Let’s ask the robots to battle human misery

It’s cool to distract ourselves from the crushing reality of life with neat little treats, right? Look everybody, it’s a creepy solar powered robot directing traffic in a destitute country. How awesome is that! Well, not at all. If you think it is, as apparently half the modern news media does, you need to go first in line when the machines conveyer belt us all into the incinerator.

I don’t get the fascination with the two Kinshasa robots. In a broken city of ten million dominated by poverty, crime, and corruption we get a series of one or two paragraph articles from our wise, establishment journalists about a faceless little robot that replaces a transportation cop. This just displaced the human to walk a beat so he could get cash. When he’s stuck in the middle of the traffic circle, he can’t demand money.

I want to know how much these robots cost and then how much sleaze occurred just to get them built. Don’t ask the news idiots for that information; they’re not in the business of asking hard questions. They were too busy interviewing the Congolese officials, who bought a new refrigerator off the bribe cash they got, how they put the robots there.

Or maybe I’m wrong, it seems even the most impoverished soul loves the robots because they actually do their jobs and can’t request currency. So they’re superior to your average Congolese enforcer. Hell, they’re even better than any human, anywhere.

Let’s build more of them! They can perform all kinds of delightful tasks:

a) Cure Polio – Militant religious (not religious) assholes will have a real hard time assassinating a polio vaccination worker made of titanium.

b) Banish Malaria – Since we as a human race can’t afford to issue everybody six dollar bed nets, the robots can stand guard and zap mosquitos that approach at night.

c) Purify Potable Water – The robot will stand next to your putrid source, extend a pipe from its groin into the water, and then produce ready to drink liquid from his hand into your container of choice.

d) Execute Justice – A black cloaked machine will preside over the courts and interpret the law impartially using a wide database of past legal history. Verdicts will surprisingly be rendered without considering the influence of financial wealth and/or death threats.

e) Enforce the Righteous Arm of Morality – Thug androids made of tungsten will patrol the beat with all government and law enforcement officials. Said machine will be preprogrammed to identify the chemical reactions present in the skin and brain of an official demanding a bribe. If observed, the thug robot breaks the legs of the offending individual with a pipe.

I mean honestly, why not, it’s not like we’re going to do any of these things ourselves.

robot

I live only to serve the public. Your adoration is enough to fuel all my physical and spiritual desires.

Ultimately, this crash says more about China than anything else

By any definition, this is bizarre. But I’m actually rather surprised it doesn’t happen more often. We place our lives in the hands of two total strangers every time we board an aircraft. They sit up there behind a locked, armored door. Whatever they want to do, they’ll do. Who knows if the airlines vet their people well? Seeing as how governments can’t vet people for critical security clearances properly, I guarantee you the airlines are making a hash of it too.

Yet ultimately in the grand scheme of Asia, I think this says more about China. This morning the Chinese People’s Armed Police allowed the families of the Chinese passengers to march on the Malaysian Embassy in Beijing. I say allowed because the Armed Police don’t let anybody demonstrate anywhere in these numbers without either their approval or a barrage of rubber bullets. They also allowed the families past their riot line, but blocked journalists from following, a further indication that this protest is endorsed by the Chinese government.

What do they want Malaysia to do? A crazy man, in my opinion the co-pilot although I don’t know what I’m talking about, decided to crash an airplane. It’s a horrible, senseless act of murder. And certainly the Malaysian authorities have made a hash of providing accurate, timely information to the families. Yet is that a reason to bully Malaysia with several weeks’ worth of public statements admonishing it for a not well executed response. Did I mention this is bizarre? Any country would have a hard time getting this done right. Get off their backs, please.

The Chinese Deputy Foreign Minister offered this helpful advice, “We demand the Malaysian side state the detailed evidence that leads them to this judgment, as well as supply all the relevant information and evidence about the satellite data analysis.” This is a government that wants to show they don’t trust anybody, anywhere to tell the truth. China will look out for Chinese citizens alone. We the benevolent Communist Party are in charge of Chinese everywhere, and Asia too, please don’t forget. Down with you British satellite company, we’ll do it ourselves.

