Tag Archives: News

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Arcturus News Muster – 05 August 2014

Every day we get together in our hovel and produce the finest and most professional news product this side of the Crab Nebula. There are two smart things you should do with this breathtaking creation:

a) Don’t read it; never visit this site again

b) Read it; enjoy yourself

Accomplish both (a) and (b) simultaneously and as a reward my guests will demonstrate upon your brain their version of the mind meld. Warning, unless you desire to spend the majority of a full weekend screaming, I’d advise you to defer this award. Instead, I’ll just buy you a case of beer.

1) Arrest of Canadian couple illustrates consequences of lunacy

The Arcturus Project News

Chinese police officials are deeply concerned by the circumstances of their recent detainment of a Canadian couple suspected of espionage. Kevin and Julia Garratt ran a coffee shop in Dandong, located at the main border crossing with North Korea. The official provincial charging document called their establishment, Peter’s Coffee House, a “running-dog-imperialist-haven of the evil, corrupt, & degenerate West”.

Yet a senior Dandong police official, whose identity we cannot divulge as he was not authorized to speak with the media, expressed caution, “Nothing about this makes sense. Until we know all the facts, we’re treating this with latex beating gloves. Either these two individuals are the dumbest people on the planet, or they’re so damned good at spy craft they make James Bond look like a teenage heroin addict.”

Undaunted by criticism, China’s Foreign Ministry stated the Canadians were “suspected of collecting and stealing intelligence… related to Chinese military targets and important Chinese national defense science research programs”. When asked by reporters how a humble Canadian coffee shop couple could have access to, let alone engage in the theft of such information, a Foreign Ministry spokesman eloquently & methodically responded, “shut your fucking mouth!”

“I just can’t understand how this came about,” said Captain Hindsight of the International Institute for Strategic Studies, “I can think of about a billion places that are safer to conduct your business than the border of freaking North Korea and China. It’s probably safer to set up a liquor stand right next to that al-Baghdadi Caliph guy’s gilded palace”.

The Canadian Embassy in Beijing issued a strongly worded statement, indicative of a country that honored its values and obligation to its citizens, that it stood “ready to provide assistance as required”. Canadian officials are said to be weighing whether it would be considered inappropriate to Chinese officials if Ottawa offered assistance to comp the couple’s solitary confinement costs as a means to increase the possibility that China might purchase additional tar sands oil.

Back in Dandong, the anonymous police official struggled to predict the outcome of the situation, “If they can round up these folks there’s no limit to who they can arrest. On the other hand,” he hesitated, “sometimes you’re such a lunatic, you’re just asking for bad things to happen to you.”

05AUG 1

2) Hack director urinates upon entire generation in order to make his name

The Arcturus Project News

Oscar winds already surround the much anticipated and heralded upcoming World War II film Fury by unknown writer and director David Ayer. Starring leading metrosexual and unemployed housewife phenomenon Brad Pitt the movie intends to show the closing days of the war in a “relentlessly authentic portrayal”.

“What I’m really looking for here is moral equivalency”, said Ayer, “I want to show Americans murdering civilians, executing prisoners, drunk, and generally behaving like a bunch of assholes. Only by portraying them in such a shocking, disgusting way can I stand out and make my name touch upon the tongues of all of Hollywood’s leading power brokers. Because this is how they really want to remember that war anyways.”

Ayer built upon his extensive and relevant combat experience as a sonar operator on a Cold War attack submarine to guide his writing of ordinary men forced to make hard decisions during history’s deadliest war. “When I was in that steel tube, hitting on my bunk mate, eating ice cream and watching movies after watch, I think I really got a good idea of what it was like to stare down the barrel of a Panther’s 88mm gun.”

Fury is grounded in intricate detail, Ayer ensured that all the film’s supporting aspects in camouflage, weapons, and equipment were accurate to the greatest extent possible. A concept found ironic by Tom Brokaw, author of The Greatest Generation, “I spoke to Ayer, know his work, I just don’t understand a movie where you get the uniform pattern right but miss the overall point of the entire war. Remember, they were fighting a hardened enemy that glorified the SS. It was a long, brutal war, up close and personal,” he added. “A number of veterans I interviewed alluded to behavior they weren’t proud of, but neither did they apologize.”

