TAP’s militant Super Bowl predictions

– Aaron Donald and Von Miller will run wild as supermen as they utterly demolish a Bengals offensive line that’s thinner than the transparent candy plastic foolishly passed around this Monday

– Al Michaels and Chris Collinsworth provide what sadly could be their last broadcast together as one of the only tag teams that doesn’t include a network tool hack or an insane manic tape bot man

– The NFL will put in so much pro military jingoistic glam that it’ll make a North Korea parade look like a C grade kindergarten graduation production

– The NFL (and the Rams) will try very, very, very desparately to once again convince Los Angeles (and everyone else) that Los Angeles actually cares about the NFL (which the city does not)

– Per the above, expect there to be more hardcore Bengals fans than Rams in the stadium forcing Keg Stand Stafford to go silent count, which should be fine as he’s done it for weeks now

– Roger Goodell and Stan Kroenke on camera lick their cigars with $10,000 bills, punch an orphan urchin in the face, and stare directly at the camera while mouthing four letter words, and gets away with it; then they start to make out with each other

– Sean McVay runs a lot around the sidelines in his best impersonation of an LA meth addict

– Zac Taylor continues his impersonation of a 12 year old Ivy league school candidate good lil boy

– OBJ continues his mature turn around whereas somehow this man actually now appears quite sane all the time

– Kupp and Chase achieve godhood, become co-emperors of all humanity after game regardless of outcome

– Joe Burrow will lose (see prediction #1), but it will not impede his future ability to win between like 2-4 Super Bowls in the future

– Since the Rams don’t have another draft pick until 2029, this will be their last Super Bowl for a long, long, long time, LA will not notice (see prediction #4)

– Hopefully a good time will be had by all

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