There were 152 Chinese aboard, but there were 87 others too. Everybody else seems to be capable of assisting and investigating the crash without resulting to criminal accusations of “murder” and generally just losing their shit.

You can’t really blame the families too much, although I suspect men in suits have enabled their anger. To me, this shows a Chinese government committed to a policy of bullying neighbors as if the Empire’s back to life. To China, Malaysia lost an aircraft, and must be made to respond, be held accountable, and generally do as China says. Period. Nobody’s going to say this right now because they’re focused on the aircraft. Rightly so. But there’s still a gang outside the Malaysian Embassy in Beijing today. It shouldn’t be there. Period.

Xi Jinping

Even the death of 152 of my citizens is no reason not to remind a continent that I’m in charge now.

Arcturus News Muster – 24 March 2014

On Arcturus, the news is presented for consumption by a grizzled Arcturan enforcer veteran (nobody retires) who provides coherent analysis, with heavy bias, and an educated filter. This means he sounds awfully like an Earth reporter, except for the intelligence part. Thus, bask in the glory of the work of Ashik-Al of the Ninth Regiment. Or don’t, either way, I assure you, he doesn’t care.

 

1) Egyptian Court Channels “Inner Asshole”

The Arcturus Project News

In a development shocking only to those who don’t understand the Arab mind a court in Egypt sentenced to death over five-hundred supporters of deposed President Mohammed Morsi. The five-hundred are said to have received the privilege of martyrdom as they were not among the more than one-thousand shot dead by security forces in the streets earlier this year. “They just squeaked through somehow,” said Interior Ministry Colonel Ibrahim “The Bull” Ibn Trigger, “we just couldn’t get them to connect with a bullet in the air. So we’re going to have to do this the hard way.”

Critics charged that the brief, clearly one-sided, verdict was beyond extreme for the death of only one police officer. However, analysts stated the verdict is likely to lessen on appeal and that an Egyptian death sentence is rarely carried out in practice. “What we’ll see is a lot of folks locked up, but I don’t think we’re going to see any mass executions,” quoted one justice expert from the World Bank.

Colonel Ibn Trigger agreed with this assessment. “I think in the end, most of these guys will actually go completely free. We’re just trying to scare them a little. Who do you think we are, Assad? We’d never get away with such a horrific crime of executing so many behind bars. Plus, if they’re on the streets again, I can go back to work.”

 

2) Bankers Acquire More Cash to Lick Celebratory Cigars

The Arcturus Project News

The United Kingdom’s Co-op Bank was to obtain more than £400M in cash ($659M) to make up for its more than £1.2B loss from 2013. It will raise the money via a unique share issue. The move follows the discovery of additional factors exposing the further fragile nature of the bank’s organization and stability.

The new funds were also required to lick an extended shipment of Cuban cigars that arrived just this month. The priceless tobacco came to celebrate the bank’s continued success despite an ongoing history of civil and criminal failures. Said Chief Executive Niall Booker, “Nobody’s ever been punished. I’m completely incompetent. I’m making at least £40M this year. Who wouldn’t want to celebrate. This is the best job on the planet.”

Mr Booker brushed away criticism that the bank is unmanageable and that its overall health as an institution was in question at severe risk to the British taxpayer. “Fuck you,” he offered, “Fuck you all.”

 

3) An Interview with the New Boss of Belbek

The Arcturus Project News

The Arcturus Project News spoke with Sergei Pianowirevich, recently appointed by President Vladimir Putin as Interim Commander, Belbek Air Force Base, Crimea.

The Arcturus Project: Colonel Pianowirevich, thanks for agreeing to speak with us via telephone.

Colonel Pianowirevich: My pleasure, but please, I’m no colonel.

TAP: Ah, my apologies, your rank?

Pianowirevich: I’m actually a vice marshall of the local Russian culture, vodka, & chess club.

