Author Archives: gentlebenno

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Arcturus News Muster – 05 August 2014

Every day we get together in our hovel and produce the finest and most professional news product this side of the Crab Nebula. There are two smart things you should do with this breathtaking creation:

a) Don’t read it; never visit this site again

b) Read it; enjoy yourself

Accomplish both (a) and (b) simultaneously and as a reward my guests will demonstrate upon your brain their version of the mind meld. Warning, unless you desire to spend the majority of a full weekend screaming, I’d advise you to defer this award. Instead, I’ll just buy you a case of beer.

1) Arrest of Canadian couple illustrates consequences of lunacy

The Arcturus Project News

Chinese police officials are deeply concerned by the circumstances of their recent detainment of a Canadian couple suspected of espionage. Kevin and Julia Garratt ran a coffee shop in Dandong, located at the main border crossing with North Korea. The official provincial charging document called their establishment, Peter’s Coffee House, a “running-dog-imperialist-haven of the evil, corrupt, & degenerate West”.

Yet a senior Dandong police official, whose identity we cannot divulge as he was not authorized to speak with the media, expressed caution, “Nothing about this makes sense. Until we know all the facts, we’re treating this with latex beating gloves. Either these two individuals are the dumbest people on the planet, or they’re so damned good at spy craft they make James Bond look like a teenage heroin addict.”

Undaunted by criticism, China’s Foreign Ministry stated the Canadians were “suspected of collecting and stealing intelligence… related to Chinese military targets and important Chinese national defense science research programs”. When asked by reporters how a humble Canadian coffee shop couple could have access to, let alone engage in the theft of such information, a Foreign Ministry spokesman eloquently & methodically responded, “shut your fucking mouth!”

“I just can’t understand how this came about,” said Captain Hindsight of the International Institute for Strategic Studies, “I can think of about a billion places that are safer to conduct your business than the border of freaking North Korea and China. It’s probably safer to set up a liquor stand right next to that al-Baghdadi Caliph guy’s gilded palace”.

The Canadian Embassy in Beijing issued a strongly worded statement, indicative of a country that honored its values and obligation to its citizens, that it stood “ready to provide assistance as required”. Canadian officials are said to be weighing whether it would be considered inappropriate to Chinese officials if Ottawa offered assistance to comp the couple’s solitary confinement costs as a means to increase the possibility that China might purchase additional tar sands oil.

Back in Dandong, the anonymous police official struggled to predict the outcome of the situation, “If they can round up these folks there’s no limit to who they can arrest. On the other hand,” he hesitated, “sometimes you’re such a lunatic, you’re just asking for bad things to happen to you.”

05AUG 1

2) Hack director urinates upon entire generation in order to make his name

The Arcturus Project News

Oscar winds already surround the much anticipated and heralded upcoming World War II film Fury by unknown writer and director David Ayer. Starring leading metrosexual and unemployed housewife phenomenon Brad Pitt the movie intends to show the closing days of the war in a “relentlessly authentic portrayal”.

“What I’m really looking for here is moral equivalency”, said Ayer, “I want to show Americans murdering civilians, executing prisoners, drunk, and generally behaving like a bunch of assholes. Only by portraying them in such a shocking, disgusting way can I stand out and make my name touch upon the tongues of all of Hollywood’s leading power brokers. Because this is how they really want to remember that war anyways.”

Ayer built upon his extensive and relevant combat experience as a sonar operator on a Cold War attack submarine to guide his writing of ordinary men forced to make hard decisions during history’s deadliest war. “When I was in that steel tube, hitting on my bunk mate, eating ice cream and watching movies after watch, I think I really got a good idea of what it was like to stare down the barrel of a Panther’s 88mm gun.”

Fury is grounded in intricate detail, Ayer ensured that all the film’s supporting aspects in camouflage, weapons, and equipment were accurate to the greatest extent possible. A concept found ironic by Tom Brokaw, author of The Greatest Generation, “I spoke to Ayer, know his work, I just don’t understand a movie where you get the uniform pattern right but miss the overall point of the entire war. Remember, they were fighting a hardened enemy that glorified the SS. It was a long, brutal war, up close and personal,” he added. “A number of veterans I interviewed alluded to behavior they weren’t proud of, but neither did they apologize.”

