Monthly Archives: March 2014

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Your future skeleton would appreciate it if you just calmed down

We’re all in a hurry.  We’ll be damned if we spend eight seconds to actually observe where we are rather than dragging out our damn smartphone to check our e-mail and/or texts for the 118th time of the day.  Forget reality, the digital world is so much better, right?  No, but everybody thinks it is.

I’ve spent an awful lot of time traveling lately.  New job, new responsibilities, and a new routine.  Be careful what job you wish for, folks.  You just might hate it an awful lot.  But if you’re lucky, as you hate it, you’ll also discover that it has certain gifts.  Like how it challenges and grows you in ways you’d otherwise not appreciate had you played it safe.

Anyways …, after traveling more times in the last four months than the last four years I’ve determined everybody is sprinting to the grave.  We’re just in an awful big hurry.  Folks run through airports, push through lines, jump through the security gates like the government pawns actually care, and generally are just total assholes.  And even when they get the privilege of doing nothing, like sitting at the airport gate?  Well, within two seconds the smartphone is out and they are either working or texting people whose names they can’t remember.

Hey, remember what it must have been like for a medieval farmer?  The grinding daily toil involved only talking to perhaps one-hundred people in his entire life?  And generally he moved at speeds that today would target him as worthy of a “mental retardation” diagnosis?  Well, how quaint was that?  You’re so fast and awesome that you can output the knowledge of all his life in six texts while you drink your $8 coffee and shove your way through the line.  “Out of my way eight year old little girl, you’re just too weak!”

I have determined that the worst offenders of this trend are, to my surprise, upper-middle-aged men accompanying their wives.  They move really fast, are on electronics every possible second, eat like starving rats, are short/angry with their wives, and move so fast that every second is apparently their last.  Except that it’s not, they just look like they’re on freaking meth.

(mumbling)  What?  (mumbling)  Where did that mirror come from?  (mumbling)  Well, fuck you, buddy, now listen… (mumbling)  Yeah?  (mumbling)  Okay, yeah, maybe.  (mumbling)  Okay, yeah, okay…

So, …, so I guess if you’re going to violate the laws of God and shit on your fellow man, perhaps you might as well admit that what really bothers you is you maybe see a shadow of your future self in such madness.  But then again, I have a phone that’s five years old and is held in place by fear.  So who really cares?  Well, me I guess.

Due to the aforementioned topics, I did something super insane, by my definition, a few weeks ago.  I was super late, that almost never happens, and just to see what I could discover, I sat down in a chair and absorbed reality for a bit.  What, you say?  So, are you just a freak?  Well, yes, but I challenge you, friends:

The next time you are very late for [something] I want to you to do this:

a) Briefly consider what your skeleton will look like after five years in the drink

b) Sit in a chair for five minutes and stare at the wall while you know you are extremely late

c) Bask in how absolutely nothing major in your life changes as a result

None of us is this important.  We’re all going too fast.  We all just need to calm down and enjoy life because we’re all dust very soon.  Slow down.  Be forgiving to your fellow man and woman.  We’re all in this together.  Enjoy it while you can.

grave

Whether I’m in heaven, hell, or nowhere, I assure you, I can’t remember that time I was late for something.

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Nigeria’s not going to make it

This post fulfills a promise I made to my military advisory council of ghosts a few weeks back.  So I guess we’re in quite the pessimistic mood lately.  We destroyed Israel a few days ago, now we’ll move on to Nigeria.

1) You can rob a country until it dies

The world’s greatest thieves don’t live in London or work on Wall Street.  They reside in mansions outside Lagos and Abuja.  Every year they steal more from one of the world’s poorest nations than bankers pilfer from the richest.  They siphon off billions each month.  Everybody knows they’re doing it.  Everybody knows who’s doing it.  Everybody knows they’re getting away with it.  The greatest mark of a successful crook is when you can rob at will and never get punished.  You can count the number of people convicted and jailed for capital corruption in Nigeria on one hand.

The breadth of corruption in Nigeria is hard to describe.  It’s beyond comprehension how vast and ingrained the evil is within the state and business community.  Generally people want to believe that folks will do the right thing.  How does this work when corruption is not part of the system, but is the system.  As currently configured, Nigeria’s government is not in place to govern, but to plunder.  It serves no other reasonable purpose.  Just ask your Nigerian neighbor who pays bribes, has no reliable electricity supply, is not safe, and drives over terrible roads.  What little filters down to the people is to appease them just enough so the government can continue to extract cash.  This trait is common within many countries but in Nigeria they’ve got it to an art.

