“…well, then that would be even better.”

Life is not a dream. It’s really not. I know this because right now I’m drinking an awesome beer surrounded by my dogs. This is real. So are we. And so are the ideas that keep us going.

Leonard Nimoy knew this. Better than most I suspect. It bled through his art. And if Nimoy was anything, an artist in the old sense he was. He wrote books and poetry, he took photographs, he mastered the craft of the motion picture.

It is this reason, not just because people love Spock, that made him a household name. He had the power to tell us who we are. He made it seem like he wasn’t one of us, when he was actually among the best of us.

More than anybody else, Nimoy made Star Trek. Everybody thinks it was Priceline Senόr Bancό de Rόbber Bill Shatner. It wasn’t. In the beginning, nobody working on the show really liked Shatner or Gene Roddenberry. Although folks don’t talk about it openly, except perhaps George Takei, you get the idea that things tended to almost fall apart because Shatner and Roddenberry were arrogant jerks.

Later, Nimoy and Shatner would actually build respect and ultimately a deep friendship. When you read about how Nimoy tried to help Shatner with the troubles and ultimate tragic death of his wife, it brings tears to your eyes. It’s rather strange but poetic, that two men who were friends only on screen for so many decades would actually find friendship later in life when they needed each other the most.

Don’t get me wrong, Bill cleaned up his act and I really like the guy. A lot of people still call him a bad actor. Mostly those who have never watched all of Star Trek or one episode of The Practice. But it’s clear to me, that without Nimoy, Star Trek would have been an unknown bad hack science fiction nothing.

I have the idea that Nimoy kept everybody together. Everybody else on set showed up because Nimoy was there. And the idea that was Star Trek, it was his as much as Roddenberry’s. Nimoy’s view of what Star Trek was is best exemplified by his goal with The Voyage Home where he said:

“…no dying, no fighting, no shooting, no photon torpedoes, no phaser blasts, no stereotypical bad guy. I wanted people to really have a great time watching this film and if somewhere in the mix we lobbed a couple of big ideas at them, well, then that would be even better.”

This was Star Trek. A fun show the whole family could watch, but also riddled with big ideas that could melt the brain of any serious adult. When I was a young idiot, I couldn’t stand The Voyage Home. I’d be like, “what’s with these stupid whales, man, when is somebody going to get cut in half.” But when I rewatched it last year, I couldn’t believe what a joy it was. It’s a masterpiece. I breathed in the happiness.

In a modern storytelling age where the fog of doom is pervasive, it’s comforting to go back and watch a view of the future not owned by failure and bleached skeletons. Nimoy’s future of a still flawed but noble humanity with a bright existence remains inspiring, and a future worth fighting for.

So here’s to Nimoy and the hopes that he’s embarked aloft alongside DeForest Kelley and James Doohan and they’re off to Valhalla at whatever warp factor they prefer. Kelley’s chuckling, Doohan’s got a glass of scotch, and Nimoy comments offhand as they blast into the stars, “Life is but a dream.”

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farewell shipmate, fair winds

Orion – erasing a 40 year gap

We’re picking up where we left off.  Back in 1972.  That’s the last time we flew a crew-capable spacecraft this high in orbit.  Will it work?  We’ll know in about five hours or so after/if splashdown occurs as scheduled.

What have we been doing the last forty years?  Determining if ants can be taught to sort tiny screws in space.

I’m sure there are a lot of smart people doing cool things aboard the ISS, but it bores me.  It also bores all of humanity.

It’s also apparently been a waste of time.  Because after 40 years Orion looks exactly like a large Apollo.  So what’s NASA learned in the last 40 years?  Apparently very little, because we’re just using the same improved design.  But whatever, better to pick up after a 40 year gap then never again.

So fly Orion.  Do your part.  You’re exciting and are going boldly.  Our degenerate race needs such things now more than ever.

orion 1 launch

We can put this one in humanity’s win column

Some actual good news for once! We aren’t just a bunch of degenerate losers today! We did something cool. Something hard. Something worth doing.

We managed to put metal on a freaking comet. It’s pretty awesome. And the complexity of this mission is mind boggling, which makes it even more awesome.

Mankind has looked up at the stars and held comets in very special esteem since our beginning. They’re unique, bright, and a hell of a neat thing to look at. Particularly back during the times where folks didn’t have the internets and car chases to entertain them.

Folks throughout history have called comets “good omens”, “purveyors of doom”, “gods”, or “that weird fucking thing in the south sky”. Their sightings have influenced wars, changed our view of science, and helped shape our understanding of our floating rock’s place in this twisted universe.

Now we’ve been there too.

For those interested in the technical brilliance, we’ll turn it over to Professor Rollmops at Tragicocomedia who does an outstanding job of explaining this masterpiece:

http://tragicocomedia.com/2014/11/10/six-impossible-things-before-breakfast-rosetta/

And then we’ll turn it over to our little robot to show us what’s quite the photo, hopefully the first of many:

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Anybody want to bet money, that later on, the robot takes a picture of this too:

Hothslug

Blow up Space! And other wise ideas.

We’re problem solvers here. We help people with problems. Which is unwise. Because we a lot of problems. I can’t get through a cup of coffee without getting bashed with a problem.