TAP: Uh, …, okay, so ah, …, Vice Marshall Pianowirevich?

Pianowirevich: Yes?

TAP: Okay, ah, so, …, how’s your first day in command going? And congratulations on your glorious victory.

Vice Marshall Pianowirevich: Thank you. Thank you. Splendid, splendid. We’re taking an inventory of equipment, assets, and ensuring security is handled well.

TAP: And the former Ukrainian occupants?

VMP: Ha! Don’t worry, those dirty fascist rats are headed home safely. We’re not animals after all!

TAP: Holy shit! (drops glass) You guy’s took a bunch of fucking Nazis prisoner!?

VMP: Uh, excuse me?

TAP: A bunch of freaking Nazis! You gotta be shitting me!? (throws notes) How many? Were they true black suited SS!?

VMP: You seem to misunderstand, they are Ukrainian fascists from their country’s armed forces.

TAP: You said they were fascists. Ukrainian Nazis. They have to be like ninety, each of them.

VMP: Yes, yes, but not Nazis, German Nazis, they’re all young. You see there’s a difference.

TAP: Ah, I see, forgive me but I’m really confused. How would you describe the difference?

VMP: I don’t understand.

TAP: Well you see, I’m an educated man, I read things, and I guess when you say fascists I think of all those Nazis that burned half of Russia sixty years ago.

VMP: Yes, that’s them! Hehe, you’ve got it.

TAP: Ah, so how many Russian’s did those dirty Hitler-lovers get this time before you stepped in?

VMP: …

TAP: Vice Marshall?

VMP: No, yes, but you seem to misunderstand, the fascists were here to enslave Russians.

TAP: So they must have really burned the shit out of the Russian quarter in Sevastopol. Did they do a bunch of old fashioned Luger executions by the sausage stand before you guy’s moved in to save the day?

VMP: Now listen, I see where this is going, you’re one of them. You’re a dirty Western fascist! I’m not going to stand for this propaganda. We did what we wanted on our own. We cleansed our great nation and returned it to our Motherland! (pounds desk)

TAP: So before you moved in, what then if not the Lugers, like, did the fascists do it by the vodka stand with MP-38s?

VMP: (unintelligible profanity) Capitalist, fascist, dog! (unintelligible profanity) (phone line terminated)

TAP: So he does realize he gave us his phone number & address up front right? (mumbling) Yeah, yeah. (mumbling) Okay, let’s dial again. He’s new to the valiant colonel’s office, he doesn’t know how to block the calls yet. (mumbling) Then we’ll try his home number too, either way we’re good. We can let his wife know what an awesome Nazi hunter her husband is.

(end tape)

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-26712124

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-26711702

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-26713727

 fine_gentleman

Oh my, this $500 stogie tastes so much better when it’s licked by your shattered dreams.

It’s well past time to let some fighter pilots get their beaks wet

I’ve honestly never understood the supposedly reasonable arguments for not, at the very least, establishing a no-fly zone over Syria.  The situation’s a mess, it’s probably not solvable by the international community, and in any case nobody’s going to put troops on the ground.  So why care?  Because when you’re letting a guy push barrel bombs out the back of helicopters onto apartment blocks, then we are all complicit in such a disgusting act because it’s so easy for us to stop it.

This is yet again, on full display, the incompetent narcissism of the international diplomatic community.  For them it’s about the self-interest of a nation and the preservation of a very precise and refined international order that they build and maintain.  If the events of the last few months have shown anything, it exposes just how foolish this fantasy really is.  So we’ve allowed a guy to murder north of one-hundred thousand of his own people because attacking him would make Russia angry?  How’d that work out for us?  If we’re going to live in a lawless world where Crimea is a footnote by next August, well let’s just go ahead and do whatever we fucking want also.