Yet Ayer remained undeterred. “I think it’s really important to show, on screen, a patriotic American brutally murdering an unarmed man. It’s karma. It shows us all how we really are. I want to live in a world where we’re all honest about how we’re all the same. Plus, I want to make a shit ton of cash too, which mandates that I provide as much shock value as possible. It’s like I’m making a horror movie. Every additional chainsaw kill scene I include increases the budget value of the film by $7M.”

Sony officials were deeply concerned that the film might not debut on schedule, however. “We’ve received a number of random threats from unknown individuals”, said one Sony marketing manager, “federal officials are investigating.”

It took TAP News twelve minutes to find one Melvin Anderson of Columbus, Ohio, a 93 year old retired accountant, who offered this brief statement: “Yeah, I threatened his life, I told him if he wanted a demonstration of authentic knife skills, I still had it in me. Or, I can still get behind the turret and ride again. One last time for justice, truth, and honor. I could break him in half with the coaxial gun. It’d be one last kill in the name of glory. Then I can go home in peace.”

05AUG 2

3) French defense contractor STX France to sell surveillance kit to child molesters

The Arcturus Project News

In response to recent announcements that France will not suspend the sale of two Mistral class amphibious assault ships to Russia, and its recent decision to bottom line a contract to sell drones to NAMBLA, The Arcturus Project News sat down with Saint-Nazaire STX France union delegate Christophe Morel for a brief discussion.

The Arcturus Project News: Monsieur Morel thanks for agreeing to speak with us.

M Morel: My pleasure.

TAP: So, let’s go ahead and start with your pro-child airways murder agenda…

MM: [chuckles] I was warned about you, that’s not who we are, we’re in favor of free trade, the middle class, and good hard working jobs.

TAP: And child murder.

MM: [chuckles] That has nothing to do with us, we just make ships here.

TAP: For Vladimir Putin.

MM: For the Russian Navy, the Russian people, and in fact, nothing about these ships has anything do with Ukraine or the Malaysian airliner. The Russian Fleet intends to base them in the Pacific.

TAP: Where they’ll never be able to drive to the Black Sea. Ever. 

MM: We have their word.

TAP: I see.

MM: What’s your problem?

TAP: We have many. Which one are you specifically referring to?

MM: Britain gets rich off Russian bankers and German machine tool makers love the Moscow market, but you pick on us?

TAP:  You’re selling warships to a brutal aggressive dictator. The banker thing isn’t quite the best idea, but you’re off the edge. It’s like providing flamethrowers to the SS.

MM: That’s ridiculous. President Putin’s body count is nowhere near as high at Hitler’s.

TAP: …

MM: Something like 8,000 people make a living off this deal. They have families. What would you say to them?

TAP: Sorry, you can’t butter your bread with cash you got from Satan’s acolyte.

MM: That’s not good enough!

TAP: Why not?

MM: They’re not even warships, they’re like big ferries. They only have a few weapons onboard.

TAP: They introduce mechanized Russian Marine brigades ashore onto hostile shores.

MM: Exactly! So you see, this has nothing to do with Ukraine. Russia is not attacking Ukraine’s shores. And a ship didn’t shoot down the Malaysian airliner.

TAP: You’re just as delusional and foolish as your forefathers who supported Vichy.

MM: You pig! What would you have us do, we need jobs!

TAP: Don’t sell kit to evil.

MM: [hysterical laughter] Don’t you understand how the world works? We need to eat, we don’t give a fuck about Ukraine or the airliner. If it comes between my rich union job, and all of Eastern Europe? Let Putin nuke them all! I need work.

TAP: Then what about the news that you’re selling the video equipment and drones to pedophiles?

MM: Jobs are jobs you dick. Pedophiles need drones to track small vulnerable children. We need jobs. It’s win, win.

