s favorite man-child Leo DiCaprio, aka the coolest, sexiest man since Achilles. Leo wants to make sure you’re called to action over climate change. 

You see, Leo’s very upset that you don’t care about the climate because your world economy’s been under recession for nearly a decade and you’re distracted by silly things like war. Wars the UN apparently can’t solve. I guess the UN’s too busy scheduling press conferences for celebrities?

As summarized by humanity’s second favorite man-child, Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon:

The UN secretary general Ban ki Moon said the actor’s global stardom was the perfect match for the global challenge posed by climate change.

Mr DiCaprio’s first duty in his new role will be to address the opening of the climate summit later this month in New York. 

Please to note the words “global stardom” was the descriptive qualification chosen as to why Leo should tell us what we can and cannot do.

Hey folks, did you hear! Leo’s selling his mansion(s) and all his fancy cars. He’s going to reduce his carbon footprint to the point that it’s commensurate with normal people (us). How honorable of him! We love you, Leo! You’ll lead us the promised land in a timeline/set-of-actions determined by you and only you. We’ll follow!

I mean, if he didn’t sell all his stuff, and instead just kept all his millions and his carbon footprint that’s forty-seven times larger than the average person, it’d make him a vicious-hypocrite. So you know he’ll do it, right?

If aliens wanted to understand why our planet’s on fire, this picture would be a good start