Nigeria’s not going to make it

This post fulfills a promise I made to my military advisory council of ghosts a few weeks back.  So I guess we’re in quite the pessimistic mood lately.  We destroyed Israel a few days ago, now we’ll move on to Nigeria.

1) You can rob a country until it dies

The world’s greatest thieves don’t live in London or work on Wall Street.  They reside in mansions outside Lagos and Abuja.  Every year they steal more from one of the world’s poorest nations than bankers pilfer from the richest.  They siphon off billions each month.  Everybody knows they’re doing it.  Everybody knows who’s doing it.  Everybody knows they’re getting away with it.  The greatest mark of a successful crook is when you can rob at will and never get punished.  You can count the number of people convicted and jailed for capital corruption in Nigeria on one hand.

The breadth of corruption in Nigeria is hard to describe.  It’s beyond comprehension how vast and ingrained the evil is within the state and business community.  Generally people want to believe that folks will do the right thing.  How does this work when corruption is not part of the system, but is the system.  As currently configured, Nigeria’s government is not in place to govern, but to plunder.  It serves no other reasonable purpose.  Just ask your Nigerian neighbor who pays bribes, has no reliable electricity supply, is not safe, and drives over terrible roads.  What little filters down to the people is to appease them just enough so the government can continue to extract cash.  This trait is common within many countries but in Nigeria they’ve got it to an art.

Oil is often blamed for both creating and greasing this structure.  Yet oil is just the method, not the source, or the end.  Without oil this would still occur, the bandits would just be poorer.  So why do they get away with it?  They are in complete control.  In many nations those who govern and those who carry guns are two different aspects of the elite.  This causes competition and strife.  Nigeria’s gun carriers and pen pushers are the same people.  They work together to keep it going.  They compete with each other to reach and maintain their positions at the top, but are very good at understanding that you can’t push too hard against one another.  Push too hard and you overturn the table.  And everybody wants to sit at the table.

Why do the people put up with it?  There are no people of Nigeria.

2) You weren’t meant to be

Nigeria’s army, government, and elite are local but also essentially national.  The people of Nigeria are local only.  This country does not exist.  Its borders were drawn by colonials who had an understanding of what they were doing, but did not care.  Independence made the problem worse.  Even the British were smart enough to realize they had to keep the north and south separate.  Pulled together, they make no sense as one country.  Some African nations must deal with dozens of disparate ethnic groups to make one people.  Nigeria has hundreds.

The elite prey upon this division.  To some people, they are the champions of their tribes and ethnic kin.  When your head man has a seat at the table, he can funnel what little cash the people get to your people.  If you desire to speak up, fight the power, the elite don’t have to tear gas you.  Your neighbors will take care of that for them.  Why are you ruining things?  Without our man at the table, we’ll all be poorer.

Occasionally it becomes too much.  The thievery, poverty, and desperation boils ever as in the Delta States.  Not a problem, for the very few times where people actually take up arms there is one of Africa’s largest armies to assist.  The sons of hundreds of tribes against a few that don’t know enough to play the game.  If killing them doesn’t work, try and buy them off.  Just get them to calm down so the robbery can resume.  You don’t need to please people, or even get them to obey, you just need them to do nothing.

On the horizon, a hint of what might be.  In Lagos or Abuja where everybody is mixed together you could get there.  Where were you born, friend?  In Lagos, Nigeria.  What tribe, friend?  What do you mean?  My grandfather was born in Lagos too.  Except that this isn’t going to work either.  A united Lagos or Abuja alone cannot overturn a system so widespread.  The country is too big and complicated, even for a city the size of Lagos.  In a construct of 36 states, Lagos is one.  Lagos has a lot of people, but only 5-10% of the country’s population.  Lagos dominates the economy, but economic power is irrelevant to change when the genesis of the arrangement is not growth but the removal of wealth.

And how can a united Nigerian people in Lagos fix the country, when they’re fighting for their own survival.

delta

3) You can’t take care of yourself

One day, the largest city by population on the planet will be Lagos.  In most aspects it is already the economic and cultural engine of the continent as a whole.  If you want to see the picture of Africa’s bright future, spend a week in Lagos.  Observe the energy, the speed, the intensity; millions of people grinding their way forward.  If you’re here, you can do anything.  You can make it.