Sweeping the skies clean isn’t going to solve Syria’s civil war.  Assad can always just fire tank shells into hospitals too.  But you go with the art of the possible.  Despite what cowardly, uniformed politicians (they call themselves generals & admirals) in the West have claimed, this isn’t that hard or dangerous.  They could establish and maintain a no-fly zone in Syria in a week.  This we can do.  We can’t destroy every tank in Syria without invading, and we’re certainly not going to do that.  Fine, we take what we can get.  At least it’s something.  At least it’s a message that we actually care about what kind of world we live in.

Oh my, says the established, educated diplomat.  Well what about the removal of the chemical weapons?  We can’t allow that deal to get detonated, Mr Arcturus, can we?  Ah, I see, so Assad has met all his deadlines on chemical weapons, right?  Here’s a view of the future that’s one-hundred percent guaranteed to be true, friends: Assad’s not going to ever give up all his chemical weapons.  Ever.  That said diplomat(s) actually believed he would, shows their naive idiocy.

Turkey shot down one jet today and strangely the universe hasn’t collapsed upon itself.  The war will go on.  But that jet won’t be dropping five-hundred pound bombs on a school tomorrow.  Time to let some fighter pilots get their beaks wet from whatever honorable nations choose to let fly.  The war will go on, but we’ll save tens-of-thousands of lives.  In this dark world, for the moment, we can put that in the win column.  Evil’s been on a hell of a streak lately.  Time to punch back.

AIR_F-16_Turkish_Armed_Top_lg

First round goes to the man with the gun kill on a barrel bomb helicopter.

Film in the Middle East – Banning Noah

Many people focused today on pivotal issues such as a missing airplane, invasion plans, and whether $12 million on one man is enough to buy your way out of Super Bowl shame.  I on the other hand spent my day figuring out the greatest mystery since King Tutankhamun’s tomb:

Why are several Gulf states banning the masterpiece hit film Noah?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-26568107

To get to the bottom of this crisis I commuted today to Doha via an Arcturan Teledar sortie.  There I spoke with Professor Ali Hassan bin Angry of the Doha Institute for Offended Studies.

The Arcturus Project:  Professor Hassan, thanks so much for agreeing to speak with us.

Professor Hassan:  My pleasure, Sir.

TAP:  Why so quick to ban a film you haven’t even seen?

PH:  Well, it’s not necessarily the content of the film, but as we understand it Nūh is depicted directly in the film…

TAP:  Yes, I saw Russell Crowe’s dreamy face in the previews.

PH:  Exactly, and in Islam we consider it blasphemy to show the face of a prophet, any prophet.

TAP:  And so the ban.

PH:  Yes, of course.

TAP:  Why did you not just ask Paramount to blur Crowe’s face throughout the film?  It might have actually improved the viewing experience.

PH:  Ah, I suppose we never considered it.  It’s just blasphemous.

TAP:  Do you hope all nations with Islamic populations will ban the flick?

PH:  Of course, it’s sacrilege and offensive to our values.

TAP:  You do realize they don’t actually intend to offend you, they just want to make a shit ton of cash.

PH:  Pardon?

TAP:  They’ve managed to offend nearly every religion on the planet by making this film.  I think even a Buddhist monk wants to vomit somewhere, but they don’t want to offend people because if they offend somebody they can’t take their cash.

PH:  But they had to have seen this coming?

TAP:  I think they just figured they’d take the risk.  They have to cash in on the name.

PH:  I don’t understand?

TAP:  Everybody on the planet knows Noah’s name.  So if they make a movie about him, people will in theory hand over cash because of name recognition.  This movie isn’t about religion, it’s about a guy named Noah.  They don’t care about his story.  They just want you in the door because you know his name.  After that, they could have Noah solving bank robberies for all Paramount cares.

PH:  Well, then certainly we’ve made the right choice by banning such a disgusting cash grab!

TAP:  No see, you’re wrong, by banning the movie you’ve undoubtedly ensured millions in the Islamic world will see this via an online hack site or something.  Since you’ve banned it, now they’ll have to see it.

PH:  There’s no way that’s true.