Yet Ayer remained undeterred. “I think it’s really important to show, on screen, a patriotic American brutally murdering an unarmed man. It’s karma. It shows us all how we really are. I want to live in a world where we’re all honest about how we’re all the same. Plus, I want to make a shit ton of cash too, which mandates that I provide as much shock value as possible. It’s like I’m making a horror movie. Every additional chainsaw kill scene I include increases the budget value of the film by $7M.”

Sony officials were deeply concerned that the film might not debut on schedule, however. “We’ve received a number of random threats from unknown individuals”, said one Sony marketing manager, “federal officials are investigating.”

It took TAP News twelve minutes to find one Melvin Anderson of Columbus, Ohio, a 93 year old retired accountant, who offered this brief statement: “Yeah, I threatened his life, I told him if he wanted a demonstration of authentic knife skills, I still had it in me. Or, I can still get behind the turret and ride again. One last time for justice, truth, and honor. I could break him in half with the coaxial gun. It’d be one last kill in the name of glory. Then I can go home in peace.”

05AUG 2

3) French defense contractor STX France to sell surveillance kit to child molesters

The Arcturus Project News

In response to recent announcements that France will not suspend the sale of two Mistral class amphibious assault ships to Russia, and its recent decision to bottom line a contract to sell drones to NAMBLA, The Arcturus Project News sat down with Saint-Nazaire STX France union delegate Christophe Morel for a brief discussion.

The Arcturus Project News: Monsieur Morel thanks for agreeing to speak with us.

M Morel: My pleasure.

TAP: So, let’s go ahead and start with your pro-child airways murder agenda…

MM: [chuckles] I was warned about you, that’s not who we are, we’re in favor of free trade, the middle class, and good hard working jobs.

TAP: And child murder.

MM: [chuckles] That has nothing to do with us, we just make ships here.

TAP: For Vladimir Putin.

MM: For the Russian Navy, the Russian people, and in fact, nothing about these ships has anything do with Ukraine or the Malaysian airliner. The Russian Fleet intends to base them in the Pacific.

TAP: Where they’ll never be able to drive to the Black Sea. Ever. 

MM: We have their word.

TAP: I see.

MM: What’s your problem?

TAP: We have many. Which one are you specifically referring to?

MM: Britain gets rich off Russian bankers and German machine tool makers love the Moscow market, but you pick on us?

TAP:  You’re selling warships to a brutal aggressive dictator. The banker thing isn’t quite the best idea, but you’re off the edge. It’s like providing flamethrowers to the SS.

MM: That’s ridiculous. President Putin’s body count is nowhere near as high at Hitler’s.

TAP: …

MM: Something like 8,000 people make a living off this deal. They have families. What would you say to them?

TAP: Sorry, you can’t butter your bread with cash you got from Satan’s acolyte.

MM: That’s not good enough!

TAP: Why not?

MM: They’re not even warships, they’re like big ferries. They only have a few weapons onboard.

TAP: They introduce mechanized Russian Marine brigades ashore onto hostile shores.

MM: Exactly! So you see, this has nothing to do with Ukraine. Russia is not attacking Ukraine’s shores. And a ship didn’t shoot down the Malaysian airliner.

TAP: You’re just as delusional and foolish as your forefathers who supported Vichy.

MM: You pig! What would you have us do, we need jobs!

TAP: Don’t sell kit to evil.

MM: [hysterical laughter] Don’t you understand how the world works? We need to eat, we don’t give a fuck about Ukraine or the airliner. If it comes between my rich union job, and all of Eastern Europe? Let Putin nuke them all! I need work.

TAP: Then what about the news that you’re selling the video equipment and drones to pedophiles?

MM: Jobs are jobs you dick. Pedophiles need drones to track small vulnerable children. We need jobs. It’s win, win.

TAP: The breadth of your evil is instructional.

MM: Everybody’s got a price. Mine was $1B per warship. You have one too! I assure you.

TAP: Not a chance.

MM: Oh yeah, how about it? We checked up on you. We want your guests to put some of their advanced weaponry on the first ship. Then we can jack up the Russian price to $2B. You take a cut. Name that cut.

TAP: Not interested.

MM: You don’t care about Ukraine either…

TAP: Not true…

MM: What do you even do for a living? You’re just a shitty blog author. It’s time to get into the real games of life, fool. Time to make your mark and stop ranting in textual form to a bunch of folks you don’t even know.

