Ponder if you will this typical suburban scenario. There’s these two folks who live down the road from you, we’ll coincidentally call them Don and Hil. They’re both running for president of your development’s homeowner’s association. You kick yourself every time you remember that you were foolish enough to buy property that had an active association. You got cited last year for the length of your garden bush’s fronds. You had to look up the word fronds in your dusty dictionary to determine what you were being sited for, yeah that’s right, the freaking dictionary.
Don is retired and used to run the town’s largest real estate firm. He made a whole truck of money but his company had a reputation of mixed success with questionable business practices. He lives at home with his much younger trophy wife and he dotes on his kids and grandkids. Don’s generally a likeable guy who will chat with you while you walk your dogs. But he only ever talks about himself and tends to yell a lot. He also randomly picks pointless fights with others in the neighborhood over shit nobody controls, like where the town holds its 4th of July fireworks display.
Hil is vice president at a local insurance firm. She’s hardly ever home as she travels a whole bunch, and in any case lives alone as her estranged husband is never around. The rumors say he lives in Thailand. Folks who know folks who work at her firm say she’s efficient, works hard, and generally does a decent if mostly average job. She hardly knows anybody in the neighborhood. When she talks to people it’s generally very brief and reserved, and she’s then on her way to somewhere else. She’s filed multiple complaints via the current homeowner’s association leadership about how her neighbors keep their homes. Nobody really knows why, since she’s never around that much.
The campaign kicks off in earnest.
Don walks about the neighborhood accosting folks even when they don’t want to talk. He’ll lay his hand on their shoulder and speak to them anyways, about three inches from their faces. He makes disparaging remarks about Hil, other neighbors, The Zoo, and random cereal brands. He makes no promises on what he’d specifically do as association president other than that he’d “liquidate” the existing association order. Folks find this appealing as they’re sick of the association being in their faces about what color their damn shed is. But Don also talks about how he’s going to “demolish” city hall and “kill all those fuckers”. Folks don’t really like or understand this as the local mayor, Zelda, is an extremely popular and competent grandmother of five.
Hil covertly compiles the demographic details of every member of the neighborhood and then hires a Pilipino based data analysis firm to produce a multi-hundred paged detailed report on an effective campaign strategy. When the neighbors discover this, they’re naturally concerned that their lives are being looked at in such a matter. Hil denies everything, but one of Don’s friends later finds a half-burned copy of the report in the neighborhood park dumpster. Hil’s plans for the association are fairly sensible, but are presented in an arrogant, aloof, and sterile manner. Folks who speak with Hil on the street get upset because they think she talks down to them when they say they don’t understand her plans, or want to complain about the way she filed complaints against them last year with the association.
They debate at the association contractor office tonight.
You can’t stand either of them.
So, do you get in your car and drive 15 minutes to watch the debate? Only if you’re an idiot. Instead, you sensibly decide to stay home and watch the game surrounded by your family and dogs, and some beer.
Do not watch this debate. Neither of these people should be president. In fact, none of the four Democrat losers or 37 Republican morons who competed against them in the primaries should either. God I hate both these political parties, so very much. It’s a sad and troubling time for our democracy, folks.
But it seems tonight’s debate is set for record viewing numbers. I think folks are watching it only to see the horror show on display. Like how if a blimp blew up over your home, you wouldn’t be able to look away. Both these idiots have negative approval ratings of like 87%, and presidential debates aren’t about substance. So it can only be voyeur awfulness that draws people.
Well, I’m not going to take part. I won’t be voting for either of them. So who cares. I’m out.
Sigh, why can’t Monday Night Football have a decent game on tonight? We get the Falcons, a former Super Bowl contender who have apparently faded into irrelevance faster than their host city. And we’ve got the Saints who are a team on hospice care until Drew Brees’ career dies and Sean Payton has his contract terminated. And you know what, I’ll still take it. I’ll watch this garbage game, and not flip the remote. You bet.
You should too. Please.