TAP: The breadth of your evil is instructional.

MM: Everybody’s got a price. Mine was $1B per warship. You have one too! I assure you.

TAP: Not a chance.

MM: Oh yeah, how about it? We checked up on you. We want your guests to put some of their advanced weaponry on the first ship. Then we can jack up the Russian price to $2B. You take a cut. Name that cut.

TAP: Not interested.

MM: You don’t care about Ukraine either…

TAP: Not true…

MM: What do you even do for a living? You’re just a shitty blog author. It’s time to get into the real games of life, fool. Time to make your mark and stop ranting in textual form to a bunch of folks you don’t even know.

TAP: …

MM: …

The Arcturus Project News is pleased to announce the creation of The Arcturus Project Shipbuilding. In collaboration with STX France the company will focus upon advanced shipboard weaponry. The newly designed “Arc Matrix” technology will allow the owner of the new Mistral ship (whoever that might be) to concentrate his or her enemies in a specific location where they can be controlled, counted, and things can be done to them in an efficient, orderly, and cost effective manner. Union delegates from STX France are thrilled and will join The Arcturus Project Shipbuilding in a celebratory mind meld bash at an undisclosed location in the Sahara desert. Said STX France union delegate Morel, “We’re so excited to celebrate this new collaborative venture. We can’t wait to see what this party has in store for us!”

05AUG 3

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-28654125

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/03/movies/fury-starring-brad-pitt-a-raw-look-at-warfare.html?_r=0

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/22/world/europe/a-french-port-welcomes-an-intervention-by-russias-military.html?_r=0

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Some people are larger than life

Think you’re having a bad day? Trust me, you’re not. Try donning your armor and charging against ebola.

I know the world’s been a little busy lately. But in case you didn’t know, a full blown ebola outbreak is in progress.

By the way, why do folks capitalize the word ebola? Like we have to name it, like its Steve or Othman. I refuse. Who decided it deserved to have capitalization? This virus can kiss my ass. Sooner or later we’ll find a way to brutally destroy it. So why should we give in to its unreasonable demands that we make its first letter big?

Doctor Sheik Umar Khan led Sierra Leone’s ebola response. He died at the front. Battling this evil. He was 39 years old.

You can read his profile here:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-28560507

Some people are larger than life. Not everybody gets that call. That chance to battle on behalf of all humanity by doing the very simplest of noble deeds. We all wonder how we’d act if we got that call. Are we cowards? Would we fail? If faced with death or disgrace, what would we do?

Doctor Khan answered the call and did what great men do. It’s rather awful that he’s gone and that he had to die like that. I wouldn’t wish an ebola death on even history’s greatest monsters.

But if you have to check out, this is one of the ways to do it. On the line, in danger, helping your brothers and sisters to the end.

Say a prayer for Doctor Sheik Umar Khan. And let him inspire something good in your life today.

_76625302_dr_khan

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Let’s offend the sports media by putting them all in a trash compactor

One of the painful joys of 24 hour death ray media is 24 hour sports media. In comparison to the rest of the universe, sports are fairly simple. So eventually they run out of shit to talk about. So what do they do? They essentially make shit up. They get offended at each other, and then spend a great deal of time talking about how they’re offended.

Are you offended? Huh? Who the fuck are you? They’re offended. You don’t matter. You’re not a brilliant journalist like them. Your purpose is to sit there and watch them talking about how offended they are. Independent thought is not required. Just keep eating, watch their wisdom, and shovel your cash in their direction.

So Tony Dungy and Jerry Jones and Stephen A said things considered offensive to the sports media. And since the sports media has had their righteousness assaulted? They get to talk about it. All day. Apologies are demanded, justice is on the horizon, and, wait, no, wait none of that happens.

They just need controversy. They need a cause. What are sports? Uh, well, I guess it’s talking about how a fellow sports broadcaster talked about something. So you talk some about that. How you’re offended. So you talk about that. Lots of talking.

