Soon there will be 129 streaming services, somewhat close to the number of core cable channels I suppose. But at $5.99 each month per service, your new streaming bill will be $772.71 per month for them all. Please save ahead of time so your bank account doesn’t go into the red.
So don’t think for a second all the media companies are upset that cable is dying. Not even a decade or so ago nine out of ten Americans had cable. Within the year I bet it’ll be less than half. But media companies are making more money than ever (except for live sports) so it all works out for them.
And so now CNN is in on the game. In America you can watch all their programs, but not live news. The international version gets live news. Because the last thing people know CNN for is live news. You could spend time with such intellectual heavyweights like Wolf Blizter or Anderson Cooper on their talk shows, two arrogant empty suit guys who have contributed less to the goodness of America than your local jury duty foreman during any equivalent time period.
Uh, there’s some food stuff on there. Because I guess CNN thinks food will sell. But Bordain’s dead, so they’ve lost that brilliance. So I guess they’ll pull some other person out of the woodwork, like some celebrity to talk about food. Umm, I think they have a bunch of documentaries hosted by people they picked off a spreadsheet based on their political beliefs and skin color.
Um, they do some history stuff every now and then. Like they had that series that covered each decade. But that was shallow, pandering, and sucked. So, um, [furrows brow] what preciously is there for CNN to stream, without live news? If I were them, they should just throw a puppy on screen with a ball of yarn. Though they can’t do that because Animal Planet already has a $4.99 a month service exclusively covering puppies playing with objects.
Would it be too earnest of us to ask the aliens to just get on with it? I mean I know the invasion target date is 2037, but what’s the point in waiting?