Category Archives: Culture

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It’s time to incinerate a core evil

It’s become more about money than freedom. If history goes in cycles, we’re at a tipping point to a new era. Our direction depends on the course we take as a people.

What’s changed that gave birth to this pivot? For those of you who actually care who Gwyneth Paltrow is married to, here’s a short lesson. It’s mostly technology, but also that a Western democracy can no longer borrow free money. The computing capacity available to today’s society enables a level of wealth creation unknown to any prior age. The elite then use these super-fortunes to buy influence and control which feeds more treasure to them. This creates an exponential cycle in which those who possess little money and powers are just simply left out. Some folks have begun to talk of a ‘Second Gilded Age’. I’m not so sure about this, I just know we have a huge problem here.

In the seven decades since the end of the Second World War these same conditions existed to some extent. It’s just that technology is so much more powerful today. And a country can’t borrow enough to buy off the lower levels of civilization. The era of guiltless never-ending state borrowing is over. The agreement used to be that the middle-class and poor got benefits provided by the state and said elites. And, here’s the kicker, the opportunity to climb the ladder. If you worked hard, you kept a job, at least partial health care, a decent retirement, and ultimately the chance to make your life and the lives of your children better.

Yet, in a manner few anticipated, this social contract depended upon the state’s ability to constantly borrow money and run a deficit. Those days are over and the state is broke. Thus the state is no longer able to meet its obligations and that leaves only the brilliant-elite. The rich are balking at assuming the state’s end of the bargain. Rightly so, it’s not their job. But people believe it is. And when nobody has enough money to solve the problem, then we have a big problem, friends.

All of this is hard enough to wrap your brains around without the plague inducing impacts of the agreement between the elite factions. Even if they had not cut a deal on their own, we’d still be out of money. But what makes this truly a potential nightmare is the renewed dark alliance between money and power. It’s always been like this to some extent, but this has gotten out of hand.

Your local, state, and federal politicians, who should be figuring out how to prevent your social security from going bankrupt, are too busy doing the bidding of those with money. You don’t have any money, and so you’re not important to them. The political-class is in the business of helping the interests of the sections of business that are shameless & immoral enough to engage in vote buying.

Together, this guild is what I refer to as the elites. This is the section of society that now exists to fuel their own interests, largely at the expense of the rest of us. This group crosses all normal boundaries you can think of. They are Democrat & Republican. They are urban & rural. They are all races. They are male & female. They’ll tell you that they they’re separated into bands that battle each other. They’re lying. They’re all one in the same.

Now not everybody who is a politician or a rich businessman fits into this category. There are entrepreneurs who refuse to play the game. There are politicians who are genuinely interested in doing only good, and don’t give a damn about money. But they are only part of the mix. What’s the ratio between them and the evil I mentioned above? I have no idea, but I know it’s not a ratio we can live with.

To illustrate what I’m talking about, let’s analyze just one issue on the table.

 

brian-roberts-comcast_gi

Your hard earned Cash tastes sweet in my Soul

 

Comcast wants to acquire Time Warner. By any reasonable definition, this gives Comcast a monopoly in many of the major cable & internet markets in the country. This is a product area where Americans already suffer high prices due to a lack of competition.

Comcast CEO Brian Roberts is, of course, no stranger to money in politics. President Obama golfs with Roberts, spends time in his home(s), hosts fundraisers for Obama, sits on various Presidential councils, promotes administrative initiatives, and so on.

But wait, there’s more. Roberts also donates a ton of cash to Republicans too! Now’s he’s donated more to Democrats lately, but maybe that’s just because they’re in power right now. He’s been accused many, many times in the past of being a fervent supporter of Republicans during the Bush years when they had power. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence? Maybe an Arcturan held a bolt pistol to his head and made him play both sides with lots of cash, but I doubt it.

But wait, there’s more. A former Federal Communications Commission (FCC) voting member who approved of Comcast’s merger with NBC Universal, Meredith Attwell Baker, Republican, Bush official, is now a key lobbyist with Comcast. Maybe they just hired her because of her talent and experience? I’m sure it wasn’t to return a favor or anything like that.

But wait, there’s more. Tom Wheeler, the head of the FCC and thus in charge of regulating the deal is a former lobbyist for the cable companies! And a big Obama loyalist and fundraiser. I’m sure he’s all about ruling fairly against the corporations he used to represent. I’m sure he doesn’t owe them any courtesies at all.

But wait there’s more. Comcast has developed a habit of providing campaign cash, “to almost every member of Congress who has a hand in regulating it.” Democrat & Republican. Why, well, for whatever reason would they want to do that?

So, I’ll just assume our benevolent government will fairly and impartially determine whether Comcast’s future monopoly is in the best interests of you, the American consumer, right? Do they really think we’re this stupid? Why yes, friends, yes they do!

Here’s a little hint for those of you who are only interested in having your political party, social project, or defining issue win: The elites are playing you all for fools. There is no side, there is only them. And if you’re not them, you’re not important.

