Category Archives: Culture

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The machines aren’t taking over

Next Thursday you get to commute to work drunk, while texting, without even knowing what city you’re in. Because according to people who are smarter (not smarter) than I, self-driving cars are on offer for delivery to your garage (or palace) next week. And self-driving ships are just around the corner too:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-26438661

Except that they’re not. It’s not going to happen. But enjoy all the fun thinking about it.

Two things are going to prevent the machines from taking over our cars, ships, planes, tuk-tuks, and brains.

1) Lawyers

The Children of Satan are going to run these ideas in the ground. If your self-driving car hits another car who pays? You? Them? The program coder? Your car? Your ex-wife? Think you can answer this question? You probably can, you’re an intelligent person. The problem is you don’t have enough money or influence to buy the votes that will write the laws that govern this. And they’ll screw it up. The dispute resolution process is going to be more complicated than a twelve year old explaining to you how to do long division again.

2) Cash

In order for the concept of self-driving hunks of steel to actually work, they have to achieve widespread use. Otherwise it’s just a fluke for rich assholes. I can buy my own jet car but that doesn’t change humanity. Nobody’s going to have the cash to buy these things. The freaks will claim that over time the costs will come down and your local grocery bagger can buy one too. They’re lying. Personal desktop computers were around for thirty years before the smartphone obliterated them from dominance. During that time their prices were consistently $1K-$2K depending on your desired model. If the freaks have shown anything, it’s that the cost of their technology won’t be coming down.

And in any case, why bother? Who cares? So cars and ships are more efficient driving themselves? So we can drink beer or check our e-mail while our car drives itself? Your car’s still going to sit in traffic whether you’re in control or not. The plane will still take off and land regardless of who’s up front. But driverless cars are safer! Yep, sure they are, and my computer never crashes. Ever.

So automated technology will displace humans so they can do what? The freaks will tell you that it frees the human mind to do other things. So the deck seaman on the Maersk container ship is going to become an artist or entrepreneur or something? Yeah, good luck with that.

It all just feels like a waste. Where do we draw the line and say, thanks machines, but this is ours because we’re alive and not non-sentient plants. Shall we allow the freaks to get the machines to cook us dinner, read to our kids, scratch our backs too? Sooner or later we’re going to have to remember that we’re freaking alive.

The author of this blog still looks up directions (yes, online, okay) and writes them on a small sheet of paper before leaving in his pocket car. If I get lost, oh well. At least it allows me to know where the hell I am over time. When you’re just having your smartphone tell you where to turn, maybe you’d better hope it drives you off a bridge. Best to enjoy life and do things for yourself. You’re not going to be here much longer anyways.

ship

Hello humans, my name is Ship, and I’m so very, very boring.

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You’re too stupid to know better

Put your trust in strangers.  They’ve never met you.  They know nothing about you.  But they know what’s best for you right?  If only you were as smart as them, you’d live a longer, happier, and more fulfilling life.  Except if you got cleaved in half in a monstrous car wreck on the way to work one July morning, but I guess that’s beside the point.

You don’t really feel what you’re doing is wrong, you’re just living your life.  Or maybe you do feel that what you’re doing is wrong, and you do it anyways.  Why?  For a whole bunch of reasons.  Maybe you want it.  Maybe you need it.  Maybe you just don’t give a shit.  Either way you’re an adult who can make his or her own decisions right?  Well, no.  Why?  Because there are other adults who have decided it is their mission in life to think for you.  What’s that?  [pause]  Oh, you’re not prepared to obey?  Well fuck you.

Today the Los Angeles City Council, which is apparently too busy to tackle important issues in their city (such as why they still don’t have an NFL team) decided they needed to vote new laws that treat e-cigarettes like regular cigarettes.

