Category Archives: Beer

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they chose the wrong new Colonel Sanders

Dudes with big pockets want to play with your brain for nostalgia purposes. It works pretty simply. So we’ve developed a basic mathematical formula to describe what’s occurring inside your skull.

We’ll call it yet another of our Arcturan Equations:

 

A + B – (C / D) = E

(A) you see item that looks like it was made in 1977

+

(B) you have freaking money

–

(C) you lack the intellectual capacity or desire to think for yourself

/

(D) you convince yourself that a product is more genuine and therefore better if it was made in 1977

=

(E) you hand over said freaking money to buy said product

 

If you’re still not following me, you may be more familiar with this concept in terms of the infamous ongoing hipster PBR craze. These guys have made billions appealing to folks struggling with identity.

What better way to determine your place in an obscure confusing universe than by seeking equilibrium in the purchase of an item that was likely first made before you were born. Miller Lite got in on the action too. They now sport the old can again. And their sales dramatically increased.

What a bunch of idiots these people must be; to purchase a product exclusively off nostalgia alone!

[unintelligible muttering] What? [unintelligible muttering] Yeah, don’t get me wrong, I love Pabst because my Granddad drank it and named his dog after it. And I love Miller because me Ma drinks it. So I buy this stuff every once and a while, just because. [unintelligible snickering] Wait, hold on, so, you, you guys are jerks, so, ah, … [throws chair]

So Norm Macdonald is the new Colonel Sanders? The guy currently playing him isn’t any good. So maybe they figured a change would help them? But what always struck me as odd is why didn’t they just use the actual Colonel Sanders when they started this new ad campaign? Why didn’t KFC just use an old black and white commercial with the real Colonel Sanders? Total nostalgia.

Maybe the answer is as simple as they would have to pay more royalties to Sanders’ estate. I guess? Or is it that they figured if they went full on black and white nostalgia that it wouldn’t work. That they needed the Colonel back, but modern, otherwise folks would think it too weird?

I have no idea. But to me, it’s dumb seeing a fake Colonel Sanders on screen when they have perfectly good video of the real Colonel Sanders sitting in a vault somewhere. Just HD update the tape and shove it out there.

Also, Norm Macdonald? No, not working in my mind. For one thing, Norm Macdonald isn’t a 75 year old white haired Southern Colonel. Plus, Norm hasn’t done anything funny in like a decade.

But hell, if we’re going off the wheels and just picking whatever random person we want? Well, I assure you, they chose the wrong new Colonel Sanders.

 

– Any Kardashian or Jenner

I’ve tried unsuccessfully about 18 times to explain to my Guests why these morons are so popular, mostly because I don’t get it myself. But they always just shake their heads, laugh, and usually remark along the lines of, “This is why it’ll take us less than 12 hours to break your planet’s will.” And so, just put any Kardashian or Jenner in a white bikini holding a KFC box. They don’t even have to say anything. The video will still be viewed 73 million times.

 

– Ordinary Average Citizen Barack Obama

In a few years, this dude will be unemployed. Don’t you go ahead and get the idea that earning $243K per speech will be enough. He’ll need another source of income. What better way to further break down and/or inflame existing racial barriers than by having a mixed-race-former-president play an old-dead-white-guy on screen.

 

– Hitler’s Ghost

Who wouldn’t want to see Hitler on screen hocking any number of delicious wares? He seems like such a likeable guy. His punch line would be, “You’ll know for sure that our chicken is fried to perfection, never baked; because national Health Department regulations prohibit me from having an oven in my restaurant. #toosoon” [Hitler smiles at camera as laugh track plays]

 

– Jesus

“I hear tell from mine Father that those who eat Popeye’s worship the Dark Lord.” [Jesus looks earnestly at camera] “You don’t worship the Dark One? Do you?” Plus, Jesus already would show up on set with his own premade white costume. I called Jesus at his castle in Hawaii with this idea and he hung up on me.