TAP: …

MM: …

The Arcturus Project News is pleased to announce the creation of The Arcturus Project Shipbuilding. In collaboration with STX France the company will focus upon advanced shipboard weaponry. The newly designed “Arc Matrix” technology will allow the owner of the new Mistral ship (whoever that might be) to concentrate his or her enemies in a specific location where they can be controlled, counted, and things can be done to them in an efficient, orderly, and cost effective manner. Union delegates from STX France are thrilled and will join The Arcturus Project Shipbuilding in a celebratory mind meld bash at an undisclosed location in the Sahara desert. Said STX France union delegate Morel, “We’re so excited to celebrate this new collaborative venture. We can’t wait to see what this party has in store for us!”

05AUG 3

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-china-28654125

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/03/movies/fury-starring-brad-pitt-a-raw-look-at-warfare.html?_r=0

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/07/22/world/europe/a-french-port-welcomes-an-intervention-by-russias-military.html?_r=0

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I want to live in a world where this love story is a rounding error

Every once and a while you need a break. Right now we’re doing an awfully decent job of detonating the human race. So let’s take some time off and enjoy a good love story. Because sometimes you need to not think about skeletons. And instead consider the joys of two present non-skeletons embracing in love.

Don’t get it from me, idiocy is an understatement here, get it straight from the source:

http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-28568701

Now given the sunken trench wreckage that is my first marriage, I’d say your best bet is to not listen to a word I’m about to say. Yet even though it’s coming from my mouth, you cannot deny these folks are running a relationship across race, ethnic, class boundaries. But I suspect they rather just think of themselves as two people.

We’d all better hope we’re walking down a path where this thing is more and not less common. While folks are getting married less in general, they’re also increasingly not crossing these boundaries when they do. The Mad Men days of dudes marrying their deputy executive administrative assistants are long gone. I think if you graduated from university, you’re like 856% more likely to marry a fellow college graduate than you were in 1965.

So if you are not in favor of something like The Hunger Games where society is permanently divided between two camps of crushed humanity, it’s time to cheer not just for these two kids, but any other time you see something this awesome occur.  They met while he was washing the freaking family car!  It’s just great.  Regardless of your deity of choice, they’re smiling at this one.  Unless you worship Satan, who is likely frowning, and in which case send me your contact info because my guests want to speak with you.

So here’s hoping by 2090 that the novelty of this story is as ancient as copper spear kills. That by then, nobody cares because this stuff is as common as air. That it’s just a rounding error on the delicious human ride. As the best quote in the article testifies:

“Why should it be headline news? We are all human beings.”

Indeed.

_76653346_patelandtimothy2

Now they’ll have the delightful opportunity to be just as miserable as the rest of us

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Some people are larger than life

Think you’re having a bad day? Trust me, you’re not. Try donning your armor and charging against ebola.

I know the world’s been a little busy lately. But in case you didn’t know, a full blown ebola outbreak is in progress.

By the way, why do folks capitalize the word ebola? Like we have to name it, like its Steve or Othman. I refuse. Who decided it deserved to have capitalization? This virus can kiss my ass. Sooner or later we’ll find a way to brutally destroy it. So why should we give in to its unreasonable demands that we make its first letter big?

Doctor Sheik Umar Khan led Sierra Leone’s ebola response. He died at the front. Battling this evil. He was 39 years old.

You can read his profile here:

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-africa-28560507

Some people are larger than life. Not everybody gets that call. That chance to battle on behalf of all humanity by doing the very simplest of noble deeds. We all wonder how we’d act if we got that call. Are we cowards? Would we fail? If faced with death or disgrace, what would we do?

Doctor Khan answered the call and did what great men do. It’s rather awful that he’s gone and that he had to die like that. I wouldn’t wish an ebola death on even history’s greatest monsters.

But if you have to check out, this is one of the ways to do it. On the line, in danger, helping your brothers and sisters to the end.

Say a prayer for Doctor Sheik Umar Khan. And let him inspire something good in your life today.

_76625302_dr_khan

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I suppose, by the law, I should be in handcuffs

Just about every third show on television features a cop. Unfortunately, what the police actually do in today’s country isn’t reflected in entertainment. In case anybody hasn’t paid attention, the cop of the old days, the crime fighter and community servant no longer exists. Instead, your local beat walker is now just an enforcer.