But most aren’t going to make it.  Depending on your view of the planet, you could call Lagos a slum before a city.  When this urban entity is the largest on the planet the majority will likely live in it without running water, functioning sewers, reliable electricity, or effective government.  The planet has never seen anything like it.  Even the worst caldrons in the world today cannot compare with what’s coming.  It is common in science fiction to portray the apocalypse and armageddon right before our eyes.  Where the very richest perfect specimens of humanity live within eyesight of folks still caught in the year 300.  This vision will reach its truest form in Lagos, and probably several other cities worldwide by 2090.

Even the purest government on Earth is incapable of solving these problems.  Surely one of the world’s worst will flail at the challenges this reality will produce.  Corruption is an awful thing, but when you don’t know where your next drink of clean water is coming from, you’re not ready to take a tear gas salvo.  You apparently live in a country called Nigeria, but couldn’t care less when your defecating in a plastic bucket.  You’re part of a bright future, but on your way there, you’ll pay two bribes, risk a mugging, car accident, or fatal disease all before you reach your first hour of dreary, toiling work.  If you’re lucky to have a job at all.

This is insanity, the human condition made outside knowledge.  And where madness reigns, so lunacy is born.

lagos

4) If you can’t beat these guys, you’re finished

How many dedicated individuals does it take to ruin a country of 200 million?  When you’re as fragile as Nigeria the answer is ten-thousand.  Nobody knows how many militants serve Boko Haram and its more radical affiliates like Ansaru.  I’m just going to guess ten-thousand, although I’m sure the number is far lower.  All that I’ve described as the future of much of Lagos is already present in the north.  Once the world’s richest economic zone, it is now reduced to decay and desperation by a crippled Saharan trade and a collapsed textile industry.

And so born from this sad story is a group capable of executing children on a regular basis.  Even worse is it’s done without a purpose.  There appear no reasonable goals from Boko Haram or Ansaru.  They are different from the Delta States militias in that they want nothing from the state.  Claims for an Islamic future or overturning the existing order are not realistic or achievable.  If a million in Lagos could not destroy the state, what chance do the ten-thousand have?  None, and they don’t care.  What have they got to lose?  What great life awaits them if they come in off the battlefield?

And pitted against them is what was once considered the largest and best trained army in Africa.  Except that it no longer exists, if it ever did.  You cannot ask a burglar with a gun to become a soldier with a gun overnight.  Any halfway competent army can defend schools, whole towns, the very life of its country.  This army can’t.  Boko Haram is not brutalizing the population with advanced weaponry or the backing of a world power.  They conduct their work up close and personal with light firearms, blades, and flame.

Like many times in human history, cruel, never-ending violence shall expose in the most glaring way what actually exists.  The state cannot protect let alone serve the people.  Nigeria cannot defeat Boko Haram because this government, this leadership, is incapable of it.  It is not who they are.  It is not the organism they built.  And of course, worst of all, they don’t care either.  Boko Haram is up there.  We’re down here behind mansion walls.

Thus it’ll go on.  It’s not going to stop.  Any part of it all.

boko

5) It adds up

So how does this end?  With the collapse of the country?  Shall Nigeria divide into dozens of small nations?  No actually, the country will survive.  It’s not going to come apart.  It will endure.  Maybe even slowly improve.  We’re only human, sometimes it’s all just too much.  We cannot function, but quitting is not our way.  We have to try, we have to try because mass suicide or dejection isn’t in us.  Nigeria’s not going to make it.  But they’re certainly going to try.

Perhaps the most tragic fact is that given all these circumstances, Nigeria still won’t be destroyed.  If obliterated, it could at least be rebuilt better.  Nigeria’s not going to make it.  But it will go on.  And I will pray that I am wrong.  So very wrong.

lagos sunset

Setting or rising?

Film in the Middle East – Banning Noah

Many people focused today on pivotal issues such as a missing airplane, invasion plans, and whether $12 million on one man is enough to buy your way out of Super Bowl shame.  I on the other hand spent my day figuring out the greatest mystery since King Tutankhamun’s tomb:

Why are several Gulf states banning the masterpiece hit film Noah?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-26568107

To get to the bottom of this crisis I commuted today to Doha via an Arcturan Teledar sortie.  There I spoke with Professor Ali Hassan bin Angry of the Doha Institute for Offended Studies.

The Arcturus Project:  Professor Hassan, thanks so much for agreeing to speak with us.

Professor Hassan:  My pleasure, Sir.

