Know your audience

There are times people should know you have more money than Satan. And that’s a big deal, because he’s freaking Satan. There are also times you need to look around, and know when to throttle back. I don’t have a ton of gold in my crazy dragon cave. So I have no context and thus can’t help you.

There’s one of the big men at work. He makes a ton of cash. He likes to talk about his custom built boat and fancy castle. Generally you can look past it, if you even care or notice. Still, it can get old when a chap spends a good deal of his day informing others of how much cool stuff he has. I wonder if he realizes he can’t take any of that fancy shit to the next life? I mean, really, his skeleton’s going to look awfully similar to the homeless guy down the road.

At any rate, none of this really bothers me. I’m not dirt poor or even close to poor by any standard. But I’ll never own the fancy kit he’s talking about, and it doesn’t bother me. And even on days like today where he was comparing the virtues of six-figure cars with his buddies who stopped by, well, I kind of get a kick out of hearing about a car that’s so well engineered that if you leave the windows down while you hit top speed, it’ll remove the skin from your bones.

But a lot of people don’t see it that way. I didn’t notice, and I’m sure Mr Bling didn’t either, but after he left, I noticed from the chatter that a lot of people took it the wrong way. I guess it makes sense. When you make many times well north of six-figures, probably best to watch what you say in front of those who make less than half of six-figures solid.

You can make of this what you will. This is either a big deal, or not, or it’s just noise. I go either way really. But I guess it matters to me not because people got pissed off, you can’t blink without somebody getting offended at something these days, but because it influences views of our culture.

Reference my previous post, capitalism’s got a bad reputation these days. As you’ve heard me rant, a lot of this reputation is rightly deserved when it’s been so twisted by bad buys. But I still think it’s the best we’ve got, we’ve got to do better, not trash it entirely.

But it doesn’t help things when those with a lot of diamonds make it a point to rub it in. That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t brag about all your neat toys, just know your audience. If you just poisoned a room of twelve people toward your fellow rich guys, I don’t think you’ve helped the system that made you wealthy. It’s not envy from the little guy, rich dude; it’s just common respect, show good form to your neighbor and you’re likely to receive it in return.

Maybe you don’t care rich dude, but I hope you believe that it’s a good thing if people can get as rich as you did down the road with the same level of hard work. Part of that is defending, or at least not poisoning, the system with a lack of class. Know your audience, lest you give one side the ammo and recruits they need to overturn your way of life.

Personally, I like the Japanese & Korean way the best. You could walk past a billionaire on the street there and not know it. They wear their wealth behind closed doors. You’ll get a four figure bottle of joy served to you inside a common shack. They get a kick out of hosting you that way, especially if you’re like me and you showed up wearing clothes worth less than his dog’s leash. Something to think about the next time you tell everybody how big your custom boat is, friend.

MrBurns

At least I’m hi-larious.

Arcturus News Muster – 24 March 2014

On Arcturus, the news is presented for consumption by a grizzled Arcturan enforcer veteran (nobody retires) who provides coherent analysis, with heavy bias, and an educated filter. This means he sounds awfully like an Earth reporter, except for the intelligence part. Thus, bask in the glory of the work of Ashik-Al of the Ninth Regiment. Or don’t, either way, I assure you, he doesn’t care.

 

1) Egyptian Court Channels “Inner Asshole”

The Arcturus Project News

In a development shocking only to those who don’t understand the Arab mind a court in Egypt sentenced to death over five-hundred supporters of deposed President Mohammed Morsi. The five-hundred are said to have received the privilege of martyrdom as they were not among the more than one-thousand shot dead by security forces in the streets earlier this year. “They just squeaked through somehow,” said Interior Ministry Colonel Ibrahim “The Bull” Ibn Trigger, “we just couldn’t get them to connect with a bullet in the air. So we’re going to have to do this the hard way.”

Critics charged that the brief, clearly one-sided, verdict was beyond extreme for the death of only one police officer. However, analysts stated the verdict is likely to lessen on appeal and that an Egyptian death sentence is rarely carried out in practice. “What we’ll see is a lot of folks locked up, but I don’t think we’re going to see any mass executions,” quoted one justice expert from the World Bank.

Colonel Ibn Trigger agreed with this assessment. “I think in the end, most of these guys will actually go completely free. We’re just trying to scare them a little. Who do you think we are, Assad? We’d never get away with such a horrific crime of executing so many behind bars. Plus, if they’re on the streets again, I can go back to work.”

 

2) Bankers Acquire More Cash to Lick Celebratory Cigars

The Arcturus Project News

The United Kingdom’s Co-op Bank was to obtain more than £400M in cash ($659M) to make up for its more than £1.2B loss from 2013. It will raise the money via a unique share issue. The move follows the discovery of additional factors exposing the further fragile nature of the bank’s organization and stability.

