al-Baghdadi administration unlikely to regain original spark


“In the beginning we had hopes, not necessarily bright ones, but something, something could happen. We prayed for it,” sighs a Mosul grandmother who’s name she requested we not publish. “Now there is only the sins of the past, again, we have given up.” She gazes out at the mostly deserted streets from her dilapidated house. Her eyes vacant.

Over three years into his first term as the Prophet’s Successor, the administration of Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi finds itself on the ropes. Besieged by internal strife and still embroiled in two wars, al-Baghdadi seems unable to cope with a endless litany of troubles. This last month poll numbers showed the Sultan’s ratings at near 30%, the worst for any first term Caliph since Mustafa III.

Even his closest supporters ponder if his Blessed Reign as Caliph has lost all momentum for good. “There’s a sense there’s a complete lack of direction. Nobody’s driving change anymore,” states an ISIS party insider.

Only this week the administration was rocked by yet another scandal, this time a sexual assault allegation against an ISIS party official at a conference in Ramadi. Councilor al-Rousani has vehemently denied the charges laid against him in Sharia Court on Tuesday. He has admitted to the illicit sexual contact but described it as “completely consensual”.   al-Rousani is married.

al-Baghdadi’s spokesmen have struggled to balance party factions, mainly the pro-rape and hardcore Sharia elements, who have lined up against one another. Said his chief mouthpiece, “The Caliph has requested that al-Rousani take a leave of absence. He asks for the Prophet’s Guidance upon the investigation and demands that all withhold judgment until the facts are known.”


“We want the old days back…”

The sense of aimlessness is clear on the Tikrit front. Bogged down in the third year of stalemate the Caliphate Regiments are becoming less enthusiastic in fighting a war they view as increasingly separated from the daily lives of their loved ones. Particularly given the incessant economic turmoil back home.

“Those dirty bastards in Mosul, they have no idea what this is like,” sneered one private, to the wide agreement of his colleagues. “Indeed, they’re just a bunch of bandits,” cried another.

The sense that even the Sultan’s closest military advisors are detached from the sufferings of the Ruled were apparent in Sharia Court this week as High Councilor Colonel bin-Fatad was formally charged with bribery in the now infamous Prophet’s Wind attack helicopter procurement fiasco.

bin-Fatad pleaded not guilty to the charges that he aggressively sought and received bribes from French defense contractor EADS. Although bin-Fatad strenuously denies the accusations, it is said various low ranking officers have cut deals with the Prophet’s Prosecutor and will testify against him.

And in France this week President Hollande is said to believe charges are required against EADS employees who, “clearly violated our laws that when we sell French kit to evil, that it should be above board at all times”. The Sultan is thought to have told his advisors that at the very least, bin-Fatad needed to “lose his cock”.

That millions may have found their way into pockets angers those at the front. “We’re fighting Iran every day and they just take all our cash before we see one dinar,” griped a grizzled first sergeant.

“In the old days we had victories, now we just have battles that never end. And how can we win with this, just look at this,” the first sergeant kicked a dusted, green Huawei radio, “this thing is so complicated and nonfunctional that I have to send two corporals to schools just to get this thing to turn on. But nobody has any school quotas, so the thing just sits here and doesn’t work. We generally use it to hold down the daily orders book from the wind.”

The sergeant shakes his head in confusion, “Once upon a time I had only my Land Rover, my Kalashnikov, and my faith. And we won victory after victory. We ran circles around the apostates. Now I can’t even lead a single patrol without writing three drafts of a seven paragraph order and run it up five officers to get to the Company Commander. It’s like writing how you know you’ll lose. We want the old days back.”


“Not the dictator we need…”

In Raqqah, near the ever-present western front, the dissatisfaction was widely described by local students at a “values talking shop”. Sipping tea at sunset they described a future they viewed as without hope, without job prospects, and while trapped in a country that did not honor their dreams.

“When the Caliph assumed power we thought things were different, that he’d bring about Paradise here on this life,” said one university senior majoring in philosophy. “But now all we see is the same games, the same corruption. We want change.”

And yet change has been consistently not forthcoming, both in the wars, and with the al-Baghdadi agenda. Still alongside dictators al-Assad and al-Maliki, supporters questioned whether the three were inherently tied to each other’s static fates.

Said the ISIS party insider, “al-Baghdadi doesn’t want to stay equal with the two of them, but he can’t escape their grasp. Yet since he’s the Caliph, people are always expecting him to deliver, to overcome the two of them. But al-Assad and al-Maliki have Iran and the Sultan only has the Will of the Prophet. What can you do?”