Maybe you still don’t understand, or disagree with, what I’m talking about. Okay, let’s look at the most basic tenant of a functioning democracy. Do you, the average voter, have access to the politicians who represent you?

You vote for them, they work for you. A politician is your employee. As their boss, you should be able to interact with them, right? Wrong. Because you don’t have money, they don’t care what you think. Observe this truly brilliant experiment from NPR:

http://www.npr.org/2014/03/26/294361018/how-to-meet-your-congressman

I can’t solve all of this in one blog post. Indeed, I’m not smart enough to solve this at all. But it’s time to begin the assault by detonating the most pervasive trait of today’s money: the theft of our freedom. We must get the elite’s cash separated from politics. Thus I propose two broad solutions as a start.

 

houseoffice

A place where Dreams are Broken

 

– Political Finance Reform

Now a number of you are going to blow this off outright based upon your beliefs. Oh, how fervent the opposition was to campaign finance reform. A lot of you are going to claim that supporting this is tantamount to opposing free speech. Oh, really?

Here’s the problem, kids. Free speech in terms of influencing the political debate does not exist. Instead, we have impact of speech. The impact of your speech is directly proportional to how much money you have. If you have no money, you have no impact.

Note that I also say political reform and not just campaigns. It does us no good if we fix money in campaigns, but then the elites can still buy votes with fancy trips and gifts after somebody is elected. And both “sides” need to ante up to this correction. Corporations, unions, business, environmentalists, everybody’s got to get out of the game of influencing our lives based upon how much cash they bring to the table.

– Transparency

And we need to know who’s doing it. Technology has enabled control to an extent unthinkable to those who built our republic. We need to harness its power to fight back. We need databases that show where money and politics align. These treasure troves of sin should be required for open access to the public.

Every dollar that goes into a campaign needs visibility. If we don’t know who bankrolled a guy, we can’t honestly assess whether his or her actions, once elected, aren’t influenced to the benefit of one over the many. A few of you are going to tell me this is awful because it gives government the power to retaliate against those who give money to the side that lost. That’s a valid concern, but a separate issue. Blatant political retaliation is not necessarily about money. If the government wants you, they can get you all kinds of different ways.

If a politician meets with a corporation and then writes a letter demanding action on their behalf, they’re on report. If a politician talks with a rich guy in a bar, they’re on report. If a politician goes to visit a business, they’re on report. And so on. If politicians don’t like micromanaging & reporting their lives this way, then don’t run for office. You work for us, we don’t trust you, and so we’ll monitor you like a boss monitors a degenerate employee.

If it’s all legal, if it’s all part of the normal activities of government, then the people who government represents have a right to know about it. And then we can judge for ourselves if these actions are legitimate. If it’s all above board, they have nothing to hide. If they’re up to no good, we must know and take appropriate measures.

 

capitol-in-1800

They had money problems too, but also Honor & Duty

 

The great comedian, social & political commentator, Bill Hicks has a number of swell lines. You can love Bill or hate him. He had a lot to say that pissed people off. This is kind of why I favor him. Even as I agree with a lot of what he said, I also despise a lot of the rest. By the way, he knew this. It was his point. Either way, he died well before his time. Here’s my favorite from him:

“It’s all about money, not freedom, y’all, okay? Nothing to do with fuckin’ freedom. If you think you’re free, try going somewhere without fucking money, okay?”

Now granted, Bill might have meant you can’t take a bus somewhere and check into a hotel room without cash. But I suspect he really meant something along the lines of what I’m talking about here today.

Igniting this core of evil and dancing upon its shattered grave is going to be very hard. Everybody in power has a vested interest in its continuance. So we need to work the problem together. If we don’t, our freedom’s destroyed forever. This isn’t a right, left, east, north, whatever, “side” thing. This is an “Our Freedom” thing. Gather your fireworks, matches, and booze, friends. It’s well past time to detonate this hateful disease from our way of life.

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Don’t make things more than they are

We must eat to live. We might as well enjoy it. But this has gotten out of hand. The assholes have distorted the third most basic of human functions and turned it into a commodity for their profit. We are not the better for it.

I’ve started to notice that ordinary, random people now describe their food like a dick critic they’ve observed on that recent food show called [insert any name here]. My latest experience with this delightful phenomenon was this last weekend at a wedding. The food was very good, but folks felt compelled to explain how they enjoyed it like the actors (they’re not chefs once they take media cash) they saw on television. Here are a few examples that I made up based roughly on what I heard:

 

What They Said: This prime rib has great texture and is cooked to perfection.

What They Meant: This is good meat, hell yeah.

What People Used to Say: This is good shit.

 

What They Said: I find the dressing has just the right vinegar and acidity for my tastes.

What They Meant: I like this salad dressing.

What People Used to Say: Good salad, man.

 

What They Said: This cheesecake has the right balance of sweet and savory.

What They Meant: I like my desert, go humanity.

What People Used to Say: Give me more.