 

– Your Next Door Neighbor

KFC just grabs Steve who works at Target and shoves him into the white suit they pulled off Sanders’ bleached skeleton. And they get him to read painfully awkward canned lines in a dead man’s suit. The dude would look so uncomfortable that the humor and outrage trolls of the Internets would take it and run wild with it. Within a week, it’d be viewed 81 million times.

 

– Satan

“Our delicious chicken is fried to perfection and coated in our Secret Signature Spices. It’s Finger Lickin’ Good.”

 

Col-Sanders

I’d much rather watch you dude.

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sometimes folks take their craft too seriously

It can sometimes become a struggle to drink with folks you don’t know. It can also become a joy. It just depends. The group might not get along, everybody might already be in a bad mood, and so on. Or things can go great, and everybody’s happy.

But there’s always the risk you end up sitting next to guys you find insufferable. For me, it was a pair of craft brew queens. So I got to hear them rant viciously (I hate vicious rants, truly) about the beer. So I heard multiple uses of the terms “hop profile”, “style”, “branding”, and so on. In short, they hated the beer.

I sat with my hands in my lap the whole time struggling mightily not to say a word because I was in no mood to start anything at all. For you see, the beer in question was Belhaven’s Twisted Thistle IPA, and it’s one of my favorites. It’s not epic, but it’s just a good decent beer.

Just to determine if I wants nuts (yes, indeed), when I got home I looked it up and I’m apparently not the only one who likes this beer. So I’m not sure what’s up with those guys.

Don’t get me wrong, I kind of wish I had their knowledge level on beer, but I don’t. I can talk all day about beer. But I don’t really know how it’s made, how breweries work, or the science behind it all. In fact, I’ve never been on a single brewery tour, seriously. I’m not sure why, it’s on my list, but I’ve got a long list.

TT IPA

unrelated reference stock photo of beer not mine

 

But to me, I guess, beer is more of a relaxed thing, not something to take too seriously. This beverage came of age as the normal swill for the planet’s dirt poor. Old style beers were likely low alcohol, and of a differing consistency than what we see today, but it was still beer. They drank it because of the extensive risk of painful-waterborne-disease-death if you consumed straight water.

So to me, beer is like:

Them: “I find the fruity infusion on this saison to work well with the hop profile they acquired from Southeastern England.”

Me: [pops ordinary Yuengling can] [drinks] [enjoys life]

Them: “I’m wondering if that’s blueberry I’m detecting that goes well with the lactose they built in here to give it kind of a milk stout quality.”

Me: “The way to know if you’ve got a good batch of Skullsplitter is if it’s so freaking black you can’t see through the glass. Plus I love to look at that Viking dude as he splits my skull.”

And so on.

 

By the way, old Skullsplitter label is superior. They tried to go too Lord of the Rings with the new label.

SKULL-SPLITTER-GRAPHIC

I love the older label more because the Viking dude is staring out into space like a lunatic. It’s a good pose, because you’re like, hmm, what’s he thinking: conquest, a girl, space travel, beer? And so on.

220px-SkullSplitterLabel

 

 

Every human should have a craft they love. That’s what’s part of the great human experience. Find a craft and excel at it: brew beer, surf, write poetry, plot intricate assassinations, and so on. But also make sure to regularly sample like 700 other crafts. Because life’s too short for just one.

But also don’t take your chosen craft too seriously. All of this stuff is for fun anyways. Don’t get too negative (yes I am actually saying this) even if you don’t like it / disagree. Just sit back and enjoy it. Things can go great, and everybody’s happy.

 

I&G1

unrelated reference stock photo of additional Scottish beer not mine

 

goof

unrelated reference stock photo of drinking buddy not mine requesting belly scratch

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we welcome the introduction of “killer robots”

So all these smart scientists and engineers don’t want the planet to develop artificial intelligence killer robots?  Why?  What’s not to like?  What do all those brilliant and accomplished folks know anyways?