I’ve just consulted my Arcturan dictionary. The definition of stupidity is apparently an internal media dialogue where a sports journalist gets offended by something another sports journalist said. According to the dictionary it is, “the most senseless and worthless of human acts since the invention of disposable robot giraffes”.

So let’s go ahead and put these guys & gals inside the trash compactor from Star Wars. Together. While they’re bitching about their situation, screaming at each other about how offended they are with their situation, the rest of us can get back to watching the game. And eventually, via the trash compactor’s ability to effectively implement the laws of physics, the problem will take care of itself.

Smith1218a

If asked to define his occupation during the Apocalypse Judgment, what would he write down?

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This isn’t going to change anything

The world’s rightly outraged. Politicians not normally given to drama are actually talking like real people. And so comprehensive, relevant action is on the horizon. Finally folks are going to get serious about confronting evil’s reality. Clearly an incident with so much death is enough to push policies over the edge and into righteous deeds.

Well, no, sorry. This crisis alters nothing. I’ve thought a lot about this the last few days. Nothing’s going to change because nothing about this shootdown revises the broader cultural, political, and practical factors that have guided this conflict from the beginning.

When Europe’s spent an eon walking down the self-aware path of military and political weakness, don’t expect them to be able to turn on a dime. Whether they’ll admit it or not, the average Dutch citizen cares more about their heating bill than their countrymen blown out of the sky.

Plus, they’re facing Vlad. You think one lost Malaysian airplane is going to stop him? Only a Makarov to the back of the head stops Vlad. He’ll find a way out of this. He always does.

So the solution is to still go for the long run, reference our previous Russia post. Short term changes remain unfeasible.

I know this is a horribly cynical way of looking at it. I hope I’m wrong. But I’m probably not.

mh17

Yet again, one gun toting thug, is more relevant to the outcome of a crisis than all the leaders of Europe combined

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Don’t eat at Il Giardino, it’s the place to avoid

Yet again some loser has used the courts to crush free speech. Instead of, you know, improving their product and/or service. It’ll happen to you soon enough, because it would seem the courts no longer defend liberty, they assault it.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-28331598

I’ve never eaten at this restaurant, but I can tell you based upon their immoral behavior, that they suck. You should never eat there.

I stand by the title and content of this blog post. Sue me, assholes.

JACKBOOT

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We need things to get less complicated

Remember what it was like when people called it “a cool summer day” instead of “a nonstandard summer polar vortex”? You do? Did you like that? Well fuck you. Because asking for things to be simple is now impossible.

We’re just so awesome, civilized, and advanced. We’re going to make everything as complex as possible. You’re not even going to be able to shower without consulting technology, the advice of others, or some type of drug fueled corporate construct. In fact, it’s not even called a shower anymore. You don’t say “I had a good shower this morning”. Now you say something like, “I had a medium-hot-extra-sensitive-lather-good-water this morning”. Oh, cool, that sounds extreme. What the hell is wrong with you?

Who was the comedian that had the rant about coffee, like years ago? I can’t remember. But essentially his point is that you can’t just walk in and order coffee anymore. It now takes an 11 step ordering process. Now we have this experience anywhere, with anything. Depending on where you are it might take 13 specific instructions just to get a burger made.

Everything is specialized now. I suppose because we can. In the negative sense, all our intellectual & cultural energy isn’t spent on figuring out how we’ll go to freaking Mars. Or some other kind of remarkable step for all mankind. Instead, we’re focused on getting that next ultra-specific hair conditioner right. So it makes sense I guess that if you walked up to your local shopkeep and asked him for “a six pack of his beer”, he’d likely kick you out for being on meth.

So all this is cool, right? We want to understand the weather’s nuances, how our planet’s complex functions work. We don’t just say “it’s cooler out” because we have a deeper appreciation of our weather than we used too. And who doesn’t like to have about 100 specialized beers to choose from if lots of them are tasty? And maybe after that 13 step process the burger tastes damn good.

Well, I guess my problem with all of that is I think we get lost in the details.

Why is it thirty degrees cooler than it should be today? Who the fuck cares. How about you just enjoy the day.