 

When we begin to emulate the media’s view of our most essential acts, folks, it’s time to detonate the human race. What we apparently now think is food is instead a machine engineered version of food created for us by broadcasting fucks. Folks, that’s not food. That’s entertainment. Close your mouths or start to talk like real people again.

As a disclaimer, I cook, I cook well, and I cook all the time. I truly enjoy it. But I don’t make the elite trash you see on the idiot box. I make real food that the actors would call garbage. Well, thanks rich assholes, but I live in the real world. I cook real food and I like it. This is how we normal people live. You all can go to hell or return to your mansions, thank you.

Don’t make things more than they are. It’s not about textures, or acidity, or the views of faceless actors whose opinions aren’t worth the time it takes you to watch them. If you enjoy these shows, as I sometimes do, game on, but remember what it’s all about. Don’t lose focus.  Food is about sustaining life. Food is also about eating and sharing good times with your friends and family, those whom you love. If you make it more than that, you’re missing the point.

giada3

I have more money than Jesus. But if you don’t eat just like I do, you’re Satan.

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Fraudulent elections are the best elections

I’ve called my own snap election! I’ve consulted six million of my closest neighbors to determine if I am the biggest degenerate, hack in the galaxy. My opponent: ordinary, private citizen Abdel Fattah el-Sisi. By a 99% margin, they chose me.

Shocked, I fled to my hovel and cried like a schoolgirl rejected by Bieber until one of my Arcturan guests knocked me out with a blow to the back of the neck. They were sick of my noise. They were playing cards and required my silence. Or whatever they call cards. I don’t understand the game other than that for once, they don’t yell a lot.

Why do the dictators bother? Everybody on the planet knows that when you rake in 99% of the vote, your election was an exercise less useful than doing yoga in an attempt to rid yourself of the plague. Everyone with a functioning brain already knows Sisi is the next president of Egypt. Why will he bother holding a poll? Nobody’s going to believe it was real. What’s the point?

No really, I don’t get it. I may insult our debauched race like it’s cool but I generally have faith that we’re not all drug-fueled-idiots. Not one person is this stupid. Nobody believes 99% is legitimate. So I have no idea. If you know, tell me, and then inform your neighbors, and then call Sisi and see if he agrees. I’m sure it’ll be real easy to get him on the phone.

The Arcturans don’t understand either. Where they come from, a fraud election is called a “brutal, comprehensive liquidation of your political, cultural, and practical enemies”. They don’t comprehend why Sisi doesn’t just take his efforts “to the next level” rather than wasting time and resources on tedious balloting. I tried to explain to them that Earth is different from Arcturus. On Earth, nobody could get away with that kind of brutality anymore.

Our planet is more sophisticated than theirs. Here, if a Middle East dictator exterminated several-hundred-thousand humans in an attempt to consolidate his rule, we wouldn’t stand for it, we’d put a stop to it. So, … (unintelligible profanity) (throws chair)

You know what, fraudulent elections are the best elections. Sisi is the next president of Egypt. He’ll get the title via deceit or the deaths of many. Either way, it’s his job, nobody on this planet’s going to stop him. So you know what, let him have a fake referendum. Since nobody cares, it’s better than massive blood in the streets.

esh-ala

This fine gentleman considers Sisi a “putrid lightweight” in terms of his “barbarity”

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Let’s ask the robots to battle human misery

It’s cool to distract ourselves from the crushing reality of life with neat little treats, right? Look everybody, it’s a creepy solar powered robot directing traffic in a destitute country. How awesome is that! Well, not at all. If you think it is, as apparently half the modern news media does, you need to go first in line when the machines conveyer belt us all into the incinerator.

I don’t get the fascination with the two Kinshasa robots. In a broken city of ten million dominated by poverty, crime, and corruption we get a series of one or two paragraph articles from our wise, establishment journalists about a faceless little robot that replaces a transportation cop. This just displaced the human to walk a beat so he could get cash. When he’s stuck in the middle of the traffic circle, he can’t demand money.

I want to know how much these robots cost and then how much sleaze occurred just to get them built. Don’t ask the news idiots for that information; they’re not in the business of asking hard questions. They were too busy interviewing the Congolese officials, who bought a new refrigerator off the bribe cash they got, how they put the robots there.

Or maybe I’m wrong, it seems even the most impoverished soul loves the robots because they actually do their jobs and can’t request currency. So they’re superior to your average Congolese enforcer. Hell, they’re even better than any human, anywhere.

Let’s build more of them! They can perform all kinds of delightful tasks:

a) Cure Polio – Militant religious (not religious) assholes will have a real hard time assassinating a polio vaccination worker made of titanium.

b) Banish Malaria – Since we as a human race can’t afford to issue everybody six dollar bed nets, the robots can stand guard and zap mosquitos that approach at night.

c) Purify Potable Water – The robot will stand next to your putrid source, extend a pipe from its groin into the water, and then produce ready to drink liquid from his hand into your container of choice.

d) Execute Justice – A black cloaked machine will preside over the courts and interpret the law impartially using a wide database of past legal history. Verdicts will surprisingly be rendered without considering the influence of financial wealth and/or death threats.

e) Enforce the Righteous Arm of Morality – Thug androids made of tungsten will patrol the beat with all government and law enforcement officials. Said machine will be preprogrammed to identify the chemical reactions present in the skin and brain of an official demanding a bribe. If observed, the thug robot breaks the legs of the offending individual with a pipe.

