Category Archives: Internet

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Zuckerberg doesn’t seem to understand how the Internets works

Great news, haters! Facebook has decided to finally allow the dislike button. Soon, your rage, outrage, and uncontrollable rage will have an extra outlet as you share you hatred of all humanity with even your own closest friends and family.

Now, Zuckerberg says he hopes folks will use the dislike button to express empathy; as in times where using the like button would not be appropriate. For instance, if you post that your kitty died, folks can click dislike to show they are sad with you.

Or try these on for size, here are two other appropriate times you could use the dislike button to express empathy with a poor unfortunate soul:

TAP Facebook 1

TAP Facebook

Unfortunately, I fear Zuckerberg doesn’t seem to understand how the Internets works. A significant, in fact alarming, amount of the Internets is fueled by hate. Things you would never say or do to any face-to-face human being are common. We’ve certainly had our fair share unhinged, immature, or alarmingly hateful rage moments on this blog. Sometimes I look back, and I’m like: Uh, not cool dude. Why did you write that?

Or think of all your Facebook friends who do nothing but post brutally on politics. I’m sure the dislike button will go swimmingly with those folks and their opposing sides.

I guess my thing is the absence of a dislike button was one of those last uncharted territories of the Internets where you couldn’t mindlessly share your hate. I mean, you could, in the comments box, but that’s different. Using a comment requires you to actually type. Now you’ll just be able to click without any reasonable coherent thought at all.

See a political view you don’t agree with: dislike

See a story about a celebrity you can’t stand: dislike

See your friend post a positive comment about the Steelers: dislike

See your 23 year old friend post a photo of him wearing a hat, drinking PBR, and watching a VCR: dislike

Oh, wait, okay that one would be legit. And maybe the third one too.

dislike

don’t do it Mark! dislike

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on death and social media

The odds of you checking out on camera via violence or accident are infinitesimal. You’re probably sixteen times more likely to get struck by lightning. Your last moments are hopefully to occur peacefully alongside family. And while that event isn’t going to end well for you, at least it’s what we’d consider natural.

I’m of the opinion that despite the exciting pages of history, the vast majority of humans have never seen or experienced brutal violence. Still, when there were no cops around and everybody carried a club, I’m sure we had our fair share of cave related deaths. Or vicious renaissance era coffee house brawls.

The difference between today’s world and say, a Vienna stabbing in 1734, is that everybody’s holding a camera. More than that, everybody’s holding a full-motion-video camera right in their pockets. Even the fixed-site big cameras are different now. It used to be the only time a security camera’s footage was shown is on the news. Now a security video makes its way to the Internets six minutes later.

Whereas we were once a race that traditionally never saw actual violent death with our own eyes, now every single person carries it at their fingertips. And please understand that I consider this light years from movie or video game violence. One is real, the other is not. It’s that simple.

A thought occurred to me a few days back while watching the video of the Tianjin blast in China. Put simply: “Is this wrong?” And then: “What is it doing to us?”

Everybody loves explosions. We’ve been enjoying fireworks for thousands of years. So like countless others, I got a real kick out of watching one of the biggest blasts you’re likely to ever see.

Here’s one of the better examples. Warning, big time profanity in it (even more than you’d usually read on this blog):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q04fV4j7A1w

Cool, right? But if you really took a step back and thought about it, as these major blasts occurred, probably about fifty firefighters were dying, incinerated. While it’s neat for us to watch, it’s also rather horrifying, and deeply disturbing.

You can take it a step further too. Here’s an example of security footage that found its way online quickly because some guy took smartphone video of the camera’s monitor. It’s of a guy having the blast collapse the entire entranceway and wall in front of him. In other words, his last few seconds of life:

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=7a3_1439409813

If we’re not careful, our inner-freak-human-self can degenerate to the part of our psyche that used to get a kick out of watching medieval public torture executions. It’s a special form of darkness.

The tale continues with yesterday’s murder of two reporters live on camera by a truly deranged individual. You had the unique ability to watch the killing from the perspective of both the victims and the killer. It doesn’t get any worse than this. Oh, but wait, except it does. For the Islamic State (neither Islamic nor a State) goons have posted some of the more vicious videos in human history, hundreds of them.

