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News Muster – 20 February 2014

Congratulations on observing the First Annual (not annual) Arcturus Project News Muster.  As mentioned previously, life has somewhat collapsed for the author, so what the hell, why not this?  I’ll have fun writing it.  The way these posts will work is you read the bizarre text and enjoy it.  If you don’t adore this style of posts you can:
a)  Post a comment on this web zone informing me how much I suck

b)  Never visit this blog again

c)  Return to visit at a later time when you may find a post more favorable

d)  Enslave humanity (because, you know, why not?)

 

1)  TSA informs populace of latest Arcturan threat

The Arcturus Project News

The United States Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has issued its latest travel alert warning of possible danger from recent Arcturan efforts.
The agency did not mention any specific threat, capability, or fact but emphasized that passengers should remain vigilant.  “We want the traveler to understand that at any moment, they could die.  Air travel is dangerous,” said TSA official Steve Shiftyeyes, “You could get run over by the airport handicap buggy any day you step inside the terminal.”

This announcement comes on the heels of recent TSA warnings of potential toothpaste bombs against flights bound for the Olympics at Sochi.

The statement met with criticism from scientists who declared their concerns with the TSA’s methodology.  Said Dr Stanislaw Human of the Hopkins Institute for Applied Physics, “This threat makes no sense.  Even if the Arcturans could get here, why would they travel thirty-seven light years only to blow up an airplane?  That’d be like flying halfway across the world just to punch a kid in the stomach at his birthday party.”

TSA administrators nevertheless emphasized the importance of being watchful at all times pointing out the number of airplanes destroyed by terrorism in the last decade.  “These measures keep our skies safe,” said Shiftyeyes, “And your safety is our number one priority.  Why else would we do this?”

 

2)  Japanese renew pledge to make radiation “a friend”

The Arcturus Project News

Tokyo Electric (TEPCO) acknowledged that yet another large quantity of radioactive water was released from the decommissioned Fukushima nuclear plant.  In the newest in a series of deliberate acts TEPCO announced that a value was opened at Fukushima to allow the hazardous water to “become one with the sea”.

TEPCO dismissed fervent admonitions from the World Health Organization (WHO) that such consistent acts created water safety levels twenty times in excess of the widely considered healthy limit.  The valve opening is said to be part of a wider strategy by TEPCO to make radiation a consistent part of the renowned Japanese culture.

“The WHO’s concerns are valid, but entirely misplaced,” said Ryuichi Incompetentsan, a TEPCO Senior Manager, “They would imply that we don’t know what we’re doing.  We Japanese perfected just-in-time assembly lines, sushi, the zoo, and once enchained Asia.  We’re doing this on purpose because only by making radiation a friend can we truly hope to overcome its negative effects.”

Citizens of the nearby city of Iwaki seemed optimistic of TEPCOs acts.  “They know what they’re doing,” remarked one local shopper, “We’re happy to let them take the lead on this honorable effort.  I think if we just let them do what they think is best we can only hope that radiation becomes the next export.”

TEPCO promised that the next maneuver in their plan would be even stronger.  Industry watchers predicted the next action could be the release of a radioactive plume or the methodical exposure of a worker to lethal doses of toxic rays.

 

3)  An interview with Nigeria’s interim central bank governor

The Arcturus Project News

The Arcturus Project News spoke with Boseda Corruptus, recently appointed by President Goodluck Jonathan as Interim President of Nigeria’s Central Bank.

TAP:  Thanks for speaking with us via telephone.

BC:  My pleasure.

TAP:  Why was your predecessor fired?

BC:  Mr Sanusi has been suspended and not sacked.

TAP:  But he was accused of “misconduct”?

BC:  He’ll be back; he’s done nothing worse than the rest of us.

TAP:  Ah, I see, wait what?

BC:  I don’t know how much he’s taken, but whatever it is it’s a shit-ton less than me and the others.

TAP:  …

BC:  Are you still on the line?

TAP:  Uh, yeah, I’m here.  So, ah, … (flips pages, throws notes) so Mr Sanusi’s accusations of flagrant oil theft are substantiated?

BC:  Are you living under a rock?  What do you think happens to the oil money?  You think Jonathan wants this talked about before the election?  We need to at least pretend, so whether Sanusi’s on the take or not, he needed to go away for a while until we’re done buying votes.

TAP:  Wow, so, these are all very significant statements, do you understand what you’re saying?

BC:  Fuck you.  What are you going to do about it?  I’m shit-faced on $400 a bottle cognac right now.  Everybody knows we’re thieves; we’ve stolen billions every year as long as I’ve been in government.  Nothing ever changes.  Nobody ever goes to jail.  Why should I care what you think?

TAP:  But, well, you have a responsibility to the people.