Oil is often blamed for both creating and greasing this structure.  Yet oil is just the method, not the source, or the end.  Without oil this would still occur, the bandits would just be poorer.  So why do they get away with it?  They are in complete control.  In many nations those who govern and those who carry guns are two different aspects of the elite.  This causes competition and strife.  Nigeria’s gun carriers and pen pushers are the same people.  They work together to keep it going.  They compete with each other to reach and maintain their positions at the top, but are very good at understanding that you can’t push too hard against one another.  Push too hard and you overturn the table.  And everybody wants to sit at the table.

Why do the people put up with it?  There are no people of Nigeria.

2) You weren’t meant to be

Nigeria’s army, government, and elite are local but also essentially national.  The people of Nigeria are local only.  This country does not exist.  Its borders were drawn by colonials who had an understanding of what they were doing, but did not care.  Independence made the problem worse.  Even the British were smart enough to realize they had to keep the north and south separate.  Pulled together, they make no sense as one country.  Some African nations must deal with dozens of disparate ethnic groups to make one people.  Nigeria has hundreds.

The elite prey upon this division.  To some people, they are the champions of their tribes and ethnic kin.  When your head man has a seat at the table, he can funnel what little cash the people get to your people.  If you desire to speak up, fight the power, the elite don’t have to tear gas you.  Your neighbors will take care of that for them.  Why are you ruining things?  Without our man at the table, we’ll all be poorer.

Occasionally it becomes too much.  The thievery, poverty, and desperation boils ever as in the Delta States.  Not a problem, for the very few times where people actually take up arms there is one of Africa’s largest armies to assist.  The sons of hundreds of tribes against a few that don’t know enough to play the game.  If killing them doesn’t work, try and buy them off.  Just get them to calm down so the robbery can resume.  You don’t need to please people, or even get them to obey, you just need them to do nothing.

On the horizon, a hint of what might be.  In Lagos or Abuja where everybody is mixed together you could get there.  Where were you born, friend?  In Lagos, Nigeria.  What tribe, friend?  What do you mean?  My grandfather was born in Lagos too.  Except that this isn’t going to work either.  A united Lagos or Abuja alone cannot overturn a system so widespread.  The country is too big and complicated, even for a city the size of Lagos.  In a construct of 36 states, Lagos is one.  Lagos has a lot of people, but only 5-10% of the country’s population.  Lagos dominates the economy, but economic power is irrelevant to change when the genesis of the arrangement is not growth but the removal of wealth.

And how can a united Nigerian people in Lagos fix the country, when they’re fighting for their own survival.

delta

3) You can’t take care of yourself

One day, the largest city by population on the planet will be Lagos.  In most aspects it is already the economic and cultural engine of the continent as a whole.  If you want to see the picture of Africa’s bright future, spend a week in Lagos.  Observe the energy, the speed, the intensity; millions of people grinding their way forward.  If you’re here, you can do anything.  You can make it.

But most aren’t going to make it.  Depending on your view of the planet, you could call Lagos a slum before a city.  When this urban entity is the largest on the planet the majority will likely live in it without running water, functioning sewers, reliable electricity, or effective government.  The planet has never seen anything like it.  Even the worst caldrons in the world today cannot compare with what’s coming.  It is common in science fiction to portray the apocalypse and armageddon right before our eyes.  Where the very richest perfect specimens of humanity live within eyesight of folks still caught in the year 300.  This vision will reach its truest form in Lagos, and probably several other cities worldwide by 2090.

Even the purest government on Earth is incapable of solving these problems.  Surely one of the world’s worst will flail at the challenges this reality will produce.  Corruption is an awful thing, but when you don’t know where your next drink of clean water is coming from, you’re not ready to take a tear gas salvo.  You apparently live in a country called Nigeria, but couldn’t care less when your defecating in a plastic bucket.  You’re part of a bright future, but on your way there, you’ll pay two bribes, risk a mugging, car accident, or fatal disease all before you reach your first hour of dreary, toiling work.  If you’re lucky to have a job at all.

This is insanity, the human condition made outside knowledge.  And where madness reigns, so lunacy is born.

lagos

4) If you can’t beat these guys, you’re finished

How many dedicated individuals does it take to ruin a country of 200 million?  When you’re as fragile as Nigeria the answer is ten-thousand.  Nobody knows how many militants serve Boko Haram and its more radical affiliates like Ansaru.  I’m just going to guess ten-thousand, although I’m sure the number is far lower.  All that I’ve described as the future of much of Lagos is already present in the north.  Once the world’s richest economic zone, it is now reduced to decay and desperation by a crippled Saharan trade and a collapsed textile industry.

And so born from this sad story is a group capable of executing children on a regular basis.  Even worse is it’s done without a purpose.  There appear no reasonable goals from Boko Haram or Ansaru.  They are different from the Delta States militias in that they want nothing from the state.  Claims for an Islamic future or overturning the existing order are not realistic or achievable.  If a million in Lagos could not destroy the state, what chance do the ten-thousand have?  None, and they don’t care.  What have they got to lose?  What great life awaits them if they come in off the battlefield?