I mean honestly, why not, it’s not like we’re going to do any of these things ourselves.

robot

I live only to serve the public. Your adoration is enough to fuel all my physical and spiritual desires.

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Know your audience

There are times people should know you have more money than Satan. And that’s a big deal, because he’s freaking Satan. There are also times you need to look around, and know when to throttle back. I don’t have a ton of gold in my crazy dragon cave. So I have no context and thus can’t help you.

There’s one of the big men at work. He makes a ton of cash. He likes to talk about his custom built boat and fancy castle. Generally you can look past it, if you even care or notice. Still, it can get old when a chap spends a good deal of his day informing others of how much cool stuff he has. I wonder if he realizes he can’t take any of that fancy shit to the next life? I mean, really, his skeleton’s going to look awfully similar to the homeless guy down the road.

At any rate, none of this really bothers me. I’m not dirt poor or even close to poor by any standard. But I’ll never own the fancy kit he’s talking about, and it doesn’t bother me. And even on days like today where he was comparing the virtues of six-figure cars with his buddies who stopped by, well, I kind of get a kick out of hearing about a car that’s so well engineered that if you leave the windows down while you hit top speed, it’ll remove the skin from your bones.

But a lot of people don’t see it that way. I didn’t notice, and I’m sure Mr Bling didn’t either, but after he left, I noticed from the chatter that a lot of people took it the wrong way. I guess it makes sense. When you make many times well north of six-figures, probably best to watch what you say in front of those who make less than half of six-figures solid.

You can make of this what you will. This is either a big deal, or not, or it’s just noise. I go either way really. But I guess it matters to me not because people got pissed off, you can’t blink without somebody getting offended at something these days, but because it influences views of our culture.

Reference my previous post, capitalism’s got a bad reputation these days. As you’ve heard me rant, a lot of this reputation is rightly deserved when it’s been so twisted by bad buys. But I still think it’s the best we’ve got, we’ve got to do better, not trash it entirely.

But it doesn’t help things when those with a lot of diamonds make it a point to rub it in. That doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t brag about all your neat toys, just know your audience. If you just poisoned a room of twelve people toward your fellow rich guys, I don’t think you’ve helped the system that made you wealthy. It’s not envy from the little guy, rich dude; it’s just common respect, show good form to your neighbor and you’re likely to receive it in return.

Maybe you don’t care rich dude, but I hope you believe that it’s a good thing if people can get as rich as you did down the road with the same level of hard work. Part of that is defending, or at least not poisoning, the system with a lack of class. Know your audience, lest you give one side the ammo and recruits they need to overturn your way of life.

Personally, I like the Japanese & Korean way the best. You could walk past a billionaire on the street there and not know it. They wear their wealth behind closed doors. You’ll get a four figure bottle of joy served to you inside a common shack. They get a kick out of hosting you that way, especially if you’re like me and you showed up wearing clothes worth less than his dog’s leash. Something to think about the next time you tell everybody how big your custom boat is, friend.

MrBurns

At least I’m hi-larious.

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Ignoring history has become too common

Everybody hates history.  It’s boring, most people who teach it are weird, it has almost no practical value toward our daily lives, and if you believe all of these things you’re in the majority.  That doesn’t mean you’re right.  Ignorance of history is also a poison to a culture.

In my opinion, one of the major common themes of a destroyed civilization is the absence of any understand of its history.  Do you think the drunk, rich assholes in Rome had any idea how hard it was to build their Empire right before Attila instructed them on the ways of the universe?

I could write ten pages on this topic, but I’m here today to raise one point that recently came to mind.  Twelve Years a Slave has won the Oscar for best picture.  They say it’s pretty good.  I haven’t seen it, but maybe I will later.  Perhaps just because it’s the elite thing to see it, I refuse to.

What really irks me is one of the greatest compliments people (idiots) hoist upon the movie’s shoulders is how it (my summary) exposes the rotten, intrinsically evil, founding principles of America.  I have no idea if this is what the movie’s creators intended, usually the audience can interpret whatever they want, but it’s what a lot of individuals are saying.  Folks who have no conception of their own history are happy to clap for a movie that informs them their heritage came from Satan.  Wow, that really makes me want to see the movie and enjoy it.

It’s easy to hate what you don’t understand.  The country was certainly founded with a great evil in slavery.  But the Founding Fathers knew this.  Just read Adams, Washington, Jefferson, and you quickly learn they all were well aware of what they were doing.  If you’ve learned anything on this blog it’s that life is a cruel bitch.  You do the best you can.  They made mistakes, and they certainly also made compromises.  In the end, they still created a very beautiful thing.  Maybe if your ancestors were under the whip you don’t see it that way, but I hope you at least understand where I’m coming from.  As I certainly understand where you’re coming from.