BC:  I give them some, I give them some.  But they know how the game is played.  If a peasant from Kano and I switched places, he’d rob me too.

TAP:  So is there any hope of this situation improving?

BC:  Improving what?  What are you talking about?

TAP:  So financial responsibility, transparency, democracy, and so on?

BC:  What are you?  A communist?  How do you think things work here?  I’m all for freedom, but I have to live in the real world.

TAP:  Would it surprise you that a guy on the street in Lagos might see it differently?  Maybe they want a better future and to them you’re just a thug?

BC:  (unintelligible profanity)  Listen buddy, who are you anyways?  (unintelligible profanity)  (phone line terminated)

TAP:  Man, I didn’t even get to ask him whether the dismissal was legal.  (off tape mutterings)  What?  (off tape mutterings)  Well, yeah, I guess he wouldn’t have understood the question.

(end tape)

 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-26266491

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-asia-26254140

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-26270561

 

buddy

Come closer friend.  You look like you need a hug.

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Ukraine – This is not the end of the beginning

I will admit I am rather surprised to see this level of violence.  You would think Uncle Vladimir would have asked Cousin Viktor to hold off for at least for another week until people can no longer spell Sochi.  I think a couple of things are at work here:

–  The vast majority of the protestors appear to have accepted the government’s amnesty and abandoned their posts over this last weekend

–  This left a very small (perhaps about 20 thousand) but hardcore group who desire neither amnesty or the status quo

–  Cousin Viktor decided to use this window of opportunity to dispense with this hardcore group before the more moderate opposition realized he was playing them for fools and got back on the streets

–  Cousin Viktor may have been told to wait for a week by Uncle Vladimir; but likely told him to go back to watching figure skating; Viktor knows a week may have closed out his window; thus the assault on Maidan

The security forces’ attack did not go according to plan.  Syria has shown what you need to truly crush this kind of revolt:  An army or police force that is willing to employ automatic weapons against unarmed civilians like it’s the Fourth Reich come to life.

At this point, the Ukrainian forces aren’t willing to do that.  So what they confronted was a highly organized, motivated, and disciplined protest force.  The hardcore opposition was apparently planning for this kind of battle for weeks.  As the security forces aren’t willing to use their overwhelming lethal force, you get stalemate and chaos.

Some countries are perhaps not meant to be.  I heard an interesting stat on the radio yesterday.  About 40% of Ukraine’s population supports the protests, while 40% support the government, leaving 20% who are too dazed or stupid to respond to reality.  However, a very large majority from both sides do not support Cousin Viktor.  This is not a recipe for a sustained nation.  You can easily see how the Russian eastern half could make a push to remain in charge or transfer to Russia while the western half goes elsewhere.  Anybody think this will all occur cleanly?

This is only going to get worse.  A line is now crossed.  When this much blood is shed, emotions & then positions harden.  Cousin Viktor is now about to learn a very important lesson of our cowardly post-modern world.  When you spill your citizen’s blood, it’s not as bad as you think.  I suspect he’ll actually be rather surprised at how little the UN, EU, and/or USA will do to him and his ruling elite.  A lot of talk will occur, but Viktor’s going to discover that he can still act while everybody else talks.  Then the only limiting factor on whether he can remain in power is how willing he is to kill and whether his men are willing to obey the orders to slay their neighbors.  Either way it’s going to be awful.

maidan19feb

“I am the hand of God, the fate of all lies in the decision I make.”

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Team Arcturus – These guys want to put themselves out of business

So things are a little worrying in your blog author’s family life recently.  Enjoy life friends, as my aunt recently said, “Things can turn on a dime”.  When the mysteries of life upend your status quo, I think everybody gets a little crazy in their view of the world.  Accordingly, I’m going to once again indulge in another round of reckless intervention discussion.  I guess I’m just interested lately in what kind of world we will live come 2090.

Please keep in mind a few things.  I know intervention is a bad word used by smart people (them) to label dumb people (me) as out of touch with reality.  So a couple of caveats.  This isn’t about Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, or Syria.  This is about humanitarian intervention to stop the bleeding; genocide where the different parties are generally not somebody’s puppet-proxy-pawn.  I know how complicated and hard all of this is, but if we don’t start somewhere then we are just admiring the problem.  Just admiring the problem equals the ultimate failure of our race’s hopes and dreams for a bright future.

Now a few readers, who probably won’t be back, (by a few I mean two; we’re, ah, we’re new here) expressed mild disagreement (they were polite) via separate correspondence that they did not approve of a UN force that undertakes the task of having people “gets shot”.  I think their interpretation of my idea was a UN force along the lines of the paramilitary troops shown in Elite Squad (my example) where folks are shot without trials, plastic bag interrogations occur, and generally the enforcers do what enforcers do.  Well, to be honest, that’s at least partially what I had in mind.

