Tag Archives: Entertainment

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Let’s offend the sports media by putting them all in a trash compactor

One of the painful joys of 24 hour death ray media is 24 hour sports media. In comparison to the rest of the universe, sports are fairly simple. So eventually they run out of shit to talk about. So what do they do? They essentially make shit up. They get offended at each other, and then spend a great deal of time talking about how they’re offended.

Are you offended? Huh? Who the fuck are you? They’re offended. You don’t matter. You’re not a brilliant journalist like them. Your purpose is to sit there and watch them talking about how offended they are. Independent thought is not required. Just keep eating, watch their wisdom, and shovel your cash in their direction.

So Tony Dungy and Jerry Jones and Stephen A said things considered offensive to the sports media. And since the sports media has had their righteousness assaulted? They get to talk about it. All day. Apologies are demanded, justice is on the horizon, and, wait, no, wait none of that happens.

They just need controversy. They need a cause. What are sports? Uh, well, I guess it’s talking about how a fellow sports broadcaster talked about something. So you talk some about that. How you’re offended. So you talk about that. Lots of talking.

I’ve just consulted my Arcturan dictionary. The definition of stupidity is apparently an internal media dialogue where a sports journalist gets offended by something another sports journalist said. According to the dictionary it is, “the most senseless and worthless of human acts since the invention of disposable robot giraffes”.

So let’s go ahead and put these guys & gals inside the trash compactor from Star Wars. Together. While they’re bitching about their situation, screaming at each other about how offended they are with their situation, the rest of us can get back to watching the game. And eventually, via the trash compactor’s ability to effectively implement the laws of physics, the problem will take care of itself.

Smith1218a

If asked to define his occupation during the Apocalypse Judgment, what would he write down?

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We are thankful that others are starting to learn

We’ve written about this before.  You are commanded upon pain of torture to observe and join the cause.  Or just watch the video and let Oliver help you learn.  Either way.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/fpbOEoRrHyU?rel=0

john_oliver

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Without local news, Weather would abduct your kids & burn your home

Every once and a while the media shows their true arrogance and the general contempt they hold for you. It doesn’t often occur, but when it does, you really get a clear view of their intent and attitude toward the rest of the human race.

The News Stormtrooper of the Week Award goes to Nancy Naeve of South Dakota in her belligerent rant against the common viewer for getting upset that tornado storm coverage displaced their favorite shows:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/13/nancy-naeve-tornado_n_5318675.html

Now I’m all about the typical belligerent rant. I cleanse my soul with it. But this is beyond wrong.

Nancy’s taken it upon herself to tell the audience what’s best for them. I guess because she thinks her viewers are too irresponsible to protect themselves. She says she’s on the air to “save people’s lives”. This is to imply that if her network didn’t conduct a special weather broadcast, that she believes people would actually die.

I would think that generally folks like firefighters and rescue workers save lives. Not some news anchor sitting behind a desk. I guess I’m just confused. I wonder if she realizes tornados have existed since the dawn of man? Or that there are dozens of other means by which an individual can receive information about severe weather? How stupid does she think the average viewer is that if her precious news show did not occur, somebody would actually get themselves killed?

So at the core of her argument is this “gets me mad” because the public backlash is interrupting her ability to “saving lives, literally”. But in order to accept her line of thinking, we’d have to assume that her network conducts this coverage in order to save lives. Well, unfortunately for Nancy, this isn’t why her station does this.

The networks do storms to get your cash via an increase in overall watchers. They’re not necessarily in it for your protection, that’s just a symptom of the larger goal. The primary objective is profit. Nancy is in the television industry, she has to know this is the reason for special weather programs. So she’s either a conceited liar (very possible) or just a naïve reporter (probably the real reason).

I’m going to give Nancy the benefit of the doubt and say she’s just foolish. She was brought up in this system. They taught her what she needed to believe to succeed in the news business. Her paycheck is stamped by the executive who generated this bright idea to increase viewers and advertising revenue. So don’t be too hard on her that she thinks she’s just as important as a firefighter who genuinely risks their life and future every single day.

