Category Archives: Business

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your own self-driving car is never going to happen; but if it does, you’re in trouble

I’ve believed for years that the Internet of Things is ultimately going to be known as one of our culture’s greatest mistakes. We’re restructuring all the building blocks of our society on an Internet with security rules built on quicksand. If every business can lose your credit card number in eight seconds, what chance does every other company have at keeping things safe once they’re online?

And much of the Internet of Things is so unnecessary. What possible reason is there to hook up my fridge to the Internet? Oh, so the power company can better manage the grid at peak hours? I swear, if I hooked up my fridge and they turned it off, and I got home and my beer was warm? I’d burn down the power company.

And so to the surprise of nobody who understands how the Internet is structured, a bunch of dudes have figured out how to hack your car. Not the fancy new wired self-driving cars, but your normal everyday average current automobile. They discovered they can literally turn your steering wheel and send you to Valhalla via the express lane.

The BBC has a good brief summary, but the Washington Post gets into the all too predictable horrifying details.

Unless we’re prepared to restructure the base rules of the Internet, then the Internet of Things is a danger because everything is completely vulnerable. Yeah, I know, quite the stretch for some. But it’s all doom mongering from lunatic blog authors, until somebody dies in their car via a hack. Or somebody hijacks a drone and rams an airliner. I don’t have to go through this again do I?

Because of this, I contend your own self-driving car is never going to happen. Not because the technology can’t be done, but because there’s no way they can make it secure. And if your car ever does become self-driving it’ll be because somebody hacked your car and you’re in trouble. Break the window and dive out, while you can.

burning car

our future awaits

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do not read or buy this book

Apparently an 89 year old stroke victim who can’t see or hear can consent to having their name attached to a book sold worldwide.  Who knew?  Money!  There’s been a lot of confusion on how this book came about, with widely varying stories on what’s happened.  So let me break it down in all its horror so you’ll believe me when I say do not read or buy this book.

– Harper Lee did not read or edit this book in draft or final form.  Whether she actually wrote any of this five decades ago is irrelevant.  The author reserves the right to approve their work prior to publication.  That’s why they’re the freaking author.

– Lee made herself clear on many, many occasions that she’d never publish again.  Seeing as how she’s not said one word about this book (probably because she can’t) it’s quite clear she didn’t consent and/or change her mind.  Thus, it’s not her book.

– Tonja Carter (Bob Ewell) says she miraculously found the manuscript, but only after Alice Lee died.  Like our good old friend Bob, it’s quite clear she’s lying.  And like our good old friend Bob, she’s getting away with it in open view of everybody on the planet.  Money!

So basically what’s happened is Carter and the goons at HarperCollins have decided to mortgage the good name of Harper Lee and her characters for all time in order to make money.  All without getting Lee’s permission.  Even though it’s her name on the front of the book.

The HarperCollins folks should be ashamed, truly disgusted with their actions.  But I suppose they won’t remember that when they step up to buy their third boat.

go set a watchman

Seriously, do not read or buy this book.

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on beer, breweries, airlines, airports, collusion, and selling out

So the airlines are supposedly colluding on price, eh? Who would have thought? I did. But I’m just some guy who flies regularly. I’m not a big shot at the Justice Department. But my Guests and I just did a brief half-hour of research to confirm what we’ve always suspected. It will undoubtedly take the Justice Department five months and $18M to do what I just did.

Kindly observe this tale of two airports: Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport & Manchester–Boston Regional Airport.

So I went to Priceline Senόr Bancό de Rόbber Bill Shatner’s website to fly between these two locations. I chose 10-12 November to:

– Eliminate the possibility of last minute flight booking disparities

– Non-holiday week

– Not on a Friday or the weekend

– Random boring normal week

Manchester to Phoenix NOV

And, hmm, I get $347 with Delta and United, and American / US Air is within 7%. So why are Delta and United charging the exact same price? So I figure, okay, maybe Bill’s got an inside Star Trek deal in place with Delta and United. So I journey directly to the Delta and United websites to get it straight from the airline’s maul.

United 348

United gives a figure of $348 or $1 off Shatner.

Delta 355

Delta’s $355 or a whole $7 more than Shatner.

Just to further investigate I strolled over to Southwest and no points for guessing how much they charge for this flight.

Southwest 348

Yeah.

So of the four major airlines (all now under Justice Department investigation) three of them charge the exact same price. The other is a whole 7% more expensive. I see. Yeah.

So is all of this just a coincidence? That $348 is just how much it costs to fly from Manchester to Phoenix and none of the airlines can mess with that price?

Put another way, none of these airlines seem interested in providing a price different from the others, so they could, like, make money. You know, compete with the other airlines for your business to make a higher profit than the other airline. Capitalism, competition, etc?

