It’s perfectly normal to have a live listening device inside the privacy of your home, say trendy tech savvy people.
Author Archives: gentlebenno
oh, no, it’s happening again :(
Why do we do this other stuff? Why not. If nothing else, football gives us a chance to relax from the deeper issues we post here at TAP. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to a third blog to post (one way or the other) about my opinions on the latest FBI firing.
Either that, or jump over to our sister site. Bask in the high quality website design. Pay no attention whatsoever to the actual written content. Either way.
enforcing the customs of a land not your own
Learning how other people live is one of the great joys of travel. It enriches your life and generally makes you understand humanity and appreciate home more. But it can also get weird, the kind of experience that makes you think deeply. Or write about it on a garbage blog penned by a closet lunatic.
In America when you get fruits or vegetables at the grocery, the checkout cashier is the one who enters the appropriate code, weighs / counts the produce, and determines the price you pay. Where I currently live, there is a separate and distinct produce counter that performs this function.
I learned this the hard way when I first showed up at the till and they got mad at me. I actually kind of like this process a lot better. Though America will never change to it because we prefer the brute force method.
In America, depending on what caliber of cashier you get, you can spend a long time just sitting there while they confusingly look up the appropriate four digit produce code. I buy a heroic amount of fruits and vegetables so this is a big deal for me. When you have a tailored produce cashier, it’s all they do, and so they fly. They know the codes cold, and it’s nice and quick.
Anyways, yesterday I get in line at the produce checkout. I’ve got fifteen or so items. I’m behind a middle-aged housewife who has more than me. The checkout lady is doing her thing. I lay out my items behind the housewife and wait my turn. Then a guy steps up next to me and puts his one bag on the counter in front of mine.
So essentially this guy has cut in line without saying a word to me. A foreigner like me, he looks like a bald Jeremy Corbyn (which probably explains his behavior). Without saying a word, I give this guy the death eyes. This causes him to mumble something and pick up his bag. Then a series of thoughts occurred in my simpleton brain in quick succession:
– Why are you making an issue of this? It really doesn’t matter. We humans are all just shadows and dust. Your bleached skeleton status awaits.
– Is there some local custom where since I have like fifteen things, and he has just one, that he can cut in line and it’s just cool, he doesn’t have to say anything?
– Or, even if he’s just a jerk, who cares? Be the better man.
So after I got two of my produce scanned, I stopped the checkout lady, and motioned to Jeremy to get his one item scanned. He nodded thank you and moved on. And I’m left to ponder my thoughts about culture and morality and whatever.
BUT, then I turn around and see there are six people in line behind me. Some of them have only one or two items too. And, some of them are elderly. So it’s not culture, it’s just this guy was a jerk. He was just probably a guy who takes candy from street urchins on the 1835 Paris streets.
Dude should have gotten in line like everyone else.
That’s it! My Guests and I shall summon our good old friend Enforcement Drone Version 2.09 (ED209) as our assistant in resolving this matter. We’ll enforce the customs of this foreign land on our own!
1) Guilt
Jeremy wrongly cuts in produce checkout line. ED209 saunters up and wryly comments to the individual in his stale robot voice.
ED209: ATTENTION SIR, THERE IS A LINE. CAN YOU NOT SEE THE ELDERLY INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE PATIENTLY WAITING WHILE YOU ARE NOT? WHY DO YOU HATE THE ELDERLY? HOW DO YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT?
2) Shame
ED209 walks up, observes Jeremy has cut in line. ED209 then activates his video streaming device.
ED209: ATTENTION SIR, THIS INCIDENT HAS BEEN RECORDED ON VIDEO, WITH SPECIAL ATTENTION PAID TO THE FACES OF THE ELDERLY THAT YOU CUT AHEAD OF. COPIES OF THIS INCIDENT WILL BE PROVIDED TO ALL RELEVANT MEMBERS OF YOUR EXTENDED FAMILY. REPEAT COPIES WILL BE MAILED TO THEM ON ALL YOUR FUTURE BIRTHDAYS.
3) Fear
ED209 walks up and shoots the individual in the kneecap.