Now you’ll usually notice they don’t air commercials during these special storm events. So you’ll claim the absence of ads during heavy weather indicates it’s not about the money. Wrong. The reason they don’t typically show commercials is so you are tricked into believing it’s about your safety first. When it isn’t.

What they’re after in these unique situations is not your cash, not yet, but your trust. They are trying to conn you into believing that they have your health at heart in the most extreme of circumstances. That you can rely upon them. Once they have your trust, the assumption is they’ll forever have your eyes for standard daily news. Then they can take your cash.

But wait, there’s more. If it was truly just about your welfare, all they would do is put a little warning banner on the bottom of the screen that flashed active tornado danger areas. When do they normally do this? During football games. They’ll kick Once Upon a Time off the air any day, but never the Vikings in South Dakota. Why?

Because the business model has determined that their profit tradeoff is not favorable if they kick off an NFL game, thus the small warning banner. But they’ll remove an average rated show because their metrics stipulate this is worth the increase in viewers against those who get pissed off their favorite drama just got bumped. But if it was really just about ensuring you’re safe? Then they’d boot even the NFL game off the air wouldn’t they? But they won’t.

Now friends, you might think I’m being too extreme, again? Well, I invite you to search online and view multiple news stories about what Nancy said. Look across several media publications. They’re all giving her a round of applause like she’s just resurrected Jesus’ ghost.

Why do they love her so much? It’s not because she’s “saving lives, literally”. It’s because all the folks reporting on her have brains just like her. What she thinks about you is what they think about you. Please remember this the next time one of them tells you with their deity-like guidance that they know what’s best for you, your family, or your country.

Next time they boot your favorite show off the air, don’t e-mail the network profanity or death threats, send them this:

Thank you for your attention, but I have checked my weather smartphone app and have all the information I require. Please turn my favorite show back on.

or

We appreciate your efforts to think for us, but my town has a siren that will produce any weather warnings I require while I watch my favorite shows. Speaking of which, could you please put my favorite show back on.

or

I have walked onto my porch and determined via my own eyes the current status of the weather. Your concern is not required or desired. Please put my favorite show back on or I’ll watch another network that does not treat me like I’m five.

1400034136000-naeve

More disrespectful to your overall wellbeing than a Class V twister

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You may go now

So how’s it going to end for Johnny Football? Super Bowl? Horrific injury? Decent career? Blazing failure? Blimp attack? No, not really. It’s going to go a lot quieter than that.

Everybody remember Tim Tebow? I’m sure you don’t know who he is. He was a rather obscure, unknown athlete. This guy exited the stage with a whimper. I don’t even know where he is right now. Maybe he works as a sports guy somewhere, but he could also be collecting recycling for a living in Gary, Indiana for all anybody knows. It’ll go the same for Johnny.

In the calm, measured, silent-movie comedy Tombstone, there’s a delightful scene up-front where Val Kilmer releases Johnny Tyler (who is bizarrely played by Billy Bob Thornton) whose presence is no longer relevant to the conversation with:

“Oh. Johnny I apologize I forgot you were there. [wave of hand] You may go now.”

It’s the most deliciously condescending, dismissive line in film history. It is impossible to watch that scene too many times.

You can’t argue that Manziel has talent. Unfortunately the powers of his brain just don’t match the freak awesome physical nature. A bunch of you are willing to overlook his immaturity and somewhat criminal behavior and disregard it as a young guy doing what they do.

Unfortunately, the rules of a traditional college dude don’t apply for Manziel. And neither do they apply to the Browns. He isn’t going to play wide receiver. He’s the starting quarterback. He requires the greatest maturity, leadership, and work ethic on the team. Manziel just doesn’t have that. Not now, not ten years from now. Particularly when our blessed media friends aren’t going to let him get his mail without shoving ten cameras in his face.