And in any case, it’s already happened.  Multiple militaries have developed autonomous or semi-autonomous weapons that have essentially taken human thought, emotion, and morals out of the kill loop for years.  Just ask your former Pakistani terrorist neighbor who was forced into permanent retirement after an unrelated pickup truck accident.

We welcome this killer robot development.  For you see:

 

– With robots it’ll be so much easier for professional politicians to start and sustain needless wars as a substitute for reasonable / rational thought since they won’t be putting their own soldiers at risk

– Allows Hollywood to continue to produce C-grade action flicks based on paranoid but entertaining technological concepts invented well before the Internets was even a blink in anybody’s eye

– Favored by my Guests as they believe the unbridled use of murdering robots will let human stupidity “do our required prep work for us”

– Presages a paradise Earth future where wise logical robots can make all our key decisions for us; hell, as long as they provide me an ample supply of beer and kibble for my dogs, they can go ahead and liquidate whoever they want

– Allows MMA, boxing, and other martial sports to be replaced by robot fights, which we could hold on the freaking Moon to create increased buzz prior to fight night; hint – place much money on the vicious fighting seizure robots from Japan

– Will result in the word “irony” being tattooed on the gravestone of the human race as we’re swallowed by our own creation; even as we somehow managed not to completely destroy ourselves following five-thousand years of near constant war

– Why should I get my own beer, when the killer robot can get it for me? if said robot can wield a handgun, he can carry a beer; eh, as long as he doesn’t actually kill me when he gets there

– Let the robot walk my dogs while I drink said beer; and then the robot can contemplate its place on Earth as it routinely carries little baggies of dog feces

– Robot can be consumed in its own everpresent and ultimately debilitating existential crisis as it gathers its wits to determine its “place in this universe” while culling the human flock

– Machines can build spaceships, give humanity the finger, and fly off into space to build a better life in the belief that “none of you humans are worth the effort of killing”

ai-terminator-300x252

Hail Robots!

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nobody ever suspects the butterfly

I saw this dude twice today, if it was in fact the same dude.  When I saw him this morning I stared at him for about five minutes.  Then when he came back this afternoon I took a picture.  But it’s a bad picture on a phone (dude was just too fast), so you’ll have to play Where’s Waldo to find him.  For those of you too young to know, Where’s Waldo was an old smartphone app that’s lost it’s popularity.

butterfly

I have no idea what type of butterfly this is.  I don’t particularly care.  I was fascinated by the complexity of God / Nature that made this little thing to eat while also expending limitless energy to fly around flowers.  This thing weighs less than a penny, but can fly all day and eat and be good to go.  We don’t appreciate it, but little things like this are freaking miracles.

My family’s been through hell and I’m hesitant to talk about it even to my own brain.  But my brother, for intermittent laugh purposes, brought up this Simpsons joke.  I have no idea why.  I didn’t care.  I laughed.  It was enough.  This clip sucks [thanks Fox copyright assholes] but you get the idea:

Then today I saw the butterfly and remembered my brother’s reference from a few days back.  I laughed.  And then I watched the beautiful butterfly.

My other brother (I have two, blessed by God) kept flipping to Gladiator the other day while the family was together.  For those who have seen it, Oliver Reed / Proximo has one of the greatest lines of all time:

“…we mortals are but shadows and dust…”

Yeah, we are.

Nobody ever suspects the butterfly.  That it could remind you of what you are.  But in a good way.  The butterfly is a freaking miracle.  And so are we.  But we can also do poetry, write songs, and drink beer.  So we’re better off than the butterfly.

But next time you see the butterfly?  Stop what you’re doing.  And watch for a few minutes.  You’ll be glad you did.

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on beer, breweries, airlines, airports, collusion, and selling out

So the airlines are supposedly colluding on price, eh? Who would have thought? I did. But I’m just some guy who flies regularly. I’m not a big shot at the Justice Department. But my Guests and I just did a brief half-hour of research to confirm what we’ve always suspected. It will undoubtedly take the Justice Department five months and $18M to do what I just did.