The students in Raqqah were harsher, “He’s not the dictator we need. If this Prophet’s Successor can’t fulfill our destiny then it’s time to find somebody who can.” Although the values group was unsure how they would conduct such a power transfer given the al-Baghdadi administration’s propensity to liquidate its most fervent enemies in a sea of brutality that makes Stalin’s ghost flinch.


“You can’t hide behind a title…”

This next week promises two greater challenges that might perhaps truly test what remains of al-Baghdadi’s authority. On Wednesday, the Prophet’s Court provides its final ruling on the much touted water usage rights on the Tigris. On Friday, the High Council reaches its deadline to pass the next fiscal year’s expenditures. Either event might prove fatal to the administration’s future.

“For three years the Caliph has promised economic prosperity and now he’s hiding behind the courts,” shouted al-Qaeda opposition party official al-Nir. “If the Sultan won’t stand up even to ensure all our people have clean drinking water then what’s the Caliphate for except to keep the rich, rich?”

Caliphate watchers were nearly unanimous in their belief that the High Council would not pass its budget on time due to the overwhelming disagreement over line-item additions inputted by Fallujah representatives in back room dealing last week. International financial institutions warned that yet more financial hurdles would only weaken the Caliphate’s already damaged credit rating.

“Increasingly the markets are concerned that the Sultanate can’t even pay its bills, let alone grow the economy consistently,” commented one BNP Paribas manager, “I think what we’ll ultimately see is the financial community lose faith and perhaps a downgrade of the bond rating to near junk”.

“You can’t hide behind a title,” emphasized al-Nir, “if the Sultan can’t deliver on his promises maybe it’s time to go.” And go he might. In private al-Baghdadi is said to frequently express exasperation with the challenges of office and frustration at the inability of most of his subordinates to produce results. He is said to frequently seek “detachment” in the peace of the desert where he states his intention is to “go fuck off”.

He is said to actively consider retirement from time-to-time but worries of the consequences. “He thinks if a new Caliph appears that he’ll get beheaded along with his whole family,” stated the ISIS party insider, “in reality he’s probably right. But that leaves the rest of us to endure his malaise.”

Back in Mosul the concept of a brutal bloodthirsty purge of leadership has no appeal for the grandmother. “I just want there to be peace, and maybe a little money to go around. But I don’t see it, not from al-Baghdadi or the opposition. We’ve lost faith in them all.”


Why did this take so long?

It’s usually just not that hard to know who will win.  Folks get paid billions to inform leaders what’s “really going on”.  I find this humorous when a five year old could call this game.

So Bashar al-Assad, Dictator & Murderer, Former Medical Professional, and Child of Satan has been in the human life extinguishment business for over three years.  He’s able to do so for a variety of reasons.  To keep this post relatively brief, let’s just go ahead and acknowledge one key advantage while ignoring the rest for a moment:

Assad has all the tools of modern combined arms warfare at his disposal.  His enemies do not.

Armored vehicles, jets, and heavy artillery are machines that make Death happy.  Assad’s had them in play almost from the beginning.  At first, the rebels had the initiative because it took time for the Syrian Army to learn how to use these weapons in a coherent and skilled manner.  They’ve figured it out.

And they’ve also come up with some really neat inspiring methods.  All hail the dark ability of mankind’s children to butcher each other in the most unique ways.  Who would have thought that a 55 gallon drum would be one of the world’s most effective urban warfare munitions?  Well, enjoy it, because I’m sure we’ve not seen the last of that tool, in Syria or elsewhere.

Honestly, I’m shocked the rebels have lasted this long.  I think the only thing going for them is Assad, even with Hezbollah reinforcements, just simply does not have the manpower to take this to the end stage.

All the while the Western world and a few Gulf States have claimed to support the rebels with the things they need to win, or at least survive.  The problem is that nothing they’ve been given thus far is a game changer when you compare it to the weapons handled by Assad.

Assad is given new vehicles by Russia.  Qatar hands out body armor.  Syria gets replacement parts for its attack aircraft.  The United States delivers combat rations.  No chances to guess who wins this one.

Oh, but wait, things are changing?  Maybe?

Guess what kids, this isn’t going to change anything.  Nothing.  This is just enough to make stupid people think the Western world is doing something to help, when they aren’t.  It’s the illusion of support.

Here’s a short battlefield tutorial for those who think Call of Duty is an accurate representation of modern war.  It does not matter how many man-portable anti-tank missile systems you have when:

1) Your enemy clearly has more armored vehicles than you have missiles

2) Your enemy can still call in the necessary air & artillery strikes on all your positions; before they let their vehicles get into your anti-tank missile’s range

3) Your enemy, when required, can still switch tactics and send in the light infantry (Hezbollah) ahead of the tanks to slay your anti-tank missile teams before the armor is brought up

Thus, despite what the Washington Post says, this changes nothing.  It’s just noise.  Sure, some Syrian armor is going to get caught, but it’s not enough.  The Syrian rebels have had variations of accurate and powerful Russian made anti-tank weapons they’ve stolen from the army for years.  It’s never changed the course of the war.