And pitted against them is what was once considered the largest and best trained army in Africa.  Except that it no longer exists, if it ever did.  You cannot ask a burglar with a gun to become a soldier with a gun overnight.  Any halfway competent army can defend schools, whole towns, the very life of its country.  This army can’t.  Boko Haram is not brutalizing the population with advanced weaponry or the backing of a world power.  They conduct their work up close and personal with light firearms, blades, and flame.

Like many times in human history, cruel, never-ending violence shall expose in the most glaring way what actually exists.  The state cannot protect let alone serve the people.  Nigeria cannot defeat Boko Haram because this government, this leadership, is incapable of it.  It is not who they are.  It is not the organism they built.  And of course, worst of all, they don’t care either.  Boko Haram is up there.  We’re down here behind mansion walls.

Thus it’ll go on.  It’s not going to stop.  Any part of it all.

boko

5) It adds up

So how does this end?  With the collapse of the country?  Shall Nigeria divide into dozens of small nations?  No actually, the country will survive.  It’s not going to come apart.  It will endure.  Maybe even slowly improve.  We’re only human, sometimes it’s all just too much.  We cannot function, but quitting is not our way.  We have to try, we have to try because mass suicide or dejection isn’t in us.  Nigeria’s not going to make it.  But they’re certainly going to try.

Perhaps the most tragic fact is that given all these circumstances, Nigeria still won’t be destroyed.  If obliterated, it could at least be rebuilt better.  Nigeria’s not going to make it.  But it will go on.  And I will pray that I am wrong.  So very wrong.

lagos sunset

Setting or rising?

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Film in the Middle East – Banning Noah

Many people focused today on pivotal issues such as a missing airplane, invasion plans, and whether $12 million on one man is enough to buy your way out of Super Bowl shame.  I on the other hand spent my day figuring out the greatest mystery since King Tutankhamun’s tomb:

Why are several Gulf states banning the masterpiece hit film Noah?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-26568107

To get to the bottom of this crisis I commuted today to Doha via an Arcturan Teledar sortie.  There I spoke with Professor Ali Hassan bin Angry of the Doha Institute for Offended Studies.

The Arcturus Project:  Professor Hassan, thanks so much for agreeing to speak with us.

Professor Hassan:  My pleasure, Sir.

TAP:  Why so quick to ban a film you haven’t even seen?

PH:  Well, it’s not necessarily the content of the film, but as we understand it Nūh is depicted directly in the film…

TAP:  Yes, I saw Russell Crowe’s dreamy face in the previews.

PH:  Exactly, and in Islam we consider it blasphemy to show the face of a prophet, any prophet.

TAP:  And so the ban.

PH:  Yes, of course.

TAP:  Why did you not just ask Paramount to blur Crowe’s face throughout the film?  It might have actually improved the viewing experience.

PH:  Ah, I suppose we never considered it.  It’s just blasphemous.

TAP:  Do you hope all nations with Islamic populations will ban the flick?

PH:  Of course, it’s sacrilege and offensive to our values.

TAP:  You do realize they don’t actually intend to offend you, they just want to make a shit ton of cash.

PH:  Pardon?

TAP:  They’ve managed to offend nearly every religion on the planet by making this film.  I think even a Buddhist monk wants to vomit somewhere, but they don’t want to offend people because if they offend somebody they can’t take their cash.

PH:  But they had to have seen this coming?

TAP:  I think they just figured they’d take the risk.  They have to cash in on the name.

PH:  I don’t understand?

TAP:  Everybody on the planet knows Noah’s name.  So if they make a movie about him, people will in theory hand over cash because of name recognition.  This movie isn’t about religion, it’s about a guy named Noah.  They don’t care about his story.  They just want you in the door because you know his name.  After that, they could have Noah solving bank robberies for all Paramount cares.

PH:  Well, then certainly we’ve made the right choice by banning such a disgusting cash grab!

TAP:  No see, you’re wrong, by banning the movie you’ve undoubtedly ensured millions in the Islamic world will see this via an online hack site or something.  Since you’ve banned it, now they’ll have to see it.

PH:  There’s no way that’s true.

TAP:  It happens all the time.  You think anybody actually wanted to watch Passion of the Christ?  It’s just several hours of a decent guy getting the shit kicked out of him.  But then a bunch of you guys banned it and it got more press.

PH:  That was never our intention though.

TAP:  You need to learn from your mistakes, there’s going to be more films like this.

PH:  More?!  They must have mercy upon us.

TAP:  They won’t, any concept that has anything with a recognizable name is going to get packaged into a shitty film and shoved down your throat.  Religious characters, historical dude, the freaking zoo, anything.  They’ll shove out one with a Rubik’s Cube next year for sure.