TAP:  Why so quick to ban a film you haven’t even seen?

PH:  Well, it’s not necessarily the content of the film, but as we understand it Nūh is depicted directly in the film…

TAP:  Yes, I saw Russell Crowe’s dreamy face in the previews.

PH:  Exactly, and in Islam we consider it blasphemy to show the face of a prophet, any prophet.

TAP:  And so the ban.

PH:  Yes, of course.

TAP:  Why did you not just ask Paramount to blur Crowe’s face throughout the film?  It might have actually improved the viewing experience.

PH:  Ah, I suppose we never considered it.  It’s just blasphemous.

TAP:  Do you hope all nations with Islamic populations will ban the flick?

PH:  Of course, it’s sacrilege and offensive to our values.

TAP:  You do realize they don’t actually intend to offend you, they just want to make a shit ton of cash.

PH:  Pardon?

TAP:  They’ve managed to offend nearly every religion on the planet by making this film.  I think even a Buddhist monk wants to vomit somewhere, but they don’t want to offend people because if they offend somebody they can’t take their cash.

PH:  But they had to have seen this coming?

TAP:  I think they just figured they’d take the risk.  They have to cash in on the name.

PH:  I don’t understand?

TAP:  Everybody on the planet knows Noah’s name.  So if they make a movie about him, people will in theory hand over cash because of name recognition.  This movie isn’t about religion, it’s about a guy named Noah.  They don’t care about his story.  They just want you in the door because you know his name.  After that, they could have Noah solving bank robberies for all Paramount cares.

PH:  Well, then certainly we’ve made the right choice by banning such a disgusting cash grab!

TAP:  No see, you’re wrong, by banning the movie you’ve undoubtedly ensured millions in the Islamic world will see this via an online hack site or something.  Since you’ve banned it, now they’ll have to see it.

PH:  There’s no way that’s true.

TAP:  It happens all the time.  You think anybody actually wanted to watch Passion of the Christ?  It’s just several hours of a decent guy getting the shit kicked out of him.  But then a bunch of you guys banned it and it got more press.

PH:  That was never our intention though.

TAP:  You need to learn from your mistakes, there’s going to be more films like this.

PH:  More?!  They must have mercy upon us.

TAP:  They won’t, any concept that has anything with a recognizable name is going to get packaged into a shitty film and shoved down your throat.  Religious characters, historical dude, the freaking zoo, anything.  They’ll shove out one with a Rubik’s Cube next year for sure.

PH:  You mean that colored square?

TAP:  Exactly.

PH:  Why would they do such an evil thing?  Why so quickly?

TAP:  They have to get the movie out there before they lose the name recognition.  In ten years nobody will know what a Rubik’s Cube is anymore because it’s not a smartphone application.

PH:  You’ve opened my eyes to a great evil but I find your assertion that the Rubik’s Cube movie is coming as dubious.

TAP:  How do you figure?

PH:  This is insane, what would the Cube do?

TAP:  I don’t know, fight Satan.

PH:  How is a Rubik’s Cube going to fight Satan?

TAP:  With, ah, with its mind.

PH:  …

TAP:  So like the cube will stump Satan because he can’t do math, and then he’ll surrender, and the Cube will walk away with the girl.

PH:  The Dark One’s enslaved the human race with hate and darkness for over five thousand years.  I’m pretty sure he can do complex math!

TAP:  Hey listen buddy, whose interview is this anyways?

PH:  Yes, yes, yours, publish your article!  Let your insanity widely disperse.  I stand by the ban.

TAP:  Article, yeah, so…

PH:  You represent the San Francisco Chronicle!  I agreed to this interview as such!

TAP:  Yeah, they’ve uh, they’ve got me on retainer.  I love Frisco.

PH:   …

TAP:  …

PH:  Do you have a card!?

TAP:  I have an Arcturan enforcer waiting for me outside in the parking lot.  He can’t go home until I do.

PH:  Can he fly me too? 

TAP:  Why?

PH:  I believe I have found an equitable solution to both our problems. 

TAP:  I’m listening.

In a shocking event the home of respected filmmaker Darren Aronofsky was found incinerated this morning.  His fate is unknown as police believe it will take weeks to search for his remains, should they exist inside.  Religious groups worldwide are acclaiming this as “God’s justice” for the “blasphemy” evident in his latest film Noah.  Studios worldwide are said to be considering a rethink of their plans for dozens of films “inspired by actual religions events”.