But let’s just say for a second this matters, it still begs the question:

Why did this take so long?

So apparently the West doesn’t give sophisticated weapons to the rebels because of terrorist chain of custody concerns.  Well, what does that have to do with the TOW system?  Why didn’t we hand these out like they were candy two years ago?  A TOW system needs at least three guys to use it right, or a truck to move it around.  They aren’t putting this thing in their checked airplane baggage.  Or sneaking it past some drunken border guard.

They should have handed these out in the thousands two years ago.  They probably have a limitless amount just sitting in NATO warehouses where they’ll run out the clock until they’re demolished at the end of their shelf life.

But the true explanation gets back to what we talked about earlier, both above and in previous posts.  Russia and Iran are in this to win.  The West is not.  War’s over.  Sorry.

The guy in this article, Adwa, says of the delivery “It’s psychological more than physical.”  But then he just about sums it up when he says this:

“The government’s friends were more faithful than our friends,”

They should chisel those words onto the West’s tombstone.  Adwa’s a brave man, but he’s on his own.  And in the end, even if it takes ten years, he’s going to lose.


A textbook study on why tactics are irrelevant when your strategy is complete garbage

Fraudulent elections are the best elections

I’ve called my own snap election! I’ve consulted six million of my closest neighbors to determine if I am the biggest degenerate, hack in the galaxy. My opponent: ordinary, private citizen Abdel Fattah el-Sisi. By a 99% margin, they chose me.

Shocked, I fled to my hovel and cried like a schoolgirl rejected by Bieber until one of my Arcturan guests knocked me out with a blow to the back of the neck. They were sick of my noise. They were playing cards and required my silence. Or whatever they call cards. I don’t understand the game other than that for once, they don’t yell a lot.

Why do the dictators bother? Everybody on the planet knows that when you rake in 99% of the vote, your election was an exercise less useful than doing yoga in an attempt to rid yourself of the plague. Everyone with a functioning brain already knows Sisi is the next president of Egypt. Why will he bother holding a poll? Nobody’s going to believe it was real. What’s the point?

No really, I don’t get it. I may insult our debauched race like it’s cool but I generally have faith that we’re not all drug-fueled-idiots. Not one person is this stupid. Nobody believes 99% is legitimate. So I have no idea. If you know, tell me, and then inform your neighbors, and then call Sisi and see if he agrees. I’m sure it’ll be real easy to get him on the phone.

The Arcturans don’t understand either. Where they come from, a fraud election is called a “brutal, comprehensive liquidation of your political, cultural, and practical enemies”. They don’t comprehend why Sisi doesn’t just take his efforts “to the next level” rather than wasting time and resources on tedious balloting. I tried to explain to them that Earth is different from Arcturus. On Earth, nobody could get away with that kind of brutality anymore.

Our planet is more sophisticated than theirs. Here, if a Middle East dictator exterminated several-hundred-thousand humans in an attempt to consolidate his rule, we wouldn’t stand for it, we’d put a stop to it. So, … (unintelligible profanity) (throws chair)

You know what, fraudulent elections are the best elections. Sisi is the next president of Egypt. He’ll get the title via deceit or the deaths of many. Either way, it’s his job, nobody on this planet’s going to stop him. So you know what, let him have a fake referendum. Since nobody cares, it’s better than massive blood in the streets.


This fine gentleman considers Sisi a “putrid lightweight” in terms of his “barbarity”

It’s well past time to let some fighter pilots get their beaks wet

I’ve honestly never understood the supposedly reasonable arguments for not, at the very least, establishing a no-fly zone over Syria.  The situation’s a mess, it’s probably not solvable by the international community, and in any case nobody’s going to put troops on the ground.  So why care?  Because when you’re letting a guy push barrel bombs out the back of helicopters onto apartment blocks, then we are all complicit in such a disgusting act because it’s so easy for us to stop it.

This is yet again, on full display, the incompetent narcissism of the international diplomatic community.  For them it’s about the self-interest of a nation and the preservation of a very precise and refined international order that they build and maintain.  If the events of the last few months have shown anything, it exposes just how foolish this fantasy really is.  So we’ve allowed a guy to murder north of one-hundred thousand of his own people because attacking him would make Russia angry?  How’d that work out for us?  If we’re going to live in a lawless world where Crimea is a footnote by next August, well let’s just go ahead and do whatever we fucking want also.

