Monthly Archives: September 2014

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A handy translation of Comcast’s talking points

It can be awfully hard to decipher what public relations hacks are saying. So we’ve broken down the language into something that a normal person can understand. We’re here to help. It’s what we do. Even if by helping we make things a lot worse.

We pulled this text directly from Comcast. So you know it’s good. We start with what they said. And then we translate it as only my guests can. They understand Comcast well. They grew up with its methods and attitude.

1) “Comcast and Netflix team up to provide customers with excellent user experience”

We extorted Netflix to pay us cash so we wouldn’t destroy their service quality. Since they’ve paid us our fucking money, which you’ll soon pay them, we’re happy to provide the consumer with such an excellent Netflix experience.

2) “If you’re an Xfinity TV Digital customer, take advantage of Free Channel Week – week-long unlimited access to a huge collection of live and On Demand cable and premium TV content, including thousands of TV shows and movies from more than 30 channels.”

Like all these free channels, eh? Next month you’ll pay for them; whether you like it or not. Ah, you’ll not pay for them, or go with another cable provider? Eat shit.

3) “Comcast Offers Up to Six Months of Complimentary Internet Service and an Amnesty Program for
Low-Income Families”

Our low-income family program is the most cynical, patronizing effort in existence. If we did business in the 1930’s, we’d give six months of free cable to German Jews whilst bribing the Nazi State to favor our business model. Then we’d sell enhanced data services to the SS to they could effectively crunch numbers necessary to implement a solution to one of their perceived problems. All these poor people, we’re giving them free cable now, so that later we can viciously increase their rates once our monopoly is fully in place. What are they going to do, sue us? They don’t have any money.

4) “Attention educators, community partners and civic leaders: See how you can play an important role in bringing affordable Internet home to more people.”

Attention educators, community partners and civic leaders: See how you can get bribed by us in order to bring affordable internet home to more people. You love gold, right? We do too. Help us give you money so we can fuck those who desperately require affordable internet in order to compete in the new knowledge based global economy.

5) “The process is underway in earnest and we’ve got many states and local communities to already approve of the transfer,”

We’ve bribed every single fucking person who matters. If we lose, don’t think they won’t pay for it. We’re doing this in the clear and getting away with it. We’ve even got our lobbyist running the government organization making this vital monopoly decision. We’re just that damn good. If you don’t like it, move to Mexico. We’re the most openly evil corporation since the guys currently selling 55-gallon barrels to the Assad Regime.

Or maybe this is what Comcast really meant to say:

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/c38fb80a0d/comcast-doesn-t-give-a-f-ck

brian_roberts_comcast

Potentially the most powerful man in America; whether you like it or not

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How not to win a protest

Attention Occupy Central, this isn’t going to work. Mass civil protests do not usually succeed when you live in a country without a civil society. If the Reds killed you all tomorrow, what do you think the rest of the world would do? Protest? Sanction Red China?

It’s not going to happen. The entire planet’s iPhone 6s are made there. This is apparently a strategic industry more valuable than oil, gold, or rhino horns. Nobody’s going to help you. The Earth’s people need that phone. They use it to talk to their friends, watch drunk cat videos, and read shitty blog posts produced by idiots.

By clogging up the streets you’ve given the Reds the chance to paint you as obstructionist lunatics. And they can just wait you out. The election’s not until 2017. Eventually you’re going to have to shower, use the bathroom, or pay the bills somehow. When you leave, the Reds will just carry on with the same plan as if nothing happened.

The way we see this you have two legit options:

1) Start burning the city now in a reckless attempt to provoke a wider civil war

2) Calmly & methodically negotiate with your Communist masters; and use the power of freedom & justice to progressively expose their fraud-hack-dictatorship over many decades until they collapse

As much as we’d enjoy watching the chaos of the former option, we strongly endorse the latter as your best bet.

hk29sep

They won’t need gunfire, it’ll get cold soon enough

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It’s time to control the lives of celebrities so they can’t control us

Have you ever met a real famous celebrity? I sure hope so, because at least then you’d have been face-to-face with someone who’s trying to order you how to live.

A United Nations event that hosts world leaders is also apparently a time for a bunch of famous actors to get together and dictate to humanity. Because since they have so much money and fame, it gives them the right to tell those poorer and less famous than them (all of us) what’s right and wrong with our lives.

If any of you want to make the argument that the United Nations is a legitimate organization to be taken seriously, I invite you to now make that point. When the Secretary General is seated next a 24 year old girl whose only life qualification is that she’s a prominent actress.

So the media (not actual journalists) have deemed Emma Watson’s speech more awe-inspiring than anything ever uttered by, oh say Eleanor Roosevelt. Emma’s got it in her mind to rebrand feminism. Ah, I see, she wants to remind the other half of the human race that:

“… fighting for women’s rights has too often become synonymous with man-hating..”

Well Emma, what would ever give us that opinion? Perhaps when you say things like:

“If men don’t have to be aggressive, women won’t be compelled to be submissive. If men don’t need to control, women won’t have to be controlled.”

Hey Emma, I don’t know you, maybe you’re an awesome person and mean well. But you know what, we men who are not rapist-drunk-beating-assholes don’t enjoy being constantly called “aggressive” lunatics hell-bent on making women “submissive” via “control”. 

If you have a problem that feminism has become synonymous with “man-hating”, maybe you should start by proofreading your own speech.