Look, I’m not a determinist flake like a Jared Diamond, but I do think that folks are fairly well shaped by where they grow up.  A machete wielding psychopath in CAR might have turned out a fairly decent guy had he grown up under rich bankers in London.  Unfortunately for him, his path was somewhat different.  But in the end, as adults, we all make our own choices.  I’m sorry if your life was/is shit, but if you’re engaged in genocide, you either get to stop, or get shot.  Sorry.

What am I really after though?  Clearly there is enough poverty, destitution, and awfulness in our planet to overwhelm the UN’s ability to purchase, let alone expend, bullets.  The UN genocide response force discussed in my previous post (we’ll call them Team Arcturus) is not going to be able to shoot every single weapon wielding ethnic janitor.  I’m after the deterrence that comes from the initial round of UN sanctioned violence.  Now deterrence is a generally underrated concept (for most people it means nukes only), yet we employ it across our lives every day.  Ask your friendly neighborhood speed trap.

After Team Arcturus is employed two or three times, the word will get out to those who are intent on cleaning out a portion of the human race.  “Hey, the UN is interested, Team Arcturus will be here tomorrow.  Those assholes don’t play.  Let’s put away the blades, gasoline, and piano wire before we all get fucking shot.”  When people start to understand that we (the international community) mean business, that we will do what we say, then the level of viciousness might (every situation is different; and my idea may suck) inherently decrease.

The trick is of course actually doing what you say.  Right now the UN is generally ignored because it is in the business of saying a lot, but virtually doing & accomplishing nothing.  This is directly traceable to the design flaws in its organization, but it is what it is.  Would we have to rework the way the UN is run before we could create and employ Team Arcturus?  Maybe, but the recent UN combat operation against M23 near Goma is a good example of how such an action could occur under the existing UN construct.  This would not solve extremely hard situations like Syria, but at least would assist the human race in troubleshooting CAR or South Sudan or Western Burma.

Final answer to world peace?  No.  Initial answer to stop genocide and improve overall quality of human life?  Maybe.  Let’s roll the dice.

armored_infantry

 

Team Arcturus; Armored Infantryman; Circa 2090

“I get used only once a decade, because everybody knows what I do when I’m used.”

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Genocide – Everybody’s cool with it

There’s a lot going on in the world recently.  Sochi rumbles on; a volcano does what volcanos in Indonesia do; Bieber’s not been donated for terminal medical science, yet; the Italian PM just resigned so his teenage son could replace him; oh, and in Central African Republic (CAR), genocide is in progress and nobody seems to know or care.

But wait, I thought we were past this?  Everybody’s heard of Rwanda right?  Bosnia?  Darfur?  Sure, those are times where we (the international community) either got it right or wrong but at least we talked about it, used it to guide our actions.  By the way, Darfur remains a nightmare shithole of anarchy, starvation, and suffering despite the presence of over 15 thousand UN peacekeepers.  Which I guess is my point.

For those of you who think Africa has a lot of pandas, let me bring you briefly up to speed.  CAR is dirt poor, isolated, and hasn’t had a functional government in just about forever.  A Muslim based militia overthrew the government and took control.  But then the militia got out of hand and started a little weekend ethnic cleansing.  So the Christians overthrew the militia with the help of French and UN peacekeepers.  But now the Christians have gotten in on the scrubbing game as well.  I guess everybody thought they just needed to clean up the country a little.  Maybe they should have just used some bleach on their kitchen floors.  Less blood would have been involved.

There are about 4.4 million people in CAR.  Of these, 20% are now homeless, about 800 thousand people.  Nearly every single one of them is going to need support to live.  The country is nearly the size of France.  Since this round of violence began, probably tens-of-thousands have died, but nobody really knows.

So yet again, we (the international community) are on it.  After Rwanda, we said “never again”, and we meant it.   We’ll make sure genocide is stomped from human history because it is the antithesis of everything we want in our modern, free world.  Never again my friends, never again!  (pounds fist on podium)

“Some 7,000 troops – from France and African countries – have been mandated by the UN to help restore order.  But so far they have failed to stop the unrest…”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-26160251

Oh, wait, no.

So this is a problem right?  We don’t like genocide.  Wrong.

Everybody’s cool with it!  Consult any newspaper, website, and/or ancient totem scroll today and you will find CAR buried in Section D12, behind the article on liver enzymes.  Nobody cares!

Now most of you will probably respond with something like this:  There’s nothing we can do.  Let them have it out.  If we get involved, we will either make things worse or get dragged into turmoil.

Well, you’re only partially right.  Getting involved in this is like inserting yourself into a bar fight.  You likely can’t stop it, there’s two of them and one of you.  You’re probably going to get punched in the face.  And in the end both guys will hate you for entangling yourself in their Glorious Battle.  But, that doesn’t mean you should do nothing.  And it doesn’t mean there isn’t something you can do to help.

