Category Archives: Entertainment

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show your work; we at the TAP didn’t do our full job on last movies post

My Guests are pissed. But now that I’m posting again at a high rate? I am reminded that a lot of posts can be stream of thought. As in, nonsense. So, I’ll try and keep this brief (and likely somewhat fail).

We posted on the Oscar’s a few days ago. But two things. One, I should have provided some examples. Second, we did not properly give credit where credit is due.

First, the second. The quote, “Now everything sucks” I used is from Red Letter Media, specifically, Mike. If you’re into movies? This is a channel you cannot do without. Most, if not all, of current movie channels use their previous quotes. That’s how long they’ve been doing their excellent thing. I don’t even think a lot of channels realize they’re using the same words from the RLM guys from like a decade ago. It’s endemic. I realized I was using their quote a few days ago in my post, and should have credited them, but didn’t. Bad form. So here that is.

Second, the only reason people know the B movie Samurai Cop exists is because the RLM guys got into it years ago. Comparing this movie to Kurosawa’s’ Sanjuro is like asking anybody to step in front of a semi truck in motion and it’ll somehow all work out.

Samurai Cop is 1980’s/1990’s Southern California straight B garbage, but fun to laugh at. Sanjuro is pure art. If you want to know what I was talking about a few days ago? This is it. Here is an example I should have shown.

One is fun to laugh at. The other is pure art. You may disagree with me, but that’s for you to determine on your own. It’s great if you like superhero movies, or vampire movies, or Michael Bay laughing all the way to his mansion. I don’t mind either way. If you like something? Roll with it, joy is essential, especially in our stupid modern world. I guess I’m just telling you where my brain was at.

One is what Hollywood/(wider movie world; like Japan) used to be. The other is what Hollywood is today. Maybe I was a fool decades ago for not seeing it? The end start of the path that took decades to really happen? And it all fell off a cliff. Not sure?

Samurai Cop:

Samurai Cop Final Fight 🗡️

Sanjuro:

Sanjuro 1962 Ending fight scene 4K Akira Kurosawa

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watching the Oscar’s right now? bail

I got my love of movies from many sources. But a ton of it was from my Grandma. She had her VHS collection. I’ve got my Blu Ray collection.

I think on this degenerate loser blog we’ve posted about the Oscar’s probably about half a dozens times over the years.

I can’t remember the last time I went to a movie theater. Nor the last modern movie I’ve seen at all. As one of the most accurate video creators said a few years ago: “Now everything sucks.”

I think Sinners is supposed to win big? I’ve not seen it, or ever will. But I guess it’s a movie with vampires. Gee, nobody has ever done that before.

Hollywood is finished. The Oscars are nothing currently more than (forgive my language) a complete circle jerk. Where they all think they are important and matter. When they don’t.

I wish it was the other way around. If a good movie I wanted to see in the theater came out? I’d watch it opening weekend. It’s not gonna happen. Culture has moved on. It’s just that the Oscar’s and Hollywood either don’t realize it or accept it.

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rules are for little peasants

I don’t know why I feel compelled to comment on the Oscars (again) when I’ve pretty much said at many points during this pointless blog’s existence that it’s all a sick joke for the benefit of spoiled rich losers.

But I guess I’ll just point out that they really can’t help themselves. This is who they are. In the world of celebrities, a man can assault another man, and ten seconds later be honored and applauded like nothing happened.

In any other part of our society & culture this behavior rightly results in arrest. Not in Hollywood. Rules are for little peasants. If they’re in show business, it’s perfectly okay to be a hypocrite, because everyone else in the room is just like them.

It’s why I just don’t understand the cult of celebrity or people who watch TMZ or whatever, and follow the lives of these people like a religion. For the most part, these are not good people, they’re not moral human beings. Moral human beings, good dudes and women, don’t applaud someone who just assaulted another human being.