I cannot make this distinction enough. There’s a difference between a cop and an enforcer.

A police officer is a guy or gal who protects you, your friends, and your family. They serve you.

An enforcer is a bureaucratic creature that protects and serves the law. Not you.

Now you probably think that the law serves and protects you. So if the police serve and protect the law, they’re doing the same for you. This used to be the way it was. It no longer is.

I want you to look around for a moment. Then realize that right now, this very second, you’re a criminal. There is at least one, if not several laws you are currently breaking. You don’t know what they are. You likely aren’t doing anything wrong. But you’re still breaking the law.

It used to be, and those not in touch with reality still claim, that ignorance of the law is not an excuse. This is literally no longer possible when the law is so widespread and convoluted that even the wisest minds in the legal profession cannot agree on what it says. Every single person in today’s America is ignorant of at least some, if not a substantial portion of the modern legal code.

And added to this problem is that we now ask an increasingly numerous and empowered enforcement arm to implement this law book. Once upon a time your local beat cop made sure you weren’t murdered or robbed. Now a deputy-assistant-agent-investigator from your state’s department of labor is after you for violating section 4.b.#.1 of the legal code.

Since the government needs your obedience to such a wide variety of laws, the government makes sure its enforcers are commanding said obedience. Your local police officer is in service to get the law obeyed. You’re not the objective anymore. The law is.

Add added to this problem is a completely risk adverse culture where folks are unsatisfied, outraged, and demand action at the simplest of deliberate or accidental mistakes. You can’t even say anything that offends somebody without being accused of making love to Stalin’s ghost.

In a world where it’s considered a fatal mistake to even say something wrong, you can only imagine the fury of the laws we’ve written to prevent actual actions that result in errors. Common sense and learning from our mistakes has given way to punishment, justice, and the brutality of hindsight.

And so a law book twelve feet thick, with a government that still demands you know & obey it all, enforced by enforcers who are empowered and demanded to enforce it all, and guided by a society that does not tolerate risk or mistakes. Well, here we are folks.

This is how battle armored attack teams end up kicking down doors to point machine pistols at illegal flower growers. Or why ten year old girls are handcuffed for acting like ten olds. Or why unarmed citizens are shot dead by police for crimes worthy of a fifty dollar citation. Or why there are twice as many Americans behind bars than serve in the military.

Think you’re free? You’re not. You’re just lucky. Lucky that you haven’t been arrested for violating one of the many laws you’re currently breaking. Lucky that your number hasn’t come up.

It might be your time eventually, your turn in the enforcer’s meat grinder. But until your day comes, maybe you can ignore the problem? Just about everybody else does. So why not you?

All of this has been on my brain lately. But then an incident happened that reinforced this mindset. So why do I belong behind bars? Because I drove ten minutes without my driver’s license. My driving record is impeccable. I have a license. I just didn’t have it on me.

I was at a blissful family event. I was completely unplugged. I intentionally brought neither my keys, cell phone, nor wallet. Later on, I volunteered to drive home given the inebriation of the car’s five occupants. I had three beers over three hours in me, so I put my paw up.

Only as I was getting behind the wheel did I remember I didn’t have my wallet. My options at that point, I guess, were to call us a cab, hand the keys to an intoxicated individual, or hang out for five hours until somebody with a physical license was sober.

Instead, with the above thoughts in my mind, I said fuck it. I knew what I was doing. I did it anyways. I drove us all home. I decided I was not in the wrong. The law says I was wrong. But I say I was in the right by the laws of what’s good with all humanity.

In the old days (maybe as recent as fifteen years ago), if I’d been pulled over under these circumstances, and explained the situation to the cop? Maybe I’m wrong, but I’d hope he’d have looked at me, checked his computer, used his best judgment, and sent me on my way with a wag of his finger.

I think today the enforcer, without the training, authority, or desire to use judgment would have arrested me, impounded the car, I’d have been fired from at least one of my jobs, lost my license, paid thousands in fines, and so on.

How would society have benefitted from this negative outcome?

What does the culture lose with handling it the old fashioned way?