We are doing something, you’d say.  The UN, EU, AU, LPGA, NFL, and France are on the case.  They’re taking care of it as best as we can given the circumstances!

I submit though, that what we are doing is worse than nothing because it isn’t working.  The international community’s method of genocide crisis response is broken.  We need a new way.  We need to make a choice between two options.  I’m ruling out a third option in which hundreds-of-thousands of international troops flood CAR to reestablish order as just unrealistic given how little the planet actually cares.

Option 1)

Replace the UN motto of “never again” with “we don’t give a shit”.  We accept that we are cool with genocide occurring on our planet and we practically and morally wash our hands of what our planet will look like in 2090.

Option 2)

The UN needs an actual army.  Not peacekeepers.  Not a police force, but a small rapid response combat force.  Similar to what the UN just used in Eastern Congo, but larger, and guided by formal policy.  Say about ten-to-twenty thousand troops from various nations.  Highly trained & equipped.  You drop them into CAR, or wherever hell has opened.  They reestablish order on the streets, halt the immediate violence.  Anybody holding a weapon or committing a murder gets shot.

Will this solve CAR and provide a brighter future?  No.  Will this guarantee that all genocide will stop?  No.  But it will at least stop the bleeding.  If you can halt the killing for a few weeks, maybe that’s all you need to calm things down and provide an open space for folks to work with.  Then you can roll in the peacekeepers and start the hard work.

Maybe not the best idea, but again, when what you’re doing is clearly not working.  It’s time for a change.

blade

This fine gentleman is serious about doing what he says.  We’re not.

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Film in China – Increasing cultural awarness through the profit of electrons

In the most anticipated announcement in China since the start of the Great Leap Forward, leadership decided to keep the intake of foreign cinema to only 34 films a year.  For reference, Hollywood and Bollywood produce easily over a thousand films annually.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-26152190

To get the true story on this intense, world-shattering decision, your humble blog author took it upon himself to acquire it straight from the main source.  And so I sat down with Cai Wu, 13th Minister of Culture of the People’s Republic of China.  A transcript of my interview follows:

TAP:  Thank you so much for agreeing to sit down with us, Minister.

CW:  I’m very happy to be here.

TAP:  Let’s start with the number, why only 34 films a year?

CW:  So our most important task within the Ministry is to ensure a complete cultural package is available to our people.  But we must ensure the purity of our Chinese traditions.  The limit on foreign films is meant to allow some outside influences, while also respecting that China’s ancient culture is our core.

TAP:  Ah, I see.  So encouraging your own culture has to take precedence.

CW:  Of course, we want our people to relate to their heritage.

TAP:  Do you fear that by sheltering your domestic film industry from competition that they’ll continue to produce mostly awful flicks that make Escape from New York look like Beethoven’s Eighth Symphony?

CW:  (laughs)  Now hold on, we’ve had quite a great many award winners in our short open film history.

TAP:  Ah, like To Live?

CW:  Yes, most certainly.  Winner at Cannes you know?

TAP:  But your Ministry banned Zhang Yimou for two years after he made it?

CW:  Oh, a simple misunderstanding.

TAP:  Uh, eh, what?

CW:  We just thought his deeper message was a bit revolutionary for our audience at the time.  (waves hand)  That was nearly twenty years ago!

TAP:  I guess I don’t understand, I mean in the flick the Red tool is talking about how he can make three cannonballs out of a lob of homemade steel that looks like a turd.  I think Zhang made himself pretty clear.

CW:  No, no, just a misunderstanding…

TAP:  So…

CW:  You know Zhang is doing great work recently.  Have you seen The Flowers of War?  Magnificent!

TAP:  Uh, no, I’m not sexually attracted to Christian Bale.  (flips pages)  But no, really that reminds me I wanted to ask you about this issue to begin with…

CW:  Certainly…

TAP:  So all these genuine post-communist filmmakers like Zhang…

CW:  Yes?

TAP:  …how is it they all turn to the dark side in the end?

CW:  Well, you mean?

TAP:  So Zhang makes a series of films attacking the Party and then now he’s working for you guys.  Did you, like kidnap his dog?

CW:  (giggles)  No, we simply desire to increase awareness of our beautiful culture, Zhang is part of that.

TAP:  So, um, his cat?

CW:  Now what you’re describing is a fairly common occurrence like you said, I mean, honestly, even the most ardent filmmaker has his price.  Just look at Nikita Mikhalkov!

TAP:  Oh, yeah, seriously, what the fuck was up with Burnt by the Sun 2?  (laughs)

CW:  (hysterical laughter)  I know!  The guy was executed by the NKVD and then he comes back to life!  It was worse than Aliens 5!  And the portrayal of Stalin?!