Like what do you do when you wake up and find one of your dogs has vomited on the carpet, but you can’t figure out which one did it to check to see if they’re okay?

Or how do you respond when sunrise hasn’t occurred but one of your guests has already threatened another guest with fatal bodily harm?

Well, typically I just shrug and resign myself to the faceless existence that is all our lives. Then go to work. Sweet.

Anyways, so we’re going to take all that in context and then help all of humanity with a problem. It’s what we do. Even though we shouldn’t. No really, we shouldn’t.

There’s been a lot of news articles lately about a topic people don’t care about: all that space junk that’s floating around in Earth’s low and high orbits.

What’s that you say? You don’t care? I know. But you should care. Because everything you use during your day somehow depends on said junk not ruining everything.

Soon, if it’s already not in progress somewhere, you’re not going to be able to brush your teeth without establishing a firm satellite connection that notes your location, plaque removal status, and overall dental health intent.

This information will get reported to a government agency for evaluation to establish you’re within set standards. Do you find such a wired future unappealing? Your recourse is to flee to the mountains & unplug. Or obey. Either way.

But at the very least if you currently use some form of GPS or television or like to know the weather, you’d better hope we figure out space debris. Because sooner or later it’s going to get out of control and then we’re really going to have a problem. Because satellites will blow up ten days after they’re emplaced.

And I’m not talking about that stupid movie Gravity. I never saw that piece of trash. I saw enough to know I hated it after the very first teaser. Mostly because I find the idea of putting both George Clooney and Sandra Bullock on screen mentally repulsive. It’s like paying the most machine engineered Hollywood leading man and woman and getting them to shove their hands inside your wallet while you’re in the shower. I can’t stand either of them, on or off screen.

Plus, I’m sick of movies that masquerade as theme park rides. Inside folks’ brains, they’re like: Wow! Look at how much debris was in that movie! All the action and ‘splosions! It’s like you’re floating in space! I love that, I’m floating! In space! I’m floating with George Clooney! This is so awesome!

No, no idiot, you’re not floating with George Clooney and Sandra Bullock. They don’t even know who you are. They have so much money they use $100 bills to clean their dogs’ vomit off the carpet. Now you just gave them more money. Why? Uh, [shakes head] the very thought of all that induces me to start loading a revolver.

Anyways, so humanity’s got to solve space debris. So there’s been some wacky solutions proposed in the news lately. Here are some examples:

– Send a robot up there to capture or push debris into the atmosphere to burn up. [we think this is most legit]

– Use a death ray from ground or space to zap debris. [cool]

– Send a big magnetic bar up there to attract metal and vacuum up the stuff. [really?]

– Ignore the problem. [we think this is most likely]

But all of these options are weak. They don’t fix the issue. We’re going to fix the issue. You’ll love our proposals!

I’m advised by the most belligerent minds this side of the Crab Nebula. So you know my ideas are golden.

When my guests first got here, they told me we had so much garbage in orbit it look like somebody vomited atop our world. It’s embarrassing. Time to get it fixed.

1) Blow up Space!

Currently, nuclear weapons are decommissioned via a complicated, expensive, and dangerous disposal process. Forget that. Instead, we shoot all those nukes into orbit and blow up substantial portions of space to remove debris. Then, we build more nukes and fire them up there too. We clean out the orbits in a sea of fire and armageddon. It’d be like a fireworks display for the whole planet. What’s not to like?

What’s that you say? This idea is horrific? It won’t work? I’ll add more debris or electromagnetic pulse the planet to the dark ages?

No, that kind of short sighted risk adverse thinking is what got us here in the first place. It’s time for action! [throws chair] We’re doing nothing to fix the problem. Time to let me try and recklessly fix it. Even if all I do is make it worse.

2) Blow up Earth!

Space debris will have a real hard time ruining our lives when there’s not an Earth left for it to harass!

PS – We’re already doing this.

3) Blow up Mars!

Hey, those assholes started it! It’s time for some payback.

What’s that you say? This has nothing to do with the problem at hand?
Who cares! We’re going to blow up freaking Mars! How awesome is that.

4) Return to the Stone Age

Without technology, we’ll not need anything functional in orbit. Everybody loves these apocalyptic disaster and/or zombie stories right? We can make it happen. Right now!

Please start by robbing your neighbor’s fridge for provisions. You go first! We’ll watch and then follow you right afterwards. 

5) Plan Arcturus

For a small nominal fee, several specific routine gifts, and the opportunity to become Overlord of All Humanity my guests will design, build, and operate a craft or weapon capable of clearing all non-functional debris from orbit. They say it’s an offer we can’t refuse.

No really, they say we can’t refuse. So seriously, we’ve got to do something. Quick. They’re not joking. They even let me write this post so you’d know they’re serious. But what they don’t understand is that nobody reads this blog. So their threats are futile. And I’m in a heap of future beatings once they find out. I tried to take all the phone books out of the house. And then they went and bought more. Where/how do you buy a freaking phone book!?

spacejunk_geo_2009237_lrg

Behold our beloved planet Earth. Floating open garbage can.