TAP:  It happens all the time.  You think anybody actually wanted to watch Passion of the Christ?  It’s just several hours of a decent guy getting the shit kicked out of him.  But then a bunch of you guys banned it and it got more press.

PH:  That was never our intention though.

TAP:  You need to learn from your mistakes, there’s going to be more films like this.

PH:  More?!  They must have mercy upon us.

TAP:  They won’t, any concept that has anything with a recognizable name is going to get packaged into a shitty film and shoved down your throat.  Religious characters, historical dude, the freaking zoo, anything.  They’ll shove out one with a Rubik’s Cube next year for sure.

PH:  You mean that colored square?

TAP:  Exactly.

PH:  Why would they do such an evil thing?  Why so quickly?

TAP:  They have to get the movie out there before they lose the name recognition.  In ten years nobody will know what a Rubik’s Cube is anymore because it’s not a smartphone application.

PH:  You’ve opened my eyes to a great evil but I find your assertion that the Rubik’s Cube movie is coming as dubious.

TAP:  How do you figure?

PH:  This is insane, what would the Cube do?

TAP:  I don’t know, fight Satan.

PH:  How is a Rubik’s Cube going to fight Satan?

TAP:  With, ah, with its mind.

PH:  …

TAP:  So like the cube will stump Satan because he can’t do math, and then he’ll surrender, and the Cube will walk away with the girl.

PH:  The Dark One’s enslaved the human race with hate and darkness for over five thousand years.  I’m pretty sure he can do complex math!

TAP:  Hey listen buddy, whose interview is this anyways?

PH:  Yes, yes, yours, publish your article!  Let your insanity widely disperse.  I stand by the ban.

TAP:  Article, yeah, so…

PH:  You represent the San Francisco Chronicle!  I agreed to this interview as such!

TAP:  Yeah, they’ve uh, they’ve got me on retainer.  I love Frisco.

PH:   …

TAP:  …

PH:  Do you have a card!?

TAP:  I have an Arcturan enforcer waiting for me outside in the parking lot.  He can’t go home until I do.

PH:  Can he fly me too? 

TAP:  Why?

PH:  I believe I have found an equitable solution to both our problems. 

TAP:  I’m listening.

In a shocking event the home of respected filmmaker Darren Aronofsky was found incinerated this morning.  His fate is unknown as police believe it will take weeks to search for his remains, should they exist inside.  Religious groups worldwide are acclaiming this as “God’s justice” for the “blasphemy” evident in his latest film Noah.  Studios worldwide are said to be considering a rethink of their plans for dozens of films “inspired by actual religions events”.

Now to our next story.  Police are hot on the case of a complaint from a local pirate themed bar of the “loud and disgusting” behavior of a trio of patrons (one dressed in an alien costume) who drank heavily, shouted at staff and other patrons, sang obnoxiously of their ‘victory’, punched a teenage waitress in the face, and rode the pirate mannequin out the door when threated with a police call.  The authorities are said to be investigating. 

NOAH

You know his name.  For the purposes of this film, his story is irrelevant.  Please relinquish your cash in an orderly manner.

Israel’s not going to make it

Today the Israeli parliament passed a law that removes the military service exception for Ultra-Orthodox citizens.  The bill went forward with a near unanimous vote.  That is, the entire opposition boycotted the vote.  Half the legislative body of the country does not understand the danger they are in.  The drama that accompanied this issue brings to mind a thought I’ve had for quite a while.  Israel’s not going to make it.

1) Israel has already lost the information war

Israel has learned the hard way that it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, just don’t let your situation become a “cause”.  Just ask anybody who is against homosexuals, for cigarettes or large sodas, for cancer, against immigration, loves obesity, for guns, or against whales.  Once you have received the mark of evil from the media and establishment elite, there is nothing you can do to escape.  You are a target for destruction and nobody cares how valid your cause is.

In this, Israel has their own arrogance to thank alongside a Palestinian leadership who has played the information game with mastery for almost two decades.  The result is Israel is the only country on Earth that is treated with hatred when it returns fire against people who lob rockets at school bus stops.