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things you should never say in public

I’m mostly catatonic during my morning commute. I’m just not a morning person. I sit on the subway like a zombie. Sometimes I read a little, sometimes I doze off, but mostly I just exist. But things can peak my brain. Like the time last week this guy walked right up six inches from my face and nearly screamed in a menancing way: “Annnddd how are you doing this morning?” I said absolutely nothing and stared at him like he was a sedentary empty soup can and eventually he walked away. Not sure what was up with that.

This morning I’m walking out of the station and I overhear a guy say this little gem to his buddy:

“And then I shot him in the face with a silenced pistol!”

Oh yeah, hmm, yeah that’ll yield a double take even in my fogged morning brain. I’m sure he was just talking about Fortnite, but you still need to not say things like that in public. Or at least don’t talk loudly.

While I’m on the topic, all these Fortnite or equivalent massive multiplayer shooters are all pure garbage. They’re pay for play ponzi schemes for losers.

Now don’t get me wrong, I love shooters, they’re a genre I play all the time. I have a higher video game kill count than Alexander’s partially genocidal Companion Cavalry. But if you’re going to play a shooter, skip the weak ass crap and play a real game. Play a singleplayer death machine like Doom or Wolfenstein.

I mean, just look at this cartoon nonsense:

Oh look the guy has a sword, and it seems they’re surrounded by zombies. Oh and she’s got a Warcraft style hammer. How cute. It’s like a Lego version of a shooter.

Here’s something actually worth your time from Wolfestein:

Ahhh, now that’s early morning commute stress relief.

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this man is an imposter

Slammed in the middle of the NFL’s usual battery of truck commercials and false fluff where companies claim how wonderful they are by lying directly to the audience was a few ads for the new Death on the Nile film.  The is a remake of something that has already been done, and was done better.  It’s a follow up to another Murder on the Orient Express which was done back in 2017.  The Imposter is show business royalty darling Kenneth Branagh who has his tentacles in so many aspects of Hollywood you can’t keep track of it.  But is basically known for making a bunch of forgettable Shakespeare films, shitty (but lucrative) remakes and superhero trash in Thor and Cinderella, and the greatest masterpiece ever made in Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit.

The Imposter has a habit of casting himself in the leading roles while he’s the director.  Which is something that you shouldn’t ever do unless your name is legendary, of which for all his connections, The Imposter is most certainly not.  What’s even more glaring with the two Poirot remakes is The Imposter is shoving himself into an actor / director role where the character has already been played to absolute perfection by David Suchet.  It’s like some hack showing up and deciding he’s going to play Indiana Jones far, far better than Harrison Ford.  It’s patently absurd, but like a bunch (all) of people in show business he’s a narcissist for sure, so it’s okay to fail, as long as he can see his own film and smile about how awesome he thinks he looks.  I think I saw in the Nile trailer that The Imposter has Poirot holding a gun.  Which is like Indy holding a fluffy teddy bear.  Such things should not be done.

There is only one Poirot, that’s it.  And shame on Agatha Christie’s family for taking the check that was slid across the table to let Hollywood trash the 25 years of work David Suchet & Co did with Agatha Christie’s Poirot.

In my mind, this would play out perfectly in 1938.  Miss Lemon would go through the financial records and discover the location of The Imposter based on his bribery paperwork.  Hastings would jump into his roadster to get there as quickly as possible, without knowing even where he was going, and would collide with a bus full of nuns and children on their way to a Great War veteran’s event.  Poirot would solve the case by getting in the face of Hollywood executives (around a crowded circular room with many people listening to him) and the film would be cancelled.  And then Japp would drag The Imposter from his gilded hotel room at 3:34am in shackles to the Scotland Yard basement room known as “The Kiln”.  Where then Japp would grab the phone book and ask questions for seven hours such as “Well then, let’s see how many Fitzhugh’s live in Charing Cross?”  Followed by the screams.

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meet your new Jeopardy host, Kal-Al-Dekbrah, Destroyer of Worlds

It’s become rather hard to keep track of just how many people are detonated in the media every day.  So, I for one don’t even try.  But I guess not one but both the new Jeopardy hosts have at one point in their life called another adult a jerk, so they must be executed in Times Square and can’t host the show.