Maybe you think my original argument and/or the circumstances of this situation are wrong. That I’m just a bad person. Or made a dumb decision. Maybe. If you do, I completely understand. But I use this as an illustration of what I think is so very wrong with where our society has gone.

Agree or disagree with me. I don’t care. Just promise me you’ll think about this.

All of this is happening around us. You’re either good with it or you’re not. I’m not. But for now, as long as you’re thinking about this. Even if we disagree, we’re good.

enforcers

I say, “To protect and serve” no longer exists

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Let’s offend the sports media by putting them all in a trash compactor

One of the painful joys of 24 hour death ray media is 24 hour sports media. In comparison to the rest of the universe, sports are fairly simple. So eventually they run out of shit to talk about. So what do they do? They essentially make shit up. They get offended at each other, and then spend a great deal of time talking about how they’re offended.

Are you offended? Huh? Who the fuck are you? They’re offended. You don’t matter. You’re not a brilliant journalist like them. Your purpose is to sit there and watch them talking about how offended they are. Independent thought is not required. Just keep eating, watch their wisdom, and shovel your cash in their direction.

So Tony Dungy and Jerry Jones and Stephen A said things considered offensive to the sports media. And since the sports media has had their righteousness assaulted? They get to talk about it. All day. Apologies are demanded, justice is on the horizon, and, wait, no, wait none of that happens.

They just need controversy. They need a cause. What are sports? Uh, well, I guess it’s talking about how a fellow sports broadcaster talked about something. So you talk some about that. How you’re offended. So you talk about that. Lots of talking.

I’ve just consulted my Arcturan dictionary. The definition of stupidity is apparently an internal media dialogue where a sports journalist gets offended by something another sports journalist said. According to the dictionary it is, “the most senseless and worthless of human acts since the invention of disposable robot giraffes”.

So let’s go ahead and put these guys & gals inside the trash compactor from Star Wars. Together. While they’re bitching about their situation, screaming at each other about how offended they are with their situation, the rest of us can get back to watching the game. And eventually, via the trash compactor’s ability to effectively implement the laws of physics, the problem will take care of itself.

Smith1218a

If asked to define his occupation during the Apocalypse Judgment, what would he write down?

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Everything’s going really well

I think you can put this last week down in the win column. Things have been a little rough, but who doesn’t hit a few bumps on their road to a happy destination. And when you run into trouble, at least you’ve got the opportunity to learn from your experiences, right?

I mean, think of all the things humanity has learned this week by experiencing:

– The desire for mass genocide by both sides in a neverending conflict

– The desire for mass genocide by one side in a newish neverending conflict

– Multiple major & minor airplane crashes

– The biological possibility of canine ruptured anal glands

– At least one botched and quite a few unbotched executions

– Satan shows up at the Luxor and wins six-figures on his first slot pull

– Continued political gridlock among leaders unfit to govern their pets

– Mosquitos

– The presence of a localized World War III conflict sans nukes

– Everything and anything associated with Fifty Shades of Grey

– The courts, judges, lawyers, and those who believe they deserve to steal our oxygen

Well, I actually feel pretty good though. Why? Well, it’s hard sometimes to think that we’re not under the guidance of some divine figure. Sometimes you get exactly what you need. So within this mindset, and knowing nothing about the plot beforehand, I watched Red Beard for the first time. Think we’re all fucked up? Beyond hope? Watch Red Beard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsLQWwfPYsk

Mifune does not give up. Neither should you.

okey dokey

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This isn’t going to change anything

The world’s rightly outraged. Politicians not normally given to drama are actually talking like real people. And so comprehensive, relevant action is on the horizon. Finally folks are going to get serious about confronting evil’s reality. Clearly an incident with so much death is enough to push policies over the edge and into righteous deeds.

Well, no, sorry. This crisis alters nothing. I’ve thought a lot about this the last few days. Nothing’s going to change because nothing about this shootdown revises the broader cultural, political, and practical factors that have guided this conflict from the beginning.

When Europe’s spent an eon walking down the self-aware path of military and political weakness, don’t expect them to be able to turn on a dime. Whether they’ll admit it or not, the average Dutch citizen cares more about their heating bill than their countrymen blown out of the sky.

Plus, they’re facing Vlad. You think one lost Malaysian airplane is going to stop him? Only a Makarov to the back of the head stops Vlad. He’ll find a way out of this. He always does.