The new funds were also required to lick an extended shipment of Cuban cigars that arrived just this month. The priceless tobacco came to celebrate the bank’s continued success despite an ongoing history of civil and criminal failures. Said Chief Executive Niall Booker, “Nobody’s ever been punished. I’m completely incompetent. I’m making at least £40M this year. Who wouldn’t want to celebrate. This is the best job on the planet.”

Mr Booker brushed away criticism that the bank is unmanageable and that its overall health as an institution was in question at severe risk to the British taxpayer. “Fuck you,” he offered, “Fuck you all.”

 

3) An Interview with the New Boss of Belbek

The Arcturus Project News

The Arcturus Project News spoke with Sergei Pianowirevich, recently appointed by President Vladimir Putin as Interim Commander, Belbek Air Force Base, Crimea.

The Arcturus Project: Colonel Pianowirevich, thanks for agreeing to speak with us via telephone.

Colonel Pianowirevich: My pleasure, but please, I’m no colonel.

TAP: Ah, my apologies, your rank?

Pianowirevich: I’m actually a vice marshall of the local Russian culture, vodka, & chess club.

TAP: Uh, …, okay, so ah, …, Vice Marshall Pianowirevich?

Pianowirevich: Yes?

TAP: Okay, ah, so, …, how’s your first day in command going? And congratulations on your glorious victory.

Vice Marshall Pianowirevich: Thank you. Thank you. Splendid, splendid. We’re taking an inventory of equipment, assets, and ensuring security is handled well.

TAP: And the former Ukrainian occupants?

VMP: Ha! Don’t worry, those dirty fascist rats are headed home safely. We’re not animals after all!

TAP: Holy shit! (drops glass) You guy’s took a bunch of fucking Nazis prisoner!?

VMP: Uh, excuse me?

TAP: A bunch of freaking Nazis! You gotta be shitting me!? (throws notes) How many? Were they true black suited SS!?

VMP: You seem to misunderstand, they are Ukrainian fascists from their country’s armed forces.

TAP: You said they were fascists. Ukrainian Nazis. They have to be like ninety, each of them.

VMP: Yes, yes, but not Nazis, German Nazis, they’re all young. You see there’s a difference.

TAP: Ah, I see, forgive me but I’m really confused. How would you describe the difference?

VMP: I don’t understand.

TAP: Well you see, I’m an educated man, I read things, and I guess when you say fascists I think of all those Nazis that burned half of Russia sixty years ago.

VMP: Yes, that’s them! Hehe, you’ve got it.

TAP: Ah, so how many Russian’s did those dirty Hitler-lovers get this time before you stepped in?

VMP: …

TAP: Vice Marshall?

VMP: No, yes, but you seem to misunderstand, the fascists were here to enslave Russians.

TAP: So they must have really burned the shit out of the Russian quarter in Sevastopol. Did they do a bunch of old fashioned Luger executions by the sausage stand before you guy’s moved in to save the day?

VMP: Now listen, I see where this is going, you’re one of them. You’re a dirty Western fascist! I’m not going to stand for this propaganda. We did what we wanted on our own. We cleansed our great nation and returned it to our Motherland! (pounds desk)

TAP: So before you moved in, what then if not the Lugers, like, did the fascists do it by the vodka stand with MP-38s?

VMP: (unintelligible profanity) Capitalist, fascist, dog! (unintelligible profanity) (phone line terminated)

TAP: So he does realize he gave us his phone number & address up front right? (mumbling) Yeah, yeah. (mumbling) Okay, let’s dial again. He’s new to the valiant colonel’s office, he doesn’t know how to block the calls yet. (mumbling) Then we’ll try his home number too, either way we’re good. We can let his wife know what an awesome Nazi hunter her husband is.

(end tape)

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-26712124

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-26711702

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-26713727

 fine_gentleman

Oh my, this $500 stogie tastes so much better when it’s licked by your shattered dreams.

The problem with capitalism is?

Think the laws are asinine?  That they appear as if written by elves popped up on meth?  It’s all true, except that meth elves would write better legislation than your average politician.  Especially because meth elves can’t be bought off with campaign cash, special favors, or drugs.  Except if those drugs are meth, in which case you could get the meth elves to vote for legalized schoolchildren abduction.

Try this detailed & thorough legislative process on for size, friends:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/govbeat/wp/2014/03/19/fight-over-tennessee-whiskey-spills-into-international-booze-business/?hpid=z5

So folks have distilled whiskey in Tennessee for a long time.  Now, for whatever reason (there is no legitimate reason by the way), a bunch of politicians have decided they are going to tell humanity what is and is not whiskey.  Did you hear that?  A guy who can’t remember where his car keys are until his sycophantic aide reminds him is going to tell a master distiller how to run his business.

Then two extremely large and rich multinational corporations are going to get involved too.  Their purpose is to lobby (buy) the votes necessary to craft the legislation that is most beneficial to their interests.