TAP:  (laughs)  Seriously!

CW:  They didn’t even bother to show any purges.  He was nearly wacky!  Not the Stalin I’d imagined.  I do not consider that performance to be canon.  (sniggers)

TAP:  (shakes head)  Well, when you become best friends with Uncle Vladimir what do you expect?

CW:  I know, but like I said, everybody has their price.

TAP:  Yes, yes, so what’s yours?

CW:  (pause)  I’m above such things, I serve the people.

TAP:  So like, what, two billion?  Hollywood’s got it.

CW:  No, no, just a humble servant here.

TAP:  I hear Xi’s got north of two billion to his name, what’s stopping you?  If you upped it from 34 films to like 60, you could buy many new boats in France?  The people would approve of your new boats.

CW:  (waves hand)  Just another silly Western bigot here, I’m not going to play along.

TAP:  Three billion?

CW:  …

TAP:  …

(The Arcturus Project is pleased to be the first to announce a joint partnership between the Ministry of Culture of the People’s Republic of China and various Hollywood studios.  An even 100 films will be broadcast in China for calendar year 2015 to increase cultural cooperation between the two great film centers of the world.  To increase the effectiveness of this program, Minister Cai Wu is slated to assume the duties as China Liaison for Warner Brothers Studios.  The Arcturus Project is also pleased to announce that it will serve as Russia Liaison to the project via Moscow to bring together a great triangle of culture for the globe.  Go Sochi!)

Cai_Wu

A toast!  To the French coast!  Oh, fuck, (waves hand) I’m so wasted!

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Sochi 2014 – It’s time to separate into two teams

I did not watch the opening ceremony.  I will not do so.  I know what message Putin will attempt to send.  I don’t need to see it produced as theater.  He’s made himself very clear these last fifteen years.

Read about Sochi and you’ll get a different view depending on who’s speaking.  Most folks seem keen to support the games while offering disgust at the hosts.  Above all, it is Putin’s anti-homosexuality comments and laws that draw the most hate.  I wonder if Putin had just left homosexuals out of it.  Could he have sold these games as the spectacular statement about his miracle that he’d intended?  He certainly has willing accomplices.

Last night I watched the sewer scrappers at NBC Sports sing the praises about how this Russia is so much better than the old Soviet Union.  This filth comes from the mouth of ‘reporters’ who have never and will never live the life of a normal Russian citizen.

Yet I’m sure they don’t give a damn.  For them, Sochi is about cash.  Lots of cash.  Damning the hosts to hell over their behavior is not a way to widen your audience when you’ve invested billions in production and purchase costs.  NBC Sports wants one thing from Sochi:  profit.  If you think they care about anything else, regardless of the prophet-like statements that emerge from Costas’ arrogant mouth, you’re a fool.  They want your eyes.  They’re in your wallets.

Lost among the massive hate of Putin’s anti-gay remarks (this blog has equally hit upon them) is the general awfulness that is present.  The simple truth is this:

These games should never have happened in Sochi.

I’m sorry, but I’m over it.  It’s time that those who care about freedom and democracy stop pouring muck into the trough that is other people’s lives.  Building international relationships is generally overrated.  There will be no tangible benefit to Russia’s place in the world from Sochi.  Putin is not going to embrace reform, fight corruption, or generally be a better guy because of Sochi.  All the Olympics have done is feed an evil man and his parasitic ruling structure.

And for what?  Well, for a cherished tradition?  Wrong.  We’ve only done this Olympics thing for just over a century.  For money?  Only partially, the athletes are out there for the spiritual awesomeness.  Most of them (except those in the commercials) don’t care about money.

It’s about momentum.  The corrupt IOC chose Sochi.  So everybody goes to Sochi.  Even if they think Putin is a criminal.

Well friends, the author of this blog thinks it’s time for a change.

I’m not asking for bad things to happen in Sochi.  I want these games to go forward without violence and without any major issues.  It’s about the athletes now.  They’ve worked very hard for years to get there, everybody agreed to participate, and so off they go.  I hope they all can succeed, have fun, and accomplish their goals.

However, here is the honest truth.  These games are immoral.  The average Russian will see their life made worse by deliberate sleaze, expense, and by the international legitimacy their dictator gains from playing teenage party queen.

It’s time to change.  The portion of the planet that believes liberty is a good thing needs to back it up.  It’s just sports folks, we can live without it.  Let every decent nation on the planet refuse to participate in events where the wicked are allowed to put on a show, where we are all charged admission, to watch justice play a bit part.

The Olympics, Word Cup, Commonwealth Games, whatever.  Let democracies hold their own games, where only other republics can play.  Let all the tyrannical lunatics hold their own games, with all their narcissism, alone.  At least then we could have a clean conscience while we watch brilliant contestants at their best.