But because Manziel is such a physical masterpiece, teams are going to be inclined to give him a shot. This is a league where true starting quarterbacks exist on only half the teams. And so let the musical roundup begin. When the Browns have woken up to their blinding failure, he’ll get a shot with someone else. And then another team will give it a go, and so on. All up until the last moment, with the last team, where the assistant-deputy-offensive-line-coach will look over, realize Johnny’s apparently still there, and discharge him from the NFL with:

“Oh. Johnny I apologize I forgot you were there. [wave of hand] You may go now.”

johnny_day

He has about two years to grow up, or grow old

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Those ancient dudes have some good stuff to say

Tis the season to think about the deeper things in life. No, it’s not election time, or random-mandated-corporation-gift-giving-occasion, or even your birthday. Or maybe it is your birthday, in which case, happy birthday, you’re one year closer to the joys of the drink.

But even considering the date, I think it’s generally good to ponder your place in the world. At least a little. I mean you don’t have to get wrapped around it to the point that you end up hiding under some coats in a dark closet, giggling. But it’s still something to contemplate. Particularly since tomorrow you could cash-out in a horrific maritime accident.

By the way, I imagine statistically speaking that you’re now about six-hundred times more likely to die at sea as you are in the air. So take it from a guy who used to do that for a living. When you’re on something that floats you should:

a) Always be wearing a lifejacket or at all times know where the closest one is

b) Always know where the nearest exit is to reach daylight and how to get there, in the pitch dark, or with your eyes closed

c) Make sure those you are with know these things too, challenge each other, ask questions, and have a plan

d) If you find (a) through (c) too tedious, don’t go to sea, even for a ride

Anyways, so I’ve been reading a lot lately. I go in spurts. Sometimes I read nothing. Other times I’m a total loser (that is, more than usual) locked up in my hovel with my dogs, a book, and beer. So I came upon a good passage the other day from a real classic.

So there’s this Xerxes guy. He’s on his way to conquer the world because it’s there. He’s real good at it. So were his father and their ancestors. He’s crossing continents and has a few things to say.

Oh man, how much better is this actual text than the verbal mess of an exchange we saw between Rodrigo Santoro and Eva Green in 300? As they yack it up next to the bridges like actors trapped in a historical (not historical) movie.

Now don’t get me wrong. I had a good time with 300 Round Two, but the original was much better. And also closer to the truth of what occurred. I’ve got a lot to say about these two flicks, which will probably come in a later post, I guess. Maybe?

But friends, generally truth isn’t just stranger than fiction, it’s also better:

When he saw the whole Hellespont covered with ships, and all the shores and plains of Abydos full of men, Xerxes first declared himself blessed, and then wept.

Artabanos perceived this, he who in the beginning had spoken his mind freely and advised Xerxes not to march against Hellas. Marking how Xerxes wept, he questioned him and said, “O king, what a distance there is between what you are doing now and a little while ago! After declaring yourself blessed you weep.”

Xerxes said, “I was moved to compassion when I considered the shortness of all human life, since of all this multitude of men not one will be alive a hundred years from now.”

Artabanos answered, “In one life we have deeper sorrows to bear than that. Short as our lives are, there is no human being either here or elsewhere so fortunate that it will not occur to him, often and not just once, to wish himself dead rather than alive. Misfortunes fall upon us and sicknesses trouble us, so that they make life, though short, seem long.

Life is so miserable a thing that death has become the most desirable refuge for humans; the god is found to be envious in this, giving us only a taste of the sweetness of living.”

So Xerxes has everything a human could ever ask for in women, riches, power, women, and prestige. The only thing he lacks in life is heavy infantry. Which unfortunately for him, becomes a real problem a few months later. But he’s still having trouble figuring out how to play in this shitty-cruel-bitch of a life that we all lead. So what does that tell you? If this guy has it all, and can’t always get it done, then don’t be too hard on yourself. Just try and enjoy the ride.

Now you may be tempted to respond to my nonsense by throwing up your hands and screaming: “This is bullshit!” Or, “Fuck you, who cares?” Or, “Wait, what is this shit, why am I here wasting my time reading this?!” And thus your solution is to never read this blog again (a smart idea) or to become a mindless bank robbing asshole. Because, you know, why not? The bank’s not going to rob itself. And if life is shit, you might as well roll the dice, right? But the problem with that line of thinking is bank robbery is less worth it nowadays. I think you have an 85% change of getting caught and your average take is like $7K or something. That’s not even enough to buy one-third of your average family car.

