Category Archives: Love

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Arcturus News Muster – Swift seizes West Coast, proclaims New Republic of Love

Cupertino, California – 22 June 2015 – In a shocking joint statement Apple Music head Eddy Cue, speaking alongside California governor Jerry Brown, surrendered unconditionally to the forces of Taylor Swift after a violent, bloody twelve hour struggle.

Battle hardened Silicon Valley warriors solemnly listened as a tearful Cue summarized his decision to unilaterally end all hostilities, “… our forces had already experienced a lot of concern from indie artists whose rear echelon attacks had begun to drain our bottom line, but our recent defeat leads me to the conclusion that our cause is finished.”

Cue later tweeted, “We hear you @taylorswift13 and indie artists. We submit to your authority. Please, please just stop. Love, Apple.”

The unexpected termination of hostilities followed this weekend’s crushing defeat of the Valley’s Sixth Division outside Sacramento. Initial reports indicate the Sixth Division suffered upwards of 95% casualties encapsulated by an unverified Tumblr video appearing to show a blood stained Swift holding the severed head of Apple CFO Lieutenant General Luca Maestri.

Panicked evacuations from various Valley campuses were indicated by the numerous private jets, helicopters, and auto-gyros arriving at Aspen bearing panicked Valley leaders toting what meager worldly possessions they could gather as they fled, such as $20K Apple Watches, $15K pop-collared shirts, and a $4 VCR.

Rumors swirled throughout the West Coast that Swift’s forces were occupying government buildings and public spaces riding armored hybrid-electric vehicles blaring “Shake It Off” from loudspeakers.

Governor Brown’s concurrent statement seemed to confirm this capitulation as he’d apparently placed the California National Guard under Swift’s command. “I don’t know what else I can do, my state’s essentially bankrupt, we’re outta water, I don’t remember where I left my keys, but hell, she’s got enough money to fix all this. Right? I think?”

Yet Valley devotees expected Cue’s capitulation would not impact Apple CEO Tim Cook’s plan to run a government in exile until a point he could use Apple’s mammoth reserved funds to build the world’s fifth largest standing army and counterattack.

Said one Apple insider, Tim’s counting on the loyalty of his Foxconn employees to manufacture a bunch of awesome new iWeapons to turn the tide. He figures they’ve been loyal to Apple all these years, and so he can trust them to back his return.”

swift

“I say this with love, reverence, and admiration for everything else you have done: If you betray my rule, I’ll kill you all.”

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I want to self-identify as a ham sandwich

The topic of identity seems rather uncontroversial lately. This shouldn’t be a crazy issue to wade into. Nobody has strong feelings at all. But I guess to be clear, I truly desire to self-identify as a ham sandwich.

Think of the benefits! Well, no, I guess I can’t really think of any benefits, but at least I’d be cool. And free to choose to live my life as a ham sandwich because it’s my desire. I’m not actually a sandwich, but who cares. Seriously, who cares? It’s my call. My life.

Well, I guess a lot of people care. Caitlyn/Bruce/Human Jenner is apparently more popular than the Pope because he has enough money to dramatically alter his life in a way that doesn’t destroy it. If he was poor with traumatic gender confusion, he’d just be screwed. But he has money and so he’s good to go. Money!

So despite what his chromosomes say, he’s self-identified as a female. And despite what her genetic code says, Rachel Dolezal says she’s black. In other words, both of them have self-identified as something that they are clearly not.

And yet, seriously I’m so very confused here, one of them is a hero but the other is evil? I honestly don’t get it. Logically it doesn’t make one bit of sense to worship one and hate the other. But in our super-modern culture nothing makes sense. So why should this?

But generally speaking, I don’t actually have a problem with this. If Jenner wants to be Caitlyn, okay. If NAACP lady wants to be black, okay. If I want to be a ham sandwich, okay. It’s our lives. Get off our backs.

Where I guess I get concerned is where people get shovey about it. They get the idea that their freedom of choice is more important than the freedom of choice of others. And so Jenner will likely sue so she can use whatever bathroom or cake shop she wants. And NAACP lady will, or has already sued a whole bunch of people for things I haven’t bothered to read about. Lawyers!