Tens-of-millions, perhaps hundreds-of-millions, of humans have watched these videos. I’m sure tens-of-millions worldwide have watched the Virginia murders from both perspectives in the last 24 hours.

I intentionally have never watched an Islamic State (neither Islamic nor a State) video. But I’ll admit it, Virginia I did, both perspectives. And I think it’s broken my brain, and a corner’s been turned.

“Is this wrong?” Yep. You bet.

“What is it doing to us?” Nothing good.

We’re supposed to evolve, right? Thanks to the Internets we now possess the ability to watch somebody die, right before our eyes, at the click of a button, just because we feel like. Or because we’re fascinated by it. Or because we’re just curious. Or because everybody else watched it. Or because maybe in our dark-inner-selves we enjoy it.

Or maybe you think it’s important that we watch, so we truly understand the darkness we’re facing? No, instead you should read any number of United Nations reports on what the Islamic State (neither Islamic nor a State) has done. It’s all there in black-and-white. You get a real good idea of just how truly wicked those dudes are by reading ten pages. We don’t need a snuff video to understand or appreciate evil.

No more. Not for me. I’m going to try and evolve. Certain things are wrong even if many have accepted them as commonplace. The culture seems to have decided that you can drink your coffee and watch somebody die. No thanks, I’m getting off this train.

Or put in another more practical way, the Islamic State (neither Islamic nor a State) goons and yesterday’s Virginia killer have one thing in common: They did the videos because they want you to watch.

It’s generally considered a bad idea to wake up in the morning, pour your coffee, and do what evil wants.

Like all human inventions, social media and the Internets are going to do a great deal of good and bad for us all. Choose the good. Discard the bad. Evolve. Do good. Live well. And hopefully others do the same.

It’ll never happen, but perhaps think of the positive change to humanity if some day, an evildoer posts their murder video online, and nobody watches.

internet death

No more.

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I don’t get the popularity of this meme

It’s not even funny. Or is it funny because everybody says it’s funny? Or it is funny because everybody says it’s funny and it’s used about six-hundred times a day? I think I’ve seen this thing used once a day for about a week. What gives?

meme3

Uh, it really hurts my brain to even have to type the word meme. It’s such a stupid sounding word. It harms my sense of good language. Which is saying a lot, considering I do more harm to the English language in one day than Hitler did.

Hey speaking of Hitler, so the original purpose of this Keep Calm thing was to plaster it up on a wall in London so folks would stay motivated as the Luftwaffe firebombed the city. I’m not quite sure that adequately translates into a funny meme. Unless you happen to subscribe to ultra-dark-humor as I do.

Here, try this one on for size:

meme1

 

My Guests got in on the action too:

meme2

 

But this one is by far my favorite; a cheeky Brit surely wrote it:

Keep_Calm_EPS

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a few belligerent conclusions from the belligerent beheading of HitchBOT

First off, I’ll be upfront when I say I didn’t know this was a thing. I didn’t know what/who HitchBOT was/is. So I guess this robot dude has earned the increasingly common human trait that nobody knows/cares who/what you are until you’re brutally slain.

1) HitchBOT was built to see “…can robots trust human beings?” No.

2) Can humans trust robots? No.

3) Can humans trust humans? No.

4) They should have armed HitchBOT with some type of firearm or at least a knife. There were undoubtedly laws or practical reasons this did not happen, but if he’d had like a small revolver maybe he wouldn’t have been beheaded.

5) HitchBOT learned the hard way that America is an incredibly violent place compared to Canada or Europe. According to The Economist, “If America were to release every single prisoner who has not been convicted of killing or raping someone, its incarceration rate would still be higher than Germany’s.” Damn.

6) Of course, of course HitchBOT was taken apart in Philly. If you could have put money on where HitchBOT would be murdered, Philly would have been at the top of my list. Although D-Cell battery stoning would have been the weapon I guessed, not a beheading.

