we do epic battle with the dentist’s office

Let’s face it, it’s not likely I’ll have to prevent the local Denny’s from being overrun by zombies or some kind of unhinged coked out dragon.  Either of these options would be great, but generally I don’t walk around town carrying firearms or a mythic sword.  Instead, I’m just a loser who has to make do with surviving an otherwise routine visit to the dentist’s office.

A visit where you, the customer, are a cog in an increasingly profit driven machine where you’re herded through the dentist experience like human cattle with brutal efficiency.  The era of the single family dentist practice is dead, replaced by (like many things in our society) a system that values / tracks profit per minute, and return to investors over anything approaching actual medicine.  And you better believe more is better, because more means they get to bill the insurance company more, and more is better, because more is more money.

– X-rays: Didn’t we just do those six months ago?  I don’t think bone changes that fast unless I get punched in the face in the interim.  Which didn’t happen.  X-rays again.  Umm, okay.

– 3D scan of teeth: It feels like they’re jamming a caulk gun down your throat.  Hey you know what an awesome 3D scan of my teeth really is?  It’s called a mirror.  I see a 3D scan of my teeth every day.

– Divine offering: They felt the need to stop the visit for 15 minutes to make an offering (via a slaughtered bird) to Vlarbungard, the Norse God of Teeth, Pine Needles, and Hand Craftsmanship Using Driftwood.  I found this to be a rather odd experience.

– Water pick thing: This damn thing sets off my gums like a fire alarm.  Maybe I have sensitive sissy gums.  But I’m so desperate to get the fuck out the place as fast as possible I don’t complain.  I just endure the pain in hopes it’ll all end soon.  There’s probably a metaphor for life or cooking or whatever in this experience somewhere.

– Dry pick: But, the suffering was entirely in vain (metaphor).  Because they still broke out the dry pick anyways and used that damn thing for quite a while.  Were the majority of the Gestapo’s master torturers dentist school wash outs?  Without any research I have determined the answer is yes.

– Floss: After all that they have to floss me, what the fuck is this?  I think they just do it to encourage people to floss more on their own.  We won’t, we just won’t, stop asking us to do it.

– Dognapping: The tech came by and showed me a photograph (what’s that?) of my dog with today’s local newspaper.  My dog was holding (somehow) a sign that said: “I have 12 minutes to live.  Don’t you love me?”  At which point I was invited to spend more money on a fluoride treatment like $50 out of pocket because insurance won’t cover it (probably because it’s a scam).  I stared at the wall and said nothing.  I know my dog, by now the kidnappers have had their necks broken.

– Polish: I remember the polishing stuff used to have fruity flavors, or mint flavor.  Now it tastes like doctor’s office scum.  I’m not really into gum, or fruity flavors, I just point this out because I’m sure the polish with mint costs the dentist office 6 cents more per procedure.  So it had to go.

– Daydreams while teeth are under assault: I’m rewatching TNG, god the new Star Trek shows suck so badly.  Picard is an android now?  I guess?  WTF?  The makers of Picard and Discovery should be imprisoned.  TNG was made in like 1991, 30 years ago.  It’s superior to 98% of television made today.

– Doctor: The techs and hygienists do all the work.  The dentist comes in for like 37 seconds and then leaves.  Dude has to do this 137 times a day.  He has no real job.  I’d be ashamed if I was him, that is until the paycheck cleared.  The dentist needs a third boat.

– History: I’m reading John Adams.  You know what really sucks?  Living in an era without actual dentists.  The Founding Fathers all had garbage teeth, and they were at the pinnacle of society.  Can’t imagine what the average farmer put up with.  I think for almost all of human existence not the last 150 years people’s teeth were a constant source of pain and suffering.

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