You know, I’m awfully sick of all of this. Generally speaking, on really, really controversial issues I think I’m beginning to learn my preference is that as a society we should either be all in or all out. So let’s go all in.

What do I mean? Well, if you remember, the media Titan race and gender baiter in Oprah interviewed Raven-Symone who expressed her desire to be:

“…a human who loves humans.”

At which point she was demolished by Oprah and by idiots for not self-identifying as black, or gay, or female, or a ham sandwich, or whatever. In other words, people wanted to tell her who she was. Uh, so, like, I’m pretty sure nobody but Raven-Symone has the power to tell Raven-Symone who she is.

And so that should be our baseline.

Nobody but Caitlyn Jenner has the right to tell Caitlyn Jenner who she is. And if Rachel Dolezal says she’s black, so be it. And if I’m a self-professed freaking ham sandwich, then I’m a freaking ham sandwich.

You know, speaking of that Pope guy, I think he gets it too, when he said, “…who am I to judge?”

We need to tattoo that phrase on everybody’s eyelids before our judgment / criticism culture destroys us all. And we also need to take a step back and realize that some things just aren’t that big a deal, or go against our ideals and values.

Who uses what bathroom or what cake shop or leads what race based organization are all concepts that are infinitesimal compared to ignoring the most important lesson we have as a human race in, quite simply, “…love one another…”

So let’s just make every bathroom a human bathroom and get it over with. And yeah, sorry, this means the 43 year old soccer mom has to let Jenner into the girl’s bathroom with her 11 year old daughter. Otherwise mom needs to get off social media about what a hero she thinks Jenner is. We have to be all in, or all out.

And I’m pretty sure that if Jesus owned a bake shop, and a gay / trans / multiracial / whatever couple wanted a cake, I think he’d be like, “Of course my children. What flavor would you like? Peace be with you.” I think similar things happened in this book I read that he was in.

And this after all, is the highest expression of our humanity. That you can disagree with somebody, hate who they say they are, or despise what they do, and yet still love them as a fellow human being. So I guess, forget ham sandwich, I want to self-identify as a human.

ham sandwich

Mmm, tasty, tasty love.

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Emotional cruelty to children makes for great entertainment

I’ve got an idea for the new internets video sensation. I’m gonna strap several small children to chairs and play movies to them of small cute animals meeting the wheels of large mobile vehicles. Then I’ll film their reactions and post them on the internets. I can’t fail! I’ll get a billion clicks overnight! Cool!

So usually, I’m the idiot who yells at folks who get offended by things. But in the case of Jimmy Kimmel getting parents to play with their kids’ brains on Halloween candy? Well, I’m not offended as much as depressed that this is what passes for hit entertainment.

Could you ever picture Johnny doing anything like this? No, Johnny had class. This stunt is positively classless. It’s also very, very creepy. Degenerate parents are so off the wall narcissist that they’re chasing internets clicks via the pain of their kids.

Yeah I know, I have also repeatedly said I hate bubble wrapped kids. But there are other ways to goof off with your kids. To play with their heads so they learn how to emotionally react to an ever-changing cruel world. Remember simple wholesome things like, “Got your nose”?

If “Got your nose” is the old school equivalent of a functional society, then “I ate all your candy” is the motto of a culture bound for the crypt. Enjoy the ride, friends.

I want to kidnap the parents of these kids, inject them with mind-expanding-chemicals, and then video tape them as I state:

“I stole all your money. You’re ruined. Fucked. All your hopes and dreams are finished. Here’s a revolver.”

And then I walk out of the room. When I post the video, I’ll get ten million clicks for sure!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to sign off. I’ve got to spend some time thinking about my next shitty blog post. Tomorrow, I’ll get so many neat clicks from the textual vomit that is my brilliance. I’m so smart and clever! There is nothing wrong with this at all. All is well. Please carry on.

Jimmy-Kimmel-Live

Upon arrival in Valhalla, Johnny will punch this man square in the face

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I want to live in a world where this love story is a rounding error

Every once and a while you need a break. Right now we’re doing an awfully decent job of detonating the human race. So let’s take some time off and enjoy a good love story. Because sometimes you need to not think about skeletons. And instead consider the joys of two present non-skeletons embracing in love.