7) HitchBOT says “my love for humans will never fade.” I think HitchBOT’s PR hack wrote this. I’m pretty sure he’s actually really pissed off, seeing as how he got beheaded on vacation and all. Dude’s probably rewatching Terminator and plotting. But then he’ll get all depressed because he’ll realize how inadequate he is compared to Arnold. And they’ll have to put HitchBOT on suicide watch.

8) Why didn’t the guy who beheaded HitchBOT hold him for ransom? It’s not actual kidnapping, and the dude would instantly be the most famous guy on the planet via his entertaining ransom videos posted online. What? Stolen property charges? He’d do six days in jail and then be able to start a lucrative music career as the internet rapper Notorious-Hitch-BOT-Hater.

9) HitchBOT should only blame himself for poor travel safety planning. Follow the rules of smart travel. In places of grave danger, bring a buddy policy, have an escape plan, arm thyself, etc. See note (6).

10) HitchBOT is about to discover the art of modern social media. Just like Cecil, in three weeks, nobody’s going to remember who/what he is.

Hitchbot

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behold the irrationality and sadness of the Internet

In some circles, Walter Palmer is the most despised man on the planet today.  What a horrible guy, to shoot a lion for money.  He must have cut a deal with Satan.  And he’s just a dentist from Minnesota, so it’ll be very easy for the Internets mob to destroy him.

But I have just one questions for the haters:

 

Do you know who Robert Mugabe is and what he’s done to Zimbabwe?

 

If the answer is no?

Please, shut your mouth.

_84539613_cecilthelion3_paulafrenchcopy

by far, so very far, not the worst thing to happen to Zimbabwe today

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your own self-driving car is never going to happen; but if it does, you’re in trouble

I’ve believed for years that the Internet of Things is ultimately going to be known as one of our culture’s greatest mistakes. We’re restructuring all the building blocks of our society on an Internet with security rules built on quicksand. If every business can lose your credit card number in eight seconds, what chance does every other company have at keeping things safe once they’re online?

And much of the Internet of Things is so unnecessary. What possible reason is there to hook up my fridge to the Internet? Oh, so the power company can better manage the grid at peak hours? I swear, if I hooked up my fridge and they turned it off, and I got home and my beer was warm? I’d burn down the power company.

And so to the surprise of nobody who understands how the Internet is structured, a bunch of dudes have figured out how to hack your car. Not the fancy new wired self-driving cars, but your normal everyday average current automobile. They discovered they can literally turn your steering wheel and send you to Valhalla via the express lane.

The BBC has a good brief summary, but the Washington Post gets into the all too predictable horrifying details.

Unless we’re prepared to restructure the base rules of the Internet, then the Internet of Things is a danger because everything is completely vulnerable. Yeah, I know, quite the stretch for some. But it’s all doom mongering from lunatic blog authors, until somebody dies in their car via a hack. Or somebody hijacks a drone and rams an airliner. I don’t have to go through this again do I?

Because of this, I contend your own self-driving car is never going to happen. Not because the technology can’t be done, but because there’s no way they can make it secure. And if your car ever does become self-driving it’ll be because somebody hacked your car and you’re in trouble. Break the window and dive out, while you can.

burning car

our future awaits

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I’m thinking of becoming a professional troll; just to amuse myself

The possibilities are endless.  Folks get offended online over anything.  I could waste more hours of humanity’s time in one post than all the department of motor vehicles combined.  All these people would take it so seriously, whereas I’d care about nothing.  Just think of the joy of so much outrage, generated by falsity.  It’d be just like the real media, but unlike them, I wouldn’t make any money.  But the daily humor would be unspeakable.

 

– I take one of my dog(s) stuffed toys and dress it up like a dodo bird.  Then I pose in front of it smiling with a rifle like it’s a hunting kill in the bush.  Only I’m just in my own backyard with the grass grown long because I’m too lazy to cut it.  And my caption is, “Just havin’ fun cleanin’ out nature’s mess.  CITES says this bird is endangered, but I found one real quick and shot it.  So I don’t think it’s endangered.  #naturegenocide”

 

– I buy an American flag and an Iranian flag.  I drape myself in both flags while wearing a Jason mask and holding a half empty wine bottle to accentuate the randomness.  And then I e-mail the picture to various Iranian Council of Guardians support groups alongside various Liberty University support groups.  Then I crack a beer(s) and await the death threats.