The vote was 14-0.  Yes friends, 14 to zero.  You probably couldn’t get these 14 meatbags to agree on the time of day, but they’ll vote unanimous when it comes to controlling your behavior.

http://www.latimes.com/local/lanow/la-me-ln-los-angeles-ecigarettes-ban-20140304,0,4359853.story#axzz2v2du1RPZ

I’m trying really, really hard to wrap my brain around this one without resorting to intellectual violence.  So I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt that they all voted along these lines for two reasons:

a) They genuinely believe their vote will keep people healthy

b) They banned e-cigarettes because they have the word cigarette in their name

Wait no, that isn’t the case at all.  They voted along these lines because they:

c) Want to control how you think, especially if that helps them accomplish bullet (a) and they could not care less of the consequences of their actions

The most transparent statement came from Council President Wesson.  Herb smoked for decades and then stopped because he’d determined his habit, “would almost certainly kill him one day”.  So Herb made a choice, on his own (and/or with some help), to quit smoking.  But what he’s saying with his vote is that the average smoker is not intelligent enough to make the same judgment on his or her own.  Herb decided he must vote a law that makes that choice for other people.  Now I bet Herb is truly trying to do the right thing, but he’s wrong.

Are e-cigarettes as healthy as pure spring water?  Why no, far from it.  Are they better for your body than regular cigarettes?  Of course.  A step down is a step down.  But to me, this is really about more than that.  What the Los Angeles City Council is saying is the same thing that hundreds of other government and private bodies have said over the past hundred or so years:

“You’re too stupid to know better.  So we’ll tell you what to think by making it illegal.”

Thus we get the laws and society we live in today.  In this idiot’s opinion, it isn’t worth it.  I would legalize it all, everything.  Want to drink bleach?  Go right ahead.  Want to smoke?  Let me get you a light.  Want to sniff cocaine?  Let me get you a clean razor blade.

Now this is extreme.  Would I really do this?  No.  I’d probably say something like, “Hey [insert name here], let’s talk this out.”  Those of you out there who are enforcers would say that’s the point of these laws.  The Council voted that way to take these situations out of the equation.  Your humble blog author won’t have to talk people out of it because it’ll all be illegal.  Oh, I see, so how’s that working out for us with say, cocaine, or weed?

1) When the government  and/or a corporation are in the business of telling you what you can or cannot put in your body, there is no limit to how far they can go.

2) If we’re at the point where people feel they must order you on what you can do with your own body, freedom doesn’t exist.

I know what I’m saying.  I understand the danger of what I’m advocating.  I’ve known people (some very close friends & family) addicted to cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, Arcturus meth dust, and so on.  But if you’re an adult (nothing I’m saying applies to kids) you’re self-aware enough to make these decisions for yourself.  And if or you die in a back row townhome via a crack overdose or you die of lung cancer when you’re 45?  Oh well.  You made the call.  Live with it or not.

The government and/or a corporation could probably help you get kick the addiction, if you’re willing.  Think of all the good people could do with all the mental energy and physical resources society spends on prevention and incarceration if we spent it instead on treatment?  The American DEA spends $3 billion a year to fail at its mission, let’s start with them.

Legalize it all.  Take the control of your life out of the hands of strangers.  You’re intelligent enough.  Either way, it’s your right to decide for yourself.

Vampire

Please trust me to tell you what’s best.  Honestly, I know better.  You can trust this face.

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Get ready to pay to breathe air

Should you have to pay to park at a hospital to visit a family member?  Your answer is probably no.  But you’ll have to do it, unless you’re already doing it, in which case I feel your pain.  Welcome friends, to the new era where even your very darkest moments are a commodity worthy of exploitation by a spreadsheet metric that determines an increase of 0.47% per quarter is worth overpowering that basic human value:  “In general, try to treat your neighbor as you’d like to be treated.”

Here’s another delightful example that even the most grizzled Arcturan enforcer would find abhorrent.  Jennette’s Pier in Nags Head, North Carolina, USA has existed since 1939.  You’ve had to pay to fish, crab, or hold parties on it.  But since its creation you could at least walk on the damn thing for free.  This masterpiece is owned by the state of North Carolina but managed by a private entity, a true match made in hell.  Now you have to pay $2 just to walk on it.  Remember strolling down that [insert anything here] with your family as a child, all those good times, the memories that last forever?  Well fuck you!  So a cherished one-hundred year tradition falls victim to the new basic human value:  “Where possible, be a dick.”