ED209: YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF OUR ESTABLISHMENT’S PRODUCE SANITARY STANDARDS. WE WILL INSIST YOU PAY FULL PRICE FOR YOUR BLOOD SPATTERED FRUIT. WE WILL DENY ENTRY TO YOUR PERSON IN THE FUTURE TO AVOID FURTHER COMPLICATIONS.
4) Punishment
Jeremy cuts in line. When he gets back to his car he finds ED209 has combusted it in an orgy of fire and flames.
ED209: YOU WILL NOW BE ASSESSED THE VARIOUS FEES ASSOCIATED WITH THE FORTHCOMING FIRE DEPARTMENT RESPONSE, THE SCRAP STEEL REMOVAL FEES, AND VARIOUS GENERAL ENVIRONMENTAL FINES.
5) Morality
ED209 forces him to sit down for a five hour chat on the various moral considerations involved with cutting in line, making a clear case for the values of a balanced ethical society.
6) Apathy
ED209 observes Jeremy, offers no comment or correction, hoping over time the individual in question establishes some type of internal corrective action guided by conscience.
Which ones of these will work? I’ll let you decide.
“Great work at the produce checkout today. Fist bump, my brother!” [ED209 shatters every bone in my hand; my screams are heard in the grocery parking lot]
Geoffrey’s bound for the woodshed
Does anybody remember Geoffrey the Giraffe? To be honest, until this morning I’d completely forgotten he existed. Even reading the articles about how Toys R Us is finished didn’t prompt me to remember. Only when I started to write this post did I recall.
Here’s the backstory. In 1948 following service in The War, Charles P. Lazarus descended into the African jungle in search of nothing but the highest quality products he could sell to the people, namely bicycles. He employed the finest in German explorers (unemployed since May 1945), coolies, and technology. After getting lost in the bush, soon only Lazarus remained alive. Soon to expire, he awoke from his pre-death slumber held in the firm embrace of one Geoffrey the Giraffe.
As he was slowly nursed back to health over many months, Geoffrey explained to Lazarus that the real money was in selling toys and baby products to the Boomer generation. Lazarus agreed to implement Geoffrey’s plan, but only on the condition that Geoffrey ended his self-imposed three-thousand year isolation and rejoin the known world. And so for near seven decades Toys R Us existed and Geoffrey delighted millions with his special powers.
Well, that was fun, but now the ride is over. Geoffrey is said to have tried to make a break for it. He’d procured tickets on a tramp steamer bound from Brooklyn to Kinshasa. But assassins in the pay of Kohlberg Kravis Roberts Bain Capital (who own Toys R Us) got him on the quay at 3am as he was trying to sneak up the mooring line. Rather than rejoin the jungle to wait for three-thousand years again, Geoffrey’s getting taken to the woodshed. At KKR Bain’s exclusive Adirondack retreat. But KKR Bain’s Masters are merciful, the deed will be done quickly.
It’ll be hard for future generations to understand just how central Toys R Us once was to the American experience. Now, gone. Any coincidence that it’s end came as a result of a private equity firm mismanaging it and filling it up with endless debt? I think not. I’m sure KKR made billions in profit off Toys R Us’ demise. But it still doesn’t change the long term dive in retail.
Six months ago after a personal experience with bad stores, I predicted the doom of retail. I thought this would take decades. But perhaps the rout has already begun.
Maybe in less than a decade there will only be the following physical stores left:
– Ultra Cheap Retail (Dollar Tree, Family Dollar, etc)
– Cheap Retail (Walmart, Target, etc)
– Niche Rich (Starbucks, Small Bookstore, Craft (of any variety), etc)
– Groceries
– Restaurants
– Pharmacies
– Home Improvement
And in the end, maybe it won’t be that bad after all. I took a look at the top 50 retailers in America. Of all those 50, here are the ones that don’t fit into my list:
Best Buy
Macy’s
TJX
Sears
Kohl’s
Nordstrom
Ross
JC Penny
Gap
L Brands
Bed, Bath, and Beyond
Toys R Us was #62. So that’s roughly 15-20% of all stores are doomed. That’s a lot, but it’s not like it’s 50%. So I guess the rout / realignment has already started.