The people of the world are not going to lift a finger to help Israel should it find itself in a true existential crisis.  You might think that eventually America would find a way, even if it did so alone.  Think again.  Public opinion has changed in America as well, mostly in the last five years.  Want to know what the world will do if Israel was truly in danger of elimination?  Take a look at Crimea.  The response on Israel’s behalf will be equally as effective.

2) The world’s Jews don’t care about Israel

For whatever reason, most of the rest of the world’s Jews do not care.  Public opinion among Jews has also moved partially against Israel and its actions.  I’m not going to really argue the details of why.  That takes a book.  To be honest, I don’t really get it, but I suspect it’s because Jews are not the supranational block people think they are.

Jews can disagree and fold into disparate groups just like anybody else.  A Jew in America is an American first and can join the anti-Israel cause alongside their neighbor.  They separate themselves from Israel because they have no connection with the country other than their religion.  For most Jews, like the rest of the growing secular world, the influence of religion is steadily declining.  In the old days Israel could count upon the world’s Jews for money, bodies, or influence.  Those days are over.

3) Peace will never occur

Peace between the Palestinians and Israel is never going to happen.  Ever.  The sides are just too far apart in their demands.  The hatred is too deep.  There are too many people who will sabotage the process.  If you are a Zionist or a member of the governing Israeli coalition, you probably find this appealing.  If so, you’re an idiot.

Israel is not in a position to survive a future based upon the status quo.  In order to retain the current circumstances Israel would need to import more Jewish immigrants, have more babies, or strike oil under the Tel Aviv beaches to buy everybody off.  In this sense, the influx of Jewish immigrants from the old Soviet Union may have bought Israel an extra decade of ignoring the reality of demographics.

There are simply going to be more Arab babies, both inside and outside Israel, than Jewish babies.  Why is this a problem?  Over time it’s going to be readily apparent that Israel can be a Jewish apartheid state or a multi-cultural democracy.  They can’t have both because there won’t be enough Jews to vote a Jewish majority in a functioning democracy.  The alternative is to deny Arabs the vote and thus further incur the wrath of folks who have taken up the anti-Israel cause.

Israel is already on the world’s hit list.  It just cannot sustain the further degradation that comes with attempting to maintain a Jewish majority where there is none.  Is peace the answer?  Maybe not, but it’s the only option short of having more kids.

Israel has to cut some kind of deal with the Palestinians that guarantees its Jewish future while everybody else can’t look at birth rates and conduct basic math.  Otherwise, once the apartheid line is crossed, it’s only a matter of time.  Just ask your militant Afrikaner neighbor.  Nobody can survive forever once the entire international community collectively has your demolition in mind.

4) In the end, the country will slay itself

Since almost the beginning of Israel’s founding the Ultra-Orthodox military exception has existed.  At the time they were a very small minority.  Depending on how you count them, they now make up between one-in-ten to a full quarter of Israel’s population.  Their “men” do not work.  They rely upon religion, the state, and their wives to feed them.  In a country surrounded by enemies, they will not carry a weapon or lift a finger to help the state.  They feel this way not because they are selfish; even worse, they see it as their right.

I cannot think of a more glaring illustration of a country intent on destroying itself.  That they now have to serve in the military does not mean they will serve in combat units or even an effective support unit.  In fact, the Israeli army tends to treat them with disgust due their lack of motivation and low performance standards.  Yet the Ultra-Orthodox have the highest Jewish birth rate in the country by an exponential factor.  In the end, they’ll get whatever country they vote for themselves.

Israel has survived this long by maintaining a patriotic, dedicated population ready to sacrifice their lives and future to maintain the survival of the state.  In a country where a significant minority, and half the legislature, is willing to allow what one day might be the largest group inside the country to ignore service, it’s over folks.  It’s just over before it begins.