So the solution is to still go for the long run, reference our previous Russia post. Short term changes remain unfeasible.

I know this is a horribly cynical way of looking at it. I hope I’m wrong. But I’m probably not.

mh17

Yet again, one gun toting thug, is more relevant to the outcome of a crisis than all the leaders of Europe combined

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We support vicious teenage bar fights

Have you ever seen a movie of a future where the humans are enslaved or are otherwise some form of automaton drooling slug? It’s going to happen. Or is it? Yes.

Now most of you (none of you) are probably wondering what I think of the People’s Republic of Donetsk Air Defense Corps’ inability to read internationally recognized aviation identification codes. Well, to be honest, I don’t have it in me today. Maybe next week. I guess. Just say a prayer for everybody. Even the missile guy who pulled the trigger. Everybody. That’s enough for now.

So last week The Economist ran a long piece on why young folks aren’t the disaster society claims they are:

http://www.economist.com/news/briefing/21606795-todays-young-people-are-held-be-alienated-unhappy-violent-failures-they-are-proving

They reference trends that show drug & alcohol use, sex, and violent crime are beginning to decline among the Western world’s youth population. These are clearly encouraging changes. So why is this happening?

The Economist roughly sites:

– Increasingly aggressive enforcement by the enforcers

(because the enforcers love to enforce the rules upon your soul)

– The increasing average age of population as a whole

(we’re having fewer kids than pandas)

– Rising education levels that make teens less likely to act like fools

(although the overall value of said education is in question)

– High pressure by society for kids to perform

(because it’s important to know lots of math so you can forget it later)

– More supervision by parents

(even though the parents didn’t have their own lives wired when they were young)

– And a whole slew of other factors which may or may not be important

(randomness can fog an article, just ask this blog’s author)

Kids can’t expect to have the time & money to burn on fun when they’re six-figures into debt before their 23rd birthday. When you’re just short of your 24th birthday, and you discover you’re again living with your parents, it’s harder to bring that person home for the night. How are you to overturn a flaming trashcan on Main Street when you’re trapped with Call of Duty or Instagram in your parents’ creepy basement (because they turned your old room into a Memorial to Satan)?

The Economist states:

For much of the 20th century, children were largely ignored and allowed to roam free. If they acted up, they were typically punished with violence. Now, however, parents are expected to be intimately involved in their children’s lives, says Ms Gardner. They supervise homework; attend parents’ evenings; go to prenatal and parenting classes; read blockbusters about child psychology.

How far have we gone in the other direction? In 1930 you probably had your 11 year old working in a sweatshop. After hours, they’d go screw off somewhere with their friends and the parents didn’t have a clue. Yet somehow the universe didn’t collapse. Go figure.

Now in Connecticut, if you leave your 11 year old alone in a lukewarm car, you get arrested and charged by asinine bureaucrats that rule our lives even though they’re all too stupid to run a newspaper stand:

http://www.wfsb.com/story/25982048/bristol-mother-charged-with-leaving-child-unattended-in-car

This brings me to the core of why I have a problem with all this. From the article, I’ll let the Leeds barkeep lead off with his view:

“Kids these days just want to live in their fucking own little worlds in their bedrooms watching Netflix and becoming obese,”

Even The Economist, that ends its article with the optimistic line, “They want to build something better.” is forced to admit the serious drawbacks of our newly well-ordered adolescence:

What this adds up to is a generation that is more closely watched and less free to screw up. So perhaps it is unsurprising that better behaviour has not, as yet, translated into greater happiness. For all their disavowal of inebriation and criminality, young people are still proving more likely to be diagnosed with depression and anxiety. They are often obsessed with their careers—and rarely satisfied. Young people repeatedly report less job satisfaction than their parents or grandparents.

In other words today’s youth are better behaved but depressed and feel worthless. Gee, doesn’t this sound fun! Aren’t we all so glad that we’re gallantly obeying the rules?

Their lives are completely controlled, by society, by the law, by their parents, but most importantly by their own brains. This is not a mindset that encourages creative thought, ambition, risk-taking, open brains, or all the other crucial things that make humanity special and enable our joy.

We’re raising a generation of compliant, faceless, joyless machines. To me, better a pot-smoking-hippie-douche than an internet-obsessed-sober-student-indebted-introvert. At least the hippie is outdoors and (in theory) believes in something.