I’m just gonna go ahead and state that Jeopardy should have died with Alex.  I used to watch this show with my Ma and Dad.  My Dad liked it.  But to me, there is literally less than zero point having the show continue without him.  Trebek WAS Jeopardy.  This show does not properly exist without him.  Everything else is just noise.

That being said, somebody’s gonna host this show, because $.  Since modern media / news / celebrities have a zero tolerance policy on any actual human behavior whatsoever, no human being will ever pass the vetting.  So we at TAP propose Kal-Al-Dekbrah, Destroyer of Worlds as the new host.  His qualifications:

1) Possesses most knowledge available in galaxy.  They can fire the scriptwriters.  HE writes the questions, live, on set.

2) Is so surly and dismissive that his dry demeanor will be treated as wise as he calmly asks questions and interacts with contestants.

3) Thinks social media is a clandestine tool to weaken humanity for the forthcoming bombardment, and thus has no black marks on his internet record.

4) Confirmed genocidal maniac who has burned planets.  But since he didn’t say anything about trans on Twitter, nobody will care.

5) Provides esoteric enjoyment during the contestant question session as he asks their opinion about drag coefficients on starships.

6) Ups the drama by requiring any contestant with a negative balance to pay the bill, in cash, on screen, as the credits roll.  Or else.

7) Lights a candle and chants a prayer for a few seconds at the beginning every show in honor of Trebek.

8) Will viciously chokeslam any haughty contestant mid-show (you KNOW the type I’m talking about) shattering their spine on the stage floor

9) Dispenses with the need of judges to adjudicate disputes, only HE judges. Objections result in chokeslams.

10) Antics will provide better ratings than any other [insert complete and total loser human here who is not Alex] new host.

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important people, get important awards, say important things

My Guests and I didn’t watch the Oscars and simply don’t care.  We love old movies and old Hollywood.  Now everything sucks.  So we don’t watch, and would rather examine different kinds of beach sand in a laboratory than learn who won.

The Oscars used to be alongside the Super Bowl as a much watch event for the whole country each year.  But that was decades ago.  I can’t fathom a human being who still watches this running joke.  Though I’m sure plenty of decent, good people do so for their own reasons.  Hey we all have our own guilty pleasures, folks!  Mine’s beer, and more beer.

Anyways, we’ve come up with some belligerent guesses on how all this played out:

1) Most of the awards went to obscure arthouse projects and actors for films that almost nobody saw or will ever see

2) The ceremony dragged on for a bloated five plus hours as these self-identified very, very important people stroke their own egos with delicious hot fry oil

3) A celebrity made it a point to show and/or state how rich they are compared to YOU, the poor shit eating masses

4) Various, multiple, one-sided, unneeded, petulant, militant comments were made about the current state of American politics

5) Conversely, no mention was made about China’s current, daily crimes, because Hollywood wants China’s money and supporting evil helps with that

6) One or both Clooney’s offered a remark that made the audience desire to shoot one or both of them into the Sun via giant clown cannon

7) Bogart’s ghost appeared on stage and stated deadpan, “I hate the lot of ya.  You’re not real people.  I wouldn’t ever have a drink with any of ya.”

8) A woman clutched the Oscar statue, and quoted 37 Me Too platitudes, all without understanding the same statue is still held without shame by an acknowledged child girl rapist

9) George Lucas showed up, and tried to get everybody to shake his hand so it could be remembered that he is, in fact, still alive

10) Militant anti-film luddites stormed the stage wielding plastic bats and proclaimed a return to a “Heroic Book Future” before being subjected to tasers

Fin

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adventure game please

So it got put out this week that Bethesda (a Death Star in its own right which recently got swallowed by the even bigger Death Star of Microsoft) has tasked MachineGames to make a new Indiana Jones game.

This could either go either way. If MachineGames can recreate their brilliance of the first three Wolfenstein games this will go great. Or, they could create a piece of garbage like their last game in Youngblood and mortgage any remaining relevance they have in the gaming community.