Poor Geoffrey, RIP.
oh, no, it’s happening again :(
Why do we do this other stuff? Why not. If nothing else, football gives us a chance to relax from the deeper issues we post here at TAP. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to a third blog to post (one way or the other) about my opinions on NFL players kneeling or standing during the national anthem.
Either that, or jump over to our sister site. Bask in the high quality website design. Pay no attention whatsoever to the actual written content. Either way.
Giant Octopi, The Little Guy, and the curse of the Trump lens
I would gather that if I walked up to ten people on America’s streets and asked them what Qualcomm is, nine of them would provide one of these answers:
1) the quality control program my stupid boss(es) make me use
2) an internet or phone company
3) a robot assassin bent on revenge for the untimely murder of his girl
4) a blank stare indicating the person’s desire not to talk to idiots like me
Only one in ten would know they’re carrying Qualcomm in their pockets. If the brave new modern world is one where your smartphone is more important than having two functioning hands, then Qualcomm is more important to your life than your ability to digest food.
Qualcomm chips and semiconductor technology run in almost every new thing of the internet age. They have a monopoly on the business that would make even the most jaded of 19th Century railroad tycoons sweat with envy.
For years Qualcomm has been investigated, fined, sued, yelled at by its customers, rivals, and competitors as one of the very worst of the Giant Octopi. Qualcomm’s two biggest current problems are a massive lawsuit from Apple (which I find delicious given Apple’s known desire to cheat its own customers) and a $1.2B fine from the EU’s competition watchdogs. Over the last decade Qualcomm has likely kept food on the table for at least 13,487 lawyers, judges, court clerks, court security guards, and court security doggies.
Nobody knows about these things or cares. To them, their Apple or Samsung smartphone is Apple or Samsung. They don’t know or care that the chip that makes it all possible is from Qualcomm.
(As a brief aside, you need to admire the gall, guile, and skill of Intel’s marketing goons that got them front and center in the psyche of every computer user on the planet. In the 1990’s anybody who knew anything about a computer knew about Intel chips. You bought computers based on what Intel processor it had, and barely cared whether Dell or Compaq made the overall machine.)
So for those who don’t know what Qualcomm is, or are too busy wondering who Jennifer Aniston’s ninth husband will be, Qualcomm has been under a hostile takeover bid by Broadcom. Broadcom is another chipmaker based in Singapore. The purchase price offered was $117B. Yes, $117B. Or enough money to manufacture ten large aircraft carriers with swanky Slavic tracksuit racing stripes included.
This deal was always controversial because it would have further increased a trend in American business lately: CONSOLIDATION. There are only four major American airlines left. There are three major American cellular providers. Americans pay four or five times more for cable internet compared to other Western nations, and get slower speeds for the privilege.
So it was always a concern that Qualcomm and Broadcom could become one company, when Qualcomm is already essentially a Monopoly Man of the Giant Octopi. The question was if the Trump administration would allow the deal to proceed, or block it on anti-trust grounds?
Well, all of that’s changed yesterday. What’s happened instead is Trump has disallowed the deal on national security grounds. Essentially, USA is not going to allow THE American internet chipmaker to be owned by foreigners. Trump signed an order as such.
The Washington Post, as the newspaper of the capital, thus covers this story.
Because this is politics, and it’s DC, the article must of course focus upon Trump. According to the Post, Trump has signed this order because of his “protectionist instincts”. They even got some guy (everybody loves the anonymous quote now) to state that Trump wants the lesson “don’t screw with the government” and that the order is “brutal”. Again, “It smacks of anger on the part of the government to me. This feels a little more personal to me.” How dramatic. I’m seething with excitement at the rage drama associated with this esoteric technology topic.
So what we have here is a situation where one of the worst Monopoly Man companies on the planet wants to merge with another member of the Giant Octopi and then make the situation for the consumer even worse with a super-super Giant Octopi company. The US government stops this effort, for any reason at all, and the answer of the capital’s newspaper is it’s about Trump? Really?