Now to our next story.  Police are hot on the case of a complaint from a local pirate themed bar of the “loud and disgusting” behavior of a trio of patrons (one dressed in an alien costume) who drank heavily, shouted at staff and other patrons, sang obnoxiously of their ‘victory’, punched a teenage waitress in the face, and rode the pirate mannequin out the door when threated with a police call.  The authorities are said to be investigating. 

NOAH

You know his name.  For the purposes of this film, his story is irrelevant.  Please relinquish your cash in an orderly manner.

We only care because they told us to

I ask you friends, do you honestly care about the Oscar Pistorius trial?  I hope your answer’s no, because if it’s yes just please go away.  You’re not welcome here.

We all love drama right?  In the movies, television, and books?  But the best kind of drama is the one in real life.  Oh, how awesome is it!  And with the Pistorius trial we get the very best traits too!  We’ve got an international Olympic star with no legs.  An extremely attractive woman brutally shot.  Guns.  Screaming.  A guy with no legs.  An austere, little known (for the ignorant West) location in South Africa.  A beautiful girl.  Guns.  And a bathroom door.

If I was to set up a lawn chair inside a courtroom, eat popcorn, and cackle loudly like an asshole as people’s lives were destroyed, I’d be considered a horrible human being.  But our blessed media has made billions doing just that.  They then provide this experience to the popcorn eating masses so they can escape from their dreary lives by indulging in the misery of others.  Maybe we should just watch more sports instead.  At least in sports there’s a clear winner.

Hey friends, you do know that these people’s lives are completely obliterated right?  There is no winner from the Pistorius trial.  Everybody loses.  Her especially, but also him, South African society, the police, the courts, and so on.  In fact, pretty much everybody but the media is taking a shot in the face (pun intended).

Perhaps I’m just being my usual cheery self.  I mean, this is a long lasting human tradition.  I’m pretty sure when Caveman Steve bent in Caveman Al’s skull with a rock that the entire cave was gossiping about it for seven weeks as the tribal council determined what body part to take from Caveman Steve.  Still, we’re supposed to evolve right?

As a free thinking sentient human being you have no reason to care about Pistorius, Knox, or Caveman Steve.  The media only wants you to care so they can get your eyes and they can make a bunch of cash.  Just ignore it, you’re better off.

death

Yes, yes, please come listen to my delightful tale.

The machines aren’t taking over

Next Thursday you get to commute to work drunk, while texting, without even knowing what city you’re in. Because according to people who are smarter (not smarter) than I, self-driving cars are on offer for delivery to your garage (or palace) next week. And self-driving ships are just around the corner too:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-26438661

Except that they’re not. It’s not going to happen. But enjoy all the fun thinking about it.

Two things are going to prevent the machines from taking over our cars, ships, planes, tuk-tuks, and brains.

1) Lawyers

The Children of Satan are going to run these ideas in the ground. If your self-driving car hits another car who pays? You? Them? The program coder? Your car? Your ex-wife? Think you can answer this question? You probably can, you’re an intelligent person. The problem is you don’t have enough money or influence to buy the votes that will write the laws that govern this. And they’ll screw it up. The dispute resolution process is going to be more complicated than a twelve year old explaining to you how to do long division again.

2) Cash

In order for the concept of self-driving hunks of steel to actually work, they have to achieve widespread use. Otherwise it’s just a fluke for rich assholes. I can buy my own jet car but that doesn’t change humanity. Nobody’s going to have the cash to buy these things. The freaks will claim that over time the costs will come down and your local grocery bagger can buy one too. They’re lying. Personal desktop computers were around for thirty years before the smartphone obliterated them from dominance. During that time their prices were consistently $1K-$2K depending on your desired model. If the freaks have shown anything, it’s that the cost of their technology won’t be coming down.

And in any case, why bother? Who cares? So cars and ships are more efficient driving themselves? So we can drink beer or check our e-mail while our car drives itself? Your car’s still going to sit in traffic whether you’re in control or not. The plane will still take off and land regardless of who’s up front. But driverless cars are safer! Yep, sure they are, and my computer never crashes. Ever.

So automated technology will displace humans so they can do what? The freaks will tell you that it frees the human mind to do other things. So the deck seaman on the Maersk container ship is going to become an artist or entrepreneur or something? Yeah, good luck with that.