PH:  You mean that colored square?

TAP:  Exactly.

PH:  Why would they do such an evil thing?  Why so quickly?

TAP:  They have to get the movie out there before they lose the name recognition.  In ten years nobody will know what a Rubik’s Cube is anymore because it’s not a smartphone application.

PH:  You’ve opened my eyes to a great evil but I find your assertion that the Rubik’s Cube movie is coming as dubious.

TAP:  How do you figure?

PH:  This is insane, what would the Cube do?

TAP:  I don’t know, fight Satan.

PH:  How is a Rubik’s Cube going to fight Satan?

TAP:  With, ah, with its mind.

PH:  …

TAP:  So like the cube will stump Satan because he can’t do math, and then he’ll surrender, and the Cube will walk away with the girl.

PH:  The Dark One’s enslaved the human race with hate and darkness for over five thousand years.  I’m pretty sure he can do complex math!

TAP:  Hey listen buddy, whose interview is this anyways?

PH:  Yes, yes, yours, publish your article!  Let your insanity widely disperse.  I stand by the ban.

TAP:  Article, yeah, so…

PH:  You represent the San Francisco Chronicle!  I agreed to this interview as such!

TAP:  Yeah, they’ve uh, they’ve got me on retainer.  I love Frisco.

PH:   …

TAP:  …

PH:  Do you have a card!?

TAP:  I have an Arcturan enforcer waiting for me outside in the parking lot.  He can’t go home until I do.

PH:  Can he fly me too? 

TAP:  Why?

PH:  I believe I have found an equitable solution to both our problems. 

TAP:  I’m listening.

In a shocking event the home of respected filmmaker Darren Aronofsky was found incinerated this morning.  His fate is unknown as police believe it will take weeks to search for his remains, should they exist inside.  Religious groups worldwide are acclaiming this as “God’s justice” for the “blasphemy” evident in his latest film Noah.  Studios worldwide are said to be considering a rethink of their plans for dozens of films “inspired by actual religions events”.

Now to our next story.  Police are hot on the case of a complaint from a local pirate themed bar of the “loud and disgusting” behavior of a trio of patrons (one dressed in an alien costume) who drank heavily, shouted at staff and other patrons, sang obnoxiously of their ‘victory’, punched a teenage waitress in the face, and rode the pirate mannequin out the door when threated with a police call.  The authorities are said to be investigating. 

NOAH

You know his name.  For the purposes of this film, his story is irrelevant.  Please relinquish your cash in an orderly manner.

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Israel’s not going to make it

Today the Israeli parliament passed a law that removes the military service exception for Ultra-Orthodox citizens.  The bill went forward with a near unanimous vote.  That is, the entire opposition boycotted the vote.  Half the legislative body of the country does not understand the danger they are in.  The drama that accompanied this issue brings to mind a thought I’ve had for quite a while.  Israel’s not going to make it.

1) Israel has already lost the information war

Israel has learned the hard way that it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, just don’t let your situation become a “cause”.  Just ask anybody who is against homosexuals, for cigarettes or large sodas, for cancer, against immigration, loves obesity, for guns, or against whales.  Once you have received the mark of evil from the media and establishment elite, there is nothing you can do to escape.  You are a target for destruction and nobody cares how valid your cause is.

In this, Israel has their own arrogance to thank alongside a Palestinian leadership who has played the information game with mastery for almost two decades.  The result is Israel is the only country on Earth that is treated with hatred when it returns fire against people who lob rockets at school bus stops.

The people of the world are not going to lift a finger to help Israel should it find itself in a true existential crisis.  You might think that eventually America would find a way, even if it did so alone.  Think again.  Public opinion has changed in America as well, mostly in the last five years.  Want to know what the world will do if Israel was truly in danger of elimination?  Take a look at Crimea.  The response on Israel’s behalf will be equally as effective.

2) The world’s Jews don’t care about Israel

For whatever reason, most of the rest of the world’s Jews do not care.  Public opinion among Jews has also moved partially against Israel and its actions.  I’m not going to really argue the details of why.  That takes a book.  To be honest, I don’t really get it, but I suspect it’s because Jews are not the supranational block people think they are.

Jews can disagree and fold into disparate groups just like anybody else.  A Jew in America is an American first and can join the anti-Israel cause alongside their neighbor.  They separate themselves from Israel because they have no connection with the country other than their religion.  For most Jews, like the rest of the growing secular world, the influence of religion is steadily declining.  In the old days Israel could count upon the world’s Jews for money, bodies, or influence.  Those days are over.

3) Peace will never occur

Peace between the Palestinians and Israel is never going to happen.  Ever.  The sides are just too far apart in their demands.  The hatred is too deep.  There are too many people who will sabotage the process.  If you are a Zionist or a member of the governing Israeli coalition, you probably find this appealing.  If so, you’re an idiot.