They all think it’s going to last forever.  That’s a common trait in human history.  A society, culture, or country typically does not acknowledge the danger until it’s too late.  Maybe you can’t blame them given the victorious history these last sixty years.  But they don’t live in Paris.  They live in arguably the most dangerous ground in human history.  If you can’t pick up a gun to defend your rights, you’re going to get killed, change religion, or run away.  I recommend the Ultra-Orthodox think hard on this, because if I’m right, within say fifty years, they’ll have to pick one of these options.

ultras

More dangerous to their country’s future than an Iranian nuke

We only care because they told us to

I ask you friends, do you honestly care about the Oscar Pistorius trial?  I hope your answer’s no, because if it’s yes just please go away.  You’re not welcome here.

We all love drama right?  In the movies, television, and books?  But the best kind of drama is the one in real life.  Oh, how awesome is it!  And with the Pistorius trial we get the very best traits too!  We’ve got an international Olympic star with no legs.  An extremely attractive woman brutally shot.  Guns.  Screaming.  A guy with no legs.  An austere, little known (for the ignorant West) location in South Africa.  A beautiful girl.  Guns.  And a bathroom door.

If I was to set up a lawn chair inside a courtroom, eat popcorn, and cackle loudly like an asshole as people’s lives were destroyed, I’d be considered a horrible human being.  But our blessed media has made billions doing just that.  They then provide this experience to the popcorn eating masses so they can escape from their dreary lives by indulging in the misery of others.  Maybe we should just watch more sports instead.  At least in sports there’s a clear winner.

Hey friends, you do know that these people’s lives are completely obliterated right?  There is no winner from the Pistorius trial.  Everybody loses.  Her especially, but also him, South African society, the police, the courts, and so on.  In fact, pretty much everybody but the media is taking a shot in the face (pun intended).

Perhaps I’m just being my usual cheery self.  I mean, this is a long lasting human tradition.  I’m pretty sure when Caveman Steve bent in Caveman Al’s skull with a rock that the entire cave was gossiping about it for seven weeks as the tribal council determined what body part to take from Caveman Steve.  Still, we’re supposed to evolve right?

As a free thinking sentient human being you have no reason to care about Pistorius, Knox, or Caveman Steve.  The media only wants you to care so they can get your eyes and they can make a bunch of cash.  Just ignore it, you’re better off.

death

Yes, yes, please come listen to my delightful tale.

News Muster – 20 February 2014

Congratulations on observing the First Annual (not annual) Arcturus Project News Muster.  As mentioned previously, life has somewhat collapsed for the author, so what the hell, why not this?  I’ll have fun writing it.  The way these posts will work is you read the bizarre text and enjoy it.  If you don’t adore this style of posts you can:
a)  Post a comment on this web zone informing me how much I suck

b)  Never visit this blog again

c)  Return to visit at a later time when you may find a post more favorable

d)  Enslave humanity (because, you know, why not?)

 

1)  TSA informs populace of latest Arcturan threat

The Arcturus Project News

The United States Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has issued its latest travel alert warning of possible danger from recent Arcturan efforts.
The agency did not mention any specific threat, capability, or fact but emphasized that passengers should remain vigilant.  “We want the traveler to understand that at any moment, they could die.  Air travel is dangerous,” said TSA official Steve Shiftyeyes, “You could get run over by the airport handicap buggy any day you step inside the terminal.”

This announcement comes on the heels of recent TSA warnings of potential toothpaste bombs against flights bound for the Olympics at Sochi.

The statement met with criticism from scientists who declared their concerns with the TSA’s methodology.  Said Dr Stanislaw Human of the Hopkins Institute for Applied Physics, “This threat makes no sense.  Even if the Arcturans could get here, why would they travel thirty-seven light years only to blow up an airplane?  That’d be like flying halfway across the world just to punch a kid in the stomach at his birthday party.”

TSA administrators nevertheless emphasized the importance of being watchful at all times pointing out the number of airplanes destroyed by terrorism in the last decade.  “These measures keep our skies safe,” said Shiftyeyes, “And your safety is our number one priority.  Why else would we do this?”