You know, I’ve avoided saying this for a long time, because to me there’s almost no point addressing Trump. It is what it is. People think what they’ll think. Many people seem to have a visceral emotional reaction to Trump (one way or the other) that I just can’t understand. But essentially it’s this: Trump will be gone someday (likely in three years). Trump is who he is, for all the awfulness that he is. But one day he’ll be gone. But the Washington Post will still be here.
If I was a member of The Washington Post, I think I’d make it a point to understand that. Because essentially what has happened is The Washington Post, The New York Times, and most other major news organizations have mortgaged what little benign credibility they had left, in order to get at one singular man. I get it, I hate Trump too, but that credibility is never going to return. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not naïve, and certainly wasn’t before Trump came onto the scene, but it’s gone over the edge.
Hey remember when it was generally considered suspicious when a newspaper article quoted anonymous sources? Now it seems every news article is based on anonymous sources. Now I guess we just have to take it on faith that they didn’t get the quote from some guy down by the Sizzler. But seeing as how we can’t trust them [get Trump at any price] why would I believe anything an anonymous source says?
I’m never going to look at The Washington Post the same way again. It will always be an organization whose handlers sold their souls and journalistic integrity to get at one guy. To the point that they can’t even write an article about one of the most consequential technology topics of this year, without making it all about Trump.
Normally this wouldn’t be a massive problem. You’d be like, whatever, go read another newspaper each day. True. Except that every, single, person, in DC who makes decisions (Democrat or Republican) reads the Post every day. As in, the people who run government, and make decisions that impact people’s lives every day, are fed information by a publication that essentially has no credibility. That’s not a good place for any democracy to be in.
If the Post was a responsible newspaper, or at least understood their place in society, they would cover the Broadcom / Qualcomm deal through the lens of the status of monopolies, how the deal impacts American consumers (who pay more each day for their stuff because Qualcomm is corrupt), and also address the completely valid national security implications of handing Qualcomm to a foreign buyer. But instead, it’s about Trump and Trump and Trump, and the Trump lens. For everything.
That doesn’t help the Little Guy, it doesn’t help America, and that’s a sad, sad thing.
That this deal is dead, for any reason at all, is a good thing.
we analyze history to determine Xi’s future
Great news, everybody! As if the planet didn’t have enough problems, the most powerful man on the planet today just became a dictator. Now, lots of folks will claim that the title of most powerful should be Trump?
Nope. First off, Trump is too insane to be powerful, and in any case the power of any American President is severely constrained by the balance between branches of government.
In terms of raw power, the ability of one man to say a word and things immediately happen, it’s Xi. Here’s Xi applauding his own genius today after the rubber stamp goon squad parliament approved his ‘president for life’ title with a 99% vote.
Where will China be or go under one man rule with absolute total power? Hmm, well, let’s take a look at history to see how dictators actually perform by the track record:
failed artist
body count higher than Hitler’s
greatest serial killer in human history
hated by more Americans than Trump
presided over a Hollywood that molested it’s own women, did nothing about it, but oh man, he’s, he’s just so good looking
defenestration extraordinaire
The genius of America’s Founding Fathers was their understanding that no human being is capable of effectively and morally exercising unconstrained power. Trump is the reason America’s government is slow, ineffective, and dirty. They wrote the Constitution with the understanding that one day a Trump might be president.
America has had terrible, terrible presidents before too. I’m looking at you James Buchanan. But the country in general can move on. In three years when Trump is gone (unless the Democrats do something unserious, like nominate Oprah) the country will move on mostly the same.
To put it bluntly, humans suck. We’re a total mess. No one person is good enough or smart enough or talented enough to rule without checks on their person. Even Lincoln, who is in the running for greatest human who ever lived, made mistakes and it was fortunate that he had other people (like an aggressive Congress) to challenge him. It made him better.