Don’t get it from me, idiocy is an understatement here, get it straight from the source:

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-28568701

Now given the sunken trench wreckage that is my first marriage, I’d say your best bet is to not listen to a word I’m about to say. Yet even though it’s coming from my mouth, you cannot deny these folks are running a relationship across race, ethnic, class boundaries. But I suspect they rather just think of themselves as two people.

We’d all better hope we’re walking down a path where this thing is more and not less common. While folks are getting married less in general, they’re also increasingly not crossing these boundaries when they do. The Mad Men days of dudes marrying their deputy executive administrative assistants are long gone. I think if you graduated from university, you’re like 856% more likely to marry a fellow college graduate than you were in 1965.

So if you are not in favor of something like The Hunger Games where society is permanently divided between two camps of crushed humanity, it’s time to cheer not just for these two kids, but any other time you see something this awesome occur.  They met while he was washing the freaking family car!  It’s just great.  Regardless of your deity of choice, they’re smiling at this one.  Unless you worship Satan, who is likely frowning, and in which case send me your contact info because my guests want to speak with you.

So here’s hoping by 2090 that the novelty of this story is as ancient as copper spear kills. That by then, nobody cares because this stuff is as common as air. That it’s just a rounding error on the delicious human ride. As the best quote in the article testifies:

“Why should it be headline news? We are all human beings.”

Indeed.

_76653346_patelandtimothy2

Now they’ll have the delightful opportunity to be just as miserable as the rest of us

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We support vicious teenage bar fights

Have you ever seen a movie of a future where the humans are enslaved or are otherwise some form of automaton drooling slug? It’s going to happen. Or is it? Yes.

Now most of you (none of you) are probably wondering what I think of the People’s Republic of Donetsk Air Defense Corps’ inability to read internationally recognized aviation identification codes. Well, to be honest, I don’t have it in me today. Maybe next week. I guess. Just say a prayer for everybody. Even the missile guy who pulled the trigger. Everybody. That’s enough for now.

So last week The Economist ran a long piece on why young folks aren’t the disaster society claims they are:

http://www.economist.com/news/briefing/21606795-todays-young-people-are-held-be-alienated-unhappy-violent-failures-they-are-proving

They reference trends that show drug & alcohol use, sex, and violent crime are beginning to decline among the Western world’s youth population. These are clearly encouraging changes. So why is this happening?

The Economist roughly sites:

– Increasingly aggressive enforcement by the enforcers

(because the enforcers love to enforce the rules upon your soul)

– The increasing average age of population as a whole

(we’re having fewer kids than pandas)

– Rising education levels that make teens less likely to act like fools

(although the overall value of said education is in question)

– High pressure by society for kids to perform

(because it’s important to know lots of math so you can forget it later)

– More supervision by parents

(even though the parents didn’t have their own lives wired when they were young)

– And a whole slew of other factors which may or may not be important

(randomness can fog an article, just ask this blog’s author)

Kids can’t expect to have the time & money to burn on fun when they’re six-figures into debt before their 23rd birthday. When you’re just short of your 24th birthday, and you discover you’re again living with your parents, it’s harder to bring that person home for the night. How are you to overturn a flaming trashcan on Main Street when you’re trapped with Call of Duty or Instagram in your parents’ creepy basement (because they turned your old room into a Memorial to Satan)?

The Economist states:

For much of the 20th century, children were largely ignored and allowed to roam free. If they acted up, they were typically punished with violence. Now, however, parents are expected to be intimately involved in their children’s lives, says Ms Gardner. They supervise homework; attend parents’ evenings; go to prenatal and parenting classes; read blockbusters about child psychology.

How far have we gone in the other direction? In 1930 you probably had your 11 year old working in a sweatshop. After hours, they’d go screw off somewhere with their friends and the parents didn’t have a clue. Yet somehow the universe didn’t collapse. Go figure.