Easy payment of things with your smartphone or future brain chip is real fun and trouble-free right?  It won’t be.  When all you have to do is waive your future brain phone against a machine to extract payment directly from your bank account in a fraction of a second?  Well friends, you’re going to pay just so you can expel carbon dioxide.  Your local, state, and federal government(s) are going to get in on it too.  Don’t think your taxes are enough, your local deputy-under-assistant city planner needs new boots.  It’s so easy that everybody is going to charge you money to do everything.

Want to => quick pay please

-Cover charge to enter a high traffic public urban zone on foot $5

-Enter a public park with your family $2

-Park at a hospital $5

-Retrieve your mail $1

-Walk hand-in-hand with your significant other on a pier that’s existed for 100 years $2

-Watch your kid’s game from the stands $3

-Observe the sunset from a popular location $5

-Retrieve your e-mail $1

-Call to speak with your local government for assistance with anything $1

-Drive on any road, anywhere $6

-Pick somebody up from the airport curbside $4

-Consult with a deity $0.02

Think I’m crazy?  Well, that’s true, but as discussed, it’s already started to happen.  Enjoy it, because there’s nothing you can do to stop it.

Businessman-computer

“Yeah, we have a lot of money, but you don’t understand, we need more, and you’re going to give it to us.  (chuckles)  [pause]  Yes, I understand, but what are you going to do about?  [pause]  Ah, no, no, you’re going to pay, trust me.”

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Internet – You’ll miss the Wild West one day

One of the greatest films ever made (according to me; which means it’s fact) is The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance.  There’s a lot going on in this film both on and beneath the surface, but suffice to say one of the main themes is how a newly modern America comes to terms with its myths, specifically that of the Wild West.

One day, they’re going to make a great film where we all fondly remember what it was like when the internet was the Wild West.  It’ll star Ashton Kutcher as the grizzled, wrinkled, impotent (literally) internet coder who goes back home (Zip Code 94027) only to shock the news robots (human journalists will be extinct due to incompetence and bias) with his tales of how the internet probably wasn’t the anarchy everybody thought.  Like Jimmy Stewart, the robots will print the legend.

Look, the internet was developed by the government, for the government.  Then a bunch of university scientists, funded by the government, started to play around with it.  Drug fueled freaks turned it into a product the normal human could use.  Then corporations got their claws into it but could never completely get the freaks to give it up and thus we roughly see the tool we use today.

What’s different now is that the corporations are taking over.  The government and the freaks are losing power.  Why?  Mostly cash, mostly.  Money buys other corporations, lobbyists (votes), and shapes the images you see every day.  The freaks lost out because they wanted cash too, more cash than dirty oil barons.  The government was run over due to the aforementioned vote buying.  Your local representative doesn’t know how to spell the word broadband, but will vote however Verizon instructs him if it means he gets to lick one more cigar with an $800 bill.

Think it’s a coincidence that Comcast and Netflix signed an agreement (terms are unavailable for the public because Satan probably gave the notary) just days after Comcast decided to corner nearly half of America’s available broadband market?  If you think so, you deserve a personal donation to medical science.  Most people will claim it doesn’t matter because they are too stupid to care or they will argue the market takes care of itself.  Well, maybe.

Here’s a thought though, the internet is more important than roads, buildings, the telephone, or even the air.  If the freaks get what they want, your car, your thermostat, even your freaking heart will all one day be online.  Feel comfortable turning all that over to the corporations that have rigged the game in their favor?  I don’t.

Don’t agree with me?  One day you will.  And even though it’s a legend, you’ll still miss the internet’s Wild West.

xfinity-comcast-logo-144437

“We find your heart’s broadband percentages too burdensome to our network.  Thus, make peace with your maker.”