Xi seems like a smart guy, but apparently doesn’t understand history. He thinks China needs one man rule to deal with it’s challenges. But history is merciless. And it shows us that dictators fail. China has many problems that require strong balanced leadership. But as of today, China’s biggest problem is Xi.
don’t know what to raffle? we’re here to help
They’re running a raffle at my work right now. People give money against their fellow employee’s name. The person with the most money off the draw on their name gets a pie in the face. They then take the money for the employee recreational fund. I don’t know how this is legal. Current workplace behavior laws are at the point it’s against the rules to ask a person what they had for dinner last night because that’s personal business. But we can hit somebody with a pie? I wonder what would happen if the person refused? Would they get held down by multiple people in some type of weird pie based hazing ritual?
I guess they could have raffled a gun? That’d be really fun. For, I guess, this is something people actually do. Lost among the usual recent, and entirely futile, gun violence headlines is this thing I saw where people are upset that a few (as in, more than one) active workplace raffles on the planet involve winning an AR-15. I don’t know how this is legal either. In most cases (local gun laws are more complex than trying to follow a Brazilian soap opera) I think the way it’s supposed to work is if you buy an assault rifle it’s for you. I’m not sure how you buy one, and then raffle it off like it’s a fruit basket.
Whatever. Both these raffle ideas are terrible. But don’t worry! We at TAP are here to help. Please pay attention as we explain how you can execute the very best of workplace raffles. Your cooperation, as always, is truly appreciated. As always, we truly desire to keep liquidation to an absolute minimum.
– Baby Lemur!
What’s the point in raffling a puppy or kitty? Boring. Everybody does that. Step up your game! Nobody on the planet has ever raffled a baby lemur. Trailblazing is one of the exciting parts of life. Live your life to the fullest! Can you imagine the look on your smiling coworker’s face when they awake at 3am and this little guy is perched on their comforter? What a moment! Little dude looks like a serial killer. I wonder if those eyes glow in the dark. That’d be awesome.
– Five Gallon Can of Unleaded Gasoline!
Everybody needs gas for things, cars, lawnmowers, torching the local Kia dealership, tire fire riots against the establishment, and so on. You rig the bidding by generating a fake news article (it’s easy nowadays, apparently) saying that the Saudi Aramco terminal in Dhahran exploded. Gas prices are going to triple overnight. But you, of all workplaces, are prepared as you have this can sitting on the break table. Be advised, most humans are crazy, so after showing the article you’ll need a security guard to watch the can and escort the winner out of the building.
– One Ham Sandwich!
Keep raffle costs down to the bare minimum with this most classic of winning lunchtime creations. What’s that you say? Nobody will ever bid on a ham sandwich? Wrong. This is where you’ll need the support of your boss(es). Most workplaces are traditionally run by fear, or incompetence, or both. It’s why Dilbert exists. All you need is for your superiors to threaten to fire anybody who doesn’t bid on the sandwich. They’ll be joking (hopefully) but only you and your boss(es) will know that.
– Battered VHS Copy of E.T.!
Oh man, I haven’t seen this film in two decades. Remember the heartwarming scene where the FBI guys accidently shoot Elliott and fumble around trying to get the burner gun into Elliott’s little fingers while they erase their body cam footage? And then E.T. uses his powers to explode all their brains inside their skulls in a grim vengeful rage, calmly saying “Elliott” as he methodically downs each screaming FBI guy one-by-one? Man, I loved that part as a kid the best. Oh, and somebody will bid on this tape. There’s at least one hipster in every office.
– Toy Car!
It is within our base human nature to be incessantly cruel to one another. If you doubt me, kindly take a stroll through any Walmart parking lot. The raffle is openly for a toy car. But you get the office jerk (most have more than one option) to begin leaking that he heard the boss say the car is a real car. The enthusiasm will build and somebody will win hoping that it’s true and that their life is about to change. Instead you mike drop the toy car on them and walk out. That somebody else is miserable will greatly increase the overall quality of your day.
– M134 Minigun!
If you can get away with raffling off a rifle why would you set your expectations so low? Show your employees you have the imagination and determination necessary to exceed even the most ridiculous of standards. Plus, as the Las Vegas shooting has shown a standard AR-15 isn’t enough anymore. In order to truly defend yourself you need firepower. And man, does this baby deliver! As long as you don’t happen to encounter an alien in a jungle, you’re good to go.