It all just feels like a waste. Where do we draw the line and say, thanks machines, but this is ours because we’re alive and not non-sentient plants. Shall we allow the freaks to get the machines to cook us dinner, read to our kids, scratch our backs too? Sooner or later we’re going to have to remember that we’re freaking alive.

The author of this blog still looks up directions (yes, online, okay) and writes them on a small sheet of paper before leaving in his pocket car. If I get lost, oh well. At least it allows me to know where the hell I am over time. When you’re just having your smartphone tell you where to turn, maybe you’d better hope it drives you off a bridge. Best to enjoy life and do things for yourself. You’re not going to be here much longer anyways.

ship

Hello humans, my name is Ship, and I’m so very, very boring.

You’re too stupid to know better

Put your trust in strangers.  They’ve never met you.  They know nothing about you.  But they know what’s best for you right?  If only you were as smart as them, you’d live a longer, happier, and more fulfilling life.  Except if you got cleaved in half in a monstrous car wreck on the way to work one July morning, but I guess that’s beside the point.

You don’t really feel what you’re doing is wrong, you’re just living your life.  Or maybe you do feel that what you’re doing is wrong, and you do it anyways.  Why?  For a whole bunch of reasons.  Maybe you want it.  Maybe you need it.  Maybe you just don’t give a shit.  Either way you’re an adult who can make his or her own decisions right?  Well, no.  Why?  Because there are other adults who have decided it is their mission in life to think for you.  What’s that?  [pause]  Oh, you’re not prepared to obey?  Well fuck you.

Today the Los Angeles City Council, which is apparently too busy to tackle important issues in their city (such as why they still don’t have an NFL team) decided they needed to vote new laws that treat e-cigarettes like regular cigarettes.

The vote was 14-0.  Yes friends, 14 to zero.  You probably couldn’t get these 14 meatbags to agree on the time of day, but they’ll vote unanimous when it comes to controlling your behavior.

http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-los-angeles-ecigarettes-ban-20140304,0,4359853.story#axzz2v2du1RPZ

I’m trying really, really hard to wrap my brain around this one without resorting to intellectual violence.  So I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they all voted along these lines for two reasons:

a) They genuinely believe their vote will keep people healthy

b) They banned e-cigarettes because they have the word cigarette in their name

Wait no, that isn’t the case at all.  They voted along these lines because they:

c) Want to control how you think, especially if that helps them accomplish bullet (a) and they could not care less of the consequences of their actions

The most transparent statement came from Council President Wesson.  Herb smoked for decades and then stopped because he’d determined his habit, “would almost certainly kill him one day”.  So Herb made a choice, on his own (and/or with some help), to quit smoking.  But what he’s saying with his vote is that the average smoker is not intelligent enough to make the same judgment on his or her own.  Herb decided he must vote a law that makes that choice for other people.  Now I bet Herb is truly trying to do the right thing, but he’s wrong.

Are e-cigarettes as healthy as pure spring water?  Why no, far from it.  Are they better for your body than regular cigarettes?  Of course.  A step down is a step down.  But to me, this is really about more than that.  What the Los Angeles City Council is saying is the same thing that hundreds of other government and private bodies have said over the past hundred or so years:

“You’re too stupid to know better.  So we’ll tell you what to think by making it illegal.”

Thus we get the laws and society we live in today.  In this idiot’s opinion, it isn’t worth it.  I would legalize it all, everything.  Want to drink bleach?  Go right ahead.  Want to smoke?  Let me get you a light.  Want to sniff cocaine?  Let me get you a clean razor blade.

Now this is extreme.  Would I really do this?  No.  I’d probably say something like, “Hey [insert name here], let’s talk this out.”  Those of you out there who are enforcers would say that’s the point of these laws.  The Council voted that way to take these situations out of the equation.  Your humble blog author won’t have to talk people out of it because it’ll all be illegal.  Oh, I see, so how’s that working out for us with say, cocaine, or weed?

1) When the government  and/or a corporation are in the business of telling you what you can or cannot put in your body, there is no limit to how far they can go.

2) If we’re at the point where people feel they must order you on what you can do with your own body, freedom doesn’t exist.

I know what I’m saying.  I understand the danger of what I’m advocating.  I’ve known people (some very close friends & family) addicted to cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, Arcturus meth dust, and so on.  But if you’re an adult (nothing I’m saying applies to kids) you’re self-aware enough to make these decisions for yourself.  And if or you die in a back row townhome via a crack overdose or you die of lung cancer when you’re 45?  Oh well.  You made the call.  Live with it or not.

