So Hollywood has everyone convinced for over fifty years that sandstorms work like a tidal wave. Like a wall of sand one hundred meters high swallows everyone whole. But somehow some or most of the people in the movie live. And they look like they’re still wearing makeup, and got less sand on them than a kiddy building a beach sandcastle.

First off, that’s not how sandstorms work. In only of the rarest of occasions are they that violent, and also, the lack of eyewitnesses cannot be ignored. If you get hit by a wall of sand that big? Everyone dies. They’ll never even find your bones. It’s like a ship sinking in the middle of nowhere ocean where the mermaids kill everyone, but nobody is alive to confirm it.

Sandstorms don’t flow upon you like the wave of the tsunami. They settle upon you like a blanket that your worst enemy bought for you and mailed to you even though it was surrounded by malaria carrying mosquitos. Plus some rabid cute little mousses in there, for extra credit.

In Star Wars: Attack of the Clones there is the infamous line where ordinary average gentleman, amateur bridge player, spacecraft mechanic, player of musical instruments at local orphanages, and future genocidal maniac Anakin makes his comments about sand to Padme that have been panned for decades.

I’ve always found this odd. Because his statement made perfect sense to me. I despise the prequels (please somebody kidnap Lucas and hand him over to my Guests). But this line is not a problem for me. It speaks to those who have had to clean sand out of their entire body and anything they were wearing. And even then it doesn’t work.

Will you die? Probably not. Is it the most annoying thing ever and makes you feel like a walking piece of sandpaper? Yes. Humans cannot live in the ocean otherwise they dehydrate, can’t swim forever, can’t breathe underwater, and are mauled by an orca who can’t believe its luck.

But I guess to a certain degree we can survive sand, live with it, and move on. It’s really weird. If you try and live in the ocean ala The Simpsons dolphin episode, you die. If you try and live in space and aren’t protected the absolute pinnacle of human technology, you die. But we can live with sand and bleached skeleton deserts?

Why do I say this? I guess it’s been on my mind. And it’s a prequel (pun intended <= do you get it? I did a thing there. <= DO YOU GET IT?!) to my next post. I hope. Or I’ll disappear on this degenerate blog for another year. Either way.

when is your next shower? If you don’t know, this is merciless