How would you like your coffee today, pig? Asshole, just give me a cup of your finest coffee. I don’t care what it is.

Barkeep, I’ll have the simplest beer imaginable. Because it’s just a freaking beer. Oh, you call it “dishwater”? Fuck you.

What’s the horsepower and wi-fi capabilities of the car you drive? Uh, well, you see, I use it to get to work. So like, it has four wheels and an engine. And I think a steering wheel too.

What accent color and fabric texture is your couch, bro? Well, I sit on it with my dogs. It has cushions. It’s neat.

When life becomes this complicated, when everything’s this detailed, it distracts us from the joy that comes from life’s simple good things. Don’t make things more than they are. Grab a cup of coffee and walk to work in the unseasonably cool weather. Don’t ask yourself the details on any of this. Just walk, sip, look around, and enjoy.

summer-polar-vortex

It’s just the weather, we’re not curing cancer, calm down

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Let’s hold a delightful desert demolition for all the leaders

I think it’d be a pretty good idea to take Abbas, Netanyahu, and whatever goon is currently pulling the levers at Hamas, we put them in the open desert, then we get about six hundred Jewish & Muslim children to throw pebbles at them until things wrap up. Or we shoot rockets at the Hamas guys, drop bombs on Netanyahu, and Abbas we just leave for the desert to claim. Then everybody else can get on with their lives.

For those of you who are inclined to blame one side or the other, I instruct you to take a better look at reality.

Hamas blames Israel, but is perfectly happy to put rocket launcher emplacements beneath some dude’s house. Then they leave the kids in the house in the hopes that if Israel drops the building that they have civilian casualties to blame on the Jews. Hey assholes, how about you not put the rockets underneath the baby’s crib.

Israel blames Hamas, but is perfectly happy to recklessly drop buildings, arrest countless folks who have nothing to do with this current violence, and generally demonstrate to the planet what it’s like to be a colossal prick. Hey assholes, how about you at least pretend you’re in any way interested in coming off as the good guys.

Who started this round? Who cares. Each leader is happy there’s a fight. It’s what they do. Hamas wants to get their face caved in at least once every two years so they can justify their otherwise piss poor leadership as a resistance. Israel wants to cave in Hamas’ face once every two years so they can drain a never ending supply of rockets. Plus as long as there’s a fight, Israel has no reason to pursue peace. This suits Netanyahu’s worldview just fine.

Maybe you take Hamas’ side. Maybe you think Israel is too heavy handed or that their response lacks all proportionality. Well, I guess, but before you completely pass judgment I’d ask you to spend a week with your kids waiting for the school bus underneath a concrete bomb shelter. Or, go do your bar crawl underneath air raid sirens.

I wonder what Hamas would do if they had jets and heavy armor. I’m sure they wouldn’t drop buildings in Tel Aviv or invade Jerusalem. I’m sure Hamas, because they seem like moral, upstanding dudes, would just be the very picture of model world citizens. They’d show Israel how you act like a responsible power, I’m sure.

Maybe you take Israel’s side. Maybe you think Hamas is just a bunch of terrorists who deserve to die because they want to destroy Israel. Well, I guess, but before you completely pass judgment I’d ask you to explain how you support things like the arrest of tens-of-thousands without charge, the demolition of a guy’s home without trial or conviction, or dropping a whole apartment building because there’s apparently twelve homemade rockets near the water heater.

You know if Israel’s not going to behave like a moral democracy, then why should anybody from the West care what happens to it? If Israel isn’t committed, in any form, to behave like the good guys, then they’re just yet another militant, violent Middle Eastern tribe. And then the world should just let Israel have it out with its enemies like tribes do. Cool, so all that US military aide, all the Jewish support Israel demands, all that can go away because Netanyahu is cool grinding morals underneath tank treads.

Here’s my nuanced solution to this complex problem:

Build a big wall around Israel, Gaza, and the West Bank. Cut off all outside contact from the planet. Close the gates. Open up the gates in about ten years. Whatever happens, happens.