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The truth shall rob you blind

Per the guidance of my previous post, I watched the Super Bowl last night, but only because I genuinely enjoy football.  Sadly, we did not receive the good game we’d all hoped for.  Unless you live in Seattle, or became a fair-weather Seahawks fan in the last five weeks, you likely did not enjoy the game.  Do you know what else you did not relish?  A series of terrible, over-thought, pathetic commercials.

If you disagree and desire to make the case that the world’s advertising and marketing geniuses (hereafter Assholes) did a great job, then you either:

a)  Can be sold a bill of goods by a degenerate leprechaun

b)  Were not sitting in a room of twenty diverse people, like me, who also agreed that the commercials did not deliver

The highlight of the night’s failures were the fools at Maserati.  What better way to get people to buy your car and improve your image than by broadcasting to an audience of which 99.99% cannot purchase your item.  I don’t think Maserati understands how deeply they have damaged their brand.  In my room, several people speculated that Maserati’s goal was in fact to produce a big “fuck you” to average citizens who could not obtain their car, and thus increase the chances that somebody who could afford their car would buy it to get in on the “fuck you peasant” cause.  This one feedback loop about sums up the evening.

It occurred to me just before halftime (when it was clear only one team was playing football) that the commercials were trending along a few major themes:

1)  Blatant and shameless American patriotism

“If you buy this item, you love freedom and democracy.  If you buy from our competitors, you’re Hitler.”

2)  It’s happy time

“If you buy our item, you’ll be as happy as these people you see on your screen.  If you don’t buy from us, you’ll end up offing yourself in the bathroom with a shampoo bottle shard, alone, and very afraid.”

3)  Wacky, so very wacky

“Our item is so off the wall that only the most sane, rational, and smart person (you) would agree to buy such a thing.  You’re hip, and if you buy this stuff, you’ll be at the cutting edge.  Nobody truly gets us (and the new ‘thing’) better than you.”

4)  The epic production

“See how our commercial is like a movie trailer?  When you buy our item, it’ll be like you’re in a movie.  Let our dramatic music and pristine cinematography (and the item you’ll buy) distract you from your otherwise pathetic horror movie life.”

And then I read this over coffee:

 

http://www.economist.com/news/business/21595412-brands-are-finding-it-hard-adapt-age-scepticism-we-want-be-your-friend

 

Oh my, where do I start?

I guess to me it’s simple.  And truly, this line is equally applicable to politicians:

–  When you treat the average human like they’re idiots, don’t be surprised when they hate you, and generally don’t do as you ask.

A normal adult desires to be treated as such.  When you fall short of that goal, you’re going to get resistance.  People desire the respect of others, particularly from folks who want their votes or money. 

Here’s an idea?  Just be honest.  Don’t lay it out as a scheme, a gimmick, or anything fancy.  Put a freaking guy in front of a white wall and have him explain why your product is awesome.  At the very least get some class back into the game.

As an example, the Economist article refers to Dominos’ recent advertising campaigns.  How interesting, Dominos came up in my room last night.  Why?  The comment(s) were that they liked Dominos poking fun at their past failures, promising to fix it for the customer, and then (here’s the kicker) actually delivering on their guarantee of improved quality.  Wow!  This is Asshole rocket science.  It’s almost like the Assholes at Dominos can see through time and disobey the laws of the universe!

Asking for the truth can be a dangerous thing.  What politician is going to actually tell you they don’t understand the law they just voted for, they only did it because they had to pay back a lobbyist?  No Asshole is actually going to say they’d like you to buy their above average tested product with a small or large markup because they need to increase their share value.  And in the end, even if you liked the honesty you got, you’d still be out one vote or some cash.  But somewhere there is a balance. 