The government and/or a corporation could probably help you get kick the addiction, if you’re willing.  Think of all the good people could do with all the mental energy and physical resources society spends on prevention and incarceration if we spent it instead on treatment?  The American DEA spends $3 billion a year to fail at its mission, let’s start with them.

Legalize it all.  Take the control of your life out of the hands of strangers.  You’re intelligent enough.  Either way, it’s your right to decide for yourself.

Vampire

Please trust me to tell you what’s best.  Honestly, I know better.  You can trust this face.

Get ready to pay to breathe air

Should you have to pay to park at a hospital to visit a family member?  Your answer is probably no.  But you’ll have to do it, unless you’re already doing it, in which case I feel your pain.  Welcome friends, to the new era where even your very darkest moments are a commodity worthy of exploitation by a spreadsheet metric that determines an increase of 0.47% per quarter is worth overpowering that basic human value:  “In general, try to treat your neighbor as you’d like to be treated.”

Here’s another delightful example that even the most grizzled Arcturan enforcer would find abhorrent.  Jennette’s Pier in Nags Head, North Carolina, USA has existed since 1939.  You’ve had to pay to fish, crab, or hold parties on it.  But since its creation you could at least walk on the damn thing for free.  This masterpiece is owned by the state of North Carolina but managed by a private entity, a true match made in hell.  Now you have to pay $2 just to walk on it.  Remember strolling down that [insert anything here] with your family as a child, all those good times, the memories that last forever?  Well fuck you!  So a cherished one-hundred year tradition falls victim to the new basic human value:  “Where possible, be a dick.”

Easy payment of things with your smartphone or future brain chip is real fun and trouble-free right?  It won’t be.  When all you have to do is waive your future brain phone against a machine to extract payment directly from your bank account in a fraction of a second?  Well friends, you’re going to pay just so you can expel carbon dioxide.  Your local, state, and federal government(s) are going to get in on it too.  Don’t think your taxes are enough, your local deputy-under-assistant city planner needs new boots.  It’s so easy that everybody is going to charge you money to do everything.

Want to => quick pay please

-Cover charge to enter a high traffic public urban zone on foot $5

-Enter a public park with your family $2

-Park at a hospital $5

-Retrieve your mail $1

-Walk hand-in-hand with your significant other on a pier that’s existed for 100 years $2

-Watch your kid’s game from the stands $3

-Observe the sunset from a popular location $5

-Retrieve your e-mail $1

-Call to speak with your local government for assistance with anything $1

-Drive on any road, anywhere $6

-Pick somebody up from the airport curbside $4

-Consult with a deity $0.02

Think I’m crazy?  Well, that’s true, but as discussed, it’s already started to happen.  Enjoy it, because there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Businessman-computer

“Yeah, we have a lot of money, but you don’t understand, we need more, and you’re going to give it to us.  (chuckles)  [pause]  Yes, I understand, but what are you going to do about?  [pause]  Ah, no, no, you’re going to pay, trust me.”

Internet – You’ll miss the Wild West one day

One of the greatest films ever made (according to me; which means it’s fact) is The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.  There’s a lot going on in this film both on and beneath the surface, but suffice to say one of the main themes is how a newly modern America comes to terms with its myths, specifically that of the Wild West.

One day, they’re going to make a great film where we all fondly remember what it was like when the internet was the Wild West.  It’ll star Ashton Kutcher as the grizzled, wrinkled, impotent (literally) internet coder who goes back home (Zip Code 94027) only to shock the news robots (human journalists will be extinct due to incompetence and bias) with his tales of how the internet probably wasn’t the anarchy everybody thought.  Like Jimmy Stewart, the robots will print the legend.

Look, the internet was developed by the government, for the government.  Then a bunch of university scientists, funded by the government, started to play around with it.  Drug fueled freaks turned it into a product the normal human could use.  Then corporations got their claws into it but could never completely get the freaks to give it up and thus we roughly see the tool we use today.

What’s different now is that the corporations are taking over.  The government and the freaks are losing power.  Why?  Mostly cash, mostly.  Money buys other corporations, lobbyists (votes), and shapes the images you see every day.  The freaks lost out because they wanted cash too, more cash than dirty oil barons.  The government was run over due to the aforementioned vote buying.  Your local representative doesn’t know how to spell the word broadband, but will vote however Verizon instructs him if it means he gets to lick one more cigar with an $800 bill.