Sweeping the skies clean isn’t going to solve Syria’s civil war.  Assad can always just fire tank shells into hospitals too.  But you go with the art of the possible.  Despite what cowardly, uniformed politicians (they call themselves generals & admirals) in the West have claimed, this isn’t that hard or dangerous.  They could establish and maintain a no-fly zone in Syria in a week.  This we can do.  We can’t destroy every tank in Syria without invading, and we’re certainly not going to do that.  Fine, we take what we can get.  At least it’s something.  At least it’s a message that we actually care about what kind of world we live in.

Oh my, says the established, educated diplomat.  Well what about the removal of the chemical weapons?  We can’t allow that deal to get detonated, Mr Arcturus, can we?  Ah, I see, so Assad has met all his deadlines on chemical weapons, right?  Here’s a view of the future that’s one-hundred percent guaranteed to be true, friends: Assad’s not going to ever give up all his chemical weapons.  Ever.  That said diplomat(s) actually believed he would, shows their naive idiocy.

Turkey shot down one jet today and strangely the universe hasn’t collapsed upon itself.  The war will go on.  But that jet won’t be dropping five-hundred pound bombs on a school tomorrow.  Time to let some fighter pilots get their beaks wet from whatever honorable nations choose to let fly.  The war will go on, but we’ll save tens-of-thousands of lives.  In this dark world, for the moment, we can put that in the win column.  Evil’s been on a hell of a streak lately.  Time to punch back.


First round goes to the man with the gun kill on a barrel bomb helicopter.

Syria – This circus tent needs to collapse

This blog will address Syria in greater detail later.  Suffice to say, this is a complicated issue that Jesus would have trouble solving.  And he’s freaking Jesus!  I know what also won’t solve it though, the international diplomacy racket.

Let’s say you’re a Syrian army solider, a rebel, and/or a civilian in the back streets of an Aleppo suburb.  The army just conducted another mortar strike on the apartment block next to the market.  The rebels are trying to get the next shipment of rockets up before the army rolls in the heavy armor.  But it really doesn’t matter if they get the gear up in time, because the entire neighborhood is trashed so they’ll fight meter-for-meter anyways.  If the civilians are still there it’s because they have nowhere else to go.  Everybody’s exhausted, oh, and they’re all probably starving too.  Happy new year, Earth.

Now if this was your reality, would you think what happens in Geneva is important?  For these people, Geneva might as well be the third planet from Arcturus and the Arcturans are arguing over who stole the krypton from the office mess kitty.  Friends, you’ve got to understand, Yan-rek likes the powdered krypton right where he left it.  How else is he to find it in the morning before he’s had his first cup?

Since nobody has an answer for Syria, you might say this conference is at least worth a shot because it can’t possibly do more harm than good.  Well, if you think this, you’re an idiot.  When the attention of all these politicians is on a conference that can’t possibly accomplish a damn thing, I guarantee you there’s something else that isn’t getting done.  Like how five million refugees are going to get fed for the next few years?  Oh, by the way, the UN doesn’t have enough cash for them all.  The Geneva hotel budget alone could probably feed the country for a week though, but who cares.

Friends, this is another topic we’ll hit later.  What I consider the blatant incompetent narcissism of the international diplomatic community.  They all actually think this is important, that they can accomplish something.  If you want to know what it looked like when diplomats were so useless that World War One got started, I think it was something like this.  I’m sure a lot of them are genuinely good people who are trying to do the right thing, but sorry, they’ve already failed before it started.

“Wednesday’s initial meeting, involving speeches from 40 or so foreign ministers – has now ended. The direct talks are scheduled to begin in Geneva on Friday.”

Yes, friends, forty.  Forty foreign ministers.

But it’s okay because the real talks are still two days away.  Cue cash-register sounds for Geneva hotelier.

Oh, and it would appear once again Ban Ki-moon has shown he is not in touch with reality:

“At a fractious evening news conference, during which there were repeated calls for calm, Mr Ban spoke of the suffering in Syria, saying: ‘Enough is enough. The time has come to negotiate.’

Uh, Ban, he’s killed like over a hundred-thousand people.  I don’t think he’s interested in talking.  Maybe you could ask his foreign minister that over the ten-thousand dollar a plate dinner tonight?

Again, there’s no easy answer here.  But let’s at least be honest to those people in Aleppo.  If Ban isn’t saying this:

“Enough is enough. The time has come to negotiate.  Stop the killing by close of business, Friday.  If you don’t, we’ll destroy you and your regime.”

Then nothing is going to change.


“We’re all fucking useless!”