And if we ever decide to hold another worldwide Olympics?  Let the team of freedom and justice play against the team representing hate and darkness.  We can compete on neutral ground, say Switzerland or Valhalla.

I know who’d win.

sochi_opening_rehersal_840_533_100

Brought to you by the blood of a nation’s future.

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The truth shall rob you blind

Per the guidance of my previous post, I watched the Super Bowl last night, but only because I genuinely enjoy football.  Sadly, we did not receive the good game we’d all hoped for.  Unless you live in Seattle, or became a fair-weather Seahawks fan in the last five weeks, you likely did not enjoy the game.  Do you know what else you did not relish?  A series of terrible, over-thought, pathetic commercials.

If you disagree and desire to make the case that the world’s advertising and marketing geniuses (hereafter Assholes) did a great job, then you either:

a)  Can be sold a bill of goods by a degenerate leprechaun

b)  Were not sitting in a room of twenty diverse people, like me, who also agreed that the commercials did not deliver

The highlight of the night’s failures were the fools at Maserati.  What better way to get people to buy your car and improve your image than by broadcasting to an audience of which 99.99% cannot purchase your item.  I don’t think Maserati understands how deeply they have damaged their brand.  In my room, several people speculated that Maserati’s goal was in fact to produce a big “fuck you” to average citizens who could not obtain their car, and thus increase the chances that somebody who could afford their car would buy it to get in on the “fuck you peasant” cause.  This one feedback loop about sums up the evening.

It occurred to me just before halftime (when it was clear only one team was playing football) that the commercials were trending along a few major themes:

1)  Blatant and shameless American patriotism

“If you buy this item, you love freedom and democracy.  If you buy from our competitors, you’re Hitler.”

2)  It’s happy time

“If you buy our item, you’ll be as happy as these people you see on your screen.  If you don’t buy from us, you’ll end up offing yourself in the bathroom with a shampoo bottle shard, alone, and very afraid.”

3)  Wacky, so very wacky

“Our item is so off the wall that only the most sane, rational, and smart person (you) would agree to buy such a thing.  You’re hip, and if you buy this stuff, you’ll be at the cutting edge.  Nobody truly gets us (and the new ‘thing’) better than you.”

4)  The epic production

“See how our commercial is like a movie trailer?  When you buy our item, it’ll be like you’re in a movie.  Let our dramatic music and pristine cinematography (and the item you’ll buy) distract you from your otherwise pathetic horror movie life.”

And then I read this over coffee:

 

http://www.economist.com/news/business/21595412-brands-are-finding-it-hard-adapt-age-scepticism-we-want-be-your-friend

 

Oh my, where do I start?

I guess to me it’s simple.  And truly, this line is equally applicable to politicians:

–  When you treat the average human like they’re idiots, don’t be surprised when they hate you, and generally don’t do as you ask.

A normal adult desires to be treated as such.  When you fall short of that goal, you’re going to get resistance.  People desire the respect of others, particularly from folks who want their votes or money. 

Here’s an idea?  Just be honest.  Don’t lay it out as a scheme, a gimmick, or anything fancy.  Put a freaking guy in front of a white wall and have him explain why your product is awesome.  At the very least get some class back into the game.

As an example, the Economist article refers to Dominos’ recent advertising campaigns.  How interesting, Dominos came up in my room last night.  Why?  The comment(s) were that they liked Dominos poking fun at their past failures, promising to fix it for the customer, and then (here’s the kicker) actually delivering on their guarantee of improved quality.  Wow!  This is Asshole rocket science.  It’s almost like the Assholes at Dominos can see through time and disobey the laws of the universe!

Asking for the truth can be a dangerous thing.  What politician is going to actually tell you they don’t understand the law they just voted for, they only did it because they had to pay back a lobbyist?  No Asshole is actually going to say they’d like you to buy their above average tested product with a small or large markup because they need to increase their share value.  And in the end, even if you liked the honesty you got, you’d still be out one vote or some cash.  But somewhere there is a balance. 

As to yesterday, speaking of peering through time, I have a vision, of last night’s Assholes staring in revulsion at the shit they allowed to hit the air.  Then the medieval CEO claps, whispers, and grown men are dragged away to the woods for failing their feudal master.

grancabrio-mc_07

Isn’t our car awesome!  Too bad you’ll never buy it, pig!

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Super Bowl – If you don’t watch it, they’ll kick you off the team

As with every Super Bowl build up, tis the season to hear experts tell you why so many members of the planetary club will watch the game tomorrow.  These pundits, who by the way are paid to tell you what they think (so you will think what they think), will offer a number of reasons.