So what then? Panic? Burn the world? Melt your mind with chemicals? Well, how about this, I read this a few days back too:

Wash, make yourselves clean. Take your wrong-doing out of sight. Cease doing evil.

Learn to do good, search for justice, discipline the violent, be just to the orphan, plead for the widow.

Sounds good enough to me. Let’s go with that.

Enjoy it while you can. Try your best. It’s a hell of a hard ride, but remember how lucky we all are that we’re here at all. And do your best to earn it.

300-Rise-of-an-Empire-Hellespont-bridge-HR

Oh my. I’m so fucking awesome. Gaze upon my eighth wonder of the world. But shit, what I wouldn’t pay for just five thousand armored infantry. Anybody got a phone? I’ve got to make some calls. Fuck.

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You may not know it, but it’s all irrelevant

Guess who died last night? No, not some poor Ukrainian beat cop. That’s not important. Who cares about that guy anyways? One of the critical characters from Game of Thrones! No, I didn’t see the episode, but you can’t miss the result on most news websites today. I’m sure there’s not anything going on in the real world, so let’s make sure we spend Monday morning in fantasy land.

I’m calling the ending to Game of Thrones right now. They all die. No, that’s not a spoiler, I have no idea what happens. I’ve never and will never read the books. But I know how it ends. They all die. Hey, you ever see The Walking Dead? I know how it ends! They all die. Even if some of them actually live, what’s the point? They’ll all be so burned out from their death caravan that they’d be comfortable calling a serial killer their beer buddy.

Here’s a little advice for those chronic viewers fascinated or upset by all these people dying. Don’t mourn them, they aren’t real television characters, they’re just cardboard cutouts that you can ignore. What happens to them is irrelevant. But wait, you say, Game of Thrones has characters, it’s just the drama at work that takes them to the next life! If you never know when a character might die, it keeps you on the edge of a real true story! Well no, what it does is mentally separate you from the outcome because you have no emotional investment in a character.

Whether you realize it’s happening or not, when you watch Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead or Generic Meat Grinder Television Show #43a7.5b your mind mentally removes you from the story because what’s the point when they’re all walking skeletons.

So what are you actually watching in Game of Thrones? A decent plot and a spectacle of death. Now Game of Thrones seems to have a pretty detailed plot. I watched the first two seasons and it had some really great moments. The story can entertain, it’s really well made, and the actors are truly gifted. So why did I stop watching? Because I’m finished with the meat grinder.

I have no idea why the creators of Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead feel compelled to output this level of misery. Maybe they just need a woman? I’m sure a whole bunch of people who deem themselves smarter than I are going to quote art concepts, enhanced storytelling, whatever. Honestly, I think what these shows ultimately amount to is pornography. You think you’re watching a great story. What you’re actually watching is a moderately good plot, filled with death, flagrant nudity, and other base human desires.

You consider you’re observing true art with hints of philosophy, an updated take on drama, and a plot so detailed that only your elite mind can understand it. People who don’t watch just aren’t as smart as you. Well, I submit you’ve been had. What they’ve spoon fed you is a story that appeals not to your higher intellect, but your most carnal and basic nature. You might as well grab all your boyfriends and girlfriends, head off to the Coliseum for some brutality, and then cool off with a vicious orgy.

This is why so many dramas are now based not on good guys, but on truly horrible human beings. The Walking Dead is populated with murderers, slavers, and so on. Breaking Bad was all about one guy’s descent into pure evil. Again, you think what you’re getting is a contemporary drama that shows morals, society, and our values as they truly are. But what you’re really receiving is a window into your most primal nature, where morals, good people, and striving for a better tomorrow do not exist. It’s cave entertainment reborn.

Oh, and don’t tell me this is fresh drama that replaces decades of film and movies that were too stale, establishment focused, and generally not gritty. If you think old movies were hokey and lacked the true gravel of hard drama, then you haven’t seen old movies and television.