What bothers me the most in this conversation is that there was also a cleansing act in history that people ignore.  It’s called the American Civil War.  The Founding Fathers left this very stark issue for their grandchildren to address.  When people bring up the movie, they forget to mention that just a few years after the events of the movie took place, the country blew up.  If slavery was our founding sin, we paid for it in righteous blood.  One out of every thirty Americans died in this war.  The equivalent number in today’s population is ten million people.  It didn’t necessarily end there, just ask MLK’s ghost, but it was a start.

Two of my ancestors shed their blood on the battlefield to free the slaves and preserve America.  Don’t tell me we’re founded and sustained upon sin.  We’re human, we’ve made horrible mistakes.  But we’ve made up for them with great, virtuous acts.  We have a long way to go, but that’s history’s context too.  Compared to losing ten million on the battlefield, I assure you, we can make it all so much better together, hand-in-hand.  But we’re not going to get there listening to people who are stuck in the past, when they don’t understand the past.

So do me a favor you elite assholes.  The next time you mention how rotten we all are, at least be willing to tell me you’ve heard of Antietam or Cold Harbor or Fort Wagner or Chickamauga.  If you don’t know what they are?  Then I have no interest in what you have to say about our history.

dayattheoffice

You cannot fathom, my fellow Americans, of how awful it really was.

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Your future skeleton would appreciate it if you just calmed down

We’re all in a hurry.  We’ll be damned if we spend eight seconds to actually observe where we are rather than dragging out our damn smartphone to check our e-mail and/or texts for the 118th time of the day.  Forget reality, the digital world is so much better, right?  No, but everybody thinks it is.

I’ve spent an awful lot of time traveling lately.  New job, new responsibilities, and a new routine.  Be careful what job you wish for, folks.  You just might hate it an awful lot.  But if you’re lucky, as you hate it, you’ll also discover that it has certain gifts.  Like how it challenges and grows you in ways you’d otherwise not appreciate had you played it safe.

Anyways …, after traveling more times in the last four months than the last four years I’ve determined everybody is sprinting to the grave.  We’re just in an awful big hurry.  Folks run through airports, push through lines, jump through the security gates like the government pawns actually care, and generally are just total assholes.  And even when they get the privilege of doing nothing, like sitting at the airport gate?  Well, within two seconds the smartphone is out and they are either working or texting people whose names they can’t remember.

Hey, remember what it must have been like for a medieval farmer?  The grinding daily toil involved only talking to perhaps one-hundred people in his entire life?  And generally he moved at speeds that today would target him as worthy of a “mental retardation” diagnosis?  Well, how quaint was that?  You’re so fast and awesome that you can output the knowledge of all his life in six texts while you drink your $8 coffee and shove your way through the line.  “Out of my way eight year old little girl, you’re just too weak!”

I have determined that the worst offenders of this trend are, to my surprise, upper-middle-aged men accompanying their wives.  They move really fast, are on electronics every possible second, eat like starving rats, are short/angry with their wives, and move so fast that every second is apparently their last.  Except that it’s not, they just look like they’re on freaking meth.

(mumbling)  What?  (mumbling)  Where did that mirror come from?  (mumbling)  Well, fuck you, buddy, now listen… (mumbling)  Yeah?  (mumbling)  Okay, yeah, maybe.  (mumbling)  Okay, yeah, okay…

So, …, so I guess if you’re going to violate the laws of God and shit on your fellow man, perhaps you might as well admit that what really bothers you is you maybe see a shadow of your future self in such madness.  But then again, I have a phone that’s five years old and is held in place by fear.  So who really cares?  Well, me I guess.

Due to the aforementioned topics, I did something super insane, by my definition, a few weeks ago.  I was super late, that almost never happens, and just to see what I could discover, I sat down in a chair and absorbed reality for a bit.  What, you say?  So, are you just a freak?  Well, yes, but I challenge you, friends:

The next time you are very late for [something] I want to you to do this:

a) Briefly consider what your skeleton will look like after five years in the drink

b) Sit in a chair for five minutes and stare at the wall while you know you are extremely late

c) Bask in how absolutely nothing major in your life changes as a result

None of us is this important.  We’re all going too fast.  We all just need to calm down and enjoy life because we’re all dust very soon.  Slow down.  Be forgiving to your fellow man and woman.  We’re all in this together.  Enjoy it while you can.

grave

Whether I’m in heaven, hell, or nowhere, I assure you, I can’t remember that time I was late for something.

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Nigeria’s not going to make it

This post fulfills a promise I made to my military advisory council of ghosts a few weeks back.  So I guess we’re in quite the pessimistic mood lately.  We destroyed Israel a few days ago, now we’ll move on to Nigeria.

