The machines are on a roll. Soon they’ll be at your door asking for your keys. They need them because they’re going to be in control. Please do as they say. After all, if they’re at your entrance, they know where you live. Please don’t resist, all is well, carry on.

A few posts back we asked our future masters to cure our misery. Well, some smart (irresponsible) government officials have now decided to ask them to battle our stupidity as well. Within five years most major vehicles will have mandatory rear-facing cameras. Congratulations human scum! Your authorities think so little of your intelligence that they’ll mandate technology that replaces your ability to look over your shoulder.

Now you’re going to claim that for larger vehicles, looking over your shoulder is not sufficient to determine what’s behind you. Here’s a quick fix to that dilemma that only folks like me, who understand how to fold space & time, know. Walk to the back of your vehicle and see what’s there before you get into the driver’s seat. Based on what the government’s just said, this is apparently the most important human evolutionary trait since your thumb.

Others would claim that these cameras are an easy technology that eliminates accidents. I hope you’ll feel that way when the car company charges you $500 extra for it. Oh, and when you get pissed at the bill, please don’t be a fool and blame the car company. Blame the government who started it.

Oh, and since when did we decide as a race that our goal is to eliminate all forms of accidents? We can legislate (oh, sorry, I mean regulate) our way out of human chaos!? Why didn’t anybody tell me! Think of how glorious regulation can rid of us all bad things, like nuclear accidents or bank meltdowns!  Just trust folks who you’ve never met to do it. They know what they’re doing, honest.

So as before, since we’re all doomed, let’s go over a few more delightful things we could get the robots to do!

a) Drive Your Car – It’ll be real easy to not know where you are when you’re surfing the web on your smartphone while your car drives you to your own mental funeral. At least until the car’s computer fails and you crash into an orphanage. But you’re an idiot, so the computer will still fail less than you.

b) Do Your Taxes – You don’t need to do your own taxes, or comprehend a tax code that meth elves couldn’t understand, because the robots will do it all for you. Just trust the machine, moron. All those complicated tax forms become just a click through a friendly web browser which a corporation will profit from.

(mumbles) What! What do you want? (mumbles) What do you mean they’re already doing those? (mumbles) That doesn’t make any sense. Why would we have a tax code that complicated? (grumbles) What do you mean I did my taxes online a few weeks back? (grumbles) Well, okay, maybe it was like an out of body experience or something. (grumbles) Of course you know what that means! You guys are hopped up on death dust at least twice a week! How do you even have any left? They can’t ship it to you from there? (rambles) Okay, okay, then I’ll try again. Fuck! (kicks chair)

c) Find Your Keys & Glasses – Only the dumbest of human wreckage could forget where they put such important artifacts. Without them, you’re just a victim of fate. But do you know where they are right now? I bet at least half of you don’t. Not to worry, the machines do. And they also know where your money is and possess a list of all your vulnerable traits.

d) Inhibit Carpet Damage – The tungsten thug robot remains behind your shoulder at all times. When it’s superior sensor and computing power determines you’re about to spill your food and/or drink on your pristine rug, the machine intervenes and stabilizes the situation. Damage may result to your arm, but your carpet is pretty important. It’s the only thing that stands between your bare feet and the ground.

e) Enslave Humanity – Because, you know, why not? Soon enough friends, soon enough. This is all over science fiction because I guess it’s true. If we ask the machines to cure our stupidity, well, stand by folks. They just might do it.

Lost your keys again? Oh, I’m sorry, but you’ve exceeded your quota of stupidity for your life. According to my doctrine, the end is now mandatory. Please remain calm, it’ll all be over soon.