When you hear that one guy claim that people will watch it simply because everybody else does, listen to that person, because they know what they’re talking about.  And then get their name and network and post it as a comment on this web-zone so that I know who stole my idea.

This post carries a lot of statistics.  They say there are lies, damn lies, and statistics.  But what they left out is if a statistic comes from me, it’s always true.  I acquired them through the most refined, delicate research process known to man.  It cost me the entire monthly operating budget for this blog to achieve these results.  So you make sure to enjoy it.

Last year’s Super Bowl was watched by 111 million American viewers.  Two weeks ago 47 million watched the AFC Championship game while the NFC game carried 42 million.  Assuming similar numbers for tomorrow, what’s to account for this 60 million disparity?

We can all assume that those who truly care about football would watch two of the biggest games of the year right?  So why are 60 million meat-bags who don’t care about football watching the game?  As stated above, it’s because everybody else is watching.  What’s up with that?  Who cares?  If 100 million people were watching jai-alai in the Cayman Islands I wouldn’t watch it.  Except that I probably would; the whole thing.

Here’s a very profound statement (it came to me in a dream last night):  The average human wants to be a part of something.  They want in on the team.  When you show up at the Keurig station on Monday morning (water coolers are apparently for Commie-Nazis) you don’t want to be the only person who didn’t see at least one play the prior night.  Or who saw that wacky commercial.  By the way, buy things, lots of things!  Spend money now!  NOW!

The growing dispersion of entertainment sources is well known and written about constantly so we won’t discuss it here, at least until later.  But these figures show you how rare an occurrence a water cooler moment is now:

–  I Love Lucy was routinely watched by over half, yes half, of people who owned a television

–  Today the highest ratio is around 20%, by Sunday night football or NCIS

–  But NCIS, the number one show, averages only 21 million viewers a night

–  Seinfeld averaged over 30 million viewers for the last four years of its run

–  There are 40 million more Americans today than when Seinfeld ended

This is all a very slow way of saying that we the human race no longer watch the same things anymore.  Except for very rare events like tomorrow you are generally not going to be able to share the moments your grandparents and parents did with the population.  You may wonder why this matters to the public?

I offer the topic of festivus.  Seinfeld ended almost 15 years ago.  Yet how often did you hear somebody of advanced age bring up festivus a few weeks ago?  And then somebody else joined in on the joke.

It’s the idea that there’s something special to you and that from nowhere you can bring up a moment that made you laugh, cheer, tense, or cry.  Then at any point in your day, somebody you hardly know can share that moment with you.  It establishes a connection of thought and emotion between humans that is rarely shared.  You wouldn’t let these people walk your dog; but you’ll share that flash with them every chance you get.

Now is the growing absence of these moments a problem?  For two reasons, I don’t particularly think so.

First, we can still generate enough big events to keep us tied together:  online videos that get billions of views, Super Bowl, alien invasion leader broadcast, whatever.

Second, when you look back at human history, we’ve only had the capability to generate these moments for less than a century.  You think subsistence farmers got to read or watch the same thing in the millions?  There was The Bible, but I don’t think we place that in the same category.

We’ve survived this long by relying not on entertainment to establish our links with fellow creatures; but by generating those special moments through each other.  Through connections we create based not on what we watched, but on who we are.

So, a slight suggestion for those who don’t care about football.  Don’t watch it.  They’ll kick you off the team, but you don’t want in on that team anyways.  Make your own.

I_Love_Lucy_1955

Watched by more people than the Korean War.

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Is this what they fought for?

Many of you went to bed last night dreaming of dresses you saw on The Grammy’s or of the bizarre sight of NFL players chasing down members of their own team.

Either way, while a good portion of the world slept, the Egyptian army fired live rounds at young democracy protestors.  Note that this wasn’t a group of Muslim Brotherhood members; but university students of the same category as those who disposed of Hosni Mubarak three years ago.  Today we also learned that General Sisi (I stopped using the term Field Marshall to describe active ranks in 1946) has the approval of the army to run for president.  So what does that mean in today’s Arab world?  General Sisi is the next president of Egypt.

So if you were a student dodging small arms fire yesterday how would you feel as you went to sleep?  Well, I gather about the same as a pro-democracy campaigner in Damascus, a trade union affiliate in South Africa, or a human rights crusader in Burma.

As I look at history I am drawn to two inescapable conclusions regarding these matters:

1)  Most revolutions, rebellions, & uprisings are ultimately hijacked by assholes who care only for their own self-interest and/or enrichment.

2)  If democracy is the pinnacle of human government, it is also the hardest to achieve.

Want to do away with a dictator?  Want freedom, justice, and the good way of life?  Well, don’t we all.  If you live in a country that does not possess these things you can either escape or prepare for the long haul.