1) You can rob a country until it dies

The world’s greatest thieves don’t live in London or work on Wall Street.  They reside in mansions outside Lagos and Abuja.  Every year they steal more from one of the world’s poorest nations than bankers pilfer from the richest.  They siphon off billions each month.  Everybody knows they’re doing it.  Everybody knows who’s doing it.  Everybody knows they’re getting away with it.  The greatest mark of a successful crook is when you can rob at will and never get punished.  You can count the number of people convicted and jailed for capital corruption in Nigeria on one hand.

The breadth of corruption in Nigeria is hard to describe.  It’s beyond comprehension how vast and ingrained the evil is within the state and business community.  Generally people want to believe that folks will do the right thing.  How does this work when corruption is not part of the system, but is the system.  As currently configured, Nigeria’s government is not in place to govern, but to plunder.  It serves no other reasonable purpose.  Just ask your Nigerian neighbor who pays bribes, has no reliable electricity supply, is not safe, and drives over terrible roads.  What little filters down to the people is to appease them just enough so the government can continue to extract cash.  This trait is common within many countries but in Nigeria they’ve got it to an art.

Oil is often blamed for both creating and greasing this structure.  Yet oil is just the method, not the source, or the end.  Without oil this would still occur, the bandits would just be poorer.  So why do they get away with it?  They are in complete control.  In many nations those who govern and those who carry guns are two different aspects of the elite.  This causes competition and strife.  Nigeria’s gun carriers and pen pushers are the same people.  They work together to keep it going.  They compete with each other to reach and maintain their positions at the top, but are very good at understanding that you can’t push too hard against one another.  Push too hard and you overturn the table.  And everybody wants to sit at the table.

Why do the people put up with it?  There are no people of Nigeria.

2) You weren’t meant to be

Nigeria’s army, government, and elite are local but also essentially national.  The people of Nigeria are local only.  This country does not exist.  Its borders were drawn by colonials who had an understanding of what they were doing, but did not care.  Independence made the problem worse.  Even the British were smart enough to realize they had to keep the north and south separate.  Pulled together, they make no sense as one country.  Some African nations must deal with dozens of disparate ethnic groups to make one people.  Nigeria has hundreds.

The elite prey upon this division.  To some people, they are the champions of their tribes and ethnic kin.  When your head man has a seat at the table, he can funnel what little cash the people get to your people.  If you desire to speak up, fight the power, the elite don’t have to tear gas you.  Your neighbors will take care of that for them.  Why are you ruining things?  Without our man at the table, we’ll all be poorer.

Occasionally it becomes too much.  The thievery, poverty, and desperation boils ever as in the Delta States.  Not a problem, for the very few times where people actually take up arms there is one of Africa’s largest armies to assist.  The sons of hundreds of tribes against a few that don’t know enough to play the game.  If killing them doesn’t work, try and buy them off.  Just get them to calm down so the robbery can resume.  You don’t need to please people, or even get them to obey, you just need them to do nothing.

On the horizon, a hint of what might be.  In Lagos or Abuja where everybody is mixed together you could get there.  Where were you born, friend?  In Lagos, Nigeria.  What tribe, friend?  What do you mean?  My grandfather was born in Lagos too.  Except that this isn’t going to work either.  A united Lagos or Abuja alone cannot overturn a system so widespread.  The country is too big and complicated, even for a city the size of Lagos.  In a construct of 36 states, Lagos is one.  Lagos has a lot of people, but only 5-10% of the country’s population.  Lagos dominates the economy, but economic power is irrelevant to change when the genesis of the arrangement is not growth but the removal of wealth.

And how can a united Nigerian people in Lagos fix the country, when they’re fighting for their own survival.

delta

3) You can’t take care of yourself

One day, the largest city by population on the planet will be Lagos.  In most aspects it is already the economic and cultural engine of the continent as a whole.  If you want to see the picture of Africa’s bright future, spend a week in Lagos.  Observe the energy, the speed, the intensity; millions of people grinding their way forward.  If you’re here, you can do anything.  You can make it.

But most aren’t going to make it.  Depending on your view of the planet, you could call Lagos a slum before a city.  When this urban entity is the largest on the planet the majority will likely live in it without running water, functioning sewers, reliable electricity, or effective government.  The planet has never seen anything like it.  Even the worst caldrons in the world today cannot compare with what’s coming.  It is common in science fiction to portray the apocalypse and armageddon right before our eyes.  Where the very richest perfect specimens of humanity live within eyesight of folks still caught in the year 300.  This vision will reach its truest form in Lagos, and probably several other cities worldwide by 2090.

Even the purest government on Earth is incapable of solving these problems.  Surely one of the world’s worst will flail at the challenges this reality will produce.  Corruption is an awful thing, but when you don’t know where your next drink of clean water is coming from, you’re not ready to take a tear gas salvo.  You apparently live in a country called Nigeria, but couldn’t care less when your defecating in a plastic bucket.  You’re part of a bright future, but on your way there, you’ll pay two bribes, risk a mugging, car accident, or fatal disease all before you reach your first hour of dreary, toiling work.  If you’re lucky to have a job at all.