Now in Connecticut, if you leave your 11 year old alone in a lukewarm car, you get arrested and charged by asinine bureaucrats that rule our lives even though they’re all too stupid to run a newspaper stand:

http://www.wfsb.com/story/25982048/bristol-mother-charged-with-leaving-child-unattended-in-car

This brings me to the core of why I have a problem with all this. From the article, I’ll let the Leeds barkeep lead off with his view:

“Kids these days just want to live in their fucking own little worlds in their bedrooms watching Netflix and becoming obese,”

Even The Economist, that ends its article with the optimistic line, “They want to build something better.” is forced to admit the serious drawbacks of our newly well-ordered adolescence:

What this adds up to is a generation that is more closely watched and less free to screw up. So perhaps it is unsurprising that better behaviour has not, as yet, translated into greater happiness. For all their disavowal of inebriation and criminality, young people are still proving more likely to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety. They are often obsessed with their careers—and rarely satisfied. Young people repeatedly report less job satisfaction than their parents or grandparents.

In other words today’s youth are better behaved but depressed and feel worthless. Gee, doesn’t this sound fun! Aren’t we all so glad that we’re gallantly obeying the rules?

Their lives are completely controlled, by society, by the law, by their parents, but most importantly by their own brains. This is not a mindset that encourages creative thought, ambition, risk-taking, open brains, or all the other crucial things that make humanity special and enable our joy.

We’re raising a generation of compliant, faceless, joyless machines. To me, better a pot-smoking-hippie-douche than an internet-obsessed-sober-student-indebted-introvert. At least the hippie is outdoors and (in theory) believes in something.

I’ve got a better idea. How about we let a dozen teenagers roll off to a bar to drink (illegal), after the government mandated curfew (illegal), they blow ton of money on booze (unwise), they hook up with abandon (unhealthy), get belligerent with fellow bar patrons (unwise), and close out the night with a vicious teenage bar brawl (illegal).

Why do I advocate this? For two reasons:

1) Because after this one night there’s no disputing that those teenagers are alive. Truly hopping in mind, spirit, and body.

2) Because I guarantee you those teenagers will have learned more about themselves, each other, and life in that one night than all the required educational moments the culture imposes upon them. Even if every single lesson was learned the hard way? So be it.

So here’s to drugs, alcohol, sex, petty crime, and other nonsense teenage behavior. Because ultimately, we’ll all be a lot happier and prosperous that way. The alternative is a future room full of joyless ants, under the warm gaze & tireless orders of Grand-Parade-Ground-Major Obey.

Your choice.

bar fights

Keep swinging, pot’s in the corner, the girls & boys are all watching while thinking about sex, have another round on the house, feel alive, be happy.

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Bask in the approved-mandated-directed future of young love

Are you one of the freaks out there looking for a pet cause? A piece of advice, if you’re choosing one that overturns a cultural tenant that has existed since the Dawn of Man, it’s best to use caution before you open your mouth.

The latest quest in the seemingly never-ending journey to enslave humanity comes from the ever-increasing Command & Control culture of Great Britain. The question on display is whether you require somebody’s active consent before you kiss them. No, I did not make this up. Behold, observe the total validity accorded to the nonsense at hand by a respected (increasingly less so) publication:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-27831626

“I’ve been talking about this with friends recently and whether people should say, ‘Is it okay if I kiss you now?’ and actually I think it’s really sweet because what you’re saying is, ‘I don’t want to do something that would upset you’.”

So a cultural practice in place for (conservatively estimated) about five-thousand years is worthy of destruction because the politically-correct-machine-engineered-fear-hate crowd has determined that a harmless kiss is completely out of bounds if prior permission is not acquired for the attempt.

For the record, to the freaks who will likely accuse me of advocating physical or mind rape, I’m not proposing that a man who forces his lips upon any woman like a barbarian is worthy of a defense. That garbage has been out of bounds since before Troy. But what the above lunacy is saying is that it’s now a requirement in all situations. Just to be safe. Regardless of the circumstances.

Now we wouldn’t want the girl or boy (yes, it cuts both ways, does it not) to say no. Then you could get sued, accused of sexual assault, or run out of town on the rails by the local media as a sex offender. And thus, all passion, spontaneity, and joy are ground into dust by the lawyers, politicians, and social activists intent on controlling not just all our lives, but all of human behavior.

Do you think I’m ranting like a lunatic? Well, that’s true, but just you wait. They’re going to get what they want. Why? Because in today’s culture and society it seems whoever can shout the loudest wins. Outrage, real or imagined, is more important than common sense and the wisdom our culture has acquired over not completely destroying ourselves for thousands of years. 

What you know and accept as truth is wrong. They’ll tell you what’s right. If you disagree, you’ll have two options. Obey in silence. Get punished for your insolence. Your choice.