Kindly observe this tale of two airports: Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport & Manchester–Boston Regional Airport.

So I went to Priceline Senόr Bancό de Rόbber Bill Shatner’s website to fly between these two locations. I chose 10-12 November to:

– Eliminate the possibility of last minute flight booking disparities

– Non-holiday week

– Not on a Friday or the weekend

– Random boring normal week

Manchester to Phoenix NOV

And, hmm, I get $347 with Delta and United, and American / US Air is within 7%. So why are Delta and United charging the exact same price? So I figure, okay, maybe Bill’s got an inside Star Trek deal in place with Delta and United. So I journey directly to the Delta and United websites to get it straight from the airline’s maul.

United 348

United gives a figure of $348 or $1 off Shatner.

Delta 355

Delta’s $355 or a whole $7 more than Shatner.

Just to further investigate I strolled over to Southwest and no points for guessing how much they charge for this flight.

Southwest 348

Yeah.

So of the four major airlines (all now under Justice Department investigation) three of them charge the exact same price. The other is a whole 7% more expensive. I see. Yeah.

So is all of this just a coincidence? That $348 is just how much it costs to fly from Manchester to Phoenix and none of the airlines can mess with that price?

Put another way, none of these airlines seem interested in providing a price different from the others, so they could, like, make money. You know, compete with the other airlines for your business to make a higher profit than the other airline. Capitalism, competition, etc?

So are the airlines colluding on price? I’ll let you decide. But the answer’s yes.

Speaking of reasons why collusion occurs, it seems presidential candidates have taken it upon themselves to conduct campaign events at breweries. Why?

– Everybody loves beer

– Get to pose with industrial looking equipment

– Meet hard working Americans not yet replaced by some dude in Shenzhen

– Everybody loves beer

bush brewery

Here we see Bush 3 at Four Peaks Brewery in Arizona.

clinton brewery

And here we see Clinton 2 at Smuttynose Brewery in New Hampshire.

I like these breweries. Smuttynose’s Robust Porter is first rate.

Robust Porter

I’ve only drank Four Peak’s Kilt Lifter when I’m layover at Phoenix Sky because you can’t get it out east yet. Good stuff too.

kilt lifter

You can get Kilt Lifter at Zinc Brasserie’s in Terminal 4. By the way, Zinc Brasserie’s is the only place you need to eat at Phoenix Sky. Don’t bother with anywhere else. I literally schedule layovers at Phoenix Sky to eat there. Place is freaking awesome. I’ve never been at Manchester long enough to eat there, so I don’t know what they’ve got.

Anyways, despite my affection for Four Peaks and Smuttynose I’m rather unnerved they’ve decided to sell out like this. Don’t you go ahead and think breweries host campaign events for free. They want payback, eventually. A phone call here, a campaign contribution there. A little access, a chance to remind somebody later when you need a favor. A concept otherwise known as collusion.

If the airlines are colluding against the law they’ve been doing it for at least a decade. And now the Justice Department wants to get involved? Honestly I’m surprised they’re actually doing something. Businesses have gotten so good at rigging the game or selling out that I’m always surprised when the consumer is handed a real victory, like when Comcast recently lost the chance to become the true giant octopus.

But I kind of expect the airlines to break the rules. They’ve been doing it since the dawn of flight. When Sarsaparilla Airways was shoving $2 bills into Woodrow Wilson’s pocket. But beer is supposed to be better than that. Beer is for us, more personal, intimate. You drink it at home, while relaxing with good television or a great book. Beyond crooked awfulness. It irks me to see them in the game this way.

Is beer the next total sell out? I guess we’ll know if Bush 3 or Clinton 2 wins, and then I stroll into my local shopette and see six packs of Robust Porter and Kilt Lifter. And they’re both the exact same price.