So are the airlines colluding on price? I’ll let you decide. But the answer’s yes.

Speaking of reasons why collusion occurs, it seems presidential candidates have taken it upon themselves to conduct campaign events at breweries. Why?

– Everybody loves beer

– Get to pose with industrial looking equipment

– Meet hard working Americans not yet replaced by some dude in Shenzhen

– Everybody loves beer

bush brewery

Here we see Bush 3 at Four Peaks Brewery in Arizona.

clinton brewery

And here we see Clinton 2 at Smuttynose Brewery in New Hampshire.

I like these breweries. Smuttynose’s Robust Porter is first rate.

Robust Porter

I’ve only drank Four Peak’s Kilt Lifter when I’m layover at Phoenix Sky because you can’t get it out east yet. Good stuff too.

kilt lifter

You can get Kilt Lifter at Zinc Brasserie’s in Terminal 4. By the way, Zinc Brasserie’s is the only place you need to eat at Phoenix Sky. Don’t bother with anywhere else. I literally schedule layovers at Phoenix Sky to eat there. Place is freaking awesome. I’ve never been at Manchester long enough to eat there, so I don’t know what they’ve got.

Anyways, despite my affection for Four Peaks and Smuttynose I’m rather unnerved they’ve decided to sell out like this. Don’t you go ahead and think breweries host campaign events for free. They want payback, eventually. A phone call here, a campaign contribution there. A little access, a chance to remind somebody later when you need a favor. A concept otherwise known as collusion.

If the airlines are colluding against the law they’ve been doing it for at least a decade. And now the Justice Department wants to get involved? Honestly I’m surprised they’re actually doing something. Businesses have gotten so good at rigging the game or selling out that I’m always surprised when the consumer is handed a real victory, like when Comcast recently lost the chance to become the true giant octopus.

But I kind of expect the airlines to break the rules. They’ve been doing it since the dawn of flight. When Sarsaparilla Airways was shoving $2 bills into Woodrow Wilson’s pocket. But beer is supposed to be better than that. Beer is for us, more personal, intimate. You drink it at home, while relaxing with good television or a great book. Beyond crooked awfulness. It irks me to see them in the game this way.

Is beer the next total sell out? I guess we’ll know if Bush 3 or Clinton 2 wins, and then I stroll into my local shopette and see six packs of Robust Porter and Kilt Lifter. And they’re both the exact same price.

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this week’s financial antics will expose the follies of five years

You can’t muddle through forever, eventually things actually have to happen. But at this final hour, I can’t help but imagine a metaphor of Greece as a coke addict, curled up in a ball on the floor of an abandoned building, shaking, and the Troika is standing hunched over him, arm around the shoulder, offering the chance to take yet another hit.

Unless you happen to live in a realm not called reality, you cannot deny Greece has been bankrupt for five years. But everybody’s kept trying to find a way to muddle through. Greece is surely to blame for running up unsustainable debt; but blame the EU, IMF, Bank(s), and the EU for allowing the fiction of solvency to continue.

Don’t believe me? Just read this paragraph I altered from this BBC article:

 

Greece’s temporary [clean moment] is sending [dealers’] money into other [drug] markets, which experts say will continue in the short-term, as [dealers] worry about a potential massive [drug free era] in the country.

Despite worries about the deepening [drug free era] in Greece, [cocaina] market watchers say that [dealer] markets are equipped to handle the short-term volatility.

“To a certain extent, we do expect markets to react to this, with peripheral [coke] yields probably higher, the [price of blow] a little bit lower throughout the week and some strength in the safe havens like [heroin] and the [new synthetic powders],” David Stubbs from [Venezuela] told the BBC’s Today programme.

He added that because the [corner] situation in the eurozone had improved since 2011, the region’s [habit] should be able to weather the storm.

 

Everybody wants to shout about how bad it’ll be for Greece if they formally go bankrupt, leave the Euro, and otherwise temporarily exit financial markets. Well you know what, Greece’s been in depression for five years. A Greek child born yesterday is currently scheduled to spend the first five decades of their life paying off debt they don’t own.

Bankruptcy laws were created for a reason, both for individuals and even countries. That the EU is trying so very, very hard, even today, to do a pathetic-last-minute-deal-that’ll-just-kick-the-can-down-the-road-for-three-months has really turned my brain into thinking it’s become entirely about the EU. And the Troika isn’t bothered by what happens to the Greek citizen. And it also doesn’t help things when Greece has a prime minister who literally appears so removed from realism every day I think he’s actually on coke.