Next up to the arrogant plate was none other than everybody’s favorite man-child Leo DiCaprio, aka the coolest, sexiest man since Achilles. Leo wants to make sure you’re called to action over climate change. 

You see, Leo’s very upset that you don’t care about the climate because your world economy’s been under recession for nearly a decade and you’re distracted by silly things like war. Wars the UN apparently can’t solve. I guess the UN’s too busy scheduling press conferences for celebrities?

As summarized by humanity’s second favorite man-child, Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon:

The UN secretary general Ban ki Moon said the actor’s global stardom was the perfect match for the global challenge posed by climate change.

Mr DiCaprio’s first duty in his new role will be to address the opening of the climate summit later this month in New York. 

Please to note the words “global stardom” was the descriptive qualification chosen as to why Leo should tell us what we can and cannot do.

Hey folks, did you hear! Leo’s selling his mansion(s) and all his fancy cars. He’s going to reduce his carbon footprint to the point that it’s commensurate with normal people (us). How honorable of him! We love you, Leo! You’ll lead us the promised land in a timeline/set-of-actions determined by you and only you. We’ll follow!

I mean, if he didn’t sell all his stuff, and instead just kept all his millions and his carbon footprint that’s forty-seven times larger than the average person, it’d make him a vicious-hypocrite. So you know he’ll do it, right?

leo_ban_ki_moon

If aliens wanted to understand why our planet’s on fire, this picture would be a good start

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Are you happy? 91 lashes for you, pig!

Leave it to some of the planet’s creepiest, most hypocritical goons to get mad at a dance song.  They can embezzle billions, rape their own people for three decades, and murder at will.  But the folks they rule can’t dance or they get tortured.  Wow, that’s quite the benevolent religious paradise they’ve got going.  Who wouldn’t want to join the club?

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-29272732

You know, I sometimes get the feeling that brutal dictatorships do this just because they can.  They don’t really care about these people dancing, they just want to show everybody they can crush folks at a whim.  That they can be assholes for no reason and get away with it.

I especially think that’s the case here because they actually got these folks to confess on camera that they’d been duped.  Not only can the overwhelming power of the Iranian State keep you from dancing, it can melt your brain to the point you admit you hate dancing, when you don’t.  All Hail!  I want to live in a Benevolent State than can force me to admit on video that I hate beer.  Good luck with that, hit squad losers!  I’m pretty sure you’d have to electric drill my cheeks first.

Maybe the Iranian State’s death squads need to change their tune?  Maybe they should try smiling a little, like spread happiness instead of raw fear.  At least then they could pull the wool over everybody’s eyes.  Here, just take a look at this guy, now this is how you spread happiness in a vicious-fenced-liquidation-camp:

img-cgi

Now that’s a guy I could have a drink with!

I feel bad for Pharrell Williams though, that he has this on his conscience, it’s not his fault, but he says the right thing:

“It is beyond sad that these kids were arrested for trying to spread happiness,”

So if ordinary citizens post a video online saying they’re happy to be from Tehran and are then punished by the Iranian State, does that mean the Iranian State is not happy to be from Tehran?  We think yes.  Accordingly, we invite them to leave Tehran and move in with my guests & I.  I assure you, you’ll be well treated.  You can trust my guests.  They’re just like you guys, so you know you can count on honesty and integrity.

stormy

The Arcturus Project’s Weekly (Not Weekly) Stormy Cloud Award goes to His Eminence Grand Ayatollah Ali Hosseini Khamenei, Overlord & Dictator of the Iranian People

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Exterminate all chimpanzees! And other wise ideas.

In a shocking revelation shocking only to those not in touch with reality it turns out that chimpanzees are not in fact peaceful-pot-smoking-hippy-like-creatures. When did this happen? I thought they were completely civilized and reasonable, like us.

http://www.bbc.com/news/science-environment-29237276

So apparently (very little surprises me anymore) there were real live people who actually believed that chimps only killed each other because of human interference. As in, that if humans weren’t around, chimps wouldn’t kill each other. So they had to commission a study to prove this idea wrong.

That’s just about the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. And I live with a bunch of fringe lunatics. Speaking of which, what kind of fringe lunatic did you have to be to declare that chimps only murder because humans are around? Why do we always have to blame humanity for everything that’s wrong in the universe?

I mean, I know I do, but seriously, it’s not always our fault. We’re not responsible if a star a thousand light-years away somehow accidentally blows up. We’re not responsible if my guests hijack a nuclear submarine and use it to start World War III so they can “thin the herd”. Whatever you believe about life, it makes perfect sense that chimps kill each other like dirty animals in the same fashion as we do.

Still, I don’t know about you but this study worries me quite a bit. It appears the chimps are rather capable. They conduct complex combat patrols. They gang up on their neighbors to acquire resources and territory. It’s only a matter of time before they’re wielding firearms and building turbine powered fixed-wing aircraft.

We need to get ahead of this problem. It’s time to do what humans do best, exterminate something. We need to take out the chimps before they get us. It’s only natural. It’s in our blood. If the chimps were us, they’d do it too.

So grab your weapon of choice, book a ticket, and meet me inside N’Djili International Airport at midnight on the 1st of October. We’re headed into the jungle for a daring first strike mission. My guests will accompany us on our Glorious Venture! And they’ll bring their toys. So you know we’ll win. Let’s show those primates how you do murder right!

chimpanzee

Pan troglodytes, nature’s second deadliest killing machine