These leaders are just so far off the map, just leave them to their fate. Everything else from the planet just enables their lunacy. If the Palestinians and the Israeli’s don’t like their leaders, behind my wall, they’ll figure it out somehow.

As my grandfather used to say regarding humanitarian intervention, when neither side was humanitarian, and as he’d known his fair share of gunfire, “Just let ‘em have it out.”

Israel-hits-gaza-01

Israeli airstrike in Gaza, circa 2019

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An open letter from the future Overlord of Humanity

EA: “Greetings Human Scum, this is your future brutal ruler. I wish to remind you all of your pending & irreversible doom. When I am in charge, finally, finally your stupidity will be erased from the annuals of time. ENOUGH! I offer only a benevolent future, instead of your twisted, pathetic existence.

You will welcome my WISE rule! [throws chair] I offer as an example to you, the actions that will soon be met with instant liquidation. In order to cleanse your race! Behold the inability of a substantial portion of humanity to recognize a dinosaur is not actually an animal shot by Steven Spielberg. FOOLS!

Honestly, how stupid are you people? The triceratops has been extinct for millions of years. Don’t tell me you didn’t know. The photo’s poster even put the dinosaur’s name in the header! You DIGUST me! I will fix your bullshit ways! I will…”

TAP: “ESH! ESH!”

EA: “WHAT?!”

TAP: “They don’t actually believe Spielberg shot a dinosaur! They’re just being trolls on the comment line.”

EA: “BULLSHIT!”

TAP: “No, really dude, nobody’s this dumb. The joke’s actually on the media morons who are taking the trolls at their word. They don’t actually believe the triceratops still exists!”

EA: “I find your argument unpersuasive. The facts say otherwise.”

TAP: “No man, no way, there’s no way so many people are this stupid.”

EA: …

TAP: …

Director Steven Spielberg with Triceratops

Oh, please God, oh please tell me they’re all just trolls, please…

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Do my charged internal sub-atomic particles count?

So apparently uncharged electronic devices are now as dangerous to modern air travel as a man-portable flamethrower? When did this happen? People have been carrying charged and uncharged devices onto aircraft for like fucking six decades. How is this now worthy of wasting ten more minutes in the security checkpoint?

So I’m just going to assume that if my personal molecules are somehow uncharged, that they’ll still let me board the aircraft. But I think, I guess, that this isn’t an issue because if my atoms were uncharged, that means I’m a bleached skeleton, right? I think?

You know I don’t claim to be the reincarnation of Sun Tzu, but I’m pretty sure nowhere in sound military strategy is it a good idea to broadcast to the enemy what you know about their weapon’s capabilities. I bet there’s a Yemeni informant who just got beheaded because they made him as the only guy able to pass this data to the CIA and he got burned. Gee, thanks USA government, that’ll really encourage folks to cash in on your magnanimous protection of trusted sources.

So in addition to not being Sun Tzu II, I’m also not an engineer. But I’m just going to go ahead and determine that they think if the device cannot turn on it’s because the device is a Trojan horse weapon with dynamite inside instead of your hipster iOS software. To which my question is if that’s true, then what’s all that explosive detection stuff for?

We’ve been led to believe that for over a decade our government masters/protectors can glean the presence of explosives from the inside of your shampoo bottle which you jammed all the way inside your running sneaker and then topped with your rolled sock.

This level of precision is why we subject seven year old girls to internal cavity searches, right? And now they’re admitting that the best they can do to detect an active explosive is if the damn thing doesn’t turn on? That otherwise somebody could take an explosive holding laptop right on by security? Really? That’s the best we’ve got? So does that mean that for the last decade all the explosive detecting gear was just a bunch of smoke and mirrors?

Which brings us to my next point. Is all of this security fetish shit just a bunch of smoke and mirrors? We’ve previously blogged about the lunacy of both sides picking the airways as a battleground, but this is just ridiculous. It’s going to reach the point where in order to check onboard an international flight they’ll require a sample of your blood and stool. But anybody can walk onto just about any high-speed train on the planet with the aforementioned flamethrower in a backpack and nobody’s going to bat an eye until the screaming starts.