Israel is not in a position to survive a future based upon the status quo.  In order to retain the current circumstances Israel would need to import more Jewish immigrants, have more babies, or strike oil under the Tel Aviv beaches to buy everybody off.  In this sense, the influx of Jewish immigrants from the old Soviet Union may have bought Israel an extra decade of ignoring the reality of demographics.

There are simply going to be more Arab babies, both inside and outside Israel, than Jewish babies.  Why is this a problem?  Over time it’s going to be readily apparent that Israel can be a Jewish apartheid state or a multi-cultural democracy.  They can’t have both because there won’t be enough Jews to vote a Jewish majority in a functioning democracy.  The alternative is to deny Arabs the vote and thus further incur the wrath of folks who have taken up the anti-Israel cause.

Israel is already on the world’s hit list.  It just cannot sustain the further degradation that comes with attempting to maintain a Jewish majority where there is none.  Is peace the answer?  Maybe not, but it’s the only option short of having more kids.

Israel has to cut some kind of deal with the Palestinians that guarantees its Jewish future while everybody else can’t look at birth rates and conduct basic math.  Otherwise, once the apartheid line is crossed, it’s only a matter of time.  Just ask your militant Afrikaner neighbor.  Nobody can survive forever once the entire international community collectively has your demolition in mind.

4) In the end, the country will slay itself

Since almost the beginning of Israel’s founding the Ultra-Orthodox military exception has existed.  At the time they were a very small minority.  Depending on how you count them, they now make up between one-in-ten to a full quarter of Israel’s population.  Their “men” do not work.  They rely upon religion, the state, and their wives to feed them.  In a country surrounded by enemies, they will not carry a weapon or lift a finger to help the state.  They feel this way not because they are selfish; even worse, they see it as their right.

I cannot think of a more glaring illustration of a country intent on destroying itself.  That they now have to serve in the military does not mean they will serve in combat units or even an effective support unit.  In fact, the Israeli army tends to treat them with disgust due their lack of motivation and low performance standards.  Yet the Ultra-Orthodox have the highest Jewish birth rate in the country by an exponential factor.  In the end, they’ll get whatever country they vote for themselves.

Israel has survived this long by maintaining a patriotic, dedicated population ready to sacrifice their lives and future to maintain the survival of the state.  In a country where a significant minority, and half the legislature, is willing to allow what one day might be the largest group inside the country to ignore service, it’s over folks.  It’s just over before it begins.

They all think it’s going to last forever.  That’s a common trait in human history.  A society, culture, or country typically does not acknowledge the danger until it’s too late.  Maybe you can’t blame them given the victorious history these last sixty years.  But they don’t live in Paris.  They live in arguably the most dangerous ground in human history.  If you can’t pick up a gun to defend your rights, you’re going to get killed, change religion, or run away.  I recommend the Ultra-Orthodox think hard on this, because if I’m right, within say fifty years, they’ll have to pick one of these options.

ultras

More dangerous to their country’s future than an Iranian nuke

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We only care because they told us to

I ask you friends, do you honestly care about the Oscar Pistorius trial?  I hope your answer’s no, because if it’s yes just please go away.  You’re not welcome here.

We all love drama right?  In the movies, television, and books?  But the best kind of drama is the one in real life.  Oh, how awesome is it!  And with the Pistorius trial we get the very best traits too!  We’ve got an international Olympic star with no legs.  An extremely attractive woman brutally shot.  Guns.  Screaming.  A guy with no legs.  An austere, little known (for the ignorant West) location in South Africa.  A beautiful girl.  Guns.  And a bathroom door.

If I was to set up a lawn chair inside a courtroom, eat popcorn, and cackle loudly like an asshole as people’s lives were destroyed, I’d be considered a horrible human being.  But our blessed media has made billions doing just that.  They then provide this experience to the popcorn eating masses so they can escape from their dreary lives by indulging in the misery of others.  Maybe we should just watch more sports instead.  At least in sports there’s a clear winner.

Hey friends, you do know that these people’s lives are completely obliterated right?  There is no winner from the Pistorius trial.  Everybody loses.  Her especially, but also him, South African society, the police, the courts, and so on.  In fact, pretty much everybody but the media is taking a shot in the face (pun intended).

Perhaps I’m just being my usual cheery self.  I mean, this is a long lasting human tradition.  I’m pretty sure when Caveman Steve bent in Caveman Al’s skull with a rock that the entire cave was gossiping about it for seven weeks as the tribal council determined what body part to take from Caveman Steve.  Still, we’re supposed to evolve right?

