Per the guidance of my previous post, I watched the Super Bowl last night, but only because I genuinely enjoy football.  Sadly, we did not receive the good game we’d all hoped for.  Unless you live in Seattle, or became a fair-weather Seahawks fan in the last five weeks, you likely did not enjoy the game.  Do you know what else you did not relish?  A series of terrible, over-thought, pathetic commercials.

If you disagree and desire to make the case that the world’s advertising and marketing geniuses (hereafter Assholes) did a great job, then you either:

a)  Can be sold a bill of goods by a degenerate leprechaun

b)  Were not sitting in a room of twenty diverse people, like me, who also agreed that the commercials did not deliver

The highlight of the night’s failures were the fools at Maserati.  What better way to get people to buy your car and improve your image than by broadcasting to an audience of which 99.99% cannot purchase your item.  I don’t think Maserati understands how deeply they have damaged their brand.  In my room, several people speculated that Maserati’s goal was in fact to produce a big “fuck you” to average citizens who could not obtain their car, and thus increase the chances that somebody who could afford their car would buy it to get in on the “fuck you peasant” cause.  This one feedback loop about sums up the evening.

It occurred to me just before halftime (when it was clear only one team was playing football) that the commercials were trending along a few major themes:

1)  Blatant and shameless American patriotism

“If you buy this item, you love freedom and democracy.  If you buy from our competitors, you’re Hitler.”

2)  It’s happy time

“If you buy our item, you’ll be as happy as these people you see on your screen.  If you don’t buy from us, you’ll end up offing yourself in the bathroom with a shampoo bottle shard, alone, and very afraid.”

3)  Wacky, so very wacky

“Our item is so off the wall that only the most sane, rational, and smart person (you) would agree to buy such a thing.  You’re hip, and if you buy this stuff, you’ll be at the cutting edge.  Nobody truly gets us (and the new ‘thing’) better than you.”

4)  The epic production

“See how our commercial is like a movie trailer?  When you buy our item, it’ll be like you’re in a movie.  Let our dramatic music and pristine cinematography (and the item you’ll buy) distract you from your otherwise pathetic horror movie life.”

And then I read this over coffee:

 

http://www.economist.com/news/business/21595412-brands-are-finding-it-hard-adapt-age-scepticism-we-want-be-your-friend

 

Oh my, where do I start?

I guess to me it’s simple.  And truly, this line is equally applicable to politicians:

–  When you treat the average human like they’re idiots, don’t be surprised when they hate you, and generally don’t do as you ask.

A normal adult desires to be treated as such.  When you fall short of that goal, you’re going to get resistance.  People desire the respect of others, particularly from folks who want their votes or money. 

Here’s an idea?  Just be honest.  Don’t lay it out as a scheme, a gimmick, or anything fancy.  Put a freaking guy in front of a white wall and have him explain why your product is awesome.  At the very least get some class back into the game.

As an example, the Economist article refers to Dominos’ recent advertising campaigns.  How interesting, Dominos came up in my room last night.  Why?  The comment(s) were that they liked Dominos poking fun at their past failures, promising to fix it for the customer, and then (here’s the kicker) actually delivering on their guarantee of improved quality.  Wow!  This is Asshole rocket science.  It’s almost like the Assholes at Dominos can see through time and disobey the laws of the universe!

Asking for the truth can be a dangerous thing.  What politician is going to actually tell you they don’t understand the law they just voted for, they only did it because they had to pay back a lobbyist?  No Asshole is actually going to say they’d like you to buy their above average tested product with a small or large markup because they need to increase their share value.  And in the end, even if you liked the honesty you got, you’d still be out one vote or some cash.  But somewhere there is a balance. 

As to yesterday, speaking of peering through time, I have a vision, of last night’s Assholes staring in revulsion at the shit they allowed to hit the air.  Then the medieval CEO claps, whispers, and grown men are dragged away to the woods for failing their feudal master.

Isn’t our car awesome!  Too bad you’ll never buy it, pig!

As with every Super Bowl build up, tis the season to hear experts tell you why so many members of the planetary club will watch the game tomorrow.  These pundits, who by the way are paid to tell you what they think (so you will think what they think), will offer a number of reasons.

When you hear that one guy claim that people will watch it simply because everybody else does, listen to that person, because they know what they’re talking about.  And then get their name and network and post it as a comment on this web-zone so that I know who stole my idea.

This post carries a lot of statistics.  They say there are lies, damn lies, and statistics.  But what they left out is if a statistic comes from me, it’s always true.  I acquired them through the most refined, delicate research process known to man.  It cost me the entire monthly operating budget for this blog to achieve these results.  So you make sure to enjoy it.

Last year’s Super Bowl was watched by 111 million American viewers.  Two weeks ago 47 million watched the AFC Championship game while the NFC game carried 42 million.  Assuming similar numbers for tomorrow, what’s to account for this 60 million disparity?

We can all assume that those who truly care about football would watch two of the biggest games of the year right?  So why are 60 million meat-bags who don’t care about football watching the game?  As stated above, it’s because everybody else is watching.  What’s up with that?  Who cares?  If 100 million people were watching jai-alai in the Cayman Islands I wouldn’t watch it.  Except that I probably would; the whole thing.

Here’s a very profound statement (it came to me in a dream last night):  The average human wants to be a part of something.  They want in on the team.  When you show up at the Keurig station on Monday morning (water coolers are apparently for Commie-Nazis) you don’t want to be the only person who didn’t see at least one play the prior night.  Or who saw that wacky commercial.  By the way, buy things, lots of things!  Spend money now!  NOW!

The growing dispersion of entertainment sources is well known and written about constantly so we won’t discuss it here, at least until later.  But these figures show you how rare an occurrence a water cooler moment is now:

–  I Love Lucy was routinely watched by over half, yes half, of people who owned a television

–  Today the highest ratio is around 20%, by Sunday night football or NCIS

–  But NCIS, the number one show, averages only 21 million viewers a night

–  Seinfeld averaged over 30 million viewers for the last four years of its run

–  There are 40 million more Americans today than when Seinfeld ended

This is all a very slow way of saying that we the human race no longer watch the same things anymore.  Except for very rare events like tomorrow you are generally not going to be able to share the moments your grandparents and parents did with the population.  You may wonder why this matters to the public?

I offer the topic of festivus.  Seinfeld ended almost 15 years ago.  Yet how often did you hear somebody of advanced age bring up festivus a few weeks ago?  And then somebody else joined in on the joke.

It’s the idea that there’s something special to you and that from nowhere you can bring up a moment that made you laugh, cheer, tense, or cry.  Then at any point in your day, somebody you hardly know can share that moment with you.  It establishes a connection of thought and emotion between humans that is rarely shared.  You wouldn’t let these people walk your dog; but you’ll share that flash with them every chance you get.

Now is the growing absence of these moments a problem?  For two reasons, I don’t particularly think so.

First, we can still generate enough big events to keep us tied together:  online videos that get billions of views, Super Bowl, alien invasion leader broadcast, whatever.

Second, when you look back at human history, we’ve only had the capability to generate these moments for less than a century.  You think subsistence farmers got to read or watch the same thing in the millions?  There was The Bible, but I don’t think we place that in the same category.

We’ve survived this long by relying not on entertainment to establish our links with fellow creatures; but by generating those special moments through each other.  Through connections we create based not on what we watched, but on who we are.

So, a slight suggestion for those who don’t care about football.  Don’t watch it.  They’ll kick you off the team, but you don’t want in on that team anyways.  Make your own.

Watched by more people than the Korean War.