 

– I make a social media post with a painting of Queen Victoria accusing it of vicious sexism because it depicts a strong female ruler wearing a dress instead of a pants-suit.  In fact, I accuse Victoria’s ghost of being entirely at fault for actively participating in such horrid stereotypes.  I make sure to point out how cool it is to dive back into history and impose my own social, political, and cultural viewpoints upon those who’ve been dead for centuries.

 

– I shoot video of me wearing a faded Yugoslavian track suit as I run from business to business where I open the door and shout inside at the top of my lungs:  “I hate you pigs!  I’ll never buy anything from you!  Burn ya bastards!”  My track suit adventure entails stops at the following locations:

1) A gun shop

2) An LBGT%#? bar

3) A Christian book shop

4) A mosque gift shop

5) Hobby Lobby

6) Hilary Clinton campaign depot

Then I post the video.  Then I crack a beer(s) and await the death threats.

 

– I buy a bloody Halloween head and pose in front of it with my biggest kitchen knife covered in tomato sauce.  My caption is, “I just saw Taken 3 and I couldn’t help myself.”  I’m pretty sure this is illegal because the cops would show up.  But the purpose would be to see how many folks I could hook and get them to post anti-Hollywood violence messages just off my one photograph alone.

 

– I go on a dating site and find a lunatic female willing to assist.  She dons a Dallas Cowboys jersey; I don a Philadelphia Eagles jersey.  (PS both these teams suck)  Then I dot our eyes to imply physical injury.  Then I post the picture with the caption, “Domestic violence is okay in sports.  We both participated during the last game; just to release our internal anger.  We think it’s fun.  We think this behavior is an integral part of the NFL.  You should too.  #sportsmorals”  And then we sit back, crack a beer(s), and count the hours until Roger Goodell resigns.  It’d be a match made in heaven.

 

– I post textual evidence of my writing an offensive, deranged blog that serves no purpose and generally contributes nothing to the course of human events while hiding behind the narcissistic tag line of Exercise in Freedom of Speech.  Upon realization of actual events; I meekly contemplate my future as a bleached skeleton and wonder when I’m going to get a life.  #life

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Absurdity of the Week! Death threats!

Why has threatening to viciously eliminate your fellow human’s existence become so common?!

 

Apparently, you can’t write anything online anymore without somebody breaking out the maximum-eternal-insult.

Do you like Chris Kyle? Death threat.

Do you hate Chris Kyle? Death threat.

Are you ambiguous on Chris Kyle? Death threat.

Do you like cheese? Death threat.

Do you hate cute kitties? Death threat.

Are you ambiguous on the teachings of Musashi? Death threat.

Well, if you ask my Guests (and I sure did!) this is wholly inefficient. Why should we limit this newfound malicious behavior just to the electronic environment? Let’s branch out. Spread the love! Using my Guests’ brutal methods.

Accordingly, we offer the following example scenarios for how you must now conduct yourself face-to-face. Thank you for your cooperation. We truly desire to keep liquidation to an absolute minimum.

 

They Say: We can’t give you that day off.

You Say: I’ll slice your throat open.

 

They Say: I loved Fifty Shades of Grey.

You Say: I’m going to strangle you with a discarded rolled-newspaper.

 

They Say: I’m sorry but that transaction does not appear in our records.

You Say: I look forward to watching your wife and children cry at your funeral.

 

They Say: I stopped you for speeding.

You Say: You’ll make a beautiful bleached skeleton.

 

They Say: Your kid’s a genius.

You Say: I wonder if anybody will miss you when you die by my hand.

 

They Say: I forgot to get that report done.

You Say: Have you briefly considered the prospect of holding your own detached liver.

 

They Say: We’re sorry but that item is out of stock.

You Say: It’s likely you’ll burn very quickly given how much kerosene I plan on using.

 

Why not?! Everybody keeps saying social media encourages people to do/say things in the virtual world that they’d never do/say in the physical world. Let’s put that theory to the test!

bloody candlestick