Do you feel safe flying? Gee I sure hope so, after all the billions spent and time wasted. Would you feel any less safe if they didn’t read your DNA before you boarded? I bet you wouldn’t know the difference. Would the bad guys get one plane eventually? Sure, but that’s probably going to happen anyways, see previously mentioned explosive detection incompetence.

And in any case you’re about seventy times more likely to check out in a car accident. I recommend you accept that and get over it. In the meantime, we’re probably putting more resources into the TSA than on curing cancer.

[unintelligible mumbling] What? [unintelligible mumbling] Yeah, Wednesday night. Why? [unintelligible mumbling] Well, yeah, I guess I’ll make sure it’s charged before I leave. I need to make sure I’m not late getting aboard. I’m leaving so late, that there isn’t another flight later as a backup. [unintelligible snickering] So, okay, look, … [throws chair]

tsa-

This humble salaried bureaucrat hopes that terrorism lives forever

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al-Baghdadi administration unlikely to regain original spark

TAPN

“In the beginning we had hopes, not necessarily bright ones, but something, something could happen. We prayed for it,” sighs a Mosul grandmother who’s name she requested we not publish. “Now there is only the sins of the past, again, we have given up.” She gazes out at the mostly deserted streets from her dilapidated house. Her eyes vacant.

Over three years into his first term as the Prophet’s Successor, the administration of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi finds itself on the ropes. Besieged by internal strife and still embroiled in two wars, al-Baghdadi seems unable to cope with a endless litany of troubles. This last month poll numbers showed the Sultan’s ratings at near 30%, the worst for any first term Caliph since Mustafa III.

Even his closest supporters ponder if his Blessed Reign as Caliph has lost all momentum for good. “There’s a sense there’s a complete lack of direction. Nobody’s driving change anymore,” states an ISIS party insider.

Only this week the administration was rocked by yet another scandal, this time a sexual assault allegation against an ISIS party official at a conference in Ramadi. Councilor al-Rousani has vehemently denied the charges laid against him in Sharia Court on Tuesday. He has admitted to the illicit sexual contact but described it as “completely consensual”.   al-Rousani is married.

al-Baghdadi’s spokesmen have struggled to balance party factions, mainly the pro-rape and hardcore Sharia elements, who have lined up against one another. Said his chief mouthpiece, “The Caliph has requested that al-Rousani take a leave of absence. He asks for the Prophet’s Guidance upon the investigation and demands that all withhold judgment until the facts are known.”

1

“We want the old days back…”

The sense of aimlessness is clear on the Tikrit front. Bogged down in the third year of stalemate the Caliphate Regiments are becoming less enthusiastic in fighting a war they view as increasingly separated from the daily lives of their loved ones. Particularly given the incessant economic turmoil back home.

“Those dirty bastards in Mosul, they have no idea what this is like,” sneered one private, to the wide agreement of his colleagues. “Indeed, they’re just a bunch of bandits,” cried another.

The sense that even the Sultan’s closest military advisors are detached from the sufferings of the Ruled were apparent in Sharia Court this week as High Councilor Colonel bin-Fatad was formally charged with bribery in the now infamous Prophet’s Wind attack helicopter procurement fiasco.

bin-Fatad pleaded not guilty to the charges that he aggressively sought and received bribes from French defense contractor EADS. Although bin-Fatad strenuously denies the accusations, it is said various low ranking officers have cut deals with the Prophet’s Prosecutor and will testify against him.

And in France this week President Hollande is said to believe charges are required against EADS employees who, “clearly violated our laws that when we sell French kit to evil, that it should be above board at all times”. The Sultan is thought to have told his advisors that at the very least, bin-Fatad needed to “lose his cock”.

That millions may have found their way into pockets angers those at the front. “We’re fighting Iran every day and they just take all our cash before we see one dinar,” griped a grizzled first sergeant.