Think it’s a coincidence that Comcast and Netflix signed an agreement (terms are unavailable for the public because Satan probably gave the notary) just days after Comcast decided to corner nearly half of America’s available broadband market?  If you think so, you deserve a personal donation to medical science.  Most people will claim it doesn’t matter because they are too stupid to care or they will argue the market takes care of itself.  Well, maybe.

Here’s a thought though, the internet is more important than roads, buildings, the telephone, or even the air.  If the freaks get what they want, your car, your thermostat, even your freaking heart will all one day be online.  Feel comfortable turning all that over to the corporations that have rigged the game in their favor?  I don’t.

Don’t agree with me?  One day you will.  And even though it’s a legend, you’ll still miss the internet’s Wild West.

xfinity-comcast-logo-144437

“We find your heart’s broadband percentages too burdensome to our network.  Thus, make peace with your maker.”

The truth shall rob you blind

Per the guidance of my previous post, I watched the Super Bowl last night, but only because I genuinely enjoy football.  Sadly, we did not receive the good game we’d all hoped for.  Unless you live in Seattle, or became a fair-weather Seahawks fan in the last five weeks, you likely did not enjoy the game.  Do you know what else you did not relish?  A series of terrible, over-thought, pathetic commercials.

If you disagree and desire to make the case that the world’s advertising and marketing geniuses (hereafter Assholes) did a great job, then you either:

a)  Can be sold a bill of goods by a degenerate leprechaun

b)  Were not sitting in a room of twenty diverse people, like me, who also agreed that the commercials did not deliver

The highlight of the night’s failures were the fools at Maserati.  What better way to get people to buy your car and improve your image than by broadcasting to an audience of which 99.99% cannot purchase your item.  I don’t think Maserati understands how deeply they have damaged their brand.  In my room, several people speculated that Maserati’s goal was in fact to produce a big “fuck you” to average citizens who could not obtain their car, and thus increase the chances that somebody who could afford their car would buy it to get in on the “fuck you peasant” cause.  This one feedback loop about sums up the evening.

It occurred to me just before halftime (when it was clear only one team was playing football) that the commercials were trending along a few major themes:

1)  Blatant and shameless American patriotism

“If you buy this item, you love freedom and democracy.  If you buy from our competitors, you’re Hitler.”

2)  It’s happy time

“If you buy our item, you’ll be as happy as these people you see on your screen.  If you don’t buy from us, you’ll end up offing yourself in the bathroom with a shampoo bottle shard, alone, and very afraid.”

3)  Wacky, so very wacky

“Our item is so off the wall that only the most sane, rational, and smart person (you) would agree to buy such a thing.  You’re hip, and if you buy this stuff, you’ll be at the cutting edge.  Nobody truly gets us (and the new ‘thing’) better than you.”

4)  The epic production

“See how our commercial is like a movie trailer?  When you buy our item, it’ll be like you’re in a movie.  Let our dramatic music and pristine cinematography (and the item you’ll buy) distract you from your otherwise pathetic horror movie life.”

And then I read this over coffee:

 

http://www.economist.com/news/business/21595412-brands-are-finding-it-hard-adapt-age-scepticism-we-want-be-your-friend

 

Oh my, where do I start?

I guess to me it’s simple.  And truly, this line is equally applicable to politicians:

–  When you treat the average human like they’re idiots, don’t be surprised when they hate you, and generally don’t do as you ask.

A normal adult desires to be treated as such.  When you fall short of that goal, you’re going to get resistance.  People desire the respect of others, particularly from folks who want their votes or money. 

Here’s an idea?  Just be honest.  Don’t lay it out as a scheme, a gimmick, or anything fancy.  Put a freaking guy in front of a white wall and have him explain why your product is awesome.  At the very least get some class back into the game.

As an example, the Economist article refers to Dominos’ recent advertising campaigns.  How interesting, Dominos came up in my room last night.  Why?  The comment(s) were that they liked Dominos poking fun at their past failures, promising to fix it for the customer, and then (here’s the kicker) actually delivering on their guarantee of improved quality.  Wow!  This is Asshole rocket science.  It’s almost like the Assholes at Dominos can see through time and disobey the laws of the universe!

