Hopefully by the time anybody reads this nonsense post their office Christmas experiences will be long over and the weekend has begun. Which is fine, you can table this for next year. I’m sure you’ll remember it. The brilliance on display within this blog is considered timeless. My dogs swear by it. Why would they lie? It’s not like they’re entirely dependent upon me for food or anything.
At the new gig, I’ve discovered it’s pretty standard for folks to pass around Christmas cards along with a little piece of chocolate or whatever. This kind of caught me off guard. I’ve never seen this occur at any other job I’ve held. At first I was a bit off put as I’m quite the introvert, but over time I’ve come to somewhat get behind this idea. It’s a nice touch of positive energy in an otherwise ground down current planetary status.
I didn’t participate this year as I hadn’t planned on anything. Plus I don’t really have much of a family to put on the card. My dogs won’t sit still for eight seconds. So a camera shot would not work unless I partially sedated them.
I also think my brain is still stuck in the beat down mindset of my last job, which was a mess of a place that I hated. And I wondered, what kind of cynical card I could hand out to all them, my former coworkers.
Well, I’m glad you asked! You can use these next year, if you hate your work as much as I did. Just to spice things up. Oh my. This is the part where a post goes off the usual rails. I mean, again. [claps hands in empty room]
Audience: The Perky Talker
Gift: A small vial of pure dust.
My Handwritten Caption: “Great news! Just 12 days left that you have to survive to make it through another year where you’ve foregone your future bleached skeleton status.”
Audience: The In Your Face Trump Supporter
Gift: A Miniature Jester’s Hat
My Handwritten Caption: “You’ve been had. You’re not going to get anything you want for Christmas. The swamp will not be drained. You’re not getting a wall. Your own children no longer believe in Santa. Congrats. :(”
Audience: The In Your Face Hilary Supporter
Gift: A One Dollar Bill
My Handwritten Caption: “You’ve been had. Your Christmas is ruined. But she’ll still spend hers within the torturous confines of her $27.3M mansion. Please find enclosed this $1 bill which you can light a cigarette with. To experience what she does when she does the same with a $1K bill and a $10K cigar. Joy. :(”
Audience: The Tyrannical Boss
Gift: An Authentic Nazi Broche You Procured from a Fifth Rate Bulgarian Arms Dealer
My Handwritten Caption: “Since 1941, the term ‘Nazi Party USA’ has been available for use via copyright. I think you have what it takes to return it to its days of former glory. Just be sure to post your efforts via Facebook. I’ll friend you explicitly for that purpose.”
Audience: The Clueless Boss’s Boss
Gift: A Handwritten Hardbound Copy of the Office’s Own Basic Policy
My Handwritten Caption: “I’d ask you to pick a card, any card, but honestly, it doesn’t matter which one. Just pick any of them, the result is the same.”
Audience: The Kind Middle Aged Mother
Gift: A Chocolate
My Handwritten Caption: “Merry Christmas to you and your family!”
Audience: The Beaten Coworker
Gift: A Resume Writing Guide
My Handwritten Caption: “Don’t worry, Brother, it can only get worse from here.”
Audience: The CEO
Gift: A Baseball Bat
My Handwritten Caption: “Have you considered a profitable future venture within the Bangladeshi garment trade?”
Audience: Jesus (mailed to his castle in Hawaii)
My Handwritten Caption: “They say you suffered as we did, but then, you never experienced a cubicle. But then again, they didn’t have beer back then either, so I guess we’re even.”
Merry Christmas, friends!