– Complementary Copy of TV Guide!
The most irrelevant of magazines is a good star of your raffle because it will only highlight how far we’ve come as a human race since the days where its use was actually needed. Think of it, once you had to use TV Guide to figure out what was on tonight. Now your television can tell you that electronically. Granted, mass shootings are 73 times more prevalent, our politicians are insane, giraffes still roam the Earth, and we’re poisoning our oceans (and bloodstreams) with minute particles of plastic, but, but really, your television’s got the guide in it now. Progress!
the strange journey of the worst (but just possibly, eventually, the best) Super Bowl viewing ever
The Giant Octopus and Roger Goodell’s Manservant that is the NFL likes to claim the Super Bowl is the biggest game all year. This is true if you ignore the World Cup final every four years. It also ignores various one off potential annual events such as a royal wedding, the alien invasion ultimatum beamed from the surface of the Moon, non-existent presidential impeachment proceedings, a cat barking like a dog online, or competitive cheese grating competitions.
So you’d figure the only place the NFL wouldn’t want you to watch the game is on said surface of the Moon. Otherwise catching your eyeballs is meant to be easy, so that you watch, and they make more money, right? Nope. I remain constantly astounded at how traditional media makes it as difficult as possible to watch their product. If you want to understand why Netflix is eating the souls of traditional television, I give you this tale.
I am abroad for over one year. I want to watch the Super Bowl. After extensive research I determine only one local cable television provider is allowed to broadcast the game in this country. To demonstrate the absurdity of this, I offer you the comparison that say Verizon would be deemed the only cable company in the US allowed to show the game.
I do not possess said cable company. So my options are to troll a local bar at 4am, which is too much, even for me, or to watch the game online. Thankfully, NBC Sports is offering and widely promoting that this Super Bowl is special and is going to be streamed online. Great, done. I test the NBC link, it works, I go to bed early.
I awake early morning and am ready to watch. The link doesn’t work, NBC Sports shows a blank screen. After much frantic research I get to the fine print of the NBC Sports help page where the answer to: “Why doesn’t your fucking player work like you said it would?” Is answered by: “Oh, by the way, though we don’t say so clearly up front, if you’re not in the US, the player won’t work, thanks, and go fuck yourself. Signed, NBC.”
So I guess my recourse is to what? Go get wasted in a local bar and get into a cage fight with an intoxicated Eagles fan who’s throwing batteries at the likewise intoxicated Pats fan down the bar? Or, that I should purchase this other one singular cable company just to watch this one game?
Does anybody actually do that, switch cable providers just to watch one game? Is that what they’re angling for? Because if not, I don’t quite see the benefit to NBC, or the NFL, or to any Giant Octopus organization gained by denying my eyeballs the opportunity to easily watch the game and thus their advertisements. If this happened to me, it likely happened to millions of others when you consider the NFL wants north of 100 million worldwide to watch this game. That’s not a minor rounding error in eyeballs.
I thought, for a brief moment, to just go back to bed. I did not, because I’m a sucker, and because I really, really wanted to catch this game. It was important. For you see, even though folks were calling for a Pats blowout, I anticipated a good game. Also, while I’m abroad, some kind folks are watching my precious, precious doggies. They live in Jersey. They are Eagles fans.
I can’t stand the Eagles. I love my team. So do my dogs, they told me so before I left. But my team is out of it. So when my doggy host family says to me, gee, are you okay if we put Eagles bandanas on your dogs like we do with our dogs? I essentially have no choice. I have to go along with it. They’re awesome people, so sure, go ahead.
And so my precious, precious doggies have Eagles bandanas (oh god, please help me) on during the Eagles’ underdog win over the Falcons. And so my precious, precious doggies have Eagles bandanas (oh god, please help me) on during the Eagles’ underdog win over the Vikings. And after going 2-0 with a backup quarterback? Well, by that point they’ve got it in their heads that my dogs are the key.