This is insanity, the human condition made outside knowledge.  And where madness reigns, so lunacy is born.

lagos

4) If you can’t beat these guys, you’re finished

How many dedicated individuals does it take to ruin a country of 200 million?  When you’re as fragile as Nigeria the answer is ten-thousand.  Nobody knows how many militants serve Boko Haram and its more radical affiliates like Ansaru.  I’m just going to guess ten-thousand, although I’m sure the number is far lower.  All that I’ve described as the future of much of Lagos is already present in the north.  Once the world’s richest economic zone, it is now reduced to decay and desperation by a crippled Saharan trade and a collapsed textile industry.

And so born from this sad story is a group capable of executing children on a regular basis.  Even worse is it’s done without a purpose.  There appear no reasonable goals from Boko Haram or Ansaru.  They are different from the Delta States militias in that they want nothing from the state.  Claims for an Islamic future or overturning the existing order are not realistic or achievable.  If a million in Lagos could not destroy the state, what chance do the ten-thousand have?  None, and they don’t care.  What have they got to lose?  What great life awaits them if they come in off the battlefield?

And pitted against them is what was once considered the largest and best trained army in Africa.  Except that it no longer exists, if it ever did.  You cannot ask a burglar with a gun to become a soldier with a gun overnight.  Any halfway competent army can defend schools, whole towns, the very life of its country.  This army can’t.  Boko Haram is not brutalizing the population with advanced weaponry or the backing of a world power.  They conduct their work up close and personal with light firearms, blades, and flame.

Like many times in human history, cruel, never-ending violence shall expose in the most glaring way what actually exists.  The state cannot protect let alone serve the people.  Nigeria cannot defeat Boko Haram because this government, this leadership, is incapable of it.  It is not who they are.  It is not the organism they built.  And of course, worst of all, they don’t care either.  Boko Haram is up there.  We’re down here behind mansion walls.

Thus it’ll go on.  It’s not going to stop.  Any part of it all.

boko

5) It adds up

So how does this end?  With the collapse of the country?  Shall Nigeria divide into dozens of small nations?  No actually, the country will survive.  It’s not going to come apart.  It will endure.  Maybe even slowly improve.  We’re only human, sometimes it’s all just too much.  We cannot function, but quitting is not our way.  We have to try, we have to try because mass suicide or dejection isn’t in us.  Nigeria’s not going to make it.  But they’re certainly going to try.

Perhaps the most tragic fact is that given all these circumstances, Nigeria still won’t be destroyed.  If obliterated, it could at least be rebuilt better.  Nigeria’s not going to make it.  But it will go on.  And I will pray that I am wrong.  So very wrong.

lagos sunset

Setting or rising?

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Film in the Middle East – Banning Noah

Many people focused today on pivotal issues such as a missing airplane, invasion plans, and whether $12 million on one man is enough to buy your way out of Super Bowl shame.  I on the other hand spent my day figuring out the greatest mystery since King Tutankhamun’s tomb:

Why are several Gulf states banning the masterpiece hit film Noah?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-26568107

To get to the bottom of this crisis I commuted today to Doha via an Arcturan Teledar sortie.  There I spoke with Professor Ali Hassan bin Angry of the Doha Institute for Offended Studies.

The Arcturus Project:  Professor Hassan, thanks so much for agreeing to speak with us.

Professor Hassan:  My pleasure, Sir.

TAP:  Why so quick to ban a film you haven’t even seen?

PH:  Well, it’s not necessarily the content of the film, but as we understand it Nūh is depicted directly in the film…

TAP:  Yes, I saw Russell Crowe’s dreamy face in the previews.

PH:  Exactly, and in Islam we consider it blasphemy to show the face of a prophet, any prophet.

TAP:  And so the ban.

PH:  Yes, of course.

TAP:  Why did you not just ask Paramount to blur Crowe’s face throughout the film?  It might have actually improved the viewing experience.

PH:  Ah, I suppose we never considered it.  It’s just blasphemous.

TAP:  Do you hope all nations with Islamic populations will ban the flick?

PH:  Of course, it’s sacrilege and offensive to our values.

TAP:  You do realize they don’t actually intend to offend you, they just want to make a shit ton of cash.

PH:  Pardon?

TAP:  They’ve managed to offend nearly every religion on the planet by making this film.  I think even a Buddhist monk wants to vomit somewhere, but they don’t want to offend people because if they offend somebody they can’t take their cash.

PH:  But they had to have seen this coming?

TAP:  I think they just figured they’d take the risk.  They have to cash in on the name.

PH:  I don’t understand?

TAP:  Everybody on the planet knows Noah’s name.  So if they make a movie about him, people will in theory hand over cash because of name recognition.  This movie isn’t about religion, it’s about a guy named Noah.  They don’t care about his story.  They just want you in the door because you know his name.  After that, they could have Noah solving bank robberies for all Paramount cares.

PH:  Well, then certainly we’ve made the right choice by banning such a disgusting cash grab!

TAP:  No see, you’re wrong, by banning the movie you’ve undoubtedly ensured millions in the Islamic world will see this via an online hack site or something.  Since you’ve banned it, now they’ll have to see it.