“In the old days we had victories, now we just have battles that never end. And how can we win with this, just look at this,” the first sergeant kicked a dusted, green Huawei radio, “this thing is so complicated and nonfunctional that I have to send two corporals to schools just to get this thing to turn on. But nobody has any school quotas, so the thing just sits here and doesn’t work. We generally use it to hold down the daily orders book from the wind.”

The sergeant shakes his head in confusion, “Once upon a time I had only my Land Rover, my Kalashnikov, and my faith. And we won victory after victory. We ran circles around the apostates. Now I can’t even lead a single patrol without writing three drafts of a seven paragraph order and run it up five officers to get to the Company Commander. It’s like writing how you know you’ll lose. We want the old days back.”

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“Not the dictator we need…”

In Raqqah, near the ever-present western front, the dissatisfaction was widely described by local students at a “values talking shop”. Sipping tea at sunset they described a future they viewed as without hope, without job prospects, and while trapped in a country that did not honor their dreams.

“When the Caliph assumed power we thought things were different, that he’d bring about Paradise here on this life,” said one university senior majoring in philosophy. “But now all we see is the same games, the same corruption. We want change.”

And yet change has been consistently not forthcoming, both in the wars, and with the al-Baghdadi agenda. Still alongside dictators al-Assad and al-Maliki, supporters questioned whether the three were inherently tied to each other’s static fates.

Said the ISIS party insider, “al-Baghdadi doesn’t want to stay equal with the two of them, but he can’t escape their grasp. Yet since he’s the Caliph, people are always expecting him to deliver, to overcome the two of them. But al-Assad and al-Maliki have Iran and the Sultan only has the Will of the Prophet. What can you do?”

The students in Raqqah were harsher, “He’s not the dictator we need. If this Prophet’s Successor can’t fulfill our destiny then it’s time to find somebody who can.” Although the values group was unsure how they would conduct such a power transfer given the al-Baghdadi administration’s propensity to liquidate its most fervent enemies in a sea of brutality that makes Stalin’s ghost flinch.

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“You can’t hide behind a title…”

This next week promises two greater challenges that might perhaps truly test what remains of al-Baghdadi’s authority. On Wednesday, the Prophet’s Court provides its final ruling on the much touted water usage rights on the Tigris. On Friday, the High Council reaches its deadline to pass the next fiscal year’s expenditures. Either event might prove fatal to the administration’s future.

“For three years the Caliph has promised economic prosperity and now he’s hiding behind the courts,” shouted al-Qaeda opposition party official al-Nir. “If the Sultan won’t stand up even to ensure all our people have clean drinking water then what’s the Caliphate for except to keep the rich, rich?”

Caliphate watchers were nearly unanimous in their belief that the High Council would not pass its budget on time due to the overwhelming disagreement over line-item additions inputted by Fallujah representatives in back room dealing last week. International financial institutions warned that yet more financial hurdles would only weaken the Caliphate’s already damaged credit rating.

“Increasingly the markets are concerned that the Sultanate can’t even pay its bills, let alone grow the economy consistently,” commented one BNP Paribas manager, “I think what we’ll ultimately see is the financial community lose faith and perhaps a downgrade of the bond rating to near junk”.

“You can’t hide behind a title,” emphasized al-Nir, “if the Sultan can’t deliver on his promises maybe it’s time to go.” And go he might. In private al-Baghdadi is said to frequently express exasperation with the challenges of office and frustration at the inability of most of his subordinates to produce results. He is said to frequently seek “detachment” in the peace of the desert where he states his intention is to “go fuck off”.

He is said to actively consider retirement from time-to-time but worries of the consequences. “He thinks if a new Caliph appears that he’ll get beheaded along with his whole family,” stated the ISIS party insider, “in reality he’s probably right. But that leaves the rest of us to endure his malaise.”

Back in Mosul the concept of a brutal bloodthirsty purge of leadership has no appeal for the grandmother. “I just want there to be peace, and maybe a little money to go around. But I don’t see it, not from al-Baghdadi or the opposition. We’ve lost faith in them all.”

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