As long as the bandanas are on my dogs, my precious, precious doggies (oh god, please help me) the Eagles’ have an underdog win over the Pats. So I have to catch the game. Because I think it’ll be good, and because I’m texting the host family and me Ma during the game. It’s expected, I have to be a part of the experience because my precious, precious doggies are apparently more important than Jason Peters’ ACL.
So what do I do? I get the game via radio. I hang out in my flat for three darkened early morning hours and listen to the game via internet radio like it’s 1937. During this time, I’m texting me Ma and the host family via WhatsApp. I get bombarded by incessant pictures of my precious, precious doggies wearing Eagles bandanas. My oldest is smiling widely in most of these pictures, my youngest is apathetic and asleep. It’s all good, I miss them.
And I follow along via the radio while they have the live broadcast back home. They see it, I hear it, and we’re texting within seconds of one another with our wows and surprise at what ends up being one of the great Super Bowls of all time.
I get Kevin Harlan to call the game, and he’s quite good. Then I get Boomer Esiason as the color and he’s constantly reminding the audience why HE would have called the play differently, thus reminding said audience why Boomer is relegated to a radio vice television existence. They also have Mike Holmgren to do analysis, which was news to me as I thought Holmgren was either (a) dead or (b) in the toll booth business.
It was my worst Super Bowl ever, loser that I am. I’m in some dank, lifeless, stale flat alone with cheap beer in the early hours of the morning listening to a game on the radio and texting home and my precious, precious doggies have Eagles bandanas on. It was one of those: “You’ve wasted your fucking life” moments.
Except that it wasn’t. Halfway across the world I could connect with family, my host family, and my dogs. I followed the game with the same level of emotion as if I’d seen it on a screen. When poor, poor Tommy got strip sacked I screamed out loud with giddy joy. I was there, and in it. I’m not an Eagles fan, I hate them, but man did I ever want to see the Pats go down.
And I wonder, years down the road, if the bizarre nature of my viewing experience, and all those wonderful texts, and what a great game it was, will in the end be the greatest Super Bowl I’ll ever live through.
Oh man, was this ever sweet. Must have been the bandanas.
don’t let rich men own your brain
We’re back! After an unrelated 16 month absence. Did you miss us? No? Oh, well, uh, so that’s too bad, we, we thought folks missed us. [cricket, cricket, cricket]
And we’re back to talk about what important topic to humanity? War? Politics? Dwarves? Deep seated cultural problems? Elves? Fine culinary tactics? Nope. Instead we’re on to the most important topic of the day: Why I now consistently hear people use the phrase, “Dilly, Dilly”.
I heard people use it on the airplane flying out here. I’ve heard people use it in the street. It keeps happening. Why? Because rich men own people’s brains. I guess.
This phrase first appeared during the Bud Light ads folks have seen during football games. It’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. Robbing from the ever-present Game of Thrones theme they basically just have a medieval court / king who worships Bud Light. And they slam back Bud Light and say “Dilly, Dilly” to each other as affirmation for their divine right to consume booze.
What they don’t show you is Bud Light “Dilly, Dilly” (After Dark) which is where the king is 13 Bud Lights into his evening and he screams at the queen, overturns many chairs, gets grabby with both male and female servants, and sentences numerous people to death by hippopotamus mauling. The commercial ends with The Usurper stabbing the king to death with a broken Bud Light bottle. Fade to black.
I suppose people think that “Dilly, Dilly” must have some cultural connotation or history outside the Bud Light ad? This would thus make it okay to say this phrase in full open view of the public. It does not. They literally made it up. It has no history or meaning outside a Bud Light ad that a bunch of very, very rich people made.
So why do people say it then? I have no idea. There’s got to be some facet or working function of the human brain I just can’t comprehend. Maybe I’m just a jaded contrarian who can’t see fun anywhere? Perhaps. But you’d have to slash me up with a broken Bud Light bottle for an extended length of time before I’m saying “Dilly, Dilly” in the course of my daily conversations with a fellow human being.
Don’t let rich men own your brain.
The Arcturus Project 