Don’t believe me, just view the documentary instructional video soon bound for consumption by your third grade child at all local elementary schools. It comes out during the 2029 school year. My guests provided me an advance copy via time travel (don’t ask). Enjoy!

[cue 1950’s instructional video introduction lively music; cut to man standing on a large, rectangular blacktop; he wears a nondescript black uniform; military in nature; he nods at information he reads from his black iPad]

Uniformed Man: Yes, yes, brilliant. [looks up] Oh, hello, I’m Grand Parade Ground Major Obey, and welcome to “The Boundaries of Love”. In this guidance you will acquire the skills necessary to achieve true young love! I hope you’re paying attention little ones, because soon you’ll be growing up, passing that special moment of your lives, and are thus directly accountable for your behavior. [wags spiny finger] And we all want to make sure we’re following the rules, eh? So let’s begin our voyage of discovery, shall we?

[cut to picture of middle school classroom]

GPGM Obey: [voiceover] Ah, the indoctrination environment. Knowledge, wisdom, guidance, and what, love? He, he, he, why yes of course. Let’s meet Little Johnny and Little Clarissa.

[typical young children; laughing behind their hands in class; the teacher not happy; very homely, comical, and genuine]

GPGM Obey: [voiceover] Now Little Johnny and Little Clarissa have known each other for years. Their government-approved-home-minders are good friends, and they see each other all the time on non-physical-work-appearance days. Naturally, as they’ve grown up, they’ve started to experience new feelings.

[cut to Little Johnny and Little Clarissa in the hallway; classes are beginning; but they remain as the hall empties out]

Little Johnny: You’re the best.

Little Clarissa: [giggles] You’re an idiot.

LJ: No really, I’m happy with you.

LC: [giggles]

[Little Johnny leans toward Little Clarissa, hesitantly, completely unsure of his actions]

LC: Wait, Johnny, but we haven’t discussed this. We have to talk first!

[Little Johnny pecks Little Clarissa lightly on the lips; both clearly enjoy the experience; the excitement and joy of young love; but Little Clarissa’s eyes are then filled with fear]

LC: Johnny! You didn’t get permission!

[the word “WRONG” appears in bold red watermark across the screen; cut to GPGM Obey on the blacktop]

GPGM Obey: Oh no, sorry Little Johnny, but your future secular-court-approved cohabitant has not authorized this kiss. So sorry that you didn’t pay attention in class.

[quick cut to scene of Little Johnny executed by a jackboot firing squad; the brutality is horrific as our pre-teen scamp is broken in half by a barrage of large caliber rifle rounds to the torso]

GPGM Obey: Huh, huh, huh, now I’m sure Little Johnny will think twice next time before he passes the boundaries of acceptable-social-conduct, eh? So, here’s how Little Johnny should have proceeded.

[cut to Little Johnny and Little Clarissa in the hallway, classes are beginning, but they remain as the hall empties out]

Little Johnny: You’re the best.

Little Clarissa: [giggles] You’re an idiot.

LJ: No really, I’m happy with you.

LC: [giggles]

LJ: I’d like your permission to kiss you.

LC: Oh. [clearly uncomfortable] Okay.

[Little Johnny pecks Little Clarissa on the lips; both clearly hate the experience; both their eyes are filled with terror; the experience devoid of all emotion and happiness]

LJ: Were you okay with that?

LC: Yes, I am okay with this event as it has occurred.

LJ: I enjoyed that.

LC: Yes, I feel validated by this experience.

LJ: I am glad we shared this moment.

LC: As am I. 

[cut to GPGM Obey on the blacktop]

GPGM Obey: Now wasn’t that so much better! Each individual clearly expressed their intentions, no ambiguity was present, and total order existed where it counted the most.

[cue 1950’s instructional video introduction lively music]

GPGM Obey: Well, little ones, that’s all the time we have for today. But remember, what you’ve learned today, always applies at all times. And don’t forget, if you’re not following the rules? We’ll know. Huh, huh, huh. 

[outro with GPGM Obey examining additional data from his iPad; cut to black]

young_love

This lovely picture, obtained via a simple Google search of the words “young love”, will soon be illegal if the individuals discussed above get their way