As a free thinking sentient human being you have no reason to care about Pistorius, Knox, or Caveman Steve.  The media only wants you to care so they can get your eyes and they can make a bunch of cash.  Just ignore it, you’re better off.

death

Yes, yes, please come listen to my delightful tale.

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The machines aren’t taking over

Next Thursday you get to commute to work drunk, while texting, without even knowing what city you’re in. Because according to people who are smarter (not smarter) than I, self-driving cars are on offer for delivery to your garage (or palace) next week. And self-driving ships are just around the corner too:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-26438661

Except that they’re not. It’s not going to happen. But enjoy all the fun thinking about it.

Two things are going to prevent the machines from taking over our cars, ships, planes, tuk-tuks, and brains.

1) Lawyers

The Children of Satan are going to run these ideas in the ground. If your self-driving car hits another car who pays? You? Them? The program coder? Your car? Your ex-wife? Think you can answer this question? You probably can, you’re an intelligent person. The problem is you don’t have enough money or influence to buy the votes that will write the laws that govern this. And they’ll screw it up. The dispute resolution process is going to be more complicated than a twelve year old explaining to you how to do long division again.

2) Cash

In order for the concept of self-driving hunks of steel to actually work, they have to achieve widespread use. Otherwise it’s just a fluke for rich assholes. I can buy my own jet car but that doesn’t change humanity. Nobody’s going to have the cash to buy these things. The freaks will claim that over time the costs will come down and your local grocery bagger can buy one too. They’re lying. Personal desktop computers were around for thirty years before the smartphone obliterated them from dominance. During that time their prices were consistently $1K-$2K depending on your desired model. If the freaks have shown anything, it’s that the cost of their technology won’t be coming down.

And in any case, why bother? Who cares? So cars and ships are more efficient driving themselves? So we can drink beer or check our e-mail while our car drives itself? Your car’s still going to sit in traffic whether you’re in control or not. The plane will still take off and land regardless of who’s up front. But driverless cars are safer! Yep, sure they are, and my computer never crashes. Ever.

So automated technology will displace humans so they can do what? The freaks will tell you that it frees the human mind to do other things. So the deck seaman on the Maersk container ship is going to become an artist or entrepreneur or something? Yeah, good luck with that.

It all just feels like a waste. Where do we draw the line and say, thanks machines, but this is ours because we’re alive and not non-sentient plants. Shall we allow the freaks to get the machines to cook us dinner, read to our kids, scratch our backs too? Sooner or later we’re going to have to remember that we’re freaking alive.

The author of this blog still looks up directions (yes, online, okay) and writes them on a small sheet of paper before leaving in his pocket car. If I get lost, oh well. At least it allows me to know where the hell I am over time. When you’re just having your smartphone tell you where to turn, maybe you’d better hope it drives you off a bridge. Best to enjoy life and do things for yourself. You’re not going to be here much longer anyways.

ship

Hello humans, my name is Ship, and I’m so very, very boring.

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Crimea – Be careful what you wish for

An Arcturan bolt pistol is to your temple.  You have five seconds to choose.  In twenty years, you’re very much alive, but you can only live in Russia or Ukraine.  Don’t give me how you hate the options, it’s all you get.  Five seconds to choose.  Go!

…

You chose Ukraine?  Yeah, I figured.  If you’d picked Russia, Esh-Ala would have squeezed the trigger.

In the original Batman movie, still the best, Lieutenant Eckhart possesses an inability to “think about the future”.  This results in him taking a revolver round to the chest in a comic book chemical factory.  If I were a Russian in Crimea, I’d be thinking about the future a great deal.

Who knows what the planet will look like in twenty years.  But I’ll bet my money that Ukraine’s going to look a lot better than the alternative.  When in doubt, bet on freedom and democracy kids, it usually works out.  Will Ukraine have these things in twenty years, maybe not, but I’ll still go with them first.

Now granted, there’s something to be said for trying to live with your kin.  But saying an ethnic Russian in Crimea is happier living under a dictator than he would be under a Ukrainian democracy is like saying a Deutsche in Strasbourg would enjoy living more under Hitler because they’re both German.

(mumblings)  What?  (mumblings)  Why can’t I make that comparison?  (mumblings)  She said what?  (mumblings)  Who cares?  (mumblings)  Now wait a second, that doesn’t even make any sense.  Hitler was so much better than Uncle Vladimir that he got the West to actually sign off on the Sudetenland.  He also had a far higher body count at that point.  Although you have to admire how Vlad’s gotten Crimea without having to shoot even one human.  (mumblings)  Well, yes, maybe the West is going to cave just like they did back then.  (mumblings)  Yeah, yeah, I don’t know what century we’re living in either, but I think we’re on repeat.  It’s probably always felt like this.

idiocy

In six months, after Vladimir’s totally in control, what you’re doing now will result in your receiving Kremlin supplied tear gas and rubber bullets.  Enjoy what you’ve done.