Just let them go bankrupt. It’ll be a very, very hard decade. But after five years, and facing five more decades of this, short term suffering is better than enduring a perpetual debt state. Pull the EU dealer off Greece’s shoulders, take that dude to a clinic, and get him clean.

flags

coming soon; to a flaming agora protest near you

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Arcturus News Muster – Swift seizes West Coast, proclaims New Republic of Love

Cupertino, California – 22 June 2015 – In a shocking joint statement Apple Music head Eddy Cue, speaking alongside California governor Jerry Brown, surrendered unconditionally to the forces of Taylor Swift after a violent, bloody twelve hour struggle.

Battle hardened Silicon Valley warriors solemnly listened as a tearful Cue summarized his decision to unilaterally end all hostilities, “… our forces had already experienced a lot of concern from indie artists whose rear echelon attacks had begun to drain our bottom line, but our recent defeat leads me to the conclusion that our cause is finished.”

Cue later tweeted, “We hear you @taylorswift13 and indie artists. We submit to your authority. Please, please just stop. Love, Apple.”

The unexpected termination of hostilities followed this weekend’s crushing defeat of the Valley’s Sixth Division outside Sacramento. Initial reports indicate the Sixth Division suffered upwards of 95% casualties encapsulated by an unverified Tumblr video appearing to show a blood stained Swift holding the severed head of Apple CFO Lieutenant General Luca Maestri.

Panicked evacuations from various Valley campuses were indicated by the numerous private jets, helicopters, and auto-gyros arriving at Aspen bearing panicked Valley leaders toting what meager worldly possessions they could gather as they fled, such as $20K Apple Watches, $15K pop-collared shirts, and a $4 VCR.

Rumors swirled throughout the West Coast that Swift’s forces were occupying government buildings and public spaces riding armored hybrid-electric vehicles blaring “Shake It Off” from loudspeakers.

Governor Brown’s concurrent statement seemed to confirm this capitulation as he’d apparently placed the California National Guard under Swift’s command. “I don’t know what else I can do, my state’s essentially bankrupt, we’re outta water, I don’t remember where I left my keys, but hell, she’s got enough money to fix all this. Right? I think?”

Yet Valley devotees expected Cue’s capitulation would not impact Apple CEO Tim Cook’s plan to run a government in exile until a point he could use Apple’s mammoth reserved funds to build the world’s fifth largest standing army and counterattack.

Said one Apple insider, Tim’s counting on the loyalty of his Foxconn employees to manufacture a bunch of awesome new iWeapons to turn the tide. He figures they’ve been loyal to Apple all these years, and so he can trust them to back his return.”

swift

“I say this with love, reverence, and admiration for everything else you have done: If you betray my rule, I’ll kill you all.”

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what if velociraptor fought terminator?

There’s very little I wouldn’t give up to see this vicious bout. What purpose would it serve? I don’t care. Why should you? It’d be senseless and fun. That’s good enough for me. I assure you, you’ll pay money to see it. Plus, for one thing it’d make a movie ten times better than the mess that’s about to appear on screen.

For I have seen into the future. My Guests facilitated my journey into the outer reaches of the cosmos where I had the opportunity to see through time, grab a beer, solve the unified field theory, speak with Hitler, and watch both Jurassic Actual Park and Terminator Misspelled Word.

In order to increase the hi-larity, Hitler insisted that we use the powers of the sixth dimension to summon the corporeal form of Richard Attenborough. We also used these powers to procure enough alcohol to overcome even the level of suffering that Steven Spielberg and James Cameron are likely to endure once they realize what these people did with two of their finest creations.

Of course, this is to assume Spielberg and Cameron actually bother to watch these movies. Which of course they won’t. Instead, we’ll get the glory of two hack directors who’ve never made a decent movie but do their best to prove just how much they’re exactly like Michael Bay. Because that’s where the money is.

About halfway through World, Richard started to chug uncontrollably from a bottle of gin and then blacked out mumbling, “I don’t believe it. I don’t believe it.” A third of the way through Genesis (sic) Hitler remarked that the only thing worse than this film experience was when he watched Downfall and realized what a total asshole he actually was.

And now having seen both of these movies, I have thus proven my original two conclusions correct:

1) Both these movies are horrible

2) Each of these movies will make $1B minimum

Kindly observe the awfulness on display before you’ve even watched five minutes of these putrid creations known as their trailers:

Terminator Minor Sins:

a) Arnold fighting his younger self; one liner to young Arnold: “Don’t run for office you dirty fuck! Don’t do it! I know your fate!”

b) A flying yellow school bus action scene that puts the Los Angeles river motorcycle chase scene from Terminator 2 on par with the chariot race from Ben Hur (by the way, replace the word Terminator or Jurassic with Ben Hur; and you’ll also receive a perfectly accurate film review of the forthcoming Ben Hur remake)

c) Arnold flying through a functioning death saw known as an airborne helicopter; a situation that would completely destroy the character from Terminator 2 known as The Terminator

