Ignoring history has become too common

Everybody hates history.  It’s boring, most people who teach it are weird, it has almost no practical value toward our daily lives, and if you believe all of these things you’re in the majority.  That doesn’t mean you’re right.  Ignorance of history is also a poison to a culture.

In my opinion, one of the major common themes of a destroyed civilization is the absence of any understand of its history.  Do you think the drunk, rich assholes in Rome had any idea how hard it was to build their Empire right before Attila instructed them on the ways of the universe?

I could write ten pages on this topic, but I’m here today to raise one point that recently came to mind.  Twelve Years a Slave has won the Oscar for best picture.  They say it’s pretty good.  I haven’t seen it, but maybe I will later.  Perhaps just because it’s the elite thing to see it, I refuse to.

What really irks me is one of the greatest compliments people (idiots) hoist upon the movie’s shoulders is how it (my summary) exposes the rotten, intrinsically evil, founding principles of America.  I have no idea if this is what the movie’s creators intended, usually the audience can interpret whatever they want, but it’s what a lot of individuals are saying.  Folks who have no conception of their own history are happy to clap for a movie that informs them their heritage came from Satan.  Wow, that really makes me want to see the movie and enjoy it.

It’s easy to hate what you don’t understand.  The country was certainly founded with a great evil in slavery.  But the Founding Fathers knew this.  Just read Adams, Washington, Jefferson, and you quickly learn they all were well aware of what they were doing.  If you’ve learned anything on this blog it’s that life is a cruel bitch.  You do the best you can.  They made mistakes, and they certainly also made compromises.  In the end, they still created a very beautiful thing.  Maybe if your ancestors were under the whip you don’t see it that way, but I hope you at least understand where I’m coming from.  As I certainly understand where you’re coming from.

What bothers me the most in this conversation is that there was also a cleansing act in history that people ignore.  It’s called the American Civil War.  The Founding Fathers left this very stark issue for their grandchildren to address.  When people bring up the movie, they forget to mention that just a few years after the events of the movie took place, the country blew up.  If slavery was our founding sin, we paid for it in righteous blood.  One out of every thirty Americans died in this war.  The equivalent number in today’s population is ten million people.  It didn’t necessarily end there, just ask MLK’s ghost, but it was a start.

Two of my ancestors shed their blood on the battlefield to free the slaves and preserve America.  Don’t tell me we’re founded and sustained upon sin.  We’re human, we’ve made horrible mistakes.  But we’ve made up for them with great, virtuous acts.  We have a long way to go, but that’s history’s context too.  Compared to losing ten million on the battlefield, I assure you, we can make it all so much better together, hand-in-hand.  But we’re not going to get there listening to people who are stuck in the past, when they don’t understand the past.

So do me a favor you elite assholes.  The next time you mention how rotten we all are, at least be willing to tell me you’ve heard of Antietam or Cold Harbor or Fort Wagner or Chickamauga.  If you don’t know what they are?  Then I have no interest in what you have to say about our history.

dayattheoffice

You cannot fathom, my fellow Americans, of how awful it really was.

Film in the Middle East – Banning Noah

Many people focused today on pivotal issues such as a missing airplane, invasion plans, and whether $12 million on one man is enough to buy your way out of Super Bowl shame.  I on the other hand spent my day figuring out the greatest mystery since King Tutankhamun’s tomb:

Why are several Gulf states banning the masterpiece hit film Noah?

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/entertainment-arts-26568107

To get to the bottom of this crisis I commuted today to Doha via an Arcturan Teledar sortie.  There I spoke with Professor Ali Hassan bin Angry of the Doha Institute for Offended Studies.

The Arcturus Project:  Professor Hassan, thanks so much for agreeing to speak with us.

Professor Hassan:  My pleasure, Sir.

TAP:  Why so quick to ban a film you haven’t even seen?

PH:  Well, it’s not necessarily the content of the film, but as we understand it Nūh is depicted directly in the film…

TAP:  Yes, I saw Russell Crowe’s dreamy face in the previews.

PH:  Exactly, and in Islam we consider it blasphemy to show the face of a prophet, any prophet.

TAP:  And so the ban.

PH:  Yes, of course.

TAP:  Why did you not just ask Paramount to blur Crowe’s face throughout the film?  It might have actually improved the viewing experience.

PH:  Ah, I suppose we never considered it.  It’s just blasphemous.