Asking for the truth can be a dangerous thing.  What politician is going to actually tell you they don’t understand the law they just voted for, they only did it because they had to pay back a lobbyist?  No Asshole is actually going to say they’d like you to buy their above average tested product with a small or large markup because they need to increase their share value.  And in the end, even if you liked the honesty you got, you’d still be out one vote or some cash.  But somewhere there is a balance. 

As to yesterday, speaking of peering through time, I have a vision, of last night’s Assholes staring in revulsion at the shit they allowed to hit the air.  Then the medieval CEO claps, whispers, and grown men are dragged away to the woods for failing their feudal master.

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Isn’t our car awesome!  Too bad you’ll never buy it, pig!

Super Bowl – If you don’t watch it, they’ll kick you off the team

As with every Super Bowl build up, tis the season to hear experts tell you why so many members of the planetary club will watch the game tomorrow.  These pundits, who by the way are paid to tell you what they think (so you will think what they think), will offer a number of reasons.

When you hear that one guy claim that people will watch it simply because everybody else does, listen to that person, because they know what they’re talking about.  And then get their name and network and post it as a comment on this web-zone so that I know who stole my idea.

This post carries a lot of statistics.  They say there are lies, damn lies, and statistics.  But what they left out is if a statistic comes from me, it’s always true.  I acquired them through the most refined, delicate research process known to man.  It cost me the entire monthly operating budget for this blog to achieve these results.  So you make sure to enjoy it.

Last year’s Super Bowl was watched by 111 million American viewers.  Two weeks ago 47 million watched the AFC Championship game while the NFC game carried 42 million.  Assuming similar numbers for tomorrow, what’s to account for this 60 million disparity?

We can all assume that those who truly care about football would watch two of the biggest games of the year right?  So why are 60 million meat-bags who don’t care about football watching the game?  As stated above, it’s because everybody else is watching.  What’s up with that?  Who cares?  If 100 million people were watching jai-alai in the Cayman Islands I wouldn’t watch it.  Except that I probably would; the whole thing.

Here’s a very profound statement (it came to me in a dream last night):  The average human wants to be a part of something.  They want in on the team.  When you show up at the Keurig station on Monday morning (water coolers are apparently for Commie-Nazis) you don’t want to be the only person who didn’t see at least one play the prior night.  Or who saw that wacky commercial.  By the way, buy things, lots of things!  Spend money now!  NOW!

The growing dispersion of entertainment sources is well known and written about constantly so we won’t discuss it here, at least until later.  But these figures show you how rare an occurrence a water cooler moment is now:

–  I Love Lucy was routinely watched by over half, yes half, of people who owned a television

–  Today the highest ratio is around 20%, by Sunday night football or NCIS

–  But NCIS, the number one show, averages only 21 million viewers a night

–  Seinfeld averaged over 30 million viewers for the last four years of its run

–  There are 40 million more Americans today than when Seinfeld ended

This is all a very slow way of saying that we the human race no longer watch the same things anymore.  Except for very rare events like tomorrow you are generally not going to be able to share the moments your grandparents and parents did with the population.  You may wonder why this matters to the public?

I offer the topic of festivus.  Seinfeld ended almost 15 years ago.  Yet how often did you hear somebody of advanced age bring up festivus a few weeks ago?  And then somebody else joined in on the joke.

It’s the idea that there’s something special to you and that from nowhere you can bring up a moment that made you laugh, cheer, tense, or cry.  Then at any point in your day, somebody you hardly know can share that moment with you.  It establishes a connection of thought and emotion between humans that is rarely shared.  You wouldn’t let these people walk your dog; but you’ll share that flash with them every chance you get.

Now is the growing absence of these moments a problem?  For two reasons, I don’t particularly think so.

First, we can still generate enough big events to keep us tied together:  online videos that get billions of views, Super Bowl, alien invasion leader broadcast, whatever.

Second, when you look back at human history, we’ve only had the capability to generate these moments for less than a century.  You think subsistence farmers got to read or watch the same thing in the millions?  There was The Bible, but I don’t think we place that in the same category.

We’ve survived this long by relying not on entertainment to establish our links with fellow creatures; but by generating those special moments through each other.  Through connections we create based not on what we watched, but on who we are.

So, a slight suggestion for those who don’t care about football.  Don’t watch it.  They’ll kick you off the team, but you don’t want in on that team anyways.  Make your own.

I_Love_Lucy_1955

Watched by more people than the Korean War.