The last Indiana Jones game of any relevance was 28 freaking years ago with Atlantis. This was a game of its time, and when you go back and look at it, even though you enjoyed it as a kid, it now appears bat shit crazy, silly, and stupid. But at least it was fun.

Wolfenstein was a game where MachineGames could be brooding, dark, and awesome. I hope the Indiana Jones game is both good, and is an adventure game. Something lighthearted and fun, just like what made the movies special.

The coat hanger scene from Raiders quickly comes to mind. Where the evil Nazi guy barges in on Marion and that piece of shit Belloq. Nazi goon’s got a metal bar and they both think this stooge is about to mess them up, but it turns out it’s just a coat hanger. Here’s the video:

What a fun scene. It still makes me smirk, and I’ve seen that scene exactly 147 times.

This is the kind of feeling I’m looking for in the Indiana Jones game. May they not screw this up. Adventure game please.

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everybody died today

The news is a funny thing. Lots going on in the world, but especially people dying. I think today I saw the following people have commuted to Valhalla:

– Sigfried or Roy, I can’t remember which one, but I think this means both are now getting mauled by tigers in Valhalla as drunk mead swilling goons laugh at them

– Some Survivor contestant, which means one of like 3,487 people because for some reason that stupid show still exists

– Some actress that at least a few people have heard of that was on some show or movie I’ve never seen

I think that makes it about 1/5 of the news articles on the front pages of the news I read. I didn’t click on these articles, but there they were, in my face. And I wouldn’t say I read trash news or gossip or celebrity sites. I’ve got my beef with the media, but it’s not like I’m reading TMZ.

I’m not wishing for people to go, and it sucks when anybody dies. Well, unless you’re Hilter, Stalin, a card carrying member of Al Qaeda or ISIS, or if you love & religious profess Crossfit. But it doesn’t mean you deserve front page news when you check out to the next realm.

I mean when like Sean Connery checked out, that’s front page news. Same with Leonard Nimoy. Otherwise, back page please, let check out time come quietly for most.

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Unforgiven – welcome to reality, and misery properly portrayed

Misery on screen is a delicate balance.  Unless the director is insane, it’s a horror movie, a horrible movie, or you happen to be making just about anything modern for HBO or Netflix.  Did you know life is a big meat grinder?  I mean, you could die, like, right now.  Your favorite doggy or kitty is one heartbeat away from Happy Pet Valhalla.  HBO and Netflix are happy to remind of this.

Oh Amazon is in on the game too.  Did you enjoy the fun, excitement, and adventure of the original Avengers or Guardians?  I mean, before superhero films became bloated and impossible to watch noise factories?  Well, don’t worry!  Amazon is here to help you feel awesome with something called The Boys where everybody is evil and human life is expended faster than Zimbabwean currency.

We’ve discussed this concept before.  And we recently rewatched another movie that properly handles misery on screen, and it’s Unforgiven, and it’s a legendary movie.

I haven’t seen the movie in a long time.  It’s way better than I remembered it.  Hell you can’t go too wrong when you get Eastwood, Freeman, Hackman, and Harris on screen.  And with Eastwood behind the camera?  Sold.  Get these four dudes in a movie where they drunkenly argue over which used couch to buy and I’d still adore it.  It totally blows that Harris is gone and that the other three don’t have too many years left.  Fuck Clooney and his toolish modern ilk.  All these modern leading men are con man actors compared to these four masters.

Eastwood goes full on reproduction of his still awesome and classic Western roles.  The tone is a perfect other side of the same coin.  And yet, because Eastwood is a master and not a Hollywood tool, the film doesn’t come across as a pathetic, politically based, beat audience over head with a message disaster.  You can truly love Dollars I and Dollars II for what they are.  And love Unforgiven for what it is.  And you truly enjoy, understand, and agree with the messages of all three movies.

Eastwood will one day be missed as a director, in a way we can’t even imagine yet.  Even Sully, the most basic of plots that has a running time of 43 minutes, is a decent watch and well worth your time.  Eastwood is still directing, he’s gonna die on set.  It’s appropriate, a heroic way for him to go.  I just hope it’s a long, long time from now.