As to yesterday, speaking of peering through time, I have a vision, of last night’s Assholes staring in revulsion at the shit they allowed to hit the air.  Then the medieval CEO claps, whispers, and grown men are dragged away to the woods for failing their feudal master.

grancabrio-mc_07

Isn’t our car awesome!  Too bad you’ll never buy it, pig!

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Super Bowl – If you don’t watch it, they’ll kick you off the team

As with every Super Bowl build up, tis the season to hear experts tell you why so many members of the planetary club will watch the game tomorrow.  These pundits, who by the way are paid to tell you what they think (so you will think what they think), will offer a number of reasons.

When you hear that one guy claim that people will watch it simply because everybody else does, listen to that person, because they know what they’re talking about.  And then get their name and network and post it as a comment on this web-zone so that I know who stole my idea.

This post carries a lot of statistics.  They say there are lies, damn lies, and statistics.  But what they left out is if a statistic comes from me, it’s always true.  I acquired them through the most refined, delicate research process known to man.  It cost me the entire monthly operating budget for this blog to achieve these results.  So you make sure to enjoy it.

Last year’s Super Bowl was watched by 111 million American viewers.  Two weeks ago 47 million watched the AFC Championship game while the NFC game carried 42 million.  Assuming similar numbers for tomorrow, what’s to account for this 60 million disparity?

We can all assume that those who truly care about football would watch two of the biggest games of the year right?  So why are 60 million meat-bags who don’t care about football watching the game?  As stated above, it’s because everybody else is watching.  What’s up with that?  Who cares?  If 100 million people were watching jai-alai in the Cayman Islands I wouldn’t watch it.  Except that I probably would; the whole thing.

Here’s a very profound statement (it came to me in a dream last night):  The average human wants to be a part of something.  They want in on the team.  When you show up at the Keurig station on Monday morning (water coolers are apparently for Commie-Nazis) you don’t want to be the only person who didn’t see at least one play the prior night.  Or who saw that wacky commercial.  By the way, buy things, lots of things!  Spend money now!  NOW!

The growing dispersion of entertainment sources is well known and written about constantly so we won’t discuss it here, at least until later.  But these figures show you how rare an occurrence a water cooler moment is now:

–  I Love Lucy was routinely watched by over half, yes half, of people who owned a television

–  Today the highest ratio is around 20%, by Sunday night football or NCIS

–  But NCIS, the number one show, averages only 21 million viewers a night

–  Seinfeld averaged over 30 million viewers for the last four years of its run

–  There are 40 million more Americans today than when Seinfeld ended

This is all a very slow way of saying that we the human race no longer watch the same things anymore.  Except for very rare events like tomorrow you are generally not going to be able to share the moments your grandparents and parents did with the population.  You may wonder why this matters to the public?

I offer the topic of festivus.  Seinfeld ended almost 15 years ago.  Yet how often did you hear somebody of advanced age bring up festivus a few weeks ago?  And then somebody else joined in on the joke.

It’s the idea that there’s something special to you and that from nowhere you can bring up a moment that made you laugh, cheer, tense, or cry.  Then at any point in your day, somebody you hardly know can share that moment with you.  It establishes a connection of thought and emotion between humans that is rarely shared.  You wouldn’t let these people walk your dog; but you’ll share that flash with them every chance you get.

Now is the growing absence of these moments a problem?  For two reasons, I don’t particularly think so.

First, we can still generate enough big events to keep us tied together:  online videos that get billions of views, Super Bowl, alien invasion leader broadcast, whatever.

Second, when you look back at human history, we’ve only had the capability to generate these moments for less than a century.  You think subsistence farmers got to read or watch the same thing in the millions?  There was The Bible, but I don’t think we place that in the same category.

We’ve survived this long by relying not on entertainment to establish our links with fellow creatures; but by generating those special moments through each other.  Through connections we create based not on what we watched, but on who we are.

So, a slight suggestion for those who don’t care about football.  Don’t watch it.  They’ll kick you off the team, but you don’t want in on that team anyways.  Make your own.

I_Love_Lucy_1955

Watched by more people than the Korean War.