 

2)  Japanese renew pledge to make radiation “a friend”

The Arcturus Project News

Tokyo Electric (TEPCO) acknowledged that yet another large quantity of radioactive water was released from the decommissioned Fukushima nuclear plant.  In the newest in a series of deliberate acts TEPCO announced that a value was opened at Fukushima to allow the hazardous water to “become one with the sea”.

TEPCO dismissed fervent admonitions from the World Health Organization (WHO) that such consistent acts created water safety levels twenty times in excess of the widely considered healthy limit.  The valve opening is said to be part of a wider strategy by TEPCO to make radiation a consistent part of the renowned Japanese culture.

“The WHO’s concerns are valid, but entirely misplaced,” said Ryuichi Incompetentsan, a TEPCO Senior Manager, “They would imply that we don’t know what we’re doing.  We Japanese perfected just-in-time assembly lines, sushi, the zoo, and once enchained Asia.  We’re doing this on purpose because only by making radiation a friend can we truly hope to overcome its negative effects.”

Citizens of the nearby city of Iwaki seemed optimistic of TEPCOs acts.  “They know what they’re doing,” remarked one local shopper, “We’re happy to let them take the lead on this honorable effort.  I think if we just let them do what they think is best we can only hope that radiation becomes the next export.”

TEPCO promised that the next maneuver in their plan would be even stronger.  Industry watchers predicted the next action could be the release of a radioactive plume or the methodical exposure of a worker to lethal doses of toxic rays.

 

3)  An interview with Nigeria’s interim central bank governor

The Arcturus Project News

The Arcturus Project News spoke with Boseda Corruptus, recently appointed by President Goodluck Jonathan as Interim President of Nigeria’s Central Bank.

TAP:  Thanks for speaking with us via telephone.

BC:  My pleasure.

TAP:  Why was your predecessor fired?

BC:  Mr Sanusi has been suspended and not sacked.

TAP:  But he was accused of “misconduct”?

BC:  He’ll be back; he’s done nothing worse than the rest of us.

TAP:  Ah, I see, wait what?

BC:  I don’t know how much he’s taken, but whatever it is it’s a shit-ton less than me and the others.

TAP:  …

BC:  Are you still on the line?

TAP:  Uh, yeah, I’m here.  So, ah, … (flips pages, throws notes) so Mr Sanusi’s accusations of flagrant oil theft are substantiated?

BC:  Are you living under a rock?  What do you think happens to the oil money?  You think Jonathan wants this talked about before the election?  We need to at least pretend, so whether Sanusi’s on the take or not, he needed to go away for a while until we’re done buying votes.

TAP:  Wow, so, these are all very significant statements, do you understand what you’re saying?

BC:  Fuck you.  What are you going to do about it?  I’m shit-faced on $400 a bottle cognac right now.  Everybody knows we’re thieves; we’ve stolen billions every year as long as I’ve been in government.  Nothing ever changes.  Nobody ever goes to jail.  Why should I care what you think?

TAP:  But, well, you have a responsibility to the people.

BC:  I give them some, I give them some.  But they know how the game is played.  If a peasant from Kano and I switched places, he’d rob me too.

TAP:  So is there any hope of this situation improving?

BC:  Improving what?  What are you talking about?

TAP:  So financial responsibility, transparency, democracy, and so on?

BC:  What are you?  A communist?  How do you think things work here?  I’m all for freedom, but I have to live in the real world.

TAP:  Would it surprise you that a guy on the street in Lagos might see it differently?  Maybe they want a better future and to them you’re just a thug?

BC:  (unintelligible profanity)  Listen buddy, who are you anyways?  (unintelligible profanity)  (phone line terminated)

TAP:  Man, I didn’t even get to ask him whether the dismissal was legal.  (off tape mutterings)  What?  (off tape mutterings)  Well, yeah, I guess he wouldn’t have understood the question.

(end tape)

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-26266491

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-26254140

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-26270561

 

buddy

Come closer friend.  You look like you need a hug.