TAP:  Do you hope all nations with Islamic populations will ban the flick?

PH:  Of course, it’s sacrilege and offensive to our values.

TAP:  You do realize they don’t actually intend to offend you, they just want to make a shit ton of cash.

PH:  Pardon?

TAP:  They’ve managed to offend nearly every religion on the planet by making this film.  I think even a Buddhist monk wants to vomit somewhere, but they don’t want to offend people because if they offend somebody they can’t take their cash.

PH:  But they had to have seen this coming?

TAP:  I think they just figured they’d take the risk.  They have to cash in on the name.

PH:  I don’t understand?

TAP:  Everybody on the planet knows Noah’s name.  So if they make a movie about him, people will in theory hand over cash because of name recognition.  This movie isn’t about religion, it’s about a guy named Noah.  They don’t care about his story.  They just want you in the door because you know his name.  After that, they could have Noah solving bank robberies for all Paramount cares.

PH:  Well, then certainly we’ve made the right choice by banning such a disgusting cash grab!

TAP:  No see, you’re wrong, by banning the movie you’ve undoubtedly ensured millions in the Islamic world will see this via an online hack site or something.  Since you’ve banned it, now they’ll have to see it.

PH:  There’s no way that’s true.

TAP:  It happens all the time.  You think anybody actually wanted to watch Passion of the Christ?  It’s just several hours of a decent guy getting the shit kicked out of him.  But then a bunch of you guys banned it and it got more press.

PH:  That was never our intention though.

TAP:  You need to learn from your mistakes, there’s going to be more films like this.

PH:  More?!  They must have mercy upon us.

TAP:  They won’t, any concept that has anything with a recognizable name is going to get packaged into a shitty film and shoved down your throat.  Religious characters, historical dude, the freaking zoo, anything.  They’ll shove out one with a Rubik’s Cube next year for sure.

PH:  You mean that colored square?

TAP:  Exactly.

PH:  Why would they do such an evil thing?  Why so quickly?

TAP:  They have to get the movie out there before they lose the name recognition.  In ten years nobody will know what a Rubik’s Cube is anymore because it’s not a smartphone application.

PH:  You’ve opened my eyes to a great evil but I find your assertion that the Rubik’s Cube movie is coming as dubious.

TAP:  How do you figure?

PH:  This is insane, what would the Cube do?

TAP:  I don’t know, fight Satan.

PH:  How is a Rubik’s Cube going to fight Satan?

TAP:  With, ah, with its mind.

PH:  …

TAP:  So like the cube will stump Satan because he can’t do math, and then he’ll surrender, and the Cube will walk away with the girl.

PH:  The Dark One’s enslaved the human race with hate and darkness for over five thousand years.  I’m pretty sure he can do complex math!

TAP:  Hey listen buddy, whose interview is this anyways?

PH:  Yes, yes, yours, publish your article!  Let your insanity widely disperse.  I stand by the ban.

TAP:  Article, yeah, so…

PH:  You represent the San Francisco Chronicle!  I agreed to this interview as such!

TAP:  Yeah, they’ve uh, they’ve got me on retainer.  I love Frisco.

PH:   …

TAP:  …

PH:  Do you have a card!?

TAP:  I have an Arcturan enforcer waiting for me outside in the parking lot.  He can’t go home until I do.

PH:  Can he fly me too? 

TAP:  Why?

PH:  I believe I have found an equitable solution to both our problems. 

TAP:  I’m listening.

In a shocking event the home of respected filmmaker Darren Aronofsky was found incinerated this morning.  His fate is unknown as police believe it will take weeks to search for his remains, should they exist inside.  Religious groups worldwide are acclaiming this as “God’s justice” for the “blasphemy” evident in his latest film Noah.  Studios worldwide are said to be considering a rethink of their plans for dozens of films “inspired by actual religions events”.

Now to our next story.  Police are hot on the case of a complaint from a local pirate themed bar of the “loud and disgusting” behavior of a trio of patrons (one dressed in an alien costume) who drank heavily, shouted at staff and other patrons, sang obnoxiously of their ‘victory’, punched a teenage waitress in the face, and rode the pirate mannequin out the door when threated with a police call.  The authorities are said to be investigating. 

NOAH

You know his name.  For the purposes of this film, his story is irrelevant.  Please relinquish your cash in an orderly manner.