Guess who gets lost in all of this?  You.  You’re too stupid to look at a label and buy the whiskey you think is best at an honest and reasonable price.  Politicians and big business are going to tell you what is whiskey, how much you should pay for it, the meaning of life, and whether or not you should have broken up with that girl thirty years ago.  Don’t ask questions, don’t think, just keep shoveling your hard earned cash at them please, they’re busy and important men.  They don’t have time to care what you think.

I’ve been churning a lot lately on why most folks now hate capitalism when the alternatives have such an awesome track record.  I think I’ve hit on it.  People don’t hate capitalism.  They hate crony capitalism.  And they really, really despise that the game is rigged.  They want an honest playing field for all.  They don’t want elite political and corporate leaches ruining it for the rest of us because the leaches want a new boat.  Now you’re going to tell me that’s because capitalism, crony capitalism, and a rigged game go hand-in-hand.  So it’s all the same thing right?

I disagree.  They’ve been making whiskey for two hundred plus years in Tennessee without this law.  Seeing as how I’ve sat across the table and toasted Tennessee whiskey with Japanese, Russians (they’re not all Vlad loving fuckers), tart Brits, and Koreans with Tennessee whiskey in the glass, I can assure you their use of capitalism is working just fine.  But now, we’ll go ahead and add crony capitalism and vote buying to the distiller’s mix.  Awesome, way to ruin a great thing, assholes.  It’ll make a lot of politicians and corporations very rich.  You’ll lose out, and so will the small business distillers, but nobody cares about that.

So remember, next time you think the laws are screwed up, or that capitalism is unfair?  Call your local politician.  Don’t tell the first goon on the line you’re there to complain.  First tell them that you represent Proctor & Gamble and wish to contribute $500K to the next campaign.  Then, when the real person is on the line, let ‘em have it with both barrels, frontier Tennessee style!

Jack-Daniels

Suddenly, I taste a lot worse when I’m endorsed by the state.

Get ready to pay to breathe air

Should you have to pay to park at a hospital to visit a family member?  Your answer is probably no.  But you’ll have to do it, unless you’re already doing it, in which case I feel your pain.  Welcome friends, to the new era where even your very darkest moments are a commodity worthy of exploitation by a spreadsheet metric that determines an increase of 0.47% per quarter is worth overpowering that basic human value:  “In general, try to treat your neighbor as you’d like to be treated.”

Here’s another delightful example that even the most grizzled Arcturan enforcer would find abhorrent.  Jennette’s Pier in Nags Head, North Carolina, USA has existed since 1939.  You’ve had to pay to fish, crab, or hold parties on it.  But since its creation you could at least walk on the damn thing for free.  This masterpiece is owned by the state of North Carolina but managed by a private entity, a true match made in hell.  Now you have to pay $2 just to walk on it.  Remember strolling down that [insert anything here] with your family as a child, all those good times, the memories that last forever?  Well fuck you!  So a cherished one-hundred year tradition falls victim to the new basic human value:  “Where possible, be a dick.”

Easy payment of things with your smartphone or future brain chip is real fun and trouble-free right?  It won’t be.  When all you have to do is waive your future brain phone against a machine to extract payment directly from your bank account in a fraction of a second?  Well friends, you’re going to pay just so you can expel carbon dioxide.  Your local, state, and federal government(s) are going to get in on it too.  Don’t think your taxes are enough, your local deputy-under-assistant city planner needs new boots.  It’s so easy that everybody is going to charge you money to do everything.

Want to => quick pay please

-Cover charge to enter a high traffic public urban zone on foot $5

-Enter a public park with your family $2

-Park at a hospital $5

-Retrieve your mail $1

-Walk hand-in-hand with your significant other on a pier that’s existed for 100 years $2

-Watch your kid’s game from the stands $3

-Observe the sunset from a popular location $5

-Retrieve your e-mail $1

-Call to speak with your local government for assistance with anything $1

-Drive on any road, anywhere $6

-Pick somebody up from the airport curbside $4

-Consult with a deity $0.02

Think I’m crazy?  Well, that’s true, but as discussed, it’s already started to happen.  Enjoy it, because there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Businessman-computer

“Yeah, we have a lot of money, but you don’t understand, we need more, and you’re going to give it to us.  (chuckles)  [pause]  Yes, I understand, but what are you going to do about?  [pause]  Ah, no, no, you’re going to pay, trust me.”

Internet – You’ll miss the Wild West one day

One of the greatest films ever made (according to me; which means it’s fact) is The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.  There’s a lot going on in this film both on and beneath the surface, but suffice to say one of the main themes is how a newly modern America comes to terms with its myths, specifically that of the Wild West.