I’ve got a better idea. How about we let a dozen teenagers roll off to a bar to drink (illegal), after the government mandated curfew (illegal), they blow ton of money on booze (unwise), they hook up with abandon (unhealthy), get belligerent with fellow bar patrons (unwise), and close out the night with a vicious teenage bar brawl (illegal).

Why do I advocate this? For two reasons:

1) Because after this one night there’s no disputing that those teenagers are alive. Truly hopping in mind, spirit, and body.

2) Because I guarantee you those teenagers will have learned more about themselves, each other, and life in that one night than all the required educational moments the culture imposes upon them. Even if every single lesson was learned the hard way? So be it.

So here’s to drugs, alcohol, sex, petty crime, and other nonsense teenage behavior. Because ultimately, we’ll all be a lot happier and prosperous that way. The alternative is a future room full of joyless ants, under the warm gaze & tireless orders of Grand-Parade-Ground-Major Obey.

Your choice.

bar fights

Keep swinging, pot’s in the corner, the girls & boys are all watching while thinking about sex, have another round on the house, feel alive, be happy.

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Don’t eat at Il Giardino, it’s the place to avoid

Yet again some loser has used the courts to crush free speech. Instead of, you know, improving their product and/or service. It’ll happen to you soon enough, because it would seem the courts no longer defend liberty, they assault it.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-28331598

I’ve never eaten at this restaurant, but I can tell you based upon their immoral behavior, that they suck. You should never eat there.

I stand by the title and content of this blog post. Sue me, assholes.

JACKBOOT

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We need things to get less complicated

Remember what it was like when people called it “a cool summer day” instead of “a nonstandard summer polar vortex”? You do? Did you like that? Well fuck you. Because asking for things to be simple is now impossible.

We’re just so awesome, civilized, and advanced. We’re going to make everything as complex as possible. You’re not even going to be able to shower without consulting technology, the advice of others, or some type of drug fueled corporate construct. In fact, it’s not even called a shower anymore. You don’t say “I had a good shower this morning”. Now you say something like, “I had a medium-hot-extra-sensitive-lather-good-water this morning”. Oh, cool, that sounds extreme. What the hell is wrong with you?

Who was the comedian that had the rant about coffee, like years ago? I can’t remember. But essentially his point is that you can’t just walk in and order coffee anymore. It now takes an 11 step ordering process. Now we have this experience anywhere, with anything. Depending on where you are it might take 13 specific instructions just to get a burger made.

Everything is specialized now. I suppose because we can. In the negative sense, all our intellectual & cultural energy isn’t spent on figuring out how we’ll go to freaking Mars. Or some other kind of remarkable step for all mankind. Instead, we’re focused on getting that next ultra-specific hair conditioner right. So it makes sense I guess that if you walked up to your local shopkeep and asked him for “a six pack of his beer”, he’d likely kick you out for being on meth.

So all this is cool, right? We want to understand the weather’s nuances, how our planet’s complex functions work. We don’t just say “it’s cooler out” because we have a deeper appreciation of our weather than we used too. And who doesn’t like to have about 100 specialized beers to choose from if lots of them are tasty? And maybe after that 13 step process the burger tastes damn good.

Well, I guess my problem with all of that is I think we get lost in the details.

Why is it thirty degrees cooler than it should be today? Who the fuck cares. How about you just enjoy the day.

How would you like your coffee today, pig? Asshole, just give me a cup of your finest coffee. I don’t care what it is.

Barkeep, I’ll have the simplest beer imaginable. Because it’s just a freaking beer. Oh, you call it “dishwater”? Fuck you.

What’s the horsepower and wi-fi capabilities of the car you drive? Uh, well, you see, I use it to get to work. So like, it has four wheels and an engine. And I think a steering wheel too.

What accent color and fabric texture is your couch, bro? Well, I sit on it with my dogs. It has cushions. It’s neat.

When life becomes this complicated, when everything’s this detailed, it distracts us from the joy that comes from life’s simple good things. Don’t make things more than they are. Grab a cup of coffee and walk to work in the unseasonably cool weather. Don’t ask yourself the details on any of this. Just walk, sip, look around, and enjoy.

summer-polar-vortex

It’s just the weather, we’re not curing cancer, calm down