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You’re too stupid to know better

Put your trust in strangers.  They’ve never met you.  They know nothing about you.  But they know what’s best for you right?  If only you were as smart as them, you’d live a longer, happier, and more fulfilling life.  Except if you got cleaved in half in a monstrous car wreck on the way to work one July morning, but I guess that’s beside the point.

You don’t really feel what you’re doing is wrong, you’re just living your life.  Or maybe you do feel that what you’re doing is wrong, and you do it anyways.  Why?  For a whole bunch of reasons.  Maybe you want it.  Maybe you need it.  Maybe you just don’t give a shit.  Either way you’re an adult who can make his or her own decisions right?  Well, no.  Why?  Because there are other adults who have decided it is their mission in life to think for you.  What’s that?  [pause]  Oh, you’re not prepared to obey?  Well fuck you.

Today the Los Angeles City Council, which is apparently too busy to tackle important issues in their city (such as why they still don’t have an NFL team) decided they needed to vote new laws that treat e-cigarettes like regular cigarettes.

The vote was 14-0.  Yes friends, 14 to zero.  You probably couldn’t get these 14 meatbags to agree on the time of day, but they’ll vote unanimous when it comes to controlling your behavior.

http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-los-angeles-ecigarettes-ban-20140304,0,4359853.story#axzz2v2du1RPZ

I’m trying really, really hard to wrap my brain around this one without resorting to intellectual violence.  So I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they all voted along these lines for two reasons:

a) They genuinely believe their vote will keep people healthy

b) They banned e-cigarettes because they have the word cigarette in their name

Wait no, that isn’t the case at all.  They voted along these lines because they:

c) Want to control how you think, especially if that helps them accomplish bullet (a) and they could not care less of the consequences of their actions

The most transparent statement came from Council President Wesson.  Herb smoked for decades and then stopped because he’d determined his habit, “would almost certainly kill him one day”.  So Herb made a choice, on his own (and/or with some help), to quit smoking.  But what he’s saying with his vote is that the average smoker is not intelligent enough to make the same judgment on his or her own.  Herb decided he must vote a law that makes that choice for other people.  Now I bet Herb is truly trying to do the right thing, but he’s wrong.

Are e-cigarettes as healthy as pure spring water?  Why no, far from it.  Are they better for your body than regular cigarettes?  Of course.  A step down is a step down.  But to me, this is really about more than that.  What the Los Angeles City Council is saying is the same thing that hundreds of other government and private bodies have said over the past hundred or so years:

“You’re too stupid to know better.  So we’ll tell you what to think by making it illegal.”

Thus we get the laws and society we live in today.  In this idiot’s opinion, it isn’t worth it.  I would legalize it all, everything.  Want to drink bleach?  Go right ahead.  Want to smoke?  Let me get you a light.  Want to sniff cocaine?  Let me get you a clean razor blade.

Now this is extreme.  Would I really do this?  No.  I’d probably say something like, “Hey [insert name here], let’s talk this out.”  Those of you out there who are enforcers would say that’s the point of these laws.  The Council voted that way to take these situations out of the equation.  Your humble blog author won’t have to talk people out of it because it’ll all be illegal.  Oh, I see, so how’s that working out for us with say, cocaine, or weed?

1) When the government  and/or a corporation are in the business of telling you what you can or cannot put in your body, there is no limit to how far they can go.

2) If we’re at the point where people feel they must order you on what you can do with your own body, freedom doesn’t exist.

I know what I’m saying.  I understand the danger of what I’m advocating.  I’ve known people (some very close friends & family) addicted to cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, Arcturus meth dust, and so on.  But if you’re an adult (nothing I’m saying applies to kids) you’re self-aware enough to make these decisions for yourself.  And if or you die in a back row townhome via a crack overdose or you die of lung cancer when you’re 45?  Oh well.  You made the call.  Live with it or not.

The government and/or a corporation could probably help you get kick the addiction, if you’re willing.  Think of all the good people could do with all the mental energy and physical resources society spends on prevention and incarceration if we spent it instead on treatment?  The American DEA spends $3 billion a year to fail at its mission, let’s start with them.

Legalize it all.  Take the control of your life out of the hands of strangers.  You’re intelligent enough.  Either way, it’s your right to decide for yourself.

Vampire

Please trust me to tell you what’s best.  Honestly, I know better.  You can trust this face.

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Ukraine – One side’s already won, so solving this isn’t that hard

I’m going to end this crisis faster than the time it takes thugs to beat protestors outside the Kremlin.  As I lay this out, please keep in mind I’m not going to ponder the morals or justice of what I’m proposing.  My personal views should be well clear based upon what I’ve previously posted.  I’m just trying to fix the problem at hand given the reality of our current planet.