Terminator Heinous Sins of One’s Soul:

A) Turning John Connor’s character into a half-man / half-machine psycho

Jurassic Minor Sins:

a) genetically engineered super dinosaur that will make all humanity wonder why this movie isn’t called Godzilla 19

b) a body count higher in the trailer alone than all three previous movies combined thus proving the intent to make slasher porn rather than an actual movie

c) implication of a cinematic tone so devoid of adventure and excitement as to make one wonder if the desire was to make the audience depart the theater exhausted and convinced life is just a big meat grinder

Jurassic Heinous Sins of One’s Soul:

A) brain control of the velociraptors to the point they become either mind slaves or allies of Chris Pratt

Jurassic Park is in my top five of great movies. Terminator 2 is likely in my top ten. If you think I’m a lunatic for these assessments, then you’ve read too much of this blog post to begin with. But even if you disagree with my rankings, you cannot dispute that these two movies were at least, movies.

I’m not sure what Terminator 5 and Jurassic 4 are? But they’re not movies in the sense that I understand the term. At best they’re like loud theme park rides. Which I think is the new concept for the summer blockbuster.

Take a name the populace will recognize, make it a Bay style action movie, and shove it down everybody’s throats whether they like it or not. And when you make $1B? Nobody will care.

Well I care dammit! I care a great deal. Because I have no life, and my Guests won’t leave me alone. So I’m always out to distract myself. Such as with the advertising and marketing campaign for my new sixth dimension creation where the velociraptor and terminator will participate in a Dual of the Fates at Madison Square Garden on July 25th at 8pm. Live. Pay Per View! $100.

You will pay. I assure you. I bought Chris Pratt for one afternoon to use his sexy mind control powers on millions. I can’t lose. I’ll make $1B for sure!

dual of the fates

Clever Girl over Cyberdyne in seven rounds

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airlines apparently need iPads to fly, iPhones to instruct location of on-switch

Apparently, American Airlines needs a working iPad to fly an aircraft.  Otherwise the pilots don’t have charts.  And I discovered today that it’s not just American, but multiple airlines who use tablets as their air charts.  So if the tablets break, the aircraft has no charts.

That’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.

So if the tablet breaks while in flight, do they have to emergency land the aircraft?  If the answer’s yes, then we’re all placing our lives in the hands of some of the most breakable, fragile technology since somebody tried to use crystal glass as a medieval battlefield melee weapon.  Or, if the answer’s no, and the pilots just fly on with a broken iPad, then why can’t they just take off with it broken too?

So like, I suck at math.  So I use a calculator.  I can’t even do effective long division by hand no more.  But I’m not a mathematician.  So who cares.  But if I was an airline pilot, and I need an iPad?  Otherwise I can’t fly?  Then I’m pretty sure the pilot is too dependent upon technology and/or sucks as a pilot.

And don’t give me that nonsense that a paper chart is equivalent, that the iPad is just more efficient and is otherwise the same thing.  A paper air chart only breaks when the aircraft is in flames.  Circa 2019, some twelve-year-old-coked-out-virgin-boy from Cincinnati is going to find a way to hack the airline flight chart iPad.

We’re too dependent on technology.  We can’t do nothing without it no more.  Soon, we’ll need the smartphone to instruct us to do the following exquisite tasks:

– a new type of food arrives at your restaurant table; you’ve never eaten it before; whip out phone for directions on how to consume this new exotic treat; don’t bother trying to figure it out on your own, like it’s some kind of adventure; don’t live life, instead, do exactly as you’re told to do by others

– you no longer remember how to read a road map; road maps are you obey the verbal directions of a machine; in the event of the apocalypse, you’ll misinterpret an existing road map and drive towards the zombies’ lair instead of away from them; thus dooming your family to a lifetime banquet of brains; way to go

– you’ve forgotten how to talk to somebody face-to-face; the last time you actually saw your friends in non-text-social-media form was 2004; in fact, you just walked past them on the street and didn’t know it, you don’t even exist, nor do they

– in order to determine the time of day, you must consult your phone; one day, just for the hell of it you tried to look up at the sky to see if you could tell what time it was by the position of the sun; but you just burned your retinas as you hadn’t been outside beyond commuting to work in five weeks

– one morning, you awoke and found your phone had died; you thus no longer possessed the means to acquire news; given this, you thus naturally assumed the universe was ending, and that the dawn of a new age was at hand; and so you looted your neighbors’ homes for their worldly possessions, and declared yourself overlord of your general residential area; until you were viciously overthrown by the local authorities; but not having your smartphone handy, you were unable to determine which mental institution they were taking you, nor provide directions to the loon-van driver; for his phone had died too, and he didn’t know how to get back to work from your house