Go watch The Searchers and come to me and claim it’s lightweight and cheery. I’ll respond that you were high, I mean more than usual. That movie’s hero is a criminal, who allows men to commit suicide, nearly becomes a child murderer, and is generally just as nasty a person as anybody in Game of Thrones.

What separates this real character from say The Walking Dead are two things. He has a story to accompany his brutal nature and he has some manner of redemption. He has an arc, a journey of discovery. It’s a voyage we share with him as the audience. At the end of The Searchers, Wayne’s character finds some kind of inner peace. He doesn’t get the girl, he isn’t happy, but he leaves the movie a better person than when he started.

If they remade The Searchers into entertainment today he’d kill people about every ten minutes and then get beheaded horribly about halfway through the story. All without ever learning anything about himself or life in general. There’s something liberating about the dark journey of The Searchers.

There’s nothing redeeming about Game of Thrones. We have a different term we apply to entertainment where people are mercilessly killed with no purpose and almost no compensatory value. They’re called horror movies.

Now this might sound like an odd rant for a guy who’s usually far more cheery than your average kid in a candy store. But I guess that’s my point. If I want to beat myself with a wire brush, I can just watch the news. When I observe entertainment, I want to learn something, and I want to have fun. Folks can die, some characters can go through it without learning anything, bad guys are always needed, but without any redeeming quality at all? I’d rather just watch sports.

The only thing I find positive about this issue is there is some light here. Despite the obsession with Game of Thrones from the elite media, it draws only a little over five million viewers a night. This doesn’t even place it in the top ten, not even close. But from the news you read this morning you’d think it was the most popular show by a long shot.

This tells me two things. One, the general public also does not prefer the meat grinder either. Two, you can learn an awful lot about the media, and the message they want to send to you the viewer, when their number one preferred shows are all horror stories. These people are the ones who write your daily news. If this is what they call good entertainment, it’s probably something that should give you pause the next time they gleefully inform you that it’s they that you should listen to in order to learn about the globe and life in general.

Game-of-Thrones8

Glorified B Horror Movie Hacks

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Don’t make things more than they are

We must eat to live. We might as well enjoy it. But this has gotten out of hand. The assholes have distorted the third most basic of human functions and turned it into a commodity for their profit. We are not the better for it.

I’ve started to notice that ordinary, random people now describe their food like a dick critic they’ve observed on that recent food show called [insert any name here]. My latest experience with this delightful phenomenon was this last weekend at a wedding. The food was very good, but folks felt compelled to explain how they enjoyed it like the actors (they’re not chefs once they take media cash) they saw on television. Here are a few examples that I made up based roughly on what I heard:

 

What They Said: This prime rib has great texture and is cooked to perfection.

What They Meant: This is good meat, hell yeah.

What People Used to Say: This is good shit.

 

What They Said: I find the dressing has just the right vinegar and acidity for my tastes.

What They Meant: I like this salad dressing.

What People Used to Say: Good salad, man.

 

What They Said: This cheesecake has the right balance of sweet and savory.

What They Meant: I like my desert, go humanity.

What People Used to Say: Give me more.

 

When we begin to emulate the media’s view of our most essential acts, folks, it’s time to detonate the human race. What we apparently now think is food is instead a machine engineered version of food created for us by broadcasting fucks. Folks, that’s not food. That’s entertainment. Close your mouths or start to talk like real people again.

As a disclaimer, I cook, I cook well, and I cook all the time. I truly enjoy it. But I don’t make the elite trash you see on the idiot box. I make real food that the actors would call garbage. Well, thanks rich assholes, but I live in the real world. I cook real food and I like it. This is how we normal people live. You all can go to hell or return to your mansions, thank you.

Don’t make things more than they are. It’s not about textures, or acidity, or the views of faceless actors whose opinions aren’t worth the time it takes you to watch them. If you enjoy these shows, as I sometimes do, game on, but remember what it’s all about. Don’t lose focus.  Food is about sustaining life. Food is also about eating and sharing good times with your friends and family, those whom you love. If you make it more than that, you’re missing the point.

giada3

I have more money than Jesus. But if you don’t eat just like I do, you’re Satan.