Facts:

1) Russia has conquered Crimea.

2) Ukraine cannot defeat Russia in battle.

3) The West will not use military force against Russia under any circumstances.

Assumptions:

1) Uncle Vladimir

– Has already calculated the impact of potential Western sanctions, verbal scolding, or isolation and has determined this is worth what he gains by taking Crimea.

– Will not attack the remainder of Ukraine.

– Goal is to own Crimea in the same manner as Abkhazia and South Ossetia.

– Is less concerned with who actually rules Ukraine than ensuring it does not enter EU orbit.

2) Ukraine’s New Leadership

– Does not have a strong enough mandate or cash to unite all of Ukraine against Russia.

– Will eventually realize the West cannot and will not protect them.

– Will determine that negotiation is their only realistic option.

3) The West

– Will accept Russian control of Crimea in the same manner as it has accepted sovereign Georgian territory is ruled by Russia.

Opinion:

1) Uncle Vladimir

– Always desired to control Crimea in this manner but has used current events to achieve it.

– Is generally smart enough to know when to quit while he is ahead, like when he let France ‘broker’ a deal to stop the Georgian war.

2) Ukraine’s New Leadership

– Backed themselves into a corner by promoting conflict instead of reconciliation.  (see old posts)

– Are not in control of the Ukrainian street any more than Cousin Viktor.

– Are of the same corrupt & establishment mold as Cousin Viktor.

3) The West

– Is completely irrelevant to the eventual outcome.

Solution:

Ukraine and Russia need to cut a deal.

Proposed Terms:

1) Russia maintains military control of Crimea.

2) Russia will ‘rent’ Crimea from Ukraine by paying an annual fee, say in natural gas.

3) Russia will not invade any other portion of Ukraine.

4) Ukraine will hold free and fair elections within six months under international supervision.

5) Ukraine will not pursue any EU or NATO alignment for at least five years.

6) Russia will not force Ukraine to join the Eurasian Union for at least five years.

7) Trade agreements between Russia & Ukraine and EU & Ukraine revert to their previous standings.

You may think that most of what I’ve written above is foolishness.  You’d be right.  But the dirty little secret is the world’s most accomplished diplomats aren’t going to do any better.

vladimir_next

I’m in control.  You all have to deal with reality on my terms.  My opponents are children and you know it.  I’m not sorry.

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Get ready to pay to breathe air

Should you have to pay to park at a hospital to visit a family member?  Your answer is probably no.  But you’ll have to do it, unless you’re already doing it, in which case I feel your pain.  Welcome friends, to the new era where even your very darkest moments are a commodity worthy of exploitation by a spreadsheet metric that determines an increase of 0.47% per quarter is worth overpowering that basic human value:  “In general, try to treat your neighbor as you’d like to be treated.”

Here’s another delightful example that even the most grizzled Arcturan enforcer would find abhorrent.  Jennette’s Pier in Nags Head, North Carolina, USA has existed since 1939.  You’ve had to pay to fish, crab, or hold parties on it.  But since its creation you could at least walk on the damn thing for free.  This masterpiece is owned by the state of North Carolina but managed by a private entity, a true match made in hell.  Now you have to pay $2 just to walk on it.  Remember strolling down that [insert anything here] with your family as a child, all those good times, the memories that last forever?  Well fuck you!  So a cherished one-hundred year tradition falls victim to the new basic human value:  “Where possible, be a dick.”

Easy payment of things with your smartphone or future brain chip is real fun and trouble-free right?  It won’t be.  When all you have to do is waive your future brain phone against a machine to extract payment directly from your bank account in a fraction of a second?  Well friends, you’re going to pay just so you can expel carbon dioxide.  Your local, state, and federal government(s) are going to get in on it too.  Don’t think your taxes are enough, your local deputy-under-assistant city planner needs new boots.  It’s so easy that everybody is going to charge you money to do everything.

Want to => quick pay please

-Cover charge to enter a high traffic public urban zone on foot $5

-Enter a public park with your family $2

-Park at a hospital $5

-Retrieve your mail $1

-Walk hand-in-hand with your significant other on a pier that’s existed for 100 years $2

-Watch your kid’s game from the stands $3

-Observe the sunset from a popular location $5

-Retrieve your e-mail $1

-Call to speak with your local government for assistance with anything $1

-Drive on any road, anywhere $6

-Pick somebody up from the airport curbside $4

-Consult with a deity $0.02

Think I’m crazy?  Well, that’s true, but as discussed, it’s already started to happen.  Enjoy it, because there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Businessman-computer

“Yeah, we have a lot of money, but you don’t understand, we need more, and you’re going to give it to us.  (chuckles)  [pause]  Yes, I understand, but what are you going to do about?  [pause]  Ah, no, no, you’re going to pay, trust me.”