Absurdity of the Week! Death threats!

Why has threatening to viciously eliminate your fellow human’s existence become so common?!


Apparently, you can’t write anything online anymore without somebody breaking out the maximum-eternal-insult.

Do you like Chris Kyle? Death threat.

Do you hate Chris Kyle? Death threat.

Are you ambiguous on Chris Kyle? Death threat.

Do you like cheese? Death threat.

Do you hate cute kitties? Death threat.

Are you ambiguous on the teachings of Musashi? Death threat.

Well, if you ask my Guests (and I sure did!) this is wholly inefficient. Why should we limit this newfound malicious behavior just to the electronic environment? Let’s branch out. Spread the love! Using my Guests’ brutal methods.

Accordingly, we offer the following example scenarios for how you must now conduct yourself face-to-face. Thank you for your cooperation. We truly desire to keep liquidation to an absolute minimum.


They Say: We can’t give you that day off.

You Say: I’ll slice your throat open.


They Say: I loved Fifty Shades of Grey.

You Say: I’m going to strangle you with a discarded rolled-newspaper.


They Say: I’m sorry but that transaction does not appear in our records.

You Say: I look forward to watching your wife and children cry at your funeral.


They Say: I stopped you for speeding.

You Say: You’ll make a beautiful bleached skeleton.


They Say: Your kid’s a genius.

You Say: I wonder if anybody will miss you when you die by my hand.


They Say: I forgot to get that report done.

You Say: Have you briefly considered the prospect of holding your own detached liver.


They Say: We’re sorry but that item is out of stock.

You Say: It’s likely you’ll burn very quickly given how much kerosene I plan on using.


Why not?! Everybody keeps saying social media encourages people to do/say things in the virtual world that they’d never do/say in the physical world. Let’s put that theory to the test!

bloody candlestick

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