One day, they’re going to make a great film where we all fondly remember what it was like when the internet was the Wild West.  It’ll star Ashton Kutcher as the grizzled, wrinkled, impotent (literally) internet coder who goes back home (Zip Code 94027) only to shock the news robots (human journalists will be extinct due to incompetence and bias) with his tales of how the internet probably wasn’t the anarchy everybody thought.  Like Jimmy Stewart, the robots will print the legend.

Look, the internet was developed by the government, for the government.  Then a bunch of university scientists, funded by the government, started to play around with it.  Drug fueled freaks turned it into a product the normal human could use.  Then corporations got their claws into it but could never completely get the freaks to give it up and thus we roughly see the tool we use today.

What’s different now is that the corporations are taking over.  The government and the freaks are losing power.  Why?  Mostly cash, mostly.  Money buys other corporations, lobbyists (votes), and shapes the images you see every day.  The freaks lost out because they wanted cash too, more cash than dirty oil barons.  The government was run over due to the aforementioned vote buying.  Your local representative doesn’t know how to spell the word broadband, but will vote however Verizon instructs him if it means he gets to lick one more cigar with an $800 bill.

Think it’s a coincidence that Comcast and Netflix signed an agreement (terms are unavailable for the public because Satan probably gave the notary) just days after Comcast decided to corner nearly half of America’s available broadband market?  If you think so, you deserve a personal donation to medical science.  Most people will claim it doesn’t matter because they are too stupid to care or they will argue the market takes care of itself.  Well, maybe.

Here’s a thought though, the internet is more important than roads, buildings, the telephone, or even the air.  If the freaks get what they want, your car, your thermostat, even your freaking heart will all one day be online.  Feel comfortable turning all that over to the corporations that have rigged the game in their favor?  I don’t.

Don’t agree with me?  One day you will.  And even though it’s a legend, you’ll still miss the internet’s Wild West.

xfinity-comcast-logo-144437

“We find your heart’s broadband percentages too burdensome to our network.  Thus, make peace with your maker.”

Ask, and the skeleton will always tell you what he thinks

This last week I took a mandatory class in what was essentially a business process system.  Did I mention the word mandatory?  I did not want to take this class.  I resisted, told them I didn’t need it, would never use it.  But a few months back I was invited into the office by the boss.

Upon entry the boss locked the door and I found the section supervisor was in the corner wearing a ski mask.  He’s an odd guy but this struck me as a little weird.  I tried to discuss my latest action plan but they shoved my head onto the desk and put a revolver to my temple.  “You’ll go!”  “Sign it!”  They screamed.  I cried.  I soiled myself.  Thought of who would take care of my dogs, but over the course of a mind melting twenty minutes I enthusiastically agreed that a week-long class on this business process was well within the best interests of the organization.  And myself!  So off I went, happy as ever.

The class was not the misery I expected it to be, but two things stuck out:

1)  Attended by dozens of people from a dozen different organizations.  All are supposed to use this business process.  None of them do.  Everybody just ignores it and does whatever the fuck they want.  It’s the height of organizational stupidity.  People are probably making billions off a system that is so irrelevant, folks will spends weeks, months, years to learn it down to the smallest detail, but then nobody uses it to conduct real work.

2)  What the fuck is up with all the business worker pictures?  You know what I’m talking about.  They’re all the same.  Here is an example for those of you who have real jobs and actually contribute something worthwhile to humanity and thus don’t know what I’m talking about:

oxygenthiefs

“We’re oxygen thieves!”

Some optimistic folks have this hundred year rule to describe the pointless nature of life.  As in, who the fuck cares, in a hundred years we’ll all be dead.  It’s like remarking to your neighbor the weather is nice today, before you ask him what color you think his skeleton will be after six years in the drink.

I’ve found this rule a rather poor way of looking at things.  If we all truly believed it, then why aren’t humans feasting upon each other’s flesh in the streets?  You might think I’d be the first person to claim it’s the giant octopus keeping us all under control.  But I’m going to go more along the lines that what we are built inside of goes a little deeper, it’s quite special.

So I have a different way of looking at the darkness.  It gets to the depths of servitude, you know, the kind that wastes human life and aptitude; robs us of our ingenuity and drive.  It’s not in our base nature, we just do it to ourselves.

Anybody ever walked to work via an underground mall and/or subway tunnel before?  At like seven in the morning; say about four-thousand of your best friends trudging their way across concrete on the way to the elevators, escalators, stairs, transporter room; on the way to their cubicles, boxes, corner offices, whatever.  It’s like you’re adrift in a sea of rotting human meat, all of it floating along into the vortex.  Nobody says a word.  All you hear is the mindless clicking of thousands of shoes and heels.

When I see those business pictures, that’s what I think of.  You know what?  I’d rather they put the skeleton up there during the business discussion.  At least that’d be honest.

richardandhisteam

“Are you up to speed on your latest metric quals?”