Magna Carta is eight centuries old and the British republic is still under development.  At the other end, there are probably turtles older than the American constitution.  Some countries with absolutely no precedent of it, like Japan, figured it out relatively quickly.  Look at any of these countries’ history and I offer that the road was hard, awful, and it took a really long time.  Everybody wants to be free; but be prepared to earn it, it takes forever.

And so I offer just a few points for those in Ukraine who are just getting things kicked off.  Call them little reminders you should bear in mind as you dodge tear gas, rubber bullets, Satan, mad cow disease, live rounds, and generally hope what you’re doing matters:

1)  Look to your left, and then to your right.  Odds are one of them is a criminal who does not care about your cause and is just there for kicks.  The other one is a coward who is wrapped up in the moment and will be gone by next week.

2)  Your opposition leaders are just as bad as the people you’re kicking out.  If you think once they’re in power that you can change the rules of the game, you’ll quickly find out the game is the same, just with different players.

3)  The international community does not care about you or your cause and will not lift a finger to aid you.  You’re going to have to do it on your own.

4)  Your country does not possess the institutions necessary to support liberty.  You’re going to have to build them over decades while at every turn people will battle you to maintain the status quo.

5)  If you mean it, then this is your life’s work.  Not a few months on the streets.  You’re going to have to fight, every day, for the rest of your life.  Always watchful, vigilant, and brawling for a better tomorrow.  Even if you succeed, it’ll be a grinding, tough life.  All you can do is hope by your sacrifice that later generations will live the freedom you have bought them.  And maybe if you’re lucky and good at it, you’ll get a little taste of it before you check out.

Do you find these conditions unappealing?  Then stay home.

thejob

Hardest job on the planet after Bear Baiter.

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Syria – This circus tent needs to collapse

This blog will address Syria in greater detail later.  Suffice to say, this is a complicated issue that Jesus would have trouble solving.  And he’s freaking Jesus!  I know what also won’t solve it though, the international diplomacy racket.

Let’s say you’re a Syrian army solider, a rebel, and/or a civilian in the back streets of an Aleppo suburb.  The army just conducted another mortar strike on the apartment block next to the market.  The rebels are trying to get the next shipment of rockets up before the army rolls in the heavy armor.  But it really doesn’t matter if they get the gear up in time, because the entire neighborhood is trashed so they’ll fight meter-for-meter anyways.  If the civilians are still there it’s because they have nowhere else to go.  Everybody’s exhausted, oh, and they’re all probably starving too.  Happy new year, Earth.

Now if this was your reality, would you think what happens in Geneva is important?  For these people, Geneva might as well be the third planet from Arcturus and the Arcturans are arguing over who stole the krypton from the office mess kitty.  Friends, you’ve got to understand, Yan-rek likes the powdered krypton right where he left it.  How else is he to find it in the morning before he’s had his first cup?

Since nobody has an answer for Syria, you might say this conference is at least worth a shot because it can’t possibly do more harm than good.  Well, if you think this, you’re an idiot.  When the attention of all these politicians is on a conference that can’t possibly accomplish a damn thing, I guarantee you there’s something else that isn’t getting done.  Like how five million refugees are going to get fed for the next few years?  Oh, by the way, the UN doesn’t have enough cash for them all.  The Geneva hotel budget alone could probably feed the country for a week though, but who cares.

Friends, this is another topic we’ll hit later.  What I consider the blatant incompetent narcissism of the international diplomatic community.  They all actually think this is important, that they can accomplish something.  If you want to know what it looked like when diplomats were so useless that World War One got started, I think it was something like this.  I’m sure a lot of them are genuinely good people who are trying to do the right thing, but sorry, they’ve already failed before it started.

“Wednesday’s initial meeting, involving speeches from 40 or so foreign ministers – has now ended. The direct talks are scheduled to begin in Geneva on Friday.”

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-25836827

Yes, friends, forty.  Forty foreign ministers.

But it’s okay because the real talks are still two days away.  Cue cash-register sounds for Geneva hotelier.

Oh, and it would appear once again Ban Ki-moon has shown he is not in touch with reality:

“At a fractious evening news conference, during which there were repeated calls for calm, Mr Ban spoke of the suffering in Syria, saying: ‘Enough is enough. The time has come to negotiate.’

Uh, Ban, he’s killed like over a hundred-thousand people.  I don’t think he’s interested in talking.  Maybe you could ask his foreign minister that over the ten-thousand dollar a plate dinner tonight?

Again, there’s no easy answer here.  But let’s at least be honest to those people in Aleppo.  If Ban isn’t saying this:

“Enough is enough. The time has come to negotiate.  Stop the killing by close of business, Friday.  If you don’t, we’ll destroy you and your regime.”

Then nothing is going to change.

morons

“We’re all fucking useless!”