PH:  There’s no way that’s true.

TAP:  It happens all the time.  You think anybody actually wanted to watch Passion of the Christ?  It’s just several hours of a decent guy getting the shit kicked out of him.  But then a bunch of you guys banned it and it got more press.

PH:  That was never our intention though.

TAP:  You need to learn from your mistakes, there’s going to be more films like this.

PH:  More?!  They must have mercy upon us.

TAP:  They won’t, any concept that has anything with a recognizable name is going to get packaged into a shitty film and shoved down your throat.  Religious characters, historical dude, the freaking zoo, anything.  They’ll shove out one with a Rubik’s Cube next year for sure.

PH:  You mean that colored square?

TAP:  Exactly.

PH:  Why would they do such an evil thing?  Why so quickly?

TAP:  They have to get the movie out there before they lose the name recognition.  In ten years nobody will know what a Rubik’s Cube is anymore because it’s not a smartphone application.

PH:  You’ve opened my eyes to a great evil but I find your assertion that the Rubik’s Cube movie is coming as dubious.

TAP:  How do you figure?

PH:  This is insane, what would the Cube do?

TAP:  I don’t know, fight Satan.

PH:  How is a Rubik’s Cube going to fight Satan?

TAP:  With, ah, with its mind.

PH:  …

TAP:  So like the cube will stump Satan because he can’t do math, and then he’ll surrender, and the Cube will walk away with the girl.

PH:  The Dark One’s enslaved the human race with hate and darkness for over five thousand years.  I’m pretty sure he can do complex math!

TAP:  Hey listen buddy, whose interview is this anyways?

PH:  Yes, yes, yours, publish your article!  Let your insanity widely disperse.  I stand by the ban.

TAP:  Article, yeah, so…

PH:  You represent the San Francisco Chronicle!  I agreed to this interview as such!

TAP:  Yeah, they’ve uh, they’ve got me on retainer.  I love Frisco.

PH:   …

TAP:  …

PH:  Do you have a card!?

TAP:  I have an Arcturan enforcer waiting for me outside in the parking lot.  He can’t go home until I do.

PH:  Can he fly me too? 

TAP:  Why?

PH:  I believe I have found an equitable solution to both our problems. 

TAP:  I’m listening.

In a shocking event the home of respected filmmaker Darren Aronofsky was found incinerated this morning.  His fate is unknown as police believe it will take weeks to search for his remains, should they exist inside.  Religious groups worldwide are acclaiming this as “God’s justice” for the “blasphemy” evident in his latest film Noah.  Studios worldwide are said to be considering a rethink of their plans for dozens of films “inspired by actual religions events”.

Now to our next story.  Police are hot on the case of a complaint from a local pirate themed bar of the “loud and disgusting” behavior of a trio of patrons (one dressed in an alien costume) who drank heavily, shouted at staff and other patrons, sang obnoxiously of their ‘victory’, punched a teenage waitress in the face, and rode the pirate mannequin out the door when threated with a police call.  The authorities are said to be investigating. 

NOAH

You know his name.  For the purposes of this film, his story is irrelevant.  Please relinquish your cash in an orderly manner.

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We only care because they told us to

I ask you friends, do you honestly care about the Oscar Pistorius trial?  I hope your answer’s no, because if it’s yes just please go away.  You’re not welcome here.

We all love drama right?  In the movies, television, and books?  But the best kind of drama is the one in real life.  Oh, how awesome is it!  And with the Pistorius trial we get the very best traits too!  We’ve got an international Olympic star with no legs.  An extremely attractive woman brutally shot.  Guns.  Screaming.  A guy with no legs.  An austere, little known (for the ignorant West) location in South Africa.  A beautiful girl.  Guns.  And a bathroom door.

If I was to set up a lawn chair inside a courtroom, eat popcorn, and cackle loudly like an asshole as people’s lives were destroyed, I’d be considered a horrible human being.  But our blessed media has made billions doing just that.  They then provide this experience to the popcorn eating masses so they can escape from their dreary lives by indulging in the misery of others.  Maybe we should just watch more sports instead.  At least in sports there’s a clear winner.

Hey friends, you do know that these people’s lives are completely obliterated right?  There is no winner from the Pistorius trial.  Everybody loses.  Her especially, but also him, South African society, the police, the courts, and so on.  In fact, pretty much everybody but the media is taking a shot in the face (pun intended).

Perhaps I’m just being my usual cheery self.  I mean, this is a long lasting human tradition.  I’m pretty sure when Caveman Steve bent in Caveman Al’s skull with a rock that the entire cave was gossiping about it for seven weeks as the tribal council determined what body part to take from Caveman Steve.  Still, we’re supposed to evolve right?

As a free thinking sentient human being you have no reason to care about Pistorius, Knox, or Caveman Steve.  The media only wants you to care so they can get your eyes and they can make a bunch of cash.  Just ignore it, you’